# Building a cleaner, leaner Beast



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Thought I would give another journal a whirl with it being a New Year, new start etc.

I guess this journal will be a little different to most as my primary aim will be to tackle my drink and substance misuse which should in turn help with my gym goals. 2012 was a mad year. Had so many personal problems to deal with that I went completely off the rails. Had a coronary spasm in March but luckily no permanent damage was done. Things then calmed down a bit when I started work in September but am as bad as ever now and was in such a state over Christmas that it was destroying my parents so I have to do something. Drinking hundreds of units a weeks which is not going to be sustainable for much longer. Got blood results pending and I'm a bit concerned about the results.

Started on the road to professional help and while I wait on that I'm going to try and go cold turkey. Just thought I would use this journal to record my thoughts and progress and hopefully get some advice and support from those who have dealt with similar, or who just want to help.

Was supposed to get back to the gym today but have got a bloody bug which means Im off work as well, not an ideal start so will prob take a day or two to shift.

In terms of training goals I don't have anything too drastic. I would like a little bit more mass over the next 12 months but just an overall leaner look. I did manage to lean out quite a bit towards the end of 2012 but theres a lot more to shift. Will probably keep gear usage fairly low for most of the time, at least until I see how I get on with the drinking etc. Im currently about 18 stone so would like to stay about the same but with a leaner overall look. Didn't pile on as much lard over xmas due to intermittent DNP use but muscles feel flat and crap!

Please say hello!

IB


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Subbed 

It's great to read that you acknowledge that you need to do something about the misuse 

From what point are you going cold turkey? You know it isn't advisable don't you? Quite risky! Not only is it physically risky but psychologically; people are less likely to relapse if they ween off it as opposed to just stopping.

What professional help have you sought?

With regards to DNP and gear, if your body is battleing with substance misuse might it not be beneficial to your health and recovery if you just fosus on keeping your body clean and sticking to a good diet? You're body has a lot of healing to do...if you put more stuff into your body to contend with it will take longer to heal and leave you more prone to illness, e.g. the 'bug' that you have now.

And with regards to building muscle and dropping fat, your body will manage that far easier without 'sh!t' being put through your body!

Anyway, glad to see you've started a new journal...New Year's a great time to make changes


----------



## robc1985 (Jan 28, 2010)

Subbed. Good luck mate. Hope you overcome your difficulties

As with Katy, I'd lay off the gear for the foreseable whilst you get better. :thumbup:


----------



## mac1969 (Apr 28, 2009)

Happy new year m8 and all the best with your goals. Katy has offered sound advice stay off any gear etc and let your body recover. Will be watching this and will enjoy seeing you turn things around.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

@Katy

Thanks for the input. When I say cold turkey I mean no drink at all. I know the risks but Im not showing withdrawal symptoms which is surprising considering how much I drank at xmas. Was dry yesterday and feel okay today apart from my bug

I spoke to Liverpool alcohol services who are going to assess me in the coming weeks then refer me appropriately. There is a chance they will send me to Addaction which would be a kick in the teeth given how they messed up with me last year. Will look into support groups etc as well depending on work commitments.

My logic with the gear etc is that seeing positive changes in my body will make me feel better about myself. If I came off the gear I would drop size I imagine which would be hard psychologically. I started on anti depressants about two weeks ago as well. I think I will stay on a light dose of gear but drop the DNP when it runs out which is only a few days away. Then I will be as 'clean' as I have been for a long time

Not going to be easy at all but its something I have to do. My mother is ringing me upset now every day which is hard to take. says she can't sleep at night with worry etc.


----------



## lumpo (Aug 8, 2012)

Good luck

I can't see an issue with the gear I can see it being a positive and helping you focus on the gym and less on the keg


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> @Katy
> 
> Thanks for the input. When I say cold turkey I mean no drink at all. I know the risks but Im not showing withdrawal symptoms which is surprising considering how much I drank at xmas. Was dry yesterday and feel okay today apart from my bug
> 
> ...


Just a word of warning that the withdrawal kicks in about 24 hours after the last drink. Just be sure that this 'bug' isn't the beginning of withdrawal. When my last withdrawal was forced upon me and handled badly, the real pain began during the second day and just got worse and worse...just be careful hun. I wouldn't want you to go through what I did.

It's your body and your mind...just thought I'd suggest staying off anything. When I was drinking I didn't give a sh!t about what I was putting into my system. It's only now that I actually respect my body and even avoid taking painkillers! Which never used to be the case.

With addaction, and their lack of professionalism, I have still found that the positives of their help outweigh the negative.The groups really did help at the beginning and my key worker is a great support.

I can empathise with the weight of family emotion. My family's worry and concern just made recovery more dfficult because it just made me feel worse and more guilty at a time when I needed to focus on myself. In the end I had to tell them not to put their emotions on to me...to deal with their emotions amongst themselves and not bring me into it. Recovery does require you to be selfish...but in the end, everyone benefits


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

IB,

Rehab is for quitters 

Only joking mate, been there myself, could never go to those group things though, knocked that on the head. I found it was the coke which was the issue with me, staying up for 3 days drinking. Once I knocked the coke on the head and stopped drinking spirits/wine, I was reasonably normal. I don't take anything really now, just drink Guinness, but still drink too much. I am having my customary 3 months off at the beginning of the year. Good luck and drop pm if you want mate.

Shake off this cold/bug and get yourself down the gym asap. It will defo make you feel better.

Subbed and will be popping in 

Good luck!!


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

@Irish Beast, pop into my journal mate. It is called "Alcoholics Anyonymous...", somewhat apt, wouldn't you say 

Seriously, it is on page 2 in the journal section.


----------



## Rick89 (Feb 27, 2009)

good luck buddy been where you are myself so know the road you about to travel and trust me its a very bright and fullfilling one

well done wanting to live again

first thing i had to do was ditch all my mates and crowd, delete all my contact on phone and start a fresh isolated road to getting clean

the amount of **** i did i should be dead,if i can do it anyone can mate


----------



## Little_Jay (Feb 6, 2006)

good luck mate, always liked your posts, didnt realise you where quite so troubled, but atleast your seeking help

get it done mate, make your mum happy


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Huntingground said:


> @Irish Beast, pop into my journal mate. It is called "Alcoholics Anyonymous...", somewhat apt, wouldn't you say
> 
> Seriously, it is on page 2 in the journal section.


Will pop in. I'm a bit of a selfish pr1ck when its comes to journals. Hardly ever post in others but expect mine to be full to the brim!! LOL


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Rick89 said:


> good luck buddy been where you are myself so know the road you about to travel and trust me its a very bright and fullfilling one
> 
> well done wanting to live again
> 
> ...


Cheers. To be honest this is the first time i've been really serious about it. Certainly doesn't mean I will succeed but I think I have a chance. The key will be getting the help as soon as possible and I told that to the lady on the phone earlier so I think she will really try for me. If I have someone to talk to on a regular basis it will be good for me. Almost like a personal trainer


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Little_Jay said:


> good luck mate, always liked your posts, didnt realise you where quite so troubled, but atleast your seeking help
> 
> get it done mate, make your mum happy


You don't know the half of it. The opening paragraph is only a small episode of the soap opera that is my life!

Cheers though


----------



## Rick89 (Feb 27, 2009)

Irish Beast said:


> Cheers. To be honest this is the first time i've been really serious about it. Certainly doesn't mean I will succeed but I think I have a chance. The key will be getting the help as soon as possible and I told that to the lady on the phone earlier so I think she will really try for me. If I have someone to talk to on a regular basis it will be good for me. Almost like a personal trainer


good luck mate i genuinly hope this works out for you can relate so much

subbed


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

First big test this weekend. The cravings last night were unreal. Was so close to walking over but had some valium and tried to force myself to sleep.

4 days off assuming I last tonight. Im getting really bad pain in my stomach which I always get when I detox. As my stomach lining is always inflamed, whenever I do stop drinking nerves start to regrow which can be quite painful! The body really wasn't designed for giving up!

Still got this bloody bug as well but think I'm over the worst of it as I spent the whole of last night and today sweating like hell.


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> First big test this weekend. The cravings last night were unreal. Was so close to walking over but had some valium and tried to force myself to sleep.
> 
> 4 days off assuming I last tonight. Im getting really bad pain in my stomach which I always get when I detox. As my stomach lining is always inflamed, whenever I do stop drinking nerves start to regrow which can be quite painful! The body really wasn't designed for giving up!
> 
> Still got this bloody bug as well but think I'm over the worst of it as I spent the whole of last night and today sweating like hell.


When I detoxed my stomach would bleed from all the throwing up so it was painful to swallow anything and due to the vomiting my throat absolutely killed!...I empathise hun! That should in a couple of days 

Stay strong tonight!!! I meant it! Don't give in to weakness!


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Alcohol withdrawal symptoms mate. I find the physical side easy to deal with, it is 2 weeks down the line when I feel great, forgot the horrors of the withdrawal, am bored and fancy a beer. Then I have cracked a few times, back to square one.


----------



## biglbs (Jan 26, 2012)

I have given up many things over the years,i found that never giving up on giving up always got me there in the end,ie if you have a weak moment embrace it and then say goodbye to it as part of the way you used to be,funny enough @Katy just changed my new journals title so that i could shut of the old journal i drank almost daily early on,in the first one and felt i wanted to move on from that now i have control.It is hard mate but never give up,giving up!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Huntingground said:


> Alcohol withdrawal symptoms mate. I find the physical side easy to deal with, it is 2 weeks down the line when I feel great, forgot the horrors of the withdrawal, am bored and fancy a beer. Then I have cracked a few times, back to square one.


The withdrawals get worse and worse with each consecutive time and the last one nearly killed me...I therefore can no longer say that it's easy to deal with :crying: In a way though, it now acts as a powerful deterrant...espcially at times when I fancy a drink...it's just not worth it.



biglbs said:


> I have given up many things over the years,i found that never giving up on giving up always got me there in the end,ie if you have a weak moment embrace it and then say goodbye to it as part of the way you used to be,funny enough @Katy just changed my new journals title so that i could shut of the old journal i drank almost daily early on,in the first one and felt i wanted to move on from that now i have control.It is hard mate but never give up,giving up!


Exactly! You learn something with each relapse, so use it. It's the not giving up, giving up that shows true strength of character


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Quick update

Managed to stay drink free this weekend but its been a real struggle. Im craving it pretty much all the time and its proving far harder than I thought it would be. Even craving the stuff now so will have to see how much longer I can last. Managed a pretty relaxing weekend though which is what i needed as my body just seems exhausted all the time.

