# life after a suicide attempt



## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

i'm just writing this on here because i'm so lucky to be able to tell you about what has happaned and hope it helps anybody out there going through the same hell i have in the last few months , to cut a long story short my marriage ended very quickly about 2 years ago when i found out she was seeing someone else and chucked her out and never heard from her since , from that day on i buried it to the back of my mind and never mentioned it again and thought in time i would forget , then about a year ago my son dissapeared back to his mams and haven't seen him since and has severed all contact with me , so being like a man i just shrugged my shoulders and got on with it and never knew i was putting away a ticking timebomb , i lost my home shortly after with not been a single parent anymore and ended up in the car for a few days till i found somewhere to live ,then feb this year i split with my new girlfriend and began a downward spiral of depression that nearly cost me my life , i first noticed something was wrong when i began having panic attacks and feeling very anxious at times and wanting to shut myself off from everyone , pretty soon people were beginning to notice i wasn't my usual happy go lucky self and within a few weeks i knew something was wrong but refused to seek help thinking i would get through it like i have before , this went on like this until a few weeks ago when i was barely eating anything , wasn't training and constanly been sick , i knew i had to get help and was sinking into a deep black hole which i saw only one way out and that was ending my life ,i hated feeling this pain and couldn't see any future or any point in carrying on and found myself down the beach early one morning with 50 iu's of insulin ready to finish it all , i text a friend to pass on a message to my ex and sat thinking it would soon be over , my friend rang back straight away and i sat talking to him for a while till the police arrived , unbeknown to me he'd called them up and they took my gear off me and i went home ,not realising he had saved my life i was still intent on ending it i was that low down and this was the only way out , a few days later i got myself to the docs to try and get help , an appointment was made to see a counsillor and i was given sleeping tablets and anti depressents ,the days went on and this black cloud was still looming over and wasn't showing any signs of going , i woke up on sunday morning in a blind panic , swaeting , confused and disorintated , i tried my best to sleep it off but by mid afternoon i was in a serious state and didn't want to go on anymore being a pathatic wreak and swallowed 28 sleepers and all my anti depressents , sunday night came and went as i lay unconsious slowly dying then monday tea time my cousin came to mine to see why i wasn't answering my phone , let herself in and found me barely alive and the ambulance rushed me off to hospital where i stayed a few days then discharged , i know now i'm so lucky to be here and caused a lot of people pain and anguish which is going to take alot of time to forget , i should have gone for help along time ago and understand now there isn't any shame in asking for it ,,i've got along way to go before i get back to normality but at least i have been given that chance and grabbing it with both hands


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## darksider (Apr 5, 2011)

hi mate glad to hear that your getting your life back on track. You have been given a second chance make the most of it imo. In time the light at the end of the tunnel will get brighter and brighter until you step out a new man I hope that time comes soon for you.


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

because of the help i got off people on here when i've had my darkest days and i want to repay that by helping someone else


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## darksider (Apr 5, 2011)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


He can post wherever the **** he wants.


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## sakso (Mar 14, 2011)

I'm glad you survived pal. how was the other side anyway?


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## a.notherguy (Nov 17, 2008)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


why would you post something like this after the guy has had the balls to open up about something serious????


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## Suprakill4 (Jul 11, 2008)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


Like he said, to help others out feeling in the same situation you plum!

I put a thread about suicide a while since because its something i have never understood and the shear ammount of people in depression on here shocked me.

I know i have spoke to you a lot on pm mate and although very worried you done this, you have said its given you the kick up the backside you needed to make you realise its not a good thing to do.

Chin up mate, speak to you soon.


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

strange enough when i was lying on the bedroom floor and the paramedics were working on me they were pretty sure i was gone i could hear them talking saying it was too late


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## DiggyV (May 6, 2011)

darksider said:


> He can post wherever the **** he wants.


Damn straight!

The forum is a General Discussions forum - not General Muscle Discussions....

Support comes in all forms and from all places, we are all on this board because we train/lift/build, so we share something in common. Sometimes being able to talk / write about it is a key part of the recovery process, and is easier with people you feel you share something, or have a connection with.

I lost my best friend from school to suicide as he thought, wrongly, that there was no one for him to talk to.

It took balls from the OP to write that, give him dues. If you dont like what's posted, you dont have to read it, and you certainly don't need to comment.

Cheers

D


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## a.notherguy (Nov 17, 2008)

it sounds like you have been to the lowest points.

the only way is up now mate.

stay strong mate.


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## sakso (Mar 14, 2011)

bigjonny said:


> strange enough when i was lying on the bedroom floor and the paramedics were working on me they were pretty sure i was gone i could hear them talking saying it was too late


Damn mate, so is that how the death is? I'm really happy for you bud. I hope you never be in that situation again matey.


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## sakso (Mar 14, 2011)

Yoshi said:


> I'm not even going to state my opion on people and wanting to kill them selfs.
> 
> I'm ex army so i'm not going into this.


okay if you are not going to state your opinion then keep away from the threads like this ffs.


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2011)

yoshi give the guy a break it must of been very hard to right all that and even harder to say it out in the open so to speak . ukm isnt just an muscle forum and the members on here try and help anyone thru whatever there going thru bigjonny has probably chosen fitness as something to focus on to help him get over a bad time and i dare say a few of us can relate to that so next time u see something like this give a thought as to why its here

ps bigjonny hope u get things sorted mate and just keep in mind things can only get better from now


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## infernal0988 (Jun 16, 2011)

maybe you could help me i have been thinking about it alot lately and its cause of my ex wife i married very young at the age of 19 it lasted 2 years , then i found a new woman after months and months of treatment by a shrink, but lately iv spiraled down again since some months ago my new gf left me saying she was not ready for a new relationship. Now she is trying it on with all my mates): and sendt me a text saying that she misses me alot and wanted to come visit me in the weekend but then i met her and she said she could never be more then a friend. I am crushed cause i can never keep the woman i care the most for in my life.


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## Suprakill4 (Jul 11, 2008)

Yoshi said:


> I'm not even going to state my opion on people and wanting to kill them selfs.
> 
> I'm ex army so i'm not going into this.


WTF has this got to do with anything??????? Im glad you said you wont express your opinion because it isnt wanted. Try having an understanding of it, imagine being that low in life that you want to end your life!!


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## big steve (May 8, 2011)

that is deep mate, good luck getting your life back in order


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## PumpingIron (Feb 7, 2011)

Yoshi said:


> I'm not even going to state my opion on people and wanting to kill them selfs.
> 
> I'm ex army so i'm not going into this.


So why tell us that you " don't " want to state your opinion. Little bit counter productive don't you think?

Its not your forum so quit trying to micromanage everyones threads and opinions.

I for one am glad the OP is getting through this hard time and believe it or not, most people do feel down at one point or another so you aren't alone.


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## Suprakill4 (Jul 11, 2008)

infernal0988 said:


> maybe you could help me i have been thinking about it alot lately and its cause of my ex wife i married very young at the age of 19 it lasted 2 years , then i found a new woman after months and months of treatment by a shrink, but lately iv spiraled down again since some months ago my new gf left me saying she was not ready for a new relationship. Now she is trying it on with all my mates): and sendt me a text saying that she misses me alot and wanted to come visit me in the weekend but then i met her and she said she could never be more then a friend. I am crushed cause i can never keep the woman i care the most for in my life.


Its becoming quite a trend that woman are the route of all evil mate lol.

Chin up, i know its cliche but there are plenty more fish in the sea. Get yourself out there and meet new poeple.


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## sakso (Mar 14, 2011)

infernal0988 said:


> maybe you could help me i have been thinking about it alot lately and its cause of my ex wife i married very young at the age of 19 it lasted 2 years , then i found a new woman after months and months of treatment by a shrink, but lately iv spiraled down again since some months ago my new gf left me saying she was not ready for a new relationship. Now she is trying it on with all my mates): and sendt me a text saying that she misses me alot and wanted to come visit me in the weekend but then i met her and she said she could never be more then a friend. I am crushed cause i can never keep the woman i care the most for in my life.


mate, all I can say to you is to keep away from women. (not saying turn gay). just be single. shag em. think about yourself. enjoy your life.


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## DiggyV (May 6, 2011)

Yoshi said:


> I'm ex army so i'm not going into this.


An army background has nothing to do with expressing an opinion on whether suicide is right or wrong, that is a personal moral standpoint. Do you really think you are the only one with military training on these boards, and that everyone with that background has the same view because of it?? Seriously misled if that is the case.

Cheers

D


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

infernal0988 said:


> maybe you could help me i have been thinking about it alot lately and its cause of my ex wife i married very young at the age of 19 it lasted 2 years , then i found a new woman after months and months of treatment by a shrink, but lately iv spiraled down again since some months ago my new gf left me saying she was not ready for a new relationship. Now she is trying it on with all my mates): and sendt me a text saying that she misses me alot and wanted to come visit me in the weekend but then i met her and she said she could never be more then a friend. I am crushed cause i can never keep the woman i care the most for in my life.


 go and talk to as many people as you can , you might think your sounding like a broken record but if they are good mates they will always listen and help


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## Space.Docker (Mar 30, 2011)

Yoshi said:


> I just don't understand why people would want to take there life


Hang up your blazer


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## sakso (Mar 14, 2011)

kieren1234 said:


> WTF has this got to do with anything??????? Im glad you said you wont express your opinion because it isnt wanted. Try having an understanding of it, imagine being that low in life that you want to end your life!!