Done a good gym session yesterday. Went to a different gym that the GF trains at for a change. Made me realise how much of a sh1thole mine is and it was nothing special. I guess I have just become accustomed to working out in a craphole for ages. Sadly have very little choice in Liverpool as a non driver so it will be back to the normal place tomorrow if I go. DOMs are quite bad today but I've been worse. Didn't go hell for leather yesterday but certainly didn't hold back.

Done Chest, shoulders and tris. Strength not brilliant and I had actually dropped weight over Christmas so am 18 stone dead now. Would like to diet down to 17 as that's been my aim for a while now. Thing is as I am not drinking I am eating junk food in the evenings just to keep my sanity. I think denying myself of everything would be too hard right now but I would rather be eating crisps and snacks then drinking heavily at the moment. Got a weeks worth of DNP left so can pretty much get away with the junk eating but am still weary of it


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Well thats the first big milestone. Now been sober for a week  Really pleased.

Getting my blood results tomorrow so hopefully they will be okay

Managed a decent back session today so getting back in the swing of things. Was actually looking half decent in the changing room mirrors afterwards which was a nice confidence boost. Doms are pretty bad so really glad I made it down. Will rest tomorrow as I don't want to over do it on the first week back.

Still eating a bit of junk food but I need something for my sanity.


----------



## Little_Jay (Feb 6, 2006)

how do you find dnp works mate whilst eating junk???

does it keep it all off, loose fat? stay same?? just intrested tbh


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Irish Beast said:


> Well thats the first big milestone. Now been sober for a week  Really pleased.
> 
> Getting my blood results tomorrow so hopefully they will be okay
> 
> ...


Well done mate, I find the first week hard physically so defo a big hurdle. Good to hear you're looking in better shape, will boost you up and spur you on.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

I can eat what I want nothing reason and still get slow muscle gains wIth no fat gain. I am going to start cutting back the calories though cos it's a bit extreme using DNP just to keep fat off. I don't find it that harsh though at 200 mg a day. Just fatigue.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Bloods came back all fine. Liver isn't even raised.

I am officially indestructible!


----------



## Loveleelady (Jan 3, 2012)

now now mr dont be getting carried away!!! you now its amazing that you're staying off the drink and sounds like its only way for you

at end of day you dont want to ruin your wee mummys life through your behaviour

as you say the quicker you get help the better so keep pushing them

its really good you doing something as from sounds of it you were a total mess

and sounds like the girlfriend and you has patched things over so that good

im glad you want to help yourself

go beasty yeow!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Well thats the first big milestone. Now been sober for a week  Really pleased.
> 
> Getting my blood results tomorrow so hopefully they will be okay
> 
> ...





Irish Beast said:


> Bloods came back all fine. Liver isn't even raised.
> 
> I am officially indestructible!


This is all excellent news  That's one big and difficult milestone to reach. How are you feeling now? Are you clean off booze and coke? How have you been able to stay off it so far? It's important to know how you're doing it so that you can continue doing it.

I hope you see these results as a lucky near miss because you aren't indestructable...you're just one lucky fvcker! Be grateful you still have your health and resepct it


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Thanks for the comments and nice of you to pop in lovelyladee.

I'm not too bad now. Still craving it so just relying on willpower alone. Have my first consultation with alcohol services next Wednesday. Will be hard to staunchly dry til then but I will try.

Finished with the GF last night. Definitely a wise move. She was supportive but also had unrealistic expectations in my opinion which I could never live up to.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Oh and Katy I've been clean of everything apart from steroids and the odd valium to help with the cravings.


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Oh and Katy I've been clean of everything apart from steroids and the odd valium to help with the cravings.


Birlliant  That's great to hear. Also, if your relationship with your ex was dysfunctional then I think it's a positive move to break up...when recovering you have to focus on yourself.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Katy said:


> Birlliant  That's great to hear. Also, if your relationship with your ex was dysfunctional then *I think it's a positive move to break up...when recovering you have to focus on yourself*.


That was my logic. Although she was supportive in terms of drinking etc she was also very quick to point out my faults as a boyfriend which I accepted mostly but to be honest being a hopeless romantic is not my number one priority right now!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Decent chest and biceps session today.

Decided to stop DNP today as my weight loss has been stagnant now for a while so will do it the old fashioned way. DNP is making me weak. Been on cycle now for a while and not gained an ounce of strength really!

Would like to put a bit of muscle on and continue to lean down. Playing the long game


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Decent chest and biceps session today.
> 
> Decided to stop DNP today as my weight loss has been stagnant now for a while so will do it the old fashioned way. DNP is making me weak. Been on cycle now for a while and not gained an ounce of strength really!
> 
> Would like to put a bit of muscle on and continue to lean down. Playing the long game


I'm glad to hear that!! The 'old fashioned way' is tried and tested  And means no more sh!t for your body to contend with


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

I might just use up the last of my T3s. Think DNP is becoming less and less effective for me to the point its just not worth it. Couple of cardio sessions a week will probably do more!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Really good gym session today. Was nice to train at my own pace and not have to cram it in before work. Dropping the DNP has made a bit of a difference. Didn't feel just as lethargic as usual. Come Monday it should be pretty much out of my system. Still week but strength should start to rise now that Ive drop the DNP (and probably T3 shortly)

Shoulders and triceps got a good old hammering. I reckon I will feel the pain tomorrow. I will start to log my workouts properly very soon!

Very bored today and everyone is trying to lure me to the pub which isn't helping! I would absolutely love to but will resist the urge!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Really good gym session today. Was nice to train at my own pace and not have to cram it in before work. Dropping the DNP has made a bit of a difference. Didn't feel just as lethargic as usual. Come Monday it should be pretty much out of my system. Still week but strength should start to rise now that Ive drop the DNP (and probably T3 shortly)
> 
> Shoulders and triceps got a good old hammering. I reckon I will feel the pain tomorrow. I will start to log my workouts properly very soon!
> 
> Very bored today and everyone is trying to lure me to the pub which isn't helping! I would absolutely love to but will resist the urge!


Massive massive well done on resisting the alcohol! It does get easier!  Nice one at the gym...bring on the DOMS tomorrow eh!


----------



## mac1969 (Apr 28, 2009)

Well done m8 on resisting the alcohol. I would drop t3 etc and just use old fashioned diet and cardio. you r winning the fight m8 keep strong .


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

How you doing this weekend? Still off the booze and coke?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Yeah I am = Yesterday was really really hard. Was craving it worse than ever. Was edgy and very irritable. Ended up having to take valium again to take the edge off and then went to bed really early. Was probably the hardest day I've had since starting!

Got up this morning and cleaned the living room and got sky sports again. Otherwise I'd have ended up going to the pub to watch the football and as my friends are all there I would have been under too much pressure to drink. So I think this is a safer option!

Im pretty stiff today but tempted to go for a leg session. Annoyingly the pool is broke in the gym and I love getting in it after workouts. Stuff is constantly broken and out of order in there. Wish they would spend a few quid on the place!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

I am going to try and stay dry next weekend (will be tough) but i will be having a drink the following week as there is a leaving bash for someone in my old work and they are always a really good laugh. Don't want to be sober for that. If I last til then that will be quite an effort. In fact its already been quite an effort but I think I can go a bit longer.

Going to try a different alcohol free beer today. Optimistic about the appointment on Wednesday but if they send me to Addaction I will be abbsolutely livid


----------



## Craig660 (Dec 8, 2005)

Irish Beast said:


> Yeah I am = Yesterday was really really hard. Was craving it worse than ever. Was edgy and very irritable. Ended up having to take valium again to take the edge off and then went to bed really early. Was probably the hardest day I've had since starting!
> 
> Got up this morning and cleaned the living room and got sky sports again. Otherwise I'd have ended up going to the pub to watch the football and as my friends are all there I would have been under too much pressure to drink. So I think this is a safer option!
> 
> Im pretty stiff today but tempted to go for a leg session. Annoyingly the pool is broke in the gym and I love getting in it after workouts. Stuff is constantly broken and out of order in there. Wish they would spend a few quid on the place!


Do you mates not know your trying to knock it on the head , as if they do its a bit ****ish of them to try and get you out.

When I stopped doing coke I literally had to stay in for a couple weeks as it was literally every where I went


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Yeah I am = Yesterday was really really hard. Was craving it worse than ever. Was edgy and very irritable. Ended up having to take valium again to take the edge off and then went to bed really early. Was probably the hardest day I've had since starting!
> 
> Got up this morning and cleaned the living room and got sky sports again. Otherwise I'd have ended up going to the pub to watch the football and as my friends are all there I would have been under too much pressure to drink. So I think this is a safer option!
> 
> Im pretty stiff today but tempted to go for a leg session. Annoyingly the pool is broke in the gym and I love getting in it after workouts. Stuff is constantly broken and out of order in there. Wish they would spend a few quid on the place!


I really am so impressed that you stayed strong yesterday. Especially as it was so hard. And well done for avoiding the pub today. Do you know when you'll start seeing professionals for support?


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> I am going to try and stay dry next weekend (will be tough) but i will be having a drink the following week as there is a leaving bash for someone in my old work and they are always a really good laugh. Don't want to be sober for that. If I last til then that will be quite an effort. In fact its already been quite an effort but I think I can go a bit longer.
> 
> Going to try a different alcohol free beer today. Optimistic about the appointment on Wednesday but if they send me to Addaction I will be abbsolutely livid


Posted before reading this...so have the appointment Wednesday. They may well refer you to addaction. That's all I was referred to. I'll take a look at some notes from my last job though and see if I can find useful names of other services if you like?

You know my view on having a drink for the 'bash' so I won't nag.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

@Craig660 - They know Im trying to dry out for a bit but are not aware of the extent of the problem. To be honest it was an expensive xmas so the pub isn't really an option anyway! Coke is rife everywhere I go as well. In my local I normally bump into a dealer and when Im ****ed end up buying some. So I will avoid.

@Katy - My appointment is on Wednesday morning for an hour so hopefully I will get pointed in the right direction then. Will just be good to have someone to talk to face to face about it all. They are a community service, not NHS related so only had to wait 2 weeks which is quite good as it would be 2 months with the NHS which is crap frankly but obviously there are lots of people in the same boat


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Katy said:


> Posted before reading this...so have the appointment Wednesday. They may well refer you to addaction. That's all I was referred to. I'll take a look at some notes from my last job though and see if I can find useful names of other services if you like?
> 
> You know my view on having a drink for the 'bash' so I won't nag.


Lets see what happens on Wednesday but if they do refer me to addaction I will decline. There are other local groups around I believe but may well get some from you as well.

With regards to the bash they tend not to be excessively heavy sessions as they are not massive drinkers. I will probably have to pace myself anyway given that my tolerance will have dropped.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Thats the 2 week detox point - Another milestone.

Really good session in the gym this morning. Have so much more energy now from dropping the DNP. I have however gained a few lbs. Ate quite a bit at the weekend. Done a good back session and could easily have done more but ran out of time. When I was on DNP I couldn't even finish my sessions a lot of the time through shear exhaustion. So all good.

Need to keep an eye on the weight and diet cos the last thing I want is to be piling on the pounds. That would wreck my head totally. Got an injured foot at the minute which is annoying me as its stopping me from running. If its not sorted by the weekend I'll have to do other forms of cardio. I just prefer to run. Feel like I get more benefit from it.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Found a few alcohol free beers that don't taste like **** as well

Erdinger Blue label and bavaria were both quite nice. Drank a few of them yesterday. Certainly the best I've had so far by some distance. Becks blue etc are absolutely rancid


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Found a few alcohol free beers that don't taste like **** as well
> 
> Erdinger Blue label and bavaria were both quite nice. Drank a few of them yesterday. Certainly the best I've had so far by some distance. Becks blue etc are absolutely rancid


Huh, Lorian likes the Becks Blue, as do I...I just don't drink them. I found an online company that sells a huge variety of alcohol free beers and they were all really nice. I've managed to find substitutes for white wine and fake champagne which keeps me happy. I used to also really love mulled wine around winter and now I have mulled cranberry and orange instead...really nice and warming


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Tell Lorian to try the ones I suggested. Becks blue has such a chemically taste from it that I really didn't enjoy it at all!

I might buy some more as I love the taste of a beer regardless of the alcohol content though obviously its not the same!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

First legs session in absolutely ages today. Didn't go over the top because a) I want to be able to walk tomorrow and B) because my foot is a bit sore still. I done some direct ab training for the first time in about 5 years so will probably be unable to move from the waist up tomorrow. Glad its out of the way so I can get back to training legs regularly.

Appointment with alcohol people is tomorrow which is quite ironic really as this is the best I have felt for a while!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

DOMS DOMS DOMS!! My quads are absolutely killing me today. Been a struggle to walk. So glad to be home. I really hope they are a bit better tomorrow as I have a fair but of walking today

Had my alcohol service appointment today which was quite good. She was very nice and understanding and applauded my efforts thus far which was nice. Went though a questionnaire and not surprisingly I came out as a very high risk banding. She asked me to set drinking targets and try to stay within them. I said I would try and going to see her again 2 weeks today. Next friday is going to be a test for me and I told her about it. I hope I can stay dry til then. She asked me to stop taking valium but I explained that is was not an option right now. I need it some days just to level me out and take the edginess and cravings away.

Shes going to see me fortnightly for a while now. She said for 8 weeks. Dont know if that means 8 appointments or 4 fortnightly meetings. Probably should have clarified. I imagine it will be 8 sessions as 4 is not much. If I can't get it under control by the time she is done with me I will be referred on to another group who can distribute anti craving drugs etc. So thats where I am at. Fairly positive and so glad I wasn't referred to addaction. She was horrified when I explained what had happened to me!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Legs still bloody aching!

Done a really good chest and biceps session today. Really hammered it so was well pleased. Sessions are becoming better and better every day. Strength creeping up slowly since dropping the DNP. Weighed in today at 18 stone 8 so Im gaining weight. Going to eat as normal for another week or so to let me body normalise then consider dieting.

Took some photos today. The ones on the left are from 29th September 2012. The ones on the right were taken today. Making progress at least!!


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Well done mate on staying strong. In my experience, you are defo over the worst part now. I have done 2 weeks and get the odd craving now (was much worse last week) but I was only drinking gallons of Guinness (no wine, no spirits) and also no drugs (coke etc).

The difference between the pics is staggering, massive!!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Thanks mate. Have definitely had a grwoth spurt in the last few weeks! Must be the creatine I added in! Seriously I did start taking some as it came free with my whey!

Swapping from rip blend soon to long acting Test and Tren E. Im tempted to try and add some more mass before cutting. See how big I can get without drinking and snorting loads of coke!


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Haahaa, creatine, thought you was pulling my leg 

Without beer and coke, your energy and power in workouts will increase dramatically due to better nutrition and sleep and you'll explode mate.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

All joksing aside the creatine has definitely made me retain more water, particularly in my face. Noticed it within a day or two of taking it. if my memory serves me correctly it used to always do that to me. Hopefully a nice dose of Tren E will dry me out!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Another weekend and another mental test! Off out for tea tonight when I would normally always have a drink but will abstain. This will be my last dry weekend as I will be out next weekend. Depending on how that goes I will make plans for the future then!

No training today. Just had too much running around to do to get a session in. Will attempt it in the morning.

Got a few things to keep me occupied this weekend which is good


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Why did I train my shoulder this morning! They are like jelly now and I have loads of painting to do today!

I really don't think sometimes. Could barely shower afterwards!

decent session but didn't have tons of energy. Was a very dead atmosphere in the gym today and the pool is still broke!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Another weekend and another mental test! Off out for tea tonight when I would normally always have a drink but will abstain. This will be my last dry weekend as I will be out next weekend.* Depending on how that goes I will make plans for the future then!*
> 
> No training today. Just had too much running around to do to get a session in. Will attempt it in the morning.
> 
> Got a few things to keep me occupied this weekend which is good


What do you mean by this? How will next weekend determine things?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

@Katy

Well it will be my first big test as to whether or not I can 'keep it real' in the drinking stakes or if I just loose it and go mad. If its the former than I will revert to no drinking for another while. If I can't control myself I will have to speak to counsellor about my options. She did say if I am unable to control myself after a period of time then another route (meds) will have to be taken


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> @Katy
> 
> Well it will be my first big test as to whether or not I can 'keep it real' in the drinking stakes or if I just loose it and go mad. If its the former than I will revert to no drinking for another while. If I can't control myself I will have to speak to counsellor about my options. She did say if I am unable to control myself after a period of time then another route (meds) will have to be taken


Ok, so you're sort of testing out whether you are able to control your drinking, and if not you'll seek further help?

Did my PM about medications help at all?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Yeah it did. Sorry I meant to reply to that. They will only consider medications after 8 weeks of consultations so I guess for now I have to rely on willpower. Will be interesting to see what she suggests if I do mess up next weekend. Looks like I will be okay this weekend cos Ive kept busy thus far and just want a rest tomorrow!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Yeah it did. Sorry I meant to reply to that. They will only consider medications after 8 weeks of consultations so I guess for now I have to rely on willpower. Will be interesting to see what she suggests if I do mess up next weekend. Looks like I will be okay this weekend cos Ive kept busy thus far and just want a rest tomorrow!


Yeah I think that with most services you need to demonstrate will and determintion before they're willing to invest their serivce in you. Keeping busy cerainly helped me in the early stages and then basically changing my lifestyle.


----------



## Raptor (Feb 16, 2010)

Good luck mate, just seem this.... will be following!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Raptor said:


> Good luck mate, just seem this.... will be following!


Cheers for popping in. Hows life treating you?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Dragged myself down this morning to do a bit of cardio

Only ended up doing a 5km run, Energy levels were seriously lacking and found it harder than expected. Could be a combination of not doing cardio for a while, the xmas festivities and running tren. Still at least its out of the way now. Need to try and do a few more cardio sessions but find them very boring,

Bought some sparring gloves yesterday so going to start doing a bit of bag work to mix things up a little bit.


----------



## greekgod (Sep 6, 2009)

Irish Beast said:


> Dragged myself down this morning to do a bit of cardio
> 
> Only ended up doing a 5km run, Energy levels were seriously lacking and found it harder than expected. Could be a combination of not doing cardio for a while, the xmas festivities and running tren. Still at least its out of the way now. Need to try and do a few more cardio sessions but find them very boring,
> 
> Bought some sparring gloves yesterday so going to start doing a bit of bag work to mix things up a little bit.


the beginning is always hard bro..

keep at it, it will get easier with time...i also struggled restarting the cardio..

will be following this...


----------



## Craig660 (Dec 8, 2005)

MAte have you considered going for a month with it then going out into situations like that, might make it easier, just my opinion


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Thanks for the input guys. Craig I don't really understand your post!


----------



## Craig660 (Dec 8, 2005)

LOL - Was a bit all over the show that last post.

Like lay off the booze for a month, then start going out in social situations.

For me it was easier to have a month off the coke and then go out. As I knew I had gone as far as a month and had a clearer view about not doing it.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

That's pretty much my plan although it will be tough. Years of going out for the sake of it kinda imprint on your brain!


----------



## GH16 (Dec 23, 2012)

Hi mate

I've " known" you years on the boards,the very best with all this as we are in the exact same position

Stay strong big guy


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Well I've ****ed up

Went out to meet the ex fiancee yesterday. Ended up drinking loads, snorting coke and getting my head emotionally ****ed. Didn't make work today but at least I have loads of cans!

Gonna get this out of my system today then straighten out again. Not letting this beat me


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Well I've ****ed up
> 
> Went out to meet the ex fiancee yesterday. Ended up drinking loads, snorting coke and getting my head emotionally ****ed. Didn't make work today but at least I have loads of cans!
> 
> Gonna get this out of my system today then straighten out again. *Not letting this beat me*


Stick with that...get back up and dust yourself off; that is what shows strength of character! Did meeting your ex trigger the binge? If so, try to figure out why so you can learn from it.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Yep - She totally played with my emotions. Was very cruel and I dont think she realised.

Not feeling great today and am off to the pub shortly. Need some human interaction or I'll be climbing the walls today.

She's ruined me once before and its not gonna happen again cos I'm better than her and now I realise that


----------



## Raptor (Feb 16, 2010)

Irish Beast said:


> Cheers for popping in. Hows life treating you?


Good mate, had a bit of a blip this weekend but sh1t happens... you?


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

IB, we all have bllips mate, I had one over the weekend (I don't do drugs anymore though so none of that). Deal with it and crack on, get head down.

Don't drink today!!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Well Im back in work today feeling rather lousy. Got 3 hours sleep last night after shovelling a load of coke down. Didn't drink much which I guess is something.

Need to get back in the saddle tomorrow and back on track. Feel quite guilty about the weekends events. £300 down the pan when I was just getting my finances sorted.

Spoke with the ex and she remembers nothing which I guess makes me feel a bit better as I couldn't comprehend the events of the night. She was very apologetic but it ended up sending me on a bender that I could have done without so not too happy about that.

Hopefully a good sleep tonight will sort me as Im absolutely shattered today.