You are actually right mate. I mean what being an ex army has got anything to do with this matter?! soldiers coming back from wars and they commit suicide..


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## Suprakill4 (Jul 11, 2008)

Yoshi said:


> I just don't understand why people would want to take there life


Well dont be ignorant to it just because you dont undersand it. Neither do i, because i have never been there, but have some compassion and if someone has the balls to open up to people about whats happened, say something constructive and helpful or nothing at all.


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## infernal0988 (Jun 16, 2011)

Thing is i have friends but their the sort of friends ho would rather stabb you in the back then give a helping hand.



bigjonny said:


> go and talk to as many people as you can , you might think your sounding like a broken record but if they are good mates they will always listen and help


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## Suprakill4 (Jul 11, 2008)

sakso said:


> You are actually right mate. I mean what being an ex army has got anything to do with this matter?! soldiers coming back from wars and they commit suicide..


Yep, its a common occurance mate. Soldiers coming back and struggling to get back into normal life and recover from the terrible things they have seen, losing good friends etc......


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

before i did this i found it impossible to talk about what i have gone through , you realise you have friends on here who will help and want to thank everyone for there contributions


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## Outtapped (Dec 10, 2012)

kieren1234 said:


> WTF has this got to do with anything??????? Im glad you said you wont express your opinion because it isnt wanted. Try having an understanding of it, imagine being that low in life that you want to end your life!!


Completely agree, why do some people think because they are a certain way then everyone should be. To the op- well done for beating it, some never do and u have achieved something good

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Space.Docker (Mar 30, 2011)

> Originally Posted by Space.Docker
> 
> Hang up your blazer
> 
> What?


You are just....a tool


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

infernal0988 said:


> Thing is i have friends but their the sort of friends ho would rather stabb you in the back then give a helping hand.


well they are not the sort of mates you need to have around you , i learn't this and only have a few that i know i can relay on and chased the others


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## bigpit (Dec 2, 2009)

i tried something very similar when i was younger,i wasn't succesful fortunately. i now have two beautiful sons,a cracking mrs and life is good.i'd have had none of this if i'd managed to do what i tried.

it might not seem like it right now but things DO get better mate.


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## Mr Mongol (Mar 20, 2011)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


I'm gonna [email protected] NEG him !

Insensitive prik.


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## sakso (Mar 14, 2011)

bigjonny said:


> before i did this i found it impossible to talk about what i have gone through , you realise you have friends on here who will help and want to thank everyone for there contributions


mate, you seem a very nice fella. I deeply from bottom of my heart wish you (anyone) never be in that dark place and I am happy for ya now that you have been able to look back at it and realise what a stupid thing it is to do (I know some times it seems the best option)...


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## Space.Docker (Mar 30, 2011)

Mr Mongol said:


> I'm gonna [email protected] NEG him !
> 
> Insensitive prik.


mate how do you neg?


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## rocky666 (Jul 9, 2009)

bigjonny said:


> before i did this i found it impossible to talk about what i have gone through , you realise you have friends on here who will help and want to thank everyone for there contributions


 Im really gutted for you bro. I remember you posting before about you splitting up with your girlfriend. Women mate dont get me started lol. Why dont you start a journal mate put all of your energy into training. You have a cracking physique anyhow. If you dont we will all chip in on here and buy you a Newcastle season ticket and force you to go to each home match lol.


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## sakso (Mar 14, 2011)

Space.Docker said:


> mate how do you neg?


click on that black star bellow his name/avi and then click on I disapprove.


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

rocky666 said:


> Im really gutted for you bro. I remember you posting before about you splitting up with your girlfriend. Women mate dont get me started lol. Why dont you start a journal mate put all of your energy into training. You have a cracking physique anyhow. If you dont we will all chip in on here and buy you a Newcastle season ticket and force you to go to each home match lol.


 ha ha that made me laugh


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## Shady45 (Jan 5, 2010)

Well done, glad you got over it. Can't even comprehend what someone must feel like to think death would be worth it as a release, hopefully never will. Just never be scared to get help and good luck in the future


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## essexboy (Sep 7, 2008)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


Because this is the "general conversation" forum.


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## Mr.GoodKat (May 18, 2010)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


You deserve a neg for that.



Yoshi said:


> I'm ex army so i'm not going into this.


Ex Army, Current Insensitive C0ck.


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## essexboy (Sep 7, 2008)

bigjonny said:


> i'm just writing this on here because i'm so lucky to be able to tell you about what has happaned and hope it helps anybody out there going through the same hell i have in the last few months , to cut a long story short my marriage ended very quickly about 2 years ago when i found out she was seeing someone else and chucked her out and never heard from her since , from that day on i buried it to the back of my mind and never mentioned it again and thought in time i would forget , then about a year ago my son dissapeared back to his mams and haven't seen him since and has severed all contact with me , so being like a man i just shrugged my shoulders and got on with it and never knew i was putting away a ticking timebomb , i lost my home shortly after with not been a single parent anymore and ended up in the car for a few days till i found somewhere to live ,then feb this year i split with my new girlfriend and began a downward spiral of depression that nearly cost me my life , i first noticed something was wrong when i began having panic attacks and feeling very anxious at times and wanting to shut myself off from everyone , pretty soon people were beginning to notice i wasn't my usual happy go lucky self and within a few weeks i knew something was wrong but refused to seek help thinking i would get through it like i have before , this went on like this until a few weeks ago when i was barely eating anything , wasn't training and constanly been sick , i knew i had to get help and was sinking into a deep black hole which i saw only one way out and that was ending my life ,i hated feeling this pain and couldn't see any future or any point in carrying on and found myself down the beach early one morning with 50 iu's of insulin ready to finish it all , i text a friend to pass on a message to my ex and sat thinking it would soon be over , my friend rang back straight away and i sat talking to him for a while till the police arrived , unbeknown to me he'd called them up and they took my gear off me and i went home ,not realising he had saved my life i was still intent on ending it i was that low down and this was the only way out , a few days later i got myself to the docs to try and get help , an appointment was made to see a counsillor and i was given sleeping tablets and anti depressents ,the days went on and this black cloud was still looming over and wasn't showing any signs of going , i woke up on sunday morning in a blind panic , swaeting , confused and disorintated , i tried my best to sleep it off but by mid afternoon i was in a serious state and didn't want to go on anymore being a pathatic wreak and swallowed 28 sleepers and all my anti depressents , sunday night came and went as i lay unconsious slowly dying then monday tea time my cousin came to mine to see why i wasn't answering my phone , let herself in and found me barely alive and the ambulance rushed me off to hospital where i stayed a few days then discharged , i know now i'm so lucky to be here and caused a lot of people pain and anguish which is going to take alot of time to forget , i should have gone for help along time ago and understand now there isn't any shame in asking for it ,,i've got along way to go before i get back to normality but at least i have been given that chance and grabbing it with both hands


Well Jonny, im glad you failed.Ive lost people (woman/kids) and at times found the desperation overwhealming.Never,wanted to end my life, but life is all about attitude & degrees.If your makeup led you to attempt suicide, then thats the way your built, no shame in that.I really hope your over the worst and can see light on the horizon.Too many people with postive, hopeful futures die every day, you owe it to them and yourself to make the best of the future,good luck fella.


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## chris27 (Apr 19, 2009)

glad you pulled through mate , life will get better .


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## SteamRod (Oct 1, 2007)

good luck mate one thing that always helps is to keep training no matter what.

That is near enuf how I would do it 2ml diazepam and 3ml novalog main lined. Glad you didnt and all the best for the future.


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## MRSTRONG (Apr 18, 2009)

very powerful story there certainly hit home .

however never forget that feeling of being down and alone as remembering it will stop you from letting things get that serious .

i wish you well in life and please do use this place as a means to help if it can i know lots of members on here that do give a sh1t .

as for yoshi`s comment we all have differing opinions however if one is going to make a rude or arrogant post then feel free to keep your opinion to yourself .


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## DJay (Feb 6, 2011)

Glad your ok mate, onwards and upwards

p.s yoshi is a cvnt


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

Mate not read the thread but you want my mobile number just say the word.

No one should feel that low and alone. Get on here more and keep your chin up.


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## C.Hill (Nov 21, 2010)

DJay said:


> Glad your ok mate, onwards and upwards
> 
> p.s yoshi is a cvnt


Haha


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## sam2012 (Mar 28, 2009)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


Because he wanted to share it with everyone, and its better than most of the **** that gets posted on here.

Glad your ok mate, things always get better just keep your chin up :thumbup1:


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## Ashcrapper (Jul 3, 2008)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


cock.