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Well Im back in work today feeling rather lousy. Got 3 hours sleep last night after shovelling a load of coke down. Didn't drink much which I guess is something.
> 
> Need to get back in the saddle tomorrow and back on track. Feel quite guilty about the weekends events. £300 down the pan when I was just getting my finances sorted.
> 
> ...


I think that if you truely do want to recover, you need to identify triggers for drinking and drugs and then eliminate them...even just temporarily and then learn how to manage them if they're something you can't take out of your life.

For example, my family are a trigger. Now I don't want to keep them out of my life for good because I love them, but for a few months I didn't see them at all...I told them that I only want to speak to them when I call them and so not to phone me. That gave me some space to sort myself out and focus on me and my needs, and then gradually I've been in more contact with them and I've gradually been learning how to manage the situations better so that I don't feel stressed and want to drink. I do now see them and talk to my mum loads but they're not allowed to spend the night (they stay at a hotel). They know I love them but that our family dynamics cause me stress so they accept that if I'm to stay well, they need to let me dictate what is and isn't ok.

I've taken control of it now, for example, my sister was coming to stay for New Year, but a few days before she came down, she said something that really upset me and made me so angry. After a few tears, I called her back and said 'this is your issue to deal with, not mine. If you can't manage this issue then please don't come down because I'm in a good place and deserve to celebrate New Year's without this dumped on me'. Instantly our dynamic changed from her putting her issues onto me, to her taking full responsibility for it and apologising to me and asking to come down. I think my family realise that I'm not going to take on any of their emotional issues; something that I think is a big issue for most people trying to quit alcohol and drugs - to only take responsibility for your own feelings, and no one elses. And that's 100% down to you...there will always be people who will try to dump their sh!t on others (not necessarily consciously; it's just the way a lot of us are), and it's our personal responsibility to say 'no, this isn't my sh!t to deal with. You take it'.

The biggest factor in my recent successful management of alcohol has been identifying drinking triggers, eliminating those that can be eliminated and better managing those that can't.

If this ex of yours makes you feel like sh!t then don't allow it in your life.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Cheers Katy - Wise words indeed.

Not sure what to do about the ex. I was actually enjoying her company at one stage and we were having a laugh. Then she just went really weird on me. Doesnt remember kissing me in the pub! Then went completely cold on me. Im gonna meet her on Thursday again on the condition that no booze in involved as I would like to be friends with her but Sunday reminded me of how nasty she was when she had drank too much. Not sure whether to just cut her loose completely. I guess Thursday will dictate that. After we split we used to go round to each others every so often for food and a chat which was nice. Would like to get back to that.

Anyway no booze today even though there are some in the fridge calling me! Back to the gym tomorrow. Im supposed to be out on Friday with work but am really reluctant now as I don't want to end up on another bender. Might have to play that one by ear.

Will just have to keep at it and hope that eventually it dies down. I guess one session in 3 weeks isn't that bad by my standards. Just as long as it doesnt become a habit again


----------



## Loveleelady (Jan 3, 2012)

ah god beasty sounds like a mental one

to be honest it sounds like if you want to stay on the straight and narrow you need to stay away from your ex

and time to be honest with youself and realise you need proper help

think of all the worry and stress this is causing your wee mum

so come on give yourself a kick up the ass use that big brain of yours lol and dont put yourself into these situations in the first place


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Loveleelady said:


> ah god beasty sounds like a mental one
> 
> to be honest it sounds like if you want to stay on the straight and narrow you need to stay away from your ex
> 
> ...


I started seeing alcohol services last week but only have fortnightly meetings which isn't really enough but better than nothing I suppose. Will have a chat with her about the weekends events next week when I see her.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Yesterdays update -Just a bit of back training. Was pretty hard compared to previous sessions which shows how much damage the drink and drugs really do. Really regretful about the weekend now but can't turn back time. Going to get this weekend out of the way then dry out again.

Off to do some cardio of a different nature this morning. There are l3 punching bags and some items to let me do circuict style training. Will be less tedous than running on the treadmill for ages!


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Irish Beast said:


> Yesterdays update -Just a bit of back training. Was pretty hard compared to previous sessions which shows how much damage the drink and drugs really do. Really regretful about the weekend now but can't turn back time. Going to get this weekend out of the way then dry out again.
> 
> Off to do some cardio of a different nature this morning. There are l3 punching bags and some items to let me do circuict style training. Will be less tedous than running on the treadmill for ages!


Keep the good work up mate.

If I was you, I would pour away those beers in the fridge, too tempting. Also I would give the session a swerve until I felt stronger.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I can go down the boozer and have 3 pints now, any more than 5 though and I am getting smashed. Just have to learn your thresholds etc and realise that we are not normal 

Delete all coke dealer numbers too.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Well the bag work was great! Absolutely killed me though. Didnt realise just how physically demanding it was. Maybe Im not as fit as I thought. My leading forearm is starting to hurt already so I envisage agony tomorrow, lucky as its leg day. Going to factor more punching into my workouts as I really enjoyed it and allowed me to let off some aggression.

Not drank since Monday and have no real desire to. Im probably still going to go out tomorrow evening for a while to catch up with some people which should be good.

Going to try and do more flat renevating this weekend! Finished the painting in the bathroom last night so was very pleased with myself!

So seem to be back on track after my blip. The ex is coming over tonight for a chat and a bite to eat to clear the air after last weekend. No booze will be involved as that was what lead to her downfall on Sunday. Would still like to be her friend as I do have a very special bond with her but she makes it very hard sometimes and has crazy mood swings.

Think I am starting to lean out a little bit even though the scales are actually creeping up a tiny amount. Swapping to slow acting Test and Tren shortly as Im probably going to stay on for a lengthy period I would imagine


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

IB,

How are you mate? Did you fight the temptation at the weekend or have you been on a 3 day bender. The silence is deafening. Hope things are good, buddy!!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

3 day bender. One of the heaviest I have ever had. Pretty ****ed off with myself and feel like all my hard work has gone down the pan.

On a positive note I got jiggy with a girl on Friday night then shagged her sister on Saturday which was kinda funny. She wouldn't leave though and just sat around drinking all the time which didnt really help me as I was planning on getting rid of her yesterday and taking it easy

Hopefully have a date from POF on Saturday and she is gorgeous so I really hope it materialises


----------



## GH16 (Dec 23, 2012)

Every blip you have will make you stronger mate


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Back on track today

Slept in so missed my morning session but went after work as I was determined not to be lazy. Wasn't too bad and managed a really good session of chest biceps and bag work.

Going to stay dry now til Saturday when I met the girl from POF. Spoke to her last night on the phone and she sounds really nice. Refuse to get too excited though just yet.

Seeing me alcohol counsellor tomorrow for my second session so will be interesting to hear what she has to say about my antics


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Bits of legs and abs today. Quite a short session as I intended to do bag work and the bag has snapped off the hook which means it will be about 6 months before it get fixed which is really annoying as I was starting to love doing it. Maybe a blessing for today as I have a slight forearm niggle.

Counselling session yesterday was okay. We discusssed a lot of things which I have been giving thought to myself lately anyway. Was okay I suppose and at least its someone to talk to. 6 more sessions with her before deciding what to do


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Something I just realised this morning is that come tonight I will have not drank for 5 days without much difficulty which must mean things are moving in the right direction. I will be having a drink tomorrow night when I am out with my young lady friend but I'm not going to hammer it! Don't think she would be best impressed!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Managed a half decent session today but pullled a muscle in my back which is really sore and I have my hot date tonight! Just having a beer now which is my first of the week so doing pretty well. Alcohol counsellor says I am doing fairly well which is positive despite my few blunders.

Body is starting to take shape and the fat levels are coming down very slowly yet weight is staying the same. Glad I dropped DNP. Seem to be be doing better without it.

So all good in Beast camp apart from my back and I hope my date goes well!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Well my whole weekend was a disaster! The girl totally played me and left me feeling like a fool. So I done the adult thing and got drunk, snorted coke and injected nubain and mitazolam. Was quite wasted which was a bit of a laugh. Not going to go into the details about what happened with her but it was not nice at all and I was very hurt by it. Depression at an all time low so need to see Doc again.

Managed the gym today. Done a decent bit of chest and a fair bit of bag work. Again enjoyed the bags but it really hurts my arms. Get such a burn from it though from just a few quick blasts that I know its doing me good.

Not sure what to do with myself now. Im emotionally a bit screwed up again after things were going semi ok. Going to keep on with the training and see what happens. Nothing coming up at all to look forward to which is a bit depressing, no friends to see etc. Don't know how i am going to get through but I will give it a whirl anyway


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Irish Beast said:


> Well my whole weekend was a disaster! The girl totally played me and left me feeling like a food. So I done the adult thing and got drunk, snorted coke and injected nubain and mitazolam. Was quite wasted which was a bit of a laugh. Not going to go into the details about what happened with her but it was not nice at all and I was very hurt by it. Depression at an all time low so need to see Doc again.
> 
> Managed the gym today. Done a decent bit of chest and a fair bit of bag work. Again enjoyed the bags but it really hurts my arms. Get such a burn from it though from just a few quick blasts that I know its doing me good.
> 
> Not sure what to do with myself now. Im emotionally a bit screwed up again after things were going semi ok. Going to keep on with the training and see what happens. Nothing coming up at all to look forward to which is a bit depressing, no friends to see etc. Don't know how i am going to get through but I will give it a whirl anyway


Hi mate,

I did wonder what you have been up to. Don't worry about some random bird, two-a-penny mate, never gets me down, just move on to the next.

Well done with getting down the gym, breaking the cycle and sweating the drugs out.

Make a workout plan, set goals, diet etc, keep head down and crack on.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

She was a belter though and don't know why she did it but I'll have to get over it. Just seem a bit cursed with females these days. Every one of them. Is a dishonest sneaky ****! And that's me sitting on the fence about the matter,!


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

I've yet to meet a bird I couldn't walk away from ands forget within a few months. Now I have two kids so different story but same for missus without the kids of course.

Back on straight and narrow, get arris to gym. You on a cycle? Might kick you on?


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Thanks for that generalisation about women!

On a different note...you will always be able to find a reason to get p!ssed and put all sorts of [email protected] into your system. Rationally, does it make sense though to fvck youself over after a bad date? Rationally, it would have been better to just not see her again and get back on with diet, training and focussing on your future.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Katy said:


> Thanks for that generalisation about women!
> 
> On a different note...you will always be able to find a reason to get p!ssed and put all sorts of [email protected] into your system. Rationally, does it make sense though to fvck youself over after a bad date? Rationally, it would have been better to just not see her again and get back on with diet, training and focussing on your future.


No problem! I am actually reluctant to talk to you as I now see you as the enemy!

Its a fair point though about getting caned every time something bad happens. I guess its just a mechanism I have got used to over the years that is almost impossible to change. Rationally it makes no sense to punish my body due to someone else's wrong doings. I guess I somehow blame myself even though that may not seem particularly logical.

Still feel like a bag of crap today. This particularly bout of depression is one of the worst I've had for a long time so hopefully I will snap out of it soon. Feel out with a friend last night who was harassing me to let her visit and I just wanted to be left alone as I wasn't in the mood for entertaining and chit chat. Not good


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> No problem! I am actually reluctant to talk to you as I now see you as the enemy!
> 
> Its a fair point though about getting caned every time something bad happens. I guess its just a mechanism I have got used to over the years that is almost impossible to change. Rationally it makes no sense to punish my body due to someone else's wrong doings. I guess I somehow blame myself even though that may not seem particularly logical.
> 
> Still feel like a bag of crap today. This particularly bout of depression is one of the worst I've had for a long time so hopefully I will snap out of it soon. Feel out with a friend last night who was harassing me to let her visit and I just wanted to be left alone as I wasn't in the mood for entertaining and chit chat. Not good


You're not actually reluctant to talk to me are you? :crying:

Yeah it's never hard to find a reason to drink (or take drugs in your case) and there will always be a reason. It's not however 'impossible' to change and there are many people out there who are proof of that. It's about changing habitual thinking and behaviour. At the moment, your thoughts and behaviour are towards self abuse and your 'go to' is alcohol and drugs. This sounds like an oversimplification but you just have to change that pattern. I say 'just' because logially it's simple but in reality, it's fvkcing hard! It took me about 6 months to crack it and I fear one day slipping back. I still can't believe how after years and years of automtically reaching for the booze, I've somehow changed my habit to the point that it doesn't even occur to me...I just treat myself to a hot drink and a night in with the tv for comfort. 6 months ago that seemed impossible! But this has now become my normality and it can become yours if you try to change your thinking and behaviour.

At the crux of it though, you need to start treating yourself better! I hope you can see that punishing yourself and your body in response to a woman upsetting you seems irrational? Firstly, it doesn't fix anything and secondly, only you suffer!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Katy said:


> *You're not actually reluctant to talk to me are you? * :crying:
> 
> Yeah it's never hard to find a reason to drink (or take drugs in your case) and there will always be a reason. It's not however 'impossible' to change and there are many people out there who are proof of that. It's about changing habitual thinking and behaviour. At the moment, your thoughts and behaviour are towards self abuse and your 'go to' is alcohol and drugs. This sounds like an oversimplification but you just have to change that pattern. I say 'just' because logially it's simple but in reality, it's fvkcing hard! It took me about 6 months to crack it and I fear one day slipping back. I still can't believe how after years and years of automtically reaching for the booze, I've somehow changed my habit to the point that it doesn't even occur to me...I just treat myself to a hot drink and a night in with the tv for comfort. 6 months ago that seemed impossible! But this has now become my normality and it can become yours if you try to change your thinking and behaviour.
> 
> At the crux of it though, you need to start treating yourself better! I hope you can see that punishing yourself and your body in response to a woman upsetting you seems irrational? Firstly, it doesn't fix anything and secondly, only you suffer!


The jury is out! I may just cut woman out of my life and become a raving homosexual. Would make things a lot easier. I reckon40% of my lifes problems are caused by drink and drugs, 40% by women and the other 20 are just miscellaneous things!

Done a half decent leg session today. Should have been a back session but the twinge is still there gave it a miss. Feeling firmer and down a few lbs which is good. Been eating healthy for a couple of days now and training hard so hopefully I will reap the rewards. Going to up my gear usage a little bit but nothing major. Styaing on Tren and test but swapping from a rip to the separate Enanthates. Will see how that goes.

All in all I don't know where I am at. I feel like my physique is improving slowly buy my mental wellbeing is getting worse which is really frustrating! Going to try and factor in a lot of cardio in the coming weeks. I reckon if I could drop a load of fat it might give me some confidence back as its severely dented at the moment due to recent events.


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

When's your next counselling appointment?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Next Wednesday. Not sure there is much point in having 6 more of them but will ride it out anyway.

I'm tempted to try a private psychiatrist. Will be expensive but might be worth a go


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

£150 for a session lasting under an hour! I was hoping it would be around half that!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> £150 for a session lasting under an hour! I was hoping it would be around half that!


To be fair, psychiatrists are medically trained so come at things from that angle, which is why they are used for people with psychiatric illness that most likely require drugs e.g. psychosis, schizophrenia etc. If you're seeking psychological help to help you quit booze etc then a psychologist makes more sense.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Probably right K. Will see if I can find one with better rates. Got doc appointment on Monday so will explain my dilemma


----------



## Loveleelady (Jan 3, 2012)

Irish Beast said:


> *
> *
> 
> *
> ...


*
*

*
Beasty look at that sentence... you forget to mention the % that is caused by you yourself*

*
*

*
jaysus lad pull it together get the right kind of help*

*
*

*
and think from what you saying you gonna have to stay completely away from drink drugs and women for a bit, you're caught in a viscious cycle*

*
*

*
wtf was that stuff you were putting into yourself?*

*
*

*
was i rite about that chick being a freeloader?*


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Yo LL - Well. the drink and drugs 40% is my fault!

Cant't remember at what stage we spoke but she wanted to go out with me again this Saturday and even came up very briefly on Sunday. I really couldn't be be ****d but agreed as I thought she might have wanted company. She was rough from the day before so ended up getting off really quickly.

I texted her saying it all felt a bit odd and maybe Saturday was not a good idea and she just responded along the lines of "Yeah your probably right, see you later", Oh and the usual "You're a nice guy" sh1t. Dunno about being a freeloader but she was quite cruel how she went about things. An admirable trait in a teacher!


----------



## Loveleelady (Jan 3, 2012)

Irish Beast said:


> Yo LL - Well. the drink and drugs 40% is my fault!
> 
> Cant't remember at what stage we spoke but she wanted to go out with me again this Saturday and even came up very briefly on Sunday. I really couldn't be be ****d but agreed as I thought she might have wanted company. She was rough from the day before so ended up getting off really quickly.
> 
> I texted her saying it all felt a bit odd and maybe Saturday was not a good idea and she just responded along the lines of "Yeah your probably right, see you later", Oh and the usual "You're a nice guy" sh1t. Dunno about being a freeloader but she was quite cruel how she went about things. An admirable trait in a teacher!


i dont get what she did wrong?? you knocked her back what did you expect her to do? beg and plead to see you again? i think you're exaggerating to when you say cruel...those are just the highs and lows of dating, we all take knock backs rejection and let downs ...fuk it onwards and upwards


----------



## Zola (Mar 14, 2012)

what's for you won't pass you by mate.

cut out the drink and drugs and life will be clearer sooner


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

The fact that she was willing to keep going out with me when she a early wasn't interested was the cruel bit. I didn't just abruptly dump her in the text. It had a more inquisitive nature. Testing the water if you like. She agreed to go out again and wanted to see me yet something didn't feel right and as soon as I texted the response was so blunt it was cutting.

It's hard to explain.


----------



## Zola (Mar 14, 2012)

Women are a proud and sensitive type mate in my experience .

Who knows what way she truly was after she sent that text. For all you know she could have been thinking "**** sake not again, why do I keep screwing it up for myself?"

the manner of her text is no different to a man saying "im fine" when he may not be.

walls of defence and such. This bird isn't for you as you were not exactly head over heels, you knew deep down and were willing to part ways in the first place.

move onto the next one, but you gotta try and cut out the stuff that's making you feel so ****.


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Regardless of this girls motives or way about things, it really shouldn't detract from what you're trying achieve yourself, which I presume is a happier future without the drugs and booze fvcking it up. I really do think that this should be your priority as it seems to be THE only thing that is your obstacle; it fvcks up your weekends, your work and your training....your life. You should therefore be focussing on that. Anything that jeopardises that should be left behind.

I do wonder if you've quite twigged yet just how much the booze and drugs are ruining everything. And as LL very wisely put it...that's down to you...the responsibility to sort that is soley down to you. Regardless of whether a woman upsets you, or work is tough etc...it's how you cope with that which dictates how things will pan out for you; whether you turn to the booze to fvck things up even more or whether you dust yourself off and crack on with life.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Typical females giving me a hard time! Lol

Fair points though but the reality is that I have cut my intake of everything down massively and am looking better. So I'm not overly annoyed with myself. Compared to how I was in November and December the change is massive so I'm going to try and take the positives from that.

I think I do need to focus on myself and just bin women completely! Mind you that shouldn't be too hard with my track record!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

LL your post has really made me think and although I don't think she acted complete honestly I am just as much to blame and am playing the victim when deep down I shouldn't. Just wish I could turn back the clock.

I've sent her a sincere apology by text and Really hope she reads it. Not expecting a response but hopefully it will show her that I am not nasty and maybe even text me back! Not holding my breath.

Mum just called asking loads of stuff about her having spoken to Dad which made me feel really bad about myself as I was describing her


----------



## Loveleelady (Jan 3, 2012)

Irish Beast said:


> LL your post has really made me think and although I don't think she acted complete honestly I am just as much to blame and am playing the victim when deep down I shouldn't. Just wish I could turn back the clock.
> 
> I've sent her a sincere apology by text and Really hope she reads it. Not expecting a response but hopefully it will show her that I am not nasty and maybe even text me back! Not holding my breath.
> 
> Mum just called asking loads of stuff about her having spoken to Dad which made me feel really bad about myself as I was describing her


hey thats good

i dont want be cheeky but i think your perspective and reactions have been all fuked up by your drug and alcohol abuse

i think if you were totally clean for a bit and looked back you would see that too

the bit where you cut down and take a little is still addiction you're kiddin yourself beasty

theres only one way to go for you and thats totally clean

but i think its gonna take somethin extremely dramatic unfortunately for you to realise that

i dunno i think from reading your posts your not really intending to change which is sad cause id love to see you do well and be happy with yourself and not to be worrying your wee parents all the time


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

I agree with LL. I don't want to [email protected] on your efforts to change and I truely commend you for seeking support...it is the first step, however, I think you're underestimating just how much of a change you need to make. 5 days ago you were injecting multiple sedatives into your system on top of coke and booze...tbh, you got yourself into quite state and this is not long after some very serious health scares. And now you're suggesting that it's not too bad and that it's now down to just a bit here and there. Stepping back and looking at last weekend, it is misuse on a very dangerous scale and you don't have it under control. I genuinely want to see good things for you and don't want to be a downer but sometimes you need to see the harsh reality...and I don't think you're seeing it yet. I couldn't last year; it's only on refelction that I can't believe just how bad things were, but then at the time that was normality. At the moment, I think these dangerous binges are normal for you..if one day you get yourself totally clean, you'll look back and truely see how this misuse of drugs and alcohol is not in the realms of normal or healthy.