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## ryan w (Sep 19, 2009)

Deep **** that mate. Gets you thinking. Sort of imagined myself lying there drifting while being worked on, but most of all not wanting to live through it.

I hope your never in that dark place again mate. Things will get better if you let them


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## shane89 (Apr 30, 2011)

OP hope your alrite mate... it is funny (well not funny as such) how i bet alot of people could never have the balls to say stuff like that to people around them but can quite easily say it on here ( maybe not easy) but certinanly a lot easier than telling people in their lives. i to have ALOT going on personally that i havent got the balls to tell anyone, havent got any mates i feel i could confide in, definitly could not tell my mum or dad, and quite frankly havent got the balls to post anything on here its a shame cos i keep a lot locked up in side of me and im like a ticking timebomb constantly waiting to explode and its not nice feeling like that. so even more so thanks for telling us your story it gives hope to people like to maybe get the courage one day to speak up to


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## Uk_mb (Feb 18, 2011)

wow. Im so glad ur back on the streight and narrow dude.


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## Philly_1 (Jun 22, 2011)

infernal0988 said:


> maybe you could help me i have been thinking about it alot lately and its cause of my ex wife i married very young at the age of 19 it lasted 2 years , then i found a new woman after months and months of treatment by a shrink, but lately iv spiraled down again since some months ago my new gf left me saying she was not ready for a new relationship. Now she is trying it on with all my mates): and sendt me a text saying that she misses me alot and wanted to come visit me in the weekend but then i met her and she said she could never be more then a friend. I am crushed cause i can never keep the woman i care the most for in my life.


What i would personally do in this situation is beat the living **** out of her! If shes mentally messing you around, you physically mess her around! I'd skull drag her around the place and let her know if she went off with my friends her life wouldnt be worth living when id finish with her


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## F.M.J (Mar 23, 2009)

Well done mate, glad you have got through this and making progress, I hope the progress is consistant too! I've been there, it's horrible when your most frequent thought is killing yourself. For the likes of Yoshi, it's not something you just decide to do, it's more like something eating you alive inside, something you can't escape and never relieves itself of you. When I was in my dark area I tried to focus on teeny small things to get me by day-day, these were getting new personal bests in the gym or paying off small debts, going out with a friend, simple but rewarding things.

I'm now completely in tune with everything, when you go through something like this and if you do make it through you realise how much value everything has, a smile, someone you love, friends, warmth, food - complete perspective. Hell there have been times I walk home 8 miles after a night out or run in the rain just because I CAN walk/run and feel these things.

For me, there are swings of light depression now and then but nothing, nowhere near when I was considering suicide, but they come and go.

Again, congrats buddy, hope you're doing well.


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2011)

well done mate I'm happy for you

i suffered from panic attacks when i was 15 to 18 it was shLt i was taking the anti dep tabs the lot couldn't get rid of this dam panic attacks. i tried a few doctors and one told me i should try getting hypnosis done so i thought i don't believe in that stuff but it was worth a try and to this day i swear on it that and reiki it will help get your self confidence back up and running its worth it.i haven't looked back no panic attacks happy with life and I'm sure you can do it as well

a problem shared is a problem halved take care mate and we are here to speak


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## welshflame (May 21, 2009)

I have actually got a tear in my eye reading that big jonny. I know exactly what you feel like and felt like and its one of the most nasty, horrendous feelings that a person could feel and it completely grabs you and at the time theres nothing yourself or anyone can say or do to help. Its one terrible illness  . I am so glad your on the mend though dude. If you need to chat just in box me in future. I know exactly what its like and understand fully.

As for yoshi. If you havent been though it yourself. You would never understand it and I can tell you now its not good so dont knock big jonny for something thats very serious. Im so glad he could share this with us.


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## -Jack- (Sep 28, 2009)

respect for you for sharing mate,

keep moving forward


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## cult (Nov 7, 2009)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


Ive never neged anyone on this site untill now, but had to because that post was so out of order

OP dont listen to this guy, it took balls to post such a post and you need credit for that. Just hope you are doing well and get back to normal. I remember you saying awhile back about you having problems with the misses as ive been having similar problems but im playing mine a different route because i know if i leave now then ill end up excatly like you because ive fcuk all going for me at this moment in my life. As soon as things start going my way them im making my move , some will call it slimmy but im looking out for no1 because ive seen to many people go down hill after a break up.

Just try and stick around people who make you smile anmd laugh then try and keep busy, stick to seeing a councileer as they wil put you on teh straight and narrow and dont be afraid to do something that you think you wont like because its usly them things that make you happy if only you try it.

as we say here in the west of ireland- GOOD LUCK!!


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## The Project (Jul 21, 2007)

Neged! Hang in there mate! A old saying.....Yesterday is a memory, Tommorrow is the unknown, Now is the knowing


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## lolik (Apr 24, 2010)

good luck and hope you get better.


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## cult (Nov 7, 2009)

rocky666 said:


> Im really gutted for you bro. I remember you posting before about you splitting up with your girlfriend. Women mate dont get me started lol. Why dont you start a journal mate put all of your energy into training. You have a cracking physique anyhow. If you dont we will all chip in on here and buy you a Newcastle season ticket and force you to go to each home match lol.


My advise is not to train to hard man, just train away taking it easy because we all know what can happen when we over do it, we can feel down at times and your at a fragile place in your life and need some serious boost not the oposite.

This may sound silly but i seen a massive difference in a friend of mine a few years ago, al he done was drink homemade veggie juices a ffew times a day on an empty stomach, he also grew his own wheat grass and juiced the stuff and i seen a massive imrovement in his body and also alot mor econfidence. All them live nutritants wil be vital for your recovery process man.


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## energize17 (Jul 25, 2009)

Man dont know what to say you have been through a hell of a lot and i respect you for sharing and for getting the help you need and the only way from here is up good luck to you bro


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## Andy Dee (Jun 1, 2008)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


Oh dear.....dear o dear... Terrible :death:


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## infernal0988 (Jun 16, 2011)

some people just do not have empathy, i feel sorry for these kind of people


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## Tommo2011 (Mar 3, 2011)

ryan w said:


> Deep **** that mate. Gets you thinking. Sort of imagined myself lying there drifting while being worked on, but most of all not wanting to live through it.
> 
> I hope your never in that dark place again mate. Things will get better if you let them


+1

Good luck for the future dude


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## LOCUST (May 4, 2006)

Respect to the OP. You been through some stuff mate.

Good luck to the future and train hard mate.


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## DiamondDixie (Oct 17, 2009)

This song was written for you op.


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## dingosteve (Apr 26, 2009)

Glad your on the mend mate be careful though those deep rooted psychy scars are easily opened.

By the way that was one huge wall of text lol, look to your right you will find an enter key, it helps paragraph. Tabloids always have long stories in very small paragraphs as most people will not read a seemingly never ending page of text- bit fact of the day

Kudos for sharing your experience with us.


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## narraboth (Jul 25, 2010)

I feel sorry for you, also for your ex, your son etc.

I believe that you all had difficult time.

hope you get better, and try to live in a slightly different way after all this.... be kind to yourself, also to others.


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## Ken Hutchinson (May 29, 2009)

Mate well done for having the balls to talk about this, i have been there myself and i'm still not out of the woods, there are no easy answers, pain is a powerful thing it fcuks your brain up so we do not think straight, ignor the tossers on the site, if they ever find themselves where we have been, maybe one day they will understand, hang in there and dont do anything stuipid, once done it is forever, take a moment to breath and clear your head, just take one day at a time, like me, i dont want to say to much on here, so i will keep it brief, chin up mate and good luck to you, i hope you find peace and happiness one day.


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## gooner fc (Feb 7, 2009)

Listen mate ever you feel down 99% of this forum has your back just come on and talk, problem aired is a problem shared. Try and focus on building your relationship with your family as i'm sure you've got people around you who would have truly missed you. All the best.

Yoshi neg big time.


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

i've just logged back on (sat afternoon) and i want to say a million thanks to people on here and have tears in my eyes writing this and want to say thank you for the help and advice so many of you have given , i'm really really overwhelmed and wish i could shake each one of your hands personally for the thoughts and it means alot so many people want to help , thanks uk muscle


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## MRSTRONG (Apr 18, 2009)

were not just meatheads you know


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

i know now there are people out there who will help , its got me really choked up , thank you


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## Earl-Hickey (Apr 20, 2010)

I can relate to this, all though my problems are not as bad as yours, let me explain.

I moved to New Zealand at 17 because my parents moved there and told me i would have a "better life" here. I have missed my friends ever since, and in this country I have never made friends like the ones I have at home, nobody I can trust and I could honestly say cares about me. I got along just fine, working and shutting myself away from the world, had a few girlfriends but nothing serious or long lasting. I made the decision to come to university last year, moved towns and moved into a new flat. I met a girl in the flat who had a boyfriend but was having hard times with him, we quickly became best friends and for once I had someone here who I could trust and be myself with. After a while I developed feelings for her, I didnt admit them but when she came to me and admitted that she had feelings for ME I was happier than I had been in years. For 6 months I waited for her to finish her relationship, and all the time she told me she cared about me so much but she still wasnt quite sure what to do about her boyfriend, I waited, and waited, and waited. I put my life (what i had of one) on hold and put her first in everything, I missed lectures, rushed assignments at the last minute so i had time to comfort her and be there for her, then we had an argument over something stupid and she went straight back to her boyfriend and decided she loved him and wanted to patch things up, and that I was to forget my feelings because nothing would ever happen between us. I still love her, but now i live in a house where I have to see the only person I have ever loved with someone else. I admit it I feel like such a loser, I haven't achieved anything with my life and the one good thing I had going for me i ****ed up by making stupid, petty mistakes. I'm in my room right now, 1.05am on a saturday night and I dont know what to do, I know i need to change my life but i dont know how or even where to start. I feel hopeless and alone.


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

mate your not alone , people here will help , i felt like this and was at rock bottom last sunday and realise now what i would have lost if i hadn't made it through , where about are you


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## General lee (Jun 12, 2011)

Hey bigjonny,

I was in a similar place to you around a year ago. And before I was in that situation I like others kind of thought that people who were depressed or suicidal were weak or some how inferior or even worse just making it up. Well until you have been in that situation (and it can happen to anyone) you cant appreciate what its like. I was lucky and have some really great mates who along with the dotors helped me to turn my life around. Your not alone mate and things can and do get better, just focus on whats important to you in life - remember we only get one go at this life so make the most of it and enjoy it...... If you ever want a chat message me fella - Im always happy to chat


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

thanks i appriciate that


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## Earl-Hickey (Apr 20, 2010)

bigjonny said:


> mate your not alone , people here will help , i felt like this and was at rock bottom last sunday and realise now what i would have lost if i hadn't made it through , where about are you


Im in New Zealand still, in a strange town that I havent lived in for very long, I have asked my parents for support because they are all I have but they simply dont understand, all they want to do is blame the girl for me being depressed but its not like that, they tell me to move on but I cant forget, the last few months have been the best of my life, when I was with her I felt a different person, she was the greatest person I have ever met and I lost her over stupid mistakes, I would do anything for her, anything, I'd literally chew my own arm off if it meant she would give me a chance but theres nothing I can do to change things, she told me that and said if i care about her i'd let her move on, so thats what i have to do.

Shame I cant move on.


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## chris27 (Apr 19, 2009)

Earl-Hickey said:


> Im in New Zealand still, in a strange town that I havent lived in for very long, I have asked my parents for support because they are all I have but they simply dont understand, all they want to do is blame the girl for me being depressed but its not like that, they tell me to move on but I cant forget, the last few months have been the best of my life, when I was with her I felt a different person, she was the greatest person I have ever met and I lost her over stupid mistakes, I would do anything for her, anything, I'd literally chew my own arm off if it meant she would give me a chance but theres nothing I can do to change things, she told me that and said if i care about her i'd let her move on, so thats what i have to do.
> 
> Shame I cant move on.


life can be hard esp when it comes to women they are r weakness , keep your chin up mate


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

Earl-Hickey said:


> Im in New Zealand still, in a strange town that I havent lived in for very long, I have asked my parents for support because they are all I have but they simply dont understand, all they want to do is blame the girl for me being depressed but its not like that, they tell me to move on but I cant forget, the last few months have been the best of my life, when I was with her I felt a different person, she was the greatest person I have ever met and I lost her over stupid mistakes, I would do anything for her, anything, I'd literally chew my own arm off if it meant she would give me a chance but theres nothing I can do to change things, she told me that and said if i care about her i'd let her move on, so thats what i have to do.
> 
> Shame I cant move on.


Mate l have cried and pined for a girl for the ast yr, even now l fill up when l think about her. My story is very complex and all l can say is time is a healer. No matter what anyone says you will only get over it in your own time.

There is probably not one person on here who hasnt been where you are but you will get better..... try and keep your chin up and get on here mate....

As has been proved over and over this is a great community of varied people...... and very good listeners.


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## bighead1985 (Dec 31, 2010)

This thread proves that there is always someone somewhere that knows how you feel therefore your never alone. Well done to the OP and other people who have had the balls to share their experiences on this thread. Takes a lot of courage as us men do normally try and bottle things up and be "Macho" Always someone to talk too on here if you need to get anything off your chest and in general a good reaction from everyone. Not naming no names "cough cough YOSHI" shouldve had a bit more compassion and understanding before writing what he did


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## MRSTRONG (Apr 18, 2009)

Earl-Hickey said:


> Im in New Zealand still, in a strange town that I havent lived in for very long, I have asked my parents for support because they are all I have but they simply dont understand, all they want to do is blame the girl for me being depressed but its not like that, they tell me to move on but I cant forget, the last few months have been the best of my life, when I was with her I felt a different person, she was the greatest person I have ever met and I lost her over stupid mistakes, I would do anything for her, anything, I'd literally chew my own arm off if it meant she would give me a chance but theres nothing I can do to change things, she told me that and said if i care about her i'd let her move on, so thats what i have to do.
> 
> Shame I cant move on.


you can buddy .... get enough for airfare make your own life in the place you so dearly miss life is what you make it .


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## Philly_1 (Jun 22, 2011)

Theres always someone else out there mate ya just gotta find em! I was one of the lucky ones


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## maverick1888 (Feb 9, 2011)

Earl-Hickey said:


> Im in New Zealand still, in a strange town that I havent lived in for very long, I have asked my parents for support because they are all I have but they simply dont understand, all they want to do is blame the girl for me being depressed but its not like that, they tell me to move on but I cant forget, the last few months have been the best of my life, when I was with her I felt a different person, she was the greatest person I have ever met and I lost her over stupid mistakes, I would do anything for her, anything, I'd literally chew my own arm off if it meant she would give me a chance but theres nothing I can do to change things, she told me that and said if i care about her i'd let her move on, so thats what i have to do.
> 
> Shame I cant move on.


I will be in NZ in December,so u had better get ur act together or all be round wae a big slap for u lol:thumbup1:


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## rocky666 (Jul 9, 2009)

Get yourself home pal. You have no real support there.We all how stubborn and set in there ways parents came be. You must have someone you know back in england you could stop with. How old are you by the way?


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## boricuarage (Jan 2, 2011)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


Because this is general conversation!!!


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## boricuarage (Jan 2, 2011)

Be positive big Johnny. I'm in some pretty crappy **** because I distributed steroids, not intention to sell to a soldier in a military Installation and because he got caught he dime me out and I lost my job over this and now have a criminal record over one stupid incident. Now It has been almost 3 months no job and probably have to go back stateside leave my 3 kids behind and you know I'm going through a ****ty divorce, but I just maintain.. Keep a positive attitude and I know that I will get out of this mess..

Be strong brother we all go through some ****, if not we wouldn't be humans!!!


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

thanks for that my friend ,just know now its an uphill battle and fingers crossed it isn't going to get any worse , just trying to stay positive


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## huge monguss (Apr 5, 2011)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


Might want to talk to people about it and people on hear are very helpful :/


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

i do mate ,if i can help someone going through the same thing then been kept alive will have been worth it


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## durhamlad (Apr 6, 2011)

bigjonny - I can understand where you are coming from, I am bipolar and have been hospitalized on numerous occassions after attempted suicide. Some reasons for severe depression for me were debt, relationships, pure bipolar mood swings and some things I saw whilst I was in the forces that haunted me.

I can say though that it took me years to get through it but Im good now  I kinda just let lifes put downs bounce off me, possibly numbed myself to the netativity and crap in life. Hey Im unemployed with debt, but Ive got the gym and that keeps my mood topped up.

Good on you for opening up, hopefully others can take solice in your words and they will know they are not alone


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## soob the dug (Apr 12, 2011)

dude i wish you well.

it takes balls to open up on a forum filled with meat heads, me being one of them! lol

i cannot imagine what its like to feel so low that you would want to take your life and i hope i never do.

chin up


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## huge monguss (Apr 5, 2011)

bigjonny said:


> i do mate ,if i can help someone going through the same thing then been kept alive will have been worth it


well least your looking on the bright side of things now


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

thanks for the help lads , todays been hard , i had my first councilling meeting and drove past my ex on the way there as well , for most of the hour i kept breaking down and just wanted all of the pain to go away ,i was asked if i would ever do that again and honestly i couldn't answer that question , i was asked how i felt about the future and at the minute i can only see from hour to hour and simple day to day tasks in my mind seem like they're getting harder , the only thing i could think of was , everything is a struggle at the minute and i wake up in the morning and still not sure if i'm glad to be alive anymore , i'm being totally honest with this and didn't think it was going to be as hard as it is


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## Tommy10 (Feb 17, 2009)

Dude I can totally relate to this... I did the same but my m8 was wise and kept me talking and called the police.... Saved my life.... I can tell you everything gets better ... You can face anything now ...fresh start... Clean slate... Another chance


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## Tommy10 (Feb 17, 2009)

bigjonny said:


> thanks for the help lads , todays been hard , i had my first councilling meeting and drove past my ex on the way there as well , for most of the hour i kept breaking down and just wanted all of the pain to go away ,i was asked if i would ever do that again and honestly i couldn't answer that question , i was asked how i felt about the future and at the minute i can only see from hour to hour and simple day to day tasks in my mind seem like they're getting harder , the only thing i could think of was , everything is a struggle at the minute and i wake up in the morning and still not sure if i'm glad to be alive anymore , i'm being totally honest with this and didn't think it was going to be as hard as it is


It's when they ask if you would kill yourself again ... It's tough cause u don't know the answer ... It's 50/50... Stick around people ... Don't leave urself open to your own thoughts ... This is a journey u must take... It will be worth it.... Baby steps


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

I was never man enough to do it but believe me l have been low enough to not care if l lived or died.....