As LL suggests though, it may unfortunately take something quite horrible for you to see that just trying to reduce is nowhere near enough to stop events like last weekend from happening. It did for me. Whilst I knew I had a problem and sought help, I still hadn't accepted that I had to stop 100%...I kept trying to just reduce and each time fell flat on my face. It was only when something really bad happened that everything changed.

From an outside persepctive, drugs and alcohol are stunting any attempt you make to move your life forwards and gain happiness.

I hope you can see that my comments come from a genuine hope that you can get what you want in life. I'm not wanting to be mean or negative...just real.


----------



## LittleMsMuscle (Jan 29, 2013)

Katy said:


> Subbed
> 
> It's great to read that you acknowledge that you need to do something about the misuse


I second that, you are very brave for admitting this. Alcoholism is something I experienced for years with my loved ones, and its something that still haunts me.

I do wish you the very best of luck on your journey


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

LittleMsMuscle said:


> I second that, you are very brave for admitting this. Alcoholism is something I experienced for years with my loved ones, and its something that still haunts me.
> 
> I do wish you the very best of luck on your journey


Hey thanks for popping in. Please come again.

Weekend has been a complete disaster. One of the worst for a long time


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Hey thanks for popping in. Please come again.
> 
> Weekend has been a complete disaster. One of the worst for a long time


What's happened?


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Hello mate,

How's it going? Big sesh over the weekend?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

What a complete and utter **** up. Done nothing but drink and snort coke for 5 consecutive days. About a grand spend and 2 days off work which I will not be paid for. Seem to be getting worse and I don't know why.

Seeing my counsellor tomorrow so hopefully she can suggest something as my body can't take that kind of punishment and neither can my wallet.

Going to try another dry spell I think. Need to stay in for a few weeks now anyway cos of how much money I wasted


----------



## H U N T E R (Nov 12, 2012)

Hope you get it sorted man, stay strong good luck


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

H U N T E R said:


> Hope you get it sorted man, stay strong good luck


Thanks - It just seems to be getting harder. I don't really have any support which makes it tough. I wish some of my friends would be a little more supportive!I try not to rely on others but it would really help The only help I get is through forums and half an hour a fortnight with my counsellor which is better than nothing but not enough given the extent of the problem.

Thinking of making a clean break from Liverpool to be honest but work is scarce. Maybe I need to get out of the city for a while. Only problem is that I don't drive which can make it a bit tough.

Not really sure what to do next. Im a very confused beast at the moment.


----------



## H U N T E R (Nov 12, 2012)

Irish Beast said:


> Thanks - It just seems to be getting harder. I don't really have any support which makes it tough. I wish some of my friends would be a little more supportive!I try not to rely on others but it would really help The only help I get is through forums and half an hour a fortnight with my counsellor which is better than nothing but not enough given the extent of the problem.
> 
> Thinking of making a clean break from Liverpool to be honest but work is scarce. Maybe I need to get out of the city for a while. Only problem is that I don't drive which can make it a bit tough.
> 
> Not really sure what to do next. Im a very confused beast at the moment.


Not very good at advice as I don't drink or do drugs but in would just tend to look at the benefits if you manage to cut it out healthier life style sense of achievement and a good bit of belief in yourself for pulling it off! Not bein able to drive dosnt help with the moving out of Liverpool situation so hopefully you find an alternative to this idea....


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Thanks - It just seems to be getting harder. I don't really have any support which makes it tough. I wish some of my friends would be a little more supportive!I try not to rely on others but it would really help The only help I get is through forums and half an hour a fortnight with my counsellor which is better than nothing but not enough given the extent of the problem.
> 
> Thinking of making a clean break from Liverpool to be honest but work is scarce. Maybe I need to get out of the city for a while. Only problem is that I don't drive which can make it a bit tough.
> 
> Not really sure what to do next. Im a very confused beast at the moment.


Problem is, your drink and drug problems will follow you. However, I did find moving to a different area very helpful in getting myself together  I'll respond to your PM later hun, after work


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Irish Beast said:


> Thanks - It just seems to be getting harder. I don't really have any support which makes it tough. I wish some of my friends would be a little more supportive!I try not to rely on others but it would really help The only help I get is through forums and half an hour a fortnight with my counsellor which is better than nothing but not enough given the extent of the problem.
> 
> Thinking of making a clean break from Liverpool to be honest but work is scarce. Maybe I need to get out of the city for a while. Only problem is that I don't drive which can make it a bit tough.
> 
> Not really sure what to do next. Im a very confused beast at the moment.


My problems followed me about from place to place but I made a monumental effort when I moved to Hertfordshire to not get involved. I deleted all numbers, didn't get to know many people and basically stayed away from rough boozers etc. It worked (I did fail a few times).


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

I would love to be somewhere a bit more rural but I can see it being very lonely.

Might be a risk worth taking though as coke is just so ridiculously easy to get hold off that even deleting numbers wouldn't make a difference!

I honestly think if I could get things to a normal level and get into a relationship it would help. Even though I have had my fingers burnt I do tend to drink and snort less when I have a female in my life as I would rather spend my time and money doing stuff with her


----------



## Clubber Lang (Nov 4, 2009)

Irish Beast said:


> £150 for a session lasting under an hour! I was hoping it would be around half that!


just talk to me, i'll only charge you £75, then again i could hardly understand a word you said the last time you rang. Bloody irish lol


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> I would love to be somewhere a bit more rural but I can see it being very lonely.
> 
> Might be a risk worth taking though as coke is just so ridiculously easy to get hold off that even deleting numbers wouldn't make a difference!
> 
> I honestly think if I could get things to a normal level and get into a relationship it would help. Even though I have had my fingers burnt I do tend to drink and snort less when I have a female in my life as I would rather spend my time and money doing stuff with her


Alcoholism is quite an issue in rural areas though. It's been quite an eye opener since moving to the country. However, I have found that as a result of the issue in rural areas, I was finally taken seriously by professionals. I think that if a relationship is supportive and healthy then it can be a great help but if not, then it can be a major contributer to the problems. Anyway, drinking less isn't enough...you need to stop.


----------



## icamero1 (Jul 3, 2009)

go to narcotics anonymous or cocaine anonymouse meetings, they seem to be keeping me sober. get yourself a sponser and hopefully you will see that you can have a decent life without getting wrecked. you sound like me in respect of 5 day binges, missing work, spunking your money etc... I did it over and over, lost loadsa good jobs, I know now that I cant drink at all, otherwise even one drink sets me off, done it few weeks ago, had one glass of wine on my birthday, and I sobered up 7 days later, hadnt rang work either, luckily i still got a job, but cant do it again.

go to a few meetings, share your experiences and talk to others, got nothing to loose. good luck


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

icamero1 said:


> go to narcotics anonymous or cocaine anonymouse meetings, they seem to be keeping me sober. get yourself a sponser and hopefully you will see that you can have a decent life without getting wrecked. you sound like me in respect of 5 day binges, missing work, spunking your money etc... I did it over and over, lost loadsa good jobs, I know now that I cant drink at all, otherwise even one drink sets me off, done it few weeks ago, had one glass of wine on my birthday, and I sobered up 7 days later, hadnt rang work either, luckily i still got a job, but cant do it again.
> 
> go to a few meetings, share your experiences and talk to others, got nothing to loose. good luck


I was initially really opposed to groups. It was only when things got really bad that I thought I had nothing to lose. It really was very helpful in helping me reallise my problem and to feel understood.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Bit of progress at my alcohol meeting today. She basically said that she doesn't believe there is anything she personally can do for me when I told her exactly what I had been up to.

She is going to refer me on for psychological counselling and also write a case to have me put on anti craving drugs. She says its difficult to get them but the extent of my drinking along with my age and situation would make me a good candidate. She said the main thing going against me is my recreational drug use but if I don't drink I don't take anything other than gear and the odd valium. Could ditch the valium easily.

So I feel that was quite beneficial. She seems to be trying hard to help but is at a loss with me. Was interesting talking to her about the date and the events which followed as I have not had a chance to talk to someone about that face to face. Think I need to get to the root of the problem as well as addressing it.

Anyway back to the gym tomorrow. Will try not to drink this weekend. Just ordered some new furniture for the bedroom so at least I can get it looking decent as its looked like a sh1t heap since I moved in. Landlord just fills the places with old knackered furniture so it will be nice to have some new stuff. Spent quite a lot of time and money on this flat recently but at least its looking a little better. Mind you with the money I have spent I could have moved but I never really thought it would add up so much and I haven't finished yet. Might as well just get all the stuff fairly soon as my contract ends late March so I might be unemployed which is a horrendous thought at the moment.


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

I used two drugs to help stop. Campral - anti-craving drug, this actually worked for me but doen't for others. Antabuse - makes you seriously sick if you drin, I didn't care and drank anyway, not nice but never stopped me.

Get Campral is my advice. Can buy over net but expensive.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

She did say that they do not work for everybody so I guess its the luck of the draw really.

I wondered about the one that makes you sick but like yourself I reckon it probably wouldn't deter me!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Well a less than triumphant return to the gym today. Got there and realised I had left my work trousers at home! So had about 25 minutes to squeeze in a workout before darting home.

Was quite tough going and only managed 4 exercises (2 shoulders, 2 tris) but got quite a burn and Im still a bit rubbery! Might be something to try again in future. Really wanted a long session but such is life.

Another weekend is approaching which is worrying me a little. Been dry a couple of days now but have a strong urge to drink in the evenings now which I had managed to get rid off, not good. Hoping I can find something to do at the weekend but its not easy and Im back in that mindset of wanting to go to the pub again on Saturdays and Sundays. Im housebound on Saturday until a delivery comes which might be a good thing.

You'll all probably think I am mad for this but Im in conversation with another girl from POF. Pretty much a polar opposite from the last one in many ways. Im a little bit tempted to see if she wants to do something in one of the coming weekends but am still a bit peeved about the other weekend. Part of me thinks I should just leave it and save my money!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Better session today. Hit my back quite hard and done some bag work as well. I'm definitely getting better at the bags both in terms of technique and fitness levels. I can actually manage to go longer than when I started but it still absolutely kills me. Definitely the hardest cardio I have ever done.

Not sure if I will be able to train tomorrow as I am waiting on a delivery which can come literally any time tomorrow which is annoying.

Not drank for a few days now but I know the temptation will be massive tonight. Especially as tomorrow will be spent sitting around waiting on a delivery. Going to get my bedroom sorted so thats another room in the flat pretty much done then. Shouldn't be that hard.

I should try to stay completely dry but boredom is really getting to me these days so not sure if thats going to be possible. Maybe stay dry tonight. Get the flat sorted during the day tomorrow and then go to the pub later on for a bit


----------



## Zola (Mar 14, 2012)

could always go for a big run and watch a film after / get stuck into a tv series, will help to keep you off the booze!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

I normally do the tv series thing but last week the media centre on my ps3 stopped working which is really annoying me! Might have another look tonight


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

IB, how's it going mate?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Another heavy weekend so was pretty much a zombie throughout!

Up for the gym now but its gonna be hard work, I just know it. This weekend will be a more sensible one as Im off to meet my family in Birmingham as they are over. Should be good.

Drug intake was high at the weekend. Drinking has been worse but still too much. Proving hard at the minute


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Managed a decent chest and biceps session this morning 

Definitely piled on soime size this year but hardly anything in terms of strength. Not overly bothered about it but it does play on my mind sometimes that I don't seem to get much stronger. You would think increased muscle size would lead to some kind of noticeable strength increase but not in my case!

Will be drug free now for a while which is good as I am seeing family this weekend so there will be no temptation and I don't do it in the week. Over the last few weeks there has been at least one day a week where I have ate little or nothing due to reccies which ain't good. Need to start force feeding myself shakes in those situations or better still stop getting into them!

Tempted to up the ante on the tren a little bit. Running aropund 500mg a week at the moment along with some test but don't have any problems with sides and have quite a bit of it at my disposal so may well up it. That should help with the strength


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Legs today which went pretty well. Starting to enjoy training legs again. Injuries don't seem to be giving me too much grief at the minute so might start going heavier in the next few weeks. Don't really squat any more than about 120 these days but am very strict with form

Been struggling today a bit as I had to use up some old protein that I had knocking around and its bloated me unbelievably. Downed a big shaker of it after the gym and couldnt swim properly and thought I was going to throw up. Need to get some more of the badboy stuff!

Gonna have a beer tonight I think and a rest day tomorrow as I am fairly stiff in the upper body and legs will ache tomorrow. Will see if I can keep it sensible!


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Irish Beast said:


> Gonna have a beer tonight I think.....


Are you still having that beer


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Huntingground said:


> Are you still having that beer


Just coming out of another bender. Ex came round on Tuesday night and i ended up getting drunk and high until late last night. Quite an effort. Two more days off work and a few ton down the drain!

I swear when I up gear dosages II get more of an urge to get wasted. Gonna have a dry night tonight and a **** load of benzos as I am seriously sleep deprived and might have a date of sorts tomorrow afternoon. Best just stick needles where they won't show visible bruises!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Lack of updates due to a rather hectic few days. Managed a few good sessions but am having terrible junk food cravings which I can't seem to resist. Eating loads of crisps and chocolate! Always had a sweet tooth but its crazy at the minute. Gonna get down gym again tomorrow then taking a few days off as a friend is coming to stay for the weekend. Should be a relaxing one as she doesn't drink so I will have to find different things to do. Imagine we will be eating out a lot which will be nice. Been enjoying eating out a bit recently. Last few weekends have been carnage so hopefully I can keep it real this time. Have no excuses really as I am in ideal company for doing so

Physique wise I think Im about the same although maybe a couple of lbs gained round the gut from all the junk. Will address is when things are a bit less hectic


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Quick update - Training and eating has been going well for a few days now so feeling pretty good. Managed to get back up to 19 stone as well. Feeling a bit firmer after a few decent sessions and good food. Gonna try and keep the momentum going and eat more steak, something which my diet has been really lacking of late.

Don't seem to be gaining size as easily as I used to but that could be due to so many things. Dont want to go mad on the calories as my BF is as high as I want it to get.

Drinking wise its been okayish. Sticking to beer mainly. Still doing the coke, various benzos etc but they dont really bother me as I can drink a bit do coke and get a decent sleep through the benzos so don't feel like death the next day. Vicious circle I know but its keeping me content at least for now!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

First cardio session for a while today. Found it really boring and came off the treadmill after 30 mins. Could have went on longer but it was mind numbing. Bit of a swim afterwards and felt pretty good

Managed to eat pretty well again today. Hoping to keep the momentum going over the weekend. Im hoping a friend will come and visit as she doesnt really drink so would make it much easier for me to keep on the straight and narrow. Otherwise it will be the same old **** I imagine!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Well another brutal weekend on the coke and booze has passed but managed to make the gym for a second consecutive Monday morning which is quite an achievement. Finding the coke thing really hard at the moment. Harder than ever I think. I used to only buy it when I was pretty drunk but now Im getting it when ive only had a couple of cans which is not like me.

Its annoying me cos of the finances but also as its messing up my training as there is at least one day a week (sometimes 2) where I eat absolutely nothing. ALways at the weekend after being good most of the week. Silly I know but its a very hard habit to break.

Think I am getting a bit stonger but no real gains of note. Need to start calorie counting as although I eat a fair but I'm not sure its actually enough given my size. Might get on fitday.com later

Just some chest work this morning, felt pretty good and a swim afterwards. Think I went up to 130kg on the bench which is as high as I will really go as when I was doing 150 my tendons tore and I vowed never to go that high again. Saying that though my tendons feel fine now but I know for a fact that I don't have 150 in me at the minute!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Another fairly big meal before bed time and a decent leg workout this morning. I think Im definitely on to something here although it feels weird eating a full meal late when not intoxicated.

Decided to try the legs with a bit of heavier lifting and went up to 160 on the squats. That was 5th set and was feeling the burn by the so would be interested to see what my 1rm would be, not that Im particularly bothered. At least strength seems to be moving along.

Im upping the cals a bit on the whole but keeping an eye on the waistline at the same time. I dont think I have been consuming quite enough although I have not calculated it properly yet. Had a high cal shake last night which was immense so might be having one of those a day just to make sure im getting enough in

Shake consists of

3/4 pint of milk

1 scoop whey

50g of oats

1 banana

1 tblsp whole earth peanut butter

Cant rememeber exactly how many calories it packed but it was quite a lot! Quite thick to drink but very nice all the same


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Rest day today which is probably a good thing as I consumed a lethal cocktail of Nubain, Valium, Midazolam and coke last night. Enough to floor a horse by all accounts. On a positive note though I only drank 5 cans!

Going to stick to a clean diet today to minimise the damage done and get back to it tomorrow


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

How are you feeling at the moment about your consumption of alcohol and drugs? It comes across as though you've jsut accepted it as opposed to wanting to combat it?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Katy said:


> How are you feeling at the moment about your consumption of alcohol and drugs? It comes across as though you've jsut accepted it as opposed to wanting to combat it?


Pretty much as above. I've pretty much given up for the time being. Was a bit annoyed as I the last time I spoke to the alcohol lady she was going to refer me for psychological style testing. Had to cancel the next appointment due to work which has resulted in a 6 week wait! Seeing her next week so Im hoping something will have happened.

I've just got no strength to fight it any more, no reason to and no support network whatsoever so its pretty much an impossible task. Im hoping to look at a new flat in the next few days. Its close to where I live but I think the current place depresses me so maybe new surroundings will help? Havn't got anything to lose. On a positive note I got a 3 month extension on my work contract which has alleviated the stress for the time being but its not a very good time in general.

Hope things are better for you Katy. Ive not been on much hence my lack of journal posts


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Pretty much as above. I've pretty much given up for the time being. Was a bit annoyed as I the last time I spoke to the alcohol lady she was going to refer me for psychological style testing. Had to cancel the next appointment due to work which has resulted in a 6 week wait! Seeing her next week so Im hoping something will have happened.
> 
> *I've just got no strength to fight it any more, no reason to* and no support network whatsoever so its pretty much an impossible task. Im hoping to look at a new flat in the next few days. Its close to where I live but I think the current place depresses me so maybe new surroundings will help? Havn't got anything to lose. On a positive note I got a 3 month extension on my work contract which has alleviated the stress for the time being but its not a very good time in general.
> 
> Hope things are better for you Katy. Ive not been on much hence my lack of journal posts


The 'reason to' is a better life for youself. I guess you have to find a reason worth figthing for. For me it was children. I've wanted children for years and knew I couldn't without getting sober. Now that I am sober, there are far more reasons than children to stay sober....very day of my life is worth being sober for but I don't think that's something you can appreciate until you've stayed sober long enough.

This is where it all comes down to you. Support is great but at the end of the day it is all down to you. I guess you aren't there yet.

That's good about your contract and maybe a change of scenery will help too. My environment certainly makes a big different to me. I don't think I could have gotten sober in our old flat...it made me too unhappy.

Things are better for me, thanks. It's all because of sobriety


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Good post Katy and nice to see you back here. I don't really have a reason to stop other thand what my possible death would do to my parents but I do seem to be almost indestructible so that's not a massive concern, as selfish as that sounds. I've got a bit of a new love interest so I'm off to spend the day with her on Saturday which will keep me on the straight and narrow I hope,!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Good week of training but a very mixed end to it indeed.

A very good forum friend of mine died the other day (Drab4) and its really hit me hard as he died from essentially what I do all the time. Thing is he was actually on the straight and narrow but a relapse killed him. So I was deeply saddened.

Then found out that my new love interest is only a tease and was stringing me along with a load of other men. Had my suspicions but they have now been confirmed. ****ed around by another female but getting used to it now!

One positive is that I had a flat viewing yesterday and its far nicer then where I am and only down the road so I could be there within a week which Im very happy about as the current place is depressing me. Just wish I had not spent so much money decorating it.

I now have a free weekend as I was supposed to be going to see her which is a bit annoying as it will probably end up in carnage as th weather is so grim that my options would be limited anyway!


----------



## Zola (Mar 14, 2012)

Hit the gym mate and have a healthy weekend. Dont let her bring you down..


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Quick update from Beast land

Weekend was a heavy one needless to say. Had my head ****ed by another girl who took me for a mug and after Dave's death was not in a good place at all. Shovelled coke down like it was going out of fashion and very nearly done some silly things that would have seen me locked up for a long time!

On a positive note I made training for a second Monday morning and got my new flat keys yesterday which Im delighted about as I think my current place is part of the reason for my bad moods. Very dark place with bad memories. New place is just down the road but is more modern spacious and has a nicer feel. Some of the lads are helping me move tomorrow evening so I clean the old place Thursday then enjoy the long weekend in my nice new pad.

I've recently become really good friends with a lady through a friend at work who has kinda taken me under her wing which is nice. Shes suggested coming down this weekend for a day and I think I will as long as the flat stuff gets done.