I dont let any fu**er knock me down anymore mate.....

TIME is a healer, please believe that..


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

don't get me wrong i know i have been lucky and have alot going for me just feel so isolated at the minute , i just don't know why the tears are keep coming for and think what have i done to deserve all of this


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## Tommy10 (Feb 17, 2009)

bigjonny said:


> don't get me wrong i know i have been lucky and have alot going for me just feel so isolated at the minute , i just don't know why the tears are keep coming for and think what have i done to deserve all of this


Dude let it all out... Empty your soul...and you prob didn't do anything.... You don't deserve it but you have Been dealt a tough hand ... But remember change is inevitable.. You can't stop it....embrace tomorrow .. Yesterdays history ...good things happen to good people... Hang in there your time is comming


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

it really is hard mate , i'm sitting here now crying my eyes out and thinking how much longer have i got to go on living like this


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## chris27 (Apr 19, 2009)

i really dont no what to say bigjonny cause you ve heard it all , but i really do wish you all the very best mate , chin up .


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## Tommy10 (Feb 17, 2009)

bigjonny said:


> it really is hard mate , i'm sitting here now crying my eyes out and thinking how much longer have i got to go on living like this


Get out ... Go see a m8...


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

bigjonny said:


> don't get me wrong i know i have been lucky and have alot going for me just feel so isolated at the minute , i just don't know why the tears are keep coming for and think what have i done to deserve all of this


Mate look at my avi !!

I have been sat in my fu**ing truck at traffic lights crying like a baby becuase my heart was breaking.......

it takes TIME trust me........


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## 1Tonne (Jun 6, 2010)

Man this threads depressing..


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## MRSTRONG (Apr 18, 2009)

jonny have you any pets or is there any animals you would like as a pet ? ... maybe having a couple birds would take your mind away for at least a short while , knowing you have a couple of creatures that love you will make the difference you need .


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## Jimi182 (Jul 1, 2011)

Long time reader, thought Id finally sign up.

Johnny, iv read this thread pretty much from start to finish and I really feel for you bud. I myself have been to the bottom and back and have the odd dark day. I know every feeling you're going through from the sicky feeling to the hopelessness you feel on a day to day basis but you know it will get better. How can it get any worse. Me personally, i have a great family that i just couldnt hurt, though i never reached that low but its a ****ty feeling and one that once you escape, you never ever want to go back to.

You tried and failed, you have to see it as a second chance, maybe something bigger wanted you to have this second chance. When you act positive, good things will happen. Get out there no matter how hard it is, fill up those days with whatever the hell you can and finally the quieter times will feel better again. And like others have said, talk on here, its pretty clear most of us here are more than happy to help you. All the best.


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## boricuarage (Jan 2, 2011)

Man you will get through this... Feels like my first marriage only I left her w/ 2 eight months old... Just thinking about myself and she wanted to work it out for about 3 months, but I was so naive I was like I know she will take me back she has too.. And when I wanted to come back but the damage was already done, she didn't want to.. Man my whole world shattered and I was depress and ****ed up that I had to do counciling myself. I believe in karma and she told me what goes around comes around harder and sure did... I got Lyme disease about 1 year later and still fuxked up from the war. I been hospitalize, spinal tap, meds, the whole 9... Now 5 years later there is a light man.. You will get pass this brother we all do... She has the house and a new boyfriend for awhile, living together and I think they will get married and when I visit my daughters.. I joke with him and laugh like nothing because it's all part of life.. It's all about the kids...

Well enough ranting... I wish you all the best and it's good that we are not alone out there.. Stick to your guns!!! You got this and you will beat it and overcome it.. No woman is worth risking your beautiful life...my friend killed himself because of his ex wife... And they had kids.. Not worth it... I will never end my life!!!!! man stay safe and keep counciling!!! You got this man....

Well I'm off to the club to meet hot nice chicas...

Take care my friend!!


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## boricuarage (Jan 2, 2011)

bigjonny said:


> it really is hard mate , i'm sitting here now crying my eyes out and thinking how much longer have i got to go on living like this


Crying helps man... I ****ing cried because i was so ****ed off because my job did not give me my last pay check.. I was on facebook bitching and ranting.. My mom called me all worried and all I can do is cry and yell!!! Man she started to cry and she told me I'm killing her softly... Mothers will be mothers and they will worry no matter how old we get... I been living in Germany for 12 years and my parents in the states and she will always worry, but it helped for me to cry and then I just went on an intensive workout that I felt a whole lot better..don't do nothing crazy, you insulin stunt was enough... If you didn't die from OD then it's not your time... I been shot and a motorcycle accident and it's not my time.. It's not yours!!!!


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## GeordieSteve (May 23, 2010)

Good man for posting this up. Very brave, shame about some of the early comments. Sick of people saying things like "it's a cowards way out" cos it really ****in isn't mate. Been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I couldn't agree more. I let things that would have destroyed me before have become water off a ducks back. Chin up and there always is light at the end of the tunnel


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## Joshua (Aug 21, 2008)

Just saw your post, and wanted to say that I think it was great that you found the courage to post what you did - IMO its a big turning point when you can acknowledge that things have happened which accumulated and resulted in you taking a big hit. Funnily enough, it can take events such as these for one to notice the small positive things that are present around us, however small. Focusing on finding those positive things that you have in your life, helps you appreciate not only that things are getting better - the small signs that let you feel that things are starting to get better, but can also give you a lifelong appreciation of beautiful things in your life that so many people take for granted and miss out on.

Another thing I have noticed is that many people spend too much of their thoughts, wallowing in the past, which not only is unchangeable, but every moment spend in the past is a distraction from enjoying those wonderful things in the present, right NOW. If you cannot find good things in the present, it is often because people are not used to looking, but with persistence, and taking the time to notice those good things in your life, however small, step by step, things can and will start to look brighter, and you will start to feel more in control of your life, and your destiny.

A wise friend of mine once told me "It is in the darkest of skies, that you see the most brilliant stars". Maybe it is time for you to look up.

All the best,

J


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

today is my last postings on here , i've had enough of trying to fight , i've got no tears left in me anymore and can't take the pain no more , at least where i'm going i'll be in peace and not have to suffer any more ,i've tried my hardest and just don't want to go on , i'm sick of trying then getting kicked in the teeth , i've spent all day in bed thinking about finishing it today and know i am making the right choice as i won't be in the depths of darkness no more ,i love my ex so much i just can't see a future without her and know i fuked up big time and she was the path that i walked on , sorry for being so weak but i know my time is now and i'll finally find peace in the darkest of places


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## vetran (Oct 17, 2009)

dont do anything stupid man the guys on here are concerned for you and want to help dont let them down just keep talking bro


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

bigjonny said:


> today is my last postings on here , i've had enough of trying to fight , i've got no tears left in me anymore and can't take the pain no more , at least where i'm going i'll be in peace and not have to suffer any more ,i've tried my hardest and just don't want to go on , i'm sick of trying then getting kicked in the teeth , i've spent all day in bed thinking about finishing it today and know i am making the right choice as i won't be in the depths of darkness no more ,i love my ex so much i just can't see a future without her and know i fuked up big time and she was the path that i walked on , sorry for being so weak but i know my time is now and i'll finally find peace in the darkest of places


Mate rng some fu**er NOW.....

After all the support and help you have been given on here do you really thing this is fair !!

Do you REALLY think us pouring our hearts out to you trying to help you was easy and it comes to this ???


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

i've had enough my friend , don't see the point in being alive anymore , i've lost everything i ever cared about


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

bigjonny said:


> i've had enough my friend , don't see the point in being alive anymore , i've lost everything i ever cared about


And so have most if us mate.....

Fu*k me you must know by now we have ALL been thro it, some of us still are......

You need to talk to someone and get some proper help.....

Fu*k me l have felt like my heart has been ripped out for a yr now..... its sh*t but l carry on..


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## chris27 (Apr 19, 2009)

think of your family mate if nothing else ,you have your hole life to live why end it early ???


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## Tommy10 (Feb 17, 2009)

Dude who do you have around you? Family , friends etc... Where are they ... Do they know how ur still feeling ?


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## vetran (Oct 17, 2009)

mate my wife left me last year took her to a bodybuilding comp and she fcked of with the winner and thats the truth ,get on a dating site bro and start talking to women again i promise you will soon forget her and move on i did and i found a fcking belter i am glad it happened bro.


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

just wanted to say i hope last night i never have to go through a night like that again , i emtied out about 6 boxes of paracetomols , my antidepressents , sleeping tablets and sat and started drinking just waiting for the time to take the lot ,my cousin and dad arrived shortly after and found me crying , a little p1ssed but still had all the gear laid out on the bench ,they brought me out of the flat to my sisters where i'm going to stay till i pull myself together , i know i've got to get my finger out now and its up to me to pull myself out of this sh1t and be thanksful i was found in time , , my employers have bent over backwards to help me and alot of people have gone right out of there way to help and i'm realising now i'm chucking it back in there faces by not having a bit more balls to face whats going on


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

and thanks to everyone on here sharing out there experiences , i for one know its not easy to openly talk about what goes on in our lives


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## diehardlove (May 5, 2011)

Mate depression is a bast4rd as you know but it will get better trust me Ive had it and my sister has had it for 10 years since my mum died and tries to kill herself at least once a month thankfully she is not very good at it so i feel for you fella,

It will get better just think of all them people who love you and care about you,Look at all the people on here who have replied trying to help you and are worried about you.

Glad your around your sisters house as its no good being by yourself thinking when you like this.I know you dont know me but if you wanna chat pm me im here mate and will talk to you anytime about anything and wont say a word to anyone.

Just please dont do anything stupid while you feel like this.


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## welshman (May 22, 2008)

Will take a few weeks for the anti depressants to kick in fully mate, just stick with it and you'll come through the other side. I Guarantee you'll look back a year from now a changed man and wonder what you were thinking (your not alone on this topic mate).

:beer:


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

i think my biggest problem was taking the sleeping tablets , i've never had a break in 10 months , i've had that much going on inside my head and been on shift work that not taking them wasn't an option , i've been off them 2 nights and woke up this morning with my mind a little clearer and not feeling like i've been on glue all day , i go back to work in the morning having been off for 2 weeks and hope i'm going to be fully functioning when i awake and not a drugged up mess i've felt the last few weeks , the support on here has been second to none and i will never be able to thank people enough and show my appriciation for how i feel for the help and kindness i have been shown through these long and difficult weeks


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## chris27 (Apr 19, 2009)

glad your feeling abit better mate .


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## cikko (May 25, 2011)

Big Johnny.... absolute kudos to you for your post. I admire your strength and courage to post such a meaningful script of your life.... I don't think I'd have the strength to do such a thing.

You certainly had some people worried yesterday.... you are on the road to recovery.... if you can, don't let a negative emotion try to get under you skin.... because it whittles away. Block it out and tell yourself you'll deal with it later. Later will be in your counselling sessions. Your counsellor WILL be able to help you take this ONE chunk at a time. Don't try to deal with this as a whole. Sh*t happens and no-one can deal with it as a whole.... just bite size chunks.

PM me, I may be able to help. I'm at home most weekdays and could be quick with some help if you need it. 

I know you have made it over the hill and now you have no more climbing.... it's a rebuild and you start at the foundations. Rebuild stronger than before - THIS time you are building for the FUTURE and you are getting it right THIS time - it doesn't matter what happened to that old foundation - it's gone now - your new one is being built this very second and every minute and every hour that passes - never ever worry about that foundation crumbling... it's thicker, stronger and harder than before.


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

yeah i know i did , seen my dad break down and cry in front of me and my cousin saying she couldn't handle ever seeing me like that again ,putting alot of people through pain through my negativity and not staying positive ,


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## GeordieSteve (May 23, 2010)

Your only in Sunderland fella so even though your a mackem (JOKE!!!!) if you need a chin wag feel free to give me a shout. Nothing is worth ending everything for trust me


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## Ironclad (Jun 23, 2009)

Keep on talking to people when you can bigjonny, don't isolate yourself and at least stay on the forum and talk to 'faceless' people, even if it is rarely coz we aint going nowhere bud. There's a few among us who have trodden a dark path too, we might not know what's wizzing around in your head but we've felt similar - or close.

Those antidepressents take a couple weeks to kick in, give them time, they will work. I'd stay off the pop until they settle in if I could.


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## Guest (Jul 3, 2011)

this what makes uk- muscle the best when some one feeling down we all stick toghther and help them this place is home


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## sheppyk (Jun 29, 2011)

dude if you've made it through two attempts, the insulin and pills then it's obviously not your time yet mate, still have a reason to be here and the best is yet to come!

Hope all goes well for you!


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## Bigdawg2k11 (Mar 2, 2011)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


This is in general convo WTF man!


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## Bigdawg2k11 (Mar 2, 2011)

Wow, that was moving, keep ya head fcukin sky high mate, happy for you too man!! I really hope everything turns out great for you!!


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## Bigdawg2k11 (Mar 2, 2011)

stevenbell1978 said:


> this what makes uk- muscle the best when some one feeling down we all stick toghther and help them this place is home


Damn right!


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## Nidge (Jan 22, 2007)

Yoshi said:


> Why would you post something like this on a muscle forum?


Because he's been at the lowest point in his life. He's trying to help other people if they ever feel the need to end their life.


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## Nidge (Jan 22, 2007)

bigjonny said:


> i'm just writing this on here because i'm so lucky to be able to tell you about what has happaned and hope it helps anybody out there going through the same hell i have in the last few months , to cut a long story short my marriage ended very quickly about 2 years ago when i found out she was seeing someone else and chucked her out and never heard from her since , from that day on i buried it to the back of my mind and never mentioned it again and thought in time i would forget , then about a year ago my son dissapeared back to his mams and haven't seen him since and has severed all contact with me , so being like a man i just shrugged my shoulders and got on with it and never knew i was putting away a ticking timebomb , i lost my home shortly after with not been a single parent anymore and ended up in the car for a few days till i found somewhere to live ,then feb this year i split with my new girlfriend and began a downward spiral of depression that nearly cost me my life , i first noticed something was wrong when i began having panic attacks and feeling very anxious at times and wanting to shut myself off from everyone , pretty soon people were beginning to notice i wasn't my usual happy go lucky self and within a few weeks i knew something was wrong but refused to seek help thinking i would get through it like i have before , this went on like this until a few weeks ago when i was barely eating anything , wasn't training and constanly been sick , i knew i had to get help and was sinking into a deep black hole which i saw only one way out and that was ending my life ,i hated feeling this pain and couldn't see any future or any point in carrying on and found myself down the beach early one morning with 50 iu's of insulin ready to finish it all , i text a friend to pass on a message to my ex and sat thinking it would soon be over , my friend rang back straight away and i sat talking to him for a while till the police arrived , unbeknown to me he'd called them up and they took my gear off me and i went home ,not realising he had saved my life i was still intent on ending it i was that low down and this was the only way out , a few days later i got myself to the docs to try and get help , an appointment was made to see a counsillor and i was given sleeping tablets and anti depressents ,the days went on and this black cloud was still looming over and wasn't showing any signs of going , i woke up on sunday morning in a blind panic , swaeting , confused and disorintated , i tried my best to sleep it off but by mid afternoon i was in a serious state and didn't want to go on anymore being a pathatic wreak and swallowed 28 sleepers and all my anti depressents , sunday night came and went as i lay unconsious slowly dying then monday tea time my cousin came to mine to see why i wasn't answering my phone , let herself in and found me barely alive and the ambulance rushed me off to hospital where i stayed a few days then discharged , i know now i'm so lucky to be here and caused a lot of people pain and anguish which is going to take alot of time to forget , i should have gone for help along time ago and understand now there isn't any shame in asking for it ,,i've got along way to go before i get back to normality but at least i have been given that chance and grabbing it with both hands


Johnny, PM me mate I know how your feeling.


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## Dav1 (Sep 25, 2009)

Don't post on here much but have read this thread and really do wish you all the best Jonny. Numerous people have given good advice not really a lot I can add, but you must have some positives in your live, your dad, family etc... and the friends who do give support, your training etc.. Surround yourself with good people and those that want to help and give you a shoulder to be able to cry on. Little by little bring some positive things back into your life, get back into your training, and when your ready get out there and have some fun - with some good mates of course who'll take care of you, and then one day you'll be able to look back and say **** it!!! Your boy will want his dad at some point too and in time you'll feel good about yourself again and be there for him if/when he needs it. All the best


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## welshflame (May 21, 2009)

I think I can safely say that most of us here are behind you 100% Bigjonny. We may be strangers on an internet forum but we sure as damn it are willing to help you all we can dude. Just message me or others on here if you ever need to chat and I really mean that  .


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## Tommy10 (Feb 17, 2009)

Bump.... How u doin pal ?


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

today was my second shift at work this week and my second training session back at the gym , someone suggested a while back putting some sort of training journal on here to plot my progress in getting back to the shape i had worked so hard to achieve , i've had alot of thought about this and keep reading through the comments i posted and all the help , advice and kind words people took the time out to keep me strong when i was ready to give up and take a path that i wasn't going to return from , i feel now reading this that i'm somebody from the outside looking in and can't believe its the same person sat here telling my story,

thinking back on what has been the hardest 2 year of my life and the last few months , i never ever want to return there again , the support i've had off complete strangers , family , work and friends has been incredible and hope as you read this you can feel in your heart the tingling and warmth i had reading all your messages of staying strong , positive and focused when it gets hard going , i have another councilling session tomorrow and i know its going to hurt like hell pouring out my heart about things i've blocked out of my mind and never wanted to confront again but with the help off my family and everyone on here i know i've got the support i need behind me ,the top and bottom of it is , you all saved my life when i valued so little about it and can see the direction i need to go in order to be that person again who's been hiding in the shadows for so long ,

i'll not lie, its been hard and tougher than i thought in facing up to what was wrong and realise i should have gone for help sooner and not try to act like it wasn't affecting me when all its been doing is slowly chipping away until it was going to pull me under and make sure as hell i wasn't going to make it back , i shouldn't be here now to be able to tell you all of this and know how lucky i am to have that chance again to have a future that weeks ago i thought was going to be impossible , i want to help people the way i was looked after and hope to god anyone who reads this will find the courage to reach out and seek the help us as humans can give each other


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

Mate with all due respect your clearly crap at topping yourself so find something else to occupy your time !!!!

Anyway, onwards and upwards matey........... time to start afresh and move on.... hopefully you realise there are some great people on here and were all good listeners...


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## DiggyV (May 6, 2011)

I know the climb back up the hill, from the bottom where you are now, will seem tough. But man, the view from the top is going to be spectacular.

Keep going Jonny, there are a lot of good listeners here, and people willing to take the time to help a fellow lifter when he is down.

Cheers

Diggy


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

ha ha thanks milky , that made me laugh and diggy


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

bigjonny said:


> ha ha thanks milky , that made me laugh and diggy


GOOD

That was the exact intention mate....


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## chris27 (Apr 19, 2009)

good luck with the training mate you ll be back to where you were in no time .


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## Replicator (Apr 4, 2009)

bigjonny said:


> ha ha thanks milky , that made me laugh and diggy


Ive just read through this thread and there is nothing I can add or say that hasn't already been said. except ...whenever possible do as much of that laughing as you can, it releases feelgood endorphins in the brain, when you want these just go to Milky's Profile and click on all posts, start reading and it wont be long before you find one that will crack you up 

Good luck and all the best m8

Rep

Ps) Yoshi was negged


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## lazy (May 5, 2010)

Life is a fuking journey, it has its up's and downs. Set yourself some targets, improve yourself and become a better person. Everything else will fall into place...


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## Nidge (Jan 22, 2007)

bigjonny said:


> today was my second shift at work this week and my second training session back at the gym , someone suggested a while back putting some sort of training journal on here to plot my progress in getting back to the shape i had worked so hard to achieve , i've had alot of thought about this and keep reading through the comments i posted and all the help , advice and kind words people took the time out to keep me strong when i was ready to give up and take a path that i wasn't going to return from , i feel now reading this that i'm somebody from the outside looking in and can't believe its the same person sat here telling my story,
> 
> thinking back on what has been the hardest 2 year of my life and the last few months , i never ever want to return there again , the support i've had off complete strangers , family , work and friends has been incredible and hope as you read this you can feel in your heart the tingling and warmth i had reading all your messages of staying strong , positive and focused when it gets hard going , i have another councilling session tomorrow and i know its going to hurt like hell pouring out my heart about things i've blocked out of my mind and never wanted to confront again but with the help off my family and everyone on here i know i've got the support i need behind me ,the top and bottom of it is , you all saved my life when i valued so little about it and can see the direction i need to go in order to be that person again who's been hiding in the shadows for so long ,
> 
> i'll not lie, its been hard and tougher than i thought in facing up to what was wrong and realise i should have gone for help sooner and not try to act like it wasn't affecting me when all its been doing is slowly chipping away until it was going to pull me under and make sure as hell i wasn't going to make it back , i shouldn't be here now to be able to tell you all of this and know how lucky i am to have that chance again to have a future that weeks ago i thought was going to be impossible , i want to help people the way i was looked after and hope to god anyone who reads this will find the courage to reach out and seek the help us as humans can give each other


Keep going Johnny lad onwards and upwards mate.


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

third day back at work , i slept a little longer last night but trying to eat that much and take in more fluids ended up waking up busting for the toilet and felt i would have slept longer if it wasn't for that , never felt as chewed up this morning knowing i had my counciling meeting tonight , checked my e-mails when i got to work and have had more messages of support which is helping a massive amount and this is what is actually keeping me going , seeing how upset my dad and cousin were on sat night and the advice is staying in my mind and helping me focus , i was asked this afternoon would i take an overdose again , now last week i was asked the same thing and said "no" , i realised how lucky i was lying a day and a half full of tablets and surviving and never gave any thought about anyone around me , then sat night i went and tried to do the same thing , now since then, that scared the hell out of me , i see my 69 year old dad sitting on the bed with me crying his eyes out , my cousin saying she could never come to mine again and see me like this in the state i was and the people who have given me there support so i'm more than sure now that i won't be going through that again.

i know this is just the start and i've got so many people who actually care pushing me on , i feel at the end of all of this i'm going to be a stronger person then i ever was , i'm beginning to understand how in time i am going to be ok and just its a long road to to getting there ,


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

Its only as long a road as you let it be mate...

I walked out on my son at 9 months old, it ripped my heart out but l couldnt live with his mother a minute longer....she was a vile vile person...

I cried my eyes out missing him then l remebered how sh*t she treated me and the tears stopped... l made a vow that day l wouldnt let anyone hurt me like that again, or treat me like scum.... l got strong by standing up for myself when l hadnt for 3 yrs....

Guess what l am saying is YOU take control of the situation DO NOT let it control you...


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

when i actually think i wanted to end all of this mainly over my ex pushing all the right buttons ,i beginning to question myself "was she really going to be worth dying for " and i'm thinking a little now , no she wasn't , for someone who was supposed to love me and wanted to spend the rest of her life by my side , she hasn't even picked up the phone in the last 3 weeks to ask how i was , now is that proper love , i don't think it is


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

bigjonny said:


> when i actually think i wanted to end all of this mainly over my ex pushing all the right buttons ,i beginning to question myself "was she really going to be worth dying for " and i'm thinking a little now , no she wasn't , for someone who was supposed to love me and wanted to spend the rest of her life by my side , she hasn't even picked up the phone in the last 3 weeks to ask how i was , now is that proper love , i don't think it is


Good lad....

Common sense is seeping thro.....


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

you's are all helping me get stronger by the day , my confidence is comming back a little and i have some direction at which to point towards ,its hard to believe what i actually did to myself and where i stand today and where i'll be in a years time with peoples help and back up


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

bigjonny said:


> you's are all helping me get stronger by the day , my confidence is comming back a little and i have some direction at which to point towards ,its hard to believe what i actually did to myself and where i stand today and where i'll be in a years time with peoples help and back up


Not a bad bunch of meatheads mate are we.....


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

ha ha , the best ones are here , i'd like to think i've made some solid friends on here and i'll never be able to repay that back , its taught me there is good out there and they have a friend for life who'll always look out for them


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## rocky666 (Jul 9, 2009)

bigjonny said:


> ha ha , the best ones are here , i'd like to think i've made some solid friends on here and i'll never be able to repay that back , its taught me there is good out there and they have a friend for life who'll always look out for them


 Women come and go Jonny. Friends and family are for life pal. You will defo find another woman and if shes got a fit mate you better Pm first ok?


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## chelios (Jun 26, 2010)

Sorry to hear about your past problems that arised, sounds like your better off now mate! Also respect, huge respect that is for posting an honest summary of what happened.

Fook the haters, hope things are looking up for you!


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## TheThomo25 (Apr 13, 2011)

Jonny this is the first time I"ve read this thread & I"d like to congratulate you on opening up to this situation you have gone through because this is really gona help you with your cancelling. I"l tell you from experience that the cancelling wont seem like its helping at first & you may even think that your starting to go backwards again but thats just because they will ask you every question under the sun & bring up everything you have tried to ignore or not wanted to confront, but stick with it & be patient.

The cancelling will only help you if you understand what it is, & by that what I mean is dont just go there say whats happened in your life & think yes thats off my chest, & except that as cancelling. Make sure you get a good canceler who will want to know everything thats happened & then go into detail on why your brain reacted the way it did about that situation. If you still feel that your unsure on your reactions to lifes problems after cancelling has stopped then start to see a sychrorics who can work more on the brain & the way you think.

Jonny mate I"m writing this as I have had a similar situation but in my case I was on the receiving end as I lost my ex girlfriend to suicide.

Jonny keep your head up, your still here when probably you shouldn"t be & that shows your here for a great reason, & that reason is life its self.

big love from everyone here at uk-muscle.


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## shane89 (Apr 30, 2011)

jonny im so glad your feeling better mate i really am, sounds like you gotten quite far since we last spoke and glad youve had a decent week back at work. did you find any answers regarding PCT that we spoke about?


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## boricuarage (Jan 2, 2011)

Big Johnny man, you suffering but at the same time bro I'm a little upset at you...you going on here on the forum scaring the **** out of people with your suicidal tantrum, to be honest some people just think about suicide and some people just do it no questions ask... You my friend do not want to end your life!!! You would of done so..

You need to start fresh, go to a clinic and do not stop your Meds until your doc is ready for you to come off. @ one point in time we all hit rock bottom, like me I'm at rock bottom no money, my dad sends me money and how pathetic is that!!, but you know what I wake up every morning hyper as ****!! Happy, music blasting, bugging my female friend to wake up!!! let's just dance and say jokes and go to pool.. Just enjoy life cause we have one life to live...!!!!!we get down and we get back up.. This is the way life is; if not it wouldn't be called life...

Take good care of yourself... Everyone here has been fighting for you now you gotta take the fight to yourself!!!


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## infernal0988 (Jun 16, 2011)

So very true a man can do 2 things he can bend over and take it or he can fight , fight for a brighter future mate you are worth it !


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## boricuarage (Jan 2, 2011)

Milky said:


> Mate with all due respect your clearly crap at topping yourself so find something else to occupy your time !!!!
> 
> Anyway, onwards and upwards matey........... time to start afresh and move on.... hopefully you realise there are some great people on here and were all good listeners...


That's why I like you bro ( no ****)

You a straight up type of dude!!!


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## boricuarage (Jan 2, 2011)

vetran said:


> mate my wife left me last year took her to a bodybuilding comp and she fcked of with the winner and thats the truth ,get on a dating site bro and start talking to women again i promise you will soon forget her and move on i did and i found a fcking belter i am glad it happened bro.


Get on tagged!!!it's a good website.. Kind like facebook and myspace, but most people want to ****, but there good people out there.. In a way Germany is small and when I got to a club next morning I get messages from females.. Oh I saw u at the club and I don't talk to half the females on there..


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

TheThomo25 said:


> Jonny this is the first time I"ve read this thread & I"d like to congratulate you on opening up to this situation you have gone through because this is really gona help you with your cancelling. I"l tell you from experience that the cancelling wont seem like its helping at first & you may even think that your starting to go backwards again but thats just because they will ask you every question under the sun & bring up everything you have tried to ignore or not wanted to confront, but stick with it & be patient.
> 
> The cancelling will only help you if you understand what it is, & by that what I mean is dont just go there say whats happened in your life & think yes thats off my chest, & except that as cancelling. Make sure you get a good canceler who will want to know everything thats happened & then go into detail on why your brain reacted the way it did about that situation. If you still feel that your unsure on your reactions to lifes problems after cancelling has stopped then start to see a sychrorics who can work more on the brain & the way you think.
> 
> ...


 i'm sorry to hear that mate and appriciate you sharing this with me , everyone here has helped loads and i'm taking it day by day at the minute , the biggest thing i have noticed is that i thought in a few days or weeks i was going to be ok and back to my normal self , i know now its going to be ongoing and take a little while longer than i thought ,


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

shane22 said:


> jonny im so glad your feeling better mate i really am, sounds like you gotten quite far since we last spoke and glad youve had a decent week back at work. did you find any answers regarding PCT that we spoke about?


to be honest mate with everything else going on i've never given it much thought , just wanted to get back to work and training and trying to eat normal again ,


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## Marshan (Aug 27, 2010)

Only found this thread now Bigjonny..Id put in a big long write but Id only be repeating what everyone else has written! In short tho..I'm glad you failed too and are still with us and looking good while yer at it...chin up man and more power to you..!!


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

just in from the gym and another good training session blasted out , i can feel the fire is still there and wanting to really go for it now , been in my new gym just over a week now and starting to find my feet a little more now and looking for more body parts to train in one session so i don't have to leave and go home ha ha , i started some creatine on monday and hoping towards the weekend i'll start feeling the benefits of that , since sat i've never had any sleeping tablets or meds and feel my head is a lot clearer and able to cope a bit better with things around me ,my work is going well and my appetite is slowly coming back and starting to enjoy my food again ,i can't remember if i've mentioned but i have a holiday to new york booked on the 29th that i was supposed to be going with my ex but now going alone and starting to feel a little excited about that too , i had a really nice surprise yesterday my cousin in dubai has found out whats been going on and has booked me a plane ticket on the 21st to go out and stay with them for a week then return home on the 28th then next day go to new york so thats really cheered me up and given me a massive confidence boost and something to look forward to , i feel so humbled now off all the help i've received and hope i can give as much help to others that has been given to me , in only a few days i feel my life has totally turned around and its hard to think how low i was just a week ago , i've been thinking of ways to thank people and hope the courage to speak out on here will help anyone who gets as down as i was and not be afraid or ashamed to seek out that help they need


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

Mate l joined a new gym, talking to a few lads in there now, making a few friends in there and its a good thing. You will do the same..


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## Ash1981 (Jun 16, 2009)

Fair play to the OP for seeing what really needs to be done, not ending his life

But i really dont get all this 'being ashamed to ask for help' bo1lox that seems to be all the rage to say

Celebrities or people in the news/public eye who have turned there life around are forever saying it.

If your feeling depressed go to the docs who will then prescribe you something and get you to a councillor

I have been anxious/depressed and bottled things up, iwas in a bad place but i got help, i didnt feel ashamed to do that, i also dont feel ashamed to let anyone know what went on 5 years back but slowly though i am getting better

It just annoys me.

Well done though jonny


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

i wish i lived closer milky and i would have shown you the ropes , looking at your avi , i think you need a bit help ha ha


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

bigjonny said:


> i wish i lived closer milky and i would have shown you the ropes , looking at your avi , i think you need a bit help ha ha


Awwwww mate come on...

I have battled anorexia for the last 20 yrs...... l reckon l am winning tho TBH...


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

ha ha some mince pies should sort that out


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

bigjonny said:


> ha ha some mince pies should sort that out


Ooooooooh pies !!


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## Ironball (Sep 22, 2004)

well if you go into that dark hole again, i know that place, just read this thread again. i bleedin nackered now after reading all that, you wont have the energy to do nowt else.

thanks for posting this. i know how you feel. depression and suicide thoughts/ attempts are things that can happen to anyone.

i downd a big bottle of whiskey, don't drink at all usually, the other week because my mental problems sent me into a bad spiral. i started drinking, then as i lay there jus thought f it I don't care no more and carried on. downed the whole thing in about 5-10 mins. I did not care if i woke up. I do not know if I was trying to end it but I just kept drinking.

It good to know I am not the only one who is a crazy mofo Also I don't have no mates to talk about stuff so good job on posting a difficult thing to talk about.

Good luck. Try to keep the training going, I akways try to even though it is damn hard to train when you are real bad, oh and the damn eating food is a real b i t c h to me when I am down


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## ld14 (Jun 16, 2011)

Only read the first page, and Big Jonny well done for being stong and getting yourself back on track, even more you have my respect by the fact you want to help someone else! Reps!

Yoshi...your nothing but a complete pr1ck.


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

Ironball said:


> well if you go into that dark hole again, i know that place, just read this thread again. i bleedin nackered now after reading all that, you wont have the energy to do nowt else.
> 
> thanks for posting this. i know how you feel. depression and suicide thoughts/ attempts are things that can happen to anyone.
> 
> ...


 thats what i thought mate , not many friends to talk to and i came on here and bam , everyone is a friend and will go out of there way to help , it is hard and at times i think fuk it why should i go on , but when i think of all the people i will let down , that keeps me going , keeps me training and is giving me goals to reach out for ,


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## rocky666 (Jul 9, 2009)

Plus id kick your stubborn **** in if you tried out agaiin and id nick your tickets to new york and dubai so be warned lol


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## Replicator (Apr 4, 2009)

BigJonny

get yersel over T this thread, it will cheer ye up :thumb:

http://www.uk-muscle.co.uk/general-conversation/142308-why-dont-most-lads-tell-their-girfriends-they-gear.html

Rep


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## deeconfrost (Dec 15, 2010)

its not your time bro!! stay with us,life has some weird **** yes,but your life is far more important.you got all your life to start fresh etc etc chin up


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

deeconfrost said:


> its not your time bro!! stay with us,life has some weird **** yes,but your life is far more important.you got all your life to start fresh etc etc chin up


Mate dont stress he's crap at it anyway....


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## deeconfrost (Dec 15, 2010)

Milky said:


> Mate dont stress he's crap at it anyway....


 been trainin long milky? looking good in avvy


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## Milky (Nov 30, 2008)

deeconfrost said:


> been trainin long milky? looking good in avvy


3 weeks mate done some Nap 50's and creatine...

Nah been 10 yrs mate and thanks for the compliment..


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