Training has been pretty consistant lately, if I could just sort me eating out on the weekend I would be half way there! Maybe just maybe things are on the lookup a little bit. I've all but given up on women as ever one I met is just a snake and I can't be ****d any more. I've been neglecting the lads a bit to do my woman hunting but thats going to stop as at least I know which them there are no ulterior motives and they are not going to shaft me at every opportunity!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

A new environment can be really helpful...especially if you make changes to your lifestyle at the same time...otherwise, you end up building the same bad associations and habits with the new place. When I quit smoking I waited until I moved flat and vowed to never smoke in the new flat...I very nearly caved once but didn't so managed to qiut smoking completely at the same as moving home.

Regarding women...I think it's easy to generalise men and women based on past experiences, I know I did and used to be very untrusting of men indeed. However, if you're in a bad place emotionally it can be easy to attract or stay with the wrong people so I just wonder if perhaps rather than dismissing all women just focus on waiting until you're in a better place so you're better able to spot the good ones. I can only speak from personal and friends' experiences but when I was in a bad place I didn't think I was worth much so allowed men to treat me badly because I thought thats' what I deserved. As a result I continued to feel worthless and believed that all men would treat me that way. It was only after I stayed single for a year and focussed on myself that I started to demand and expect more from men and then, I attracted better men and I didn't give the 'losers' the time of day. And I see the same pattern with my friends. There are good ones out there...but you've got to be in the right place mentally to spot them and keep them.

Do you remember the texts on Saturday?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Ta Katy. Yeah I remember texting just before the valium knocked me for six! Really hope this new place will listen my mood a bit. Certainly can't make it any worse!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Ta Katy. Yeah I remember texting just before the valium knocked me for six! Really hope this new place will listen my mood a bit. Certainly can't make it any worse!


Are you still wanting to talk at some point?

A home can really make a difference. I don't think I could have gotten sober in our last, very tiny flat...it made me miserable.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Would love to Katy. Our previous chats were a bit of a blur as we were both pie eyed at the time so not much use to each other! I do believe that the new place will help. I really love natural light and dont like places which are gloomy so I hope that it helps. Needs a few bits of furniture but nothing major and I can't wait to make it my own. Seems really quiet and the neighbours are all working professionals and not layabouts like the people in my current place.

I might give you a call over the weekend when Im in the new place and settled. Just let me know when is best. Im away on Friday but pretty much a free agent other than that.

Thanks for your support


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Would love to Katy. Our previous chats were a bit of a blur as we were both pie eyed at the time so not much use to each other! I do believe that the new place will help. I really love natural light and dont like places which are gloomy so I hope that it helps. Needs a few bits of furniture but nothing major and I can't wait to make it my own. Seems really quiet and the neighbours are all working professionals and not layabouts like the people in my current place.
> 
> I might give you a call over the weekend when Im in the new place and settled. Just let me know when is best. Im away on Friday but pretty much a free agent other than that.
> 
> Thanks for your support


Natural light and professional people sounds like a positive environment. Light levels have a huge impact on my mood.

Yes, I'm not p!ssed any more! Knowing what to say is a tricky one for me I find...I have been to hell (words can't describe) and back and I'm quite traumatised by the withdrawals of last year and the overall impact my drinking had on my life. I often find myself remembering things that are incredibly painful and it puts me in a very dark place and Lorian and I still struggle to talk about it. But I learnt that the ONLY way anyone gets out of that is will power and determination. And nothing I can say will instill that in you. No one can change this but you. However, I am of course availabe to listen and empathise and offer any suggestions that you might find helpful  I was incredibly lucky to have the support I had so hopefully I can offer some of that to you.

My sister is actually visiting this weekend. If she goes out and explores Cornwall with just her partner then I'll let you know, but otherwise, it would be best to wait until she's left on Monday.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

CHeers my lovely. I imagine I will spent most of the weekend tarting the place up and putting my beast slant on it. Topless posters from the 80s etc 

So in all seriousness Monday would be good to talk if not before


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> CHeers my lovely. I imagine I will spent most of the weekend tarting the place up and putting my beast slant on it. Topless posters from the 80s etc
> 
> So in all seriousness Monday would be good to talk if not before


Cool. I can in the day on Friday if that helps? My sister isn't around until the evening.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

I think I might be visiting a friend that day so will play it by ear. Have a few Hectic days coming up then a few days of nothingness!

Will be more settled after tonight hopefully when I have moved all my stuff!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Stuff moved and I love my new place. Was so relaxed last night that I actually didnt bother taking any valium. Still a few tiny bits to move but really happy with the new pad. Think its going to do wonders for my mood.

Managed a good shoulders and tris session this morning. Size is coming which is good but tendons are starting to ache as they normally do when I start to up the ante. So a few days rest is on the cards!

All good in Beast land for now! Only problem is my living room is far bigger than my old one so my telly is too small. Wonder where Dads credit card is!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

What an exhausting weekend with all the moving. Had an injured forearm which didn't help.

Might go back to gym tomorrow but might give the arm another day/ Loving the new pad. Got caned on Friday night in Stoke but been good since then so long may it continue. Training has been good but diet not as I have no food in new place and Tesco has not been open much lately.

Progress pic from other day at 19 stone. Flat and not eaten for a while


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Back to the gym today. Have a slight chest infection and a sore arm so took a break.

Nice back workout but felt a little weak. Probably as Ive not been eating right with the flat move but thats all sorted now and I have proper food so no more excuses.

Gonna have a dry weekend I think and try to get back into the swing of things. The new place has lifted my mood a lot. Feel better immediately upon waking and coming home in the evening to a nice clean place is just bliss. Something most people take for granted!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Back to the gym today. Have a slight chest infection and a sore arm so took a break.
> 
> Nice back workout but felt a little weak. Probably as Ive not been eating right with the flat move but thats all sorted now and I have proper food so no more excuses.
> 
> Gonna have a dry weekend I think and try to get back into the swing of things. The new place has lifted my mood a lot. Feel better immediately upon waking and coming home in the evening to a nice clean place is just bliss. Something most people take for granted!


Fantastic about the flat!! I'm all for the dry weekend! We didn't manage our phone chat did we! I was working til 9 on Monday and totally forgot. Sorry.

Have my addaction counsellor today (haven't seen him a month)...it always helps to talk through alcochol related stuff with him


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

To be honest I was so busy I spent all my spare time sleeping!

Maybe I could call you one night soon. Just let me know when is best. Im not a night owl without the aid of narcotics so evening is usually best!

I DNA'ed to my alcohol meeting last week as they swapped the day and they discharged me from the service! Took some serious persuasion to get back in. So I have another appointment but not for a few weeks. Not seen counsellor in ages now. I want the psychological element of the treatment quite badly as its something I have always believed will help me.


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> To be honest I was so busy I spent all my spare time sleeping!
> 
> Maybe I could call you one night soon. Just let me know when is best. Im not a night owl without the aid of narcotics so evening is usually best!
> 
> I DNA'ed to my alcohol meeting last week as they swapped the day and they discharged me from the service! Took some serious persuasion to get back in. So I have another appointment but not for a few weeks. Not seen counsellor in ages now. I want the psychological element of the treatment quite badly as its something I have always believed will help me.


Yeah certainly. Tuesday evening will be the best. I'm very busy this weekend and Monday with some wedding prep stuff in various towns. But on Tuesday all will be calm 

The counselling side is the only bit I utillise but the groups were really useful at the beginning. Not eveyrone sticks with it...my friend didn't. He comes round approximatly every 2 weeks but sometiems I dont' see him for weeks. He has been unreliable but I shared how I felt and that I felt let down and since then he's been really good. Despite his disorganisation, the value of the sessions are worth it. He's not a counsellor though...he's more a support worker I suppose with a little bit of training in counselling work. It's just helpful to talk things through with someone who's also beaten addiction. Once sober, there's lots of struggles and things to work through e.g. resentment from family, learning how to cope etc and he understands because he's been there.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Nothing of much note to report. Arm tendon is definitely close to going so having to be very careful. Had the injury for a long time so its either take it very easy or stop completely for a while which I don't want to do. Always happens when Im making progress.

Drinking has been down but drug taking has been high so not in a great place mentally but am getting my head straight today so hopefully I can manage a light week and try to kick start something

New flat is helping although it really needs a hoover and mine packed in!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Good news in that I managed a decent shoulder session yesterday and the tendon is no worse. Using voltoral intermittently which should help. Been god this week on the drink and drugs. Had 5 cans last night and a couple of valium but thats all I have had since last weekend which is good for me. The valiujm are becoming less effective I think so I reckon Im just going to save them for when Im coked up (although I hope that won't be as often going forward)

Took this pic yesterday. Think I am leaninig out a bit (apart from the gut area which is there to stay). Lifts are creaping up and diet is mainly good so Im expecting to keep seeing results if I can stay focused and injury free.

Photo taken yesterday


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Just took my BP after starting Ace inhibitors a few weeks ago and its definitely coming down despite using quite a lot of gear

Systolic in the high 130s

Diastolic in the high 70s

I know its still on the high side but given that Im on cycle and that my diastolic was in the 90s a few weeks ago I'm pleased


----------



## Loveleelady (Jan 3, 2012)

hey mr beast not chatted you in while photo looking good and seems you doin well?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Cheers hunni - Was wondering where you have been. Things are alright at the moment as I have no woman trouble. Had another one play me for a fool recently so that really is the last straw!

What you been up to? Keeping outta trouble I hope? PM me if you like sometime. Gotta shoot out shortly.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Well yesterday wasn't great. Had quite a lot of beers and a bit of coke but did manage to restrain myself to a degree which I am happy about. So not feeling too bad today, getting through my work etc. Have my alcohol specialist on Wednesday so will be good to get that back on track as its been ages since I last saw her. Im doing better than the last time she saw me which is a positive.

Really hope she has progressed my counselling thing as I was sort of discharged from the service for 1 DNA cos they swapped my day. Ridiculous to be honest. So I have not seen her for about 6 weeks now I reckon, maybe more.

No training today as I want to take it easy on the tendon as it was a bit sore after the office move but Im back to it tomorrow. Few of my mates have suggested crossfit which I am going to research. They are proper converts.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Decent sess at the gym today. Chest and biceps. Strength still creeping up which is really great but Im starting to bloat a bit as I dropped my tren dose, just waiting on more to get delivered.

Looking big in the mirror post workout which is good for the ego but am being careful as I am gaining either fat or water and can't risk it being lard.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Quick update. I've not died or anything. Had this awful virus which has literally wiped me out leaving me unable to train for almost a month. Think I am finally set to return tomorrow. Dropped over a stone in weight and don't feel great which is a shame as I was starting to see real results.

Detoxing again which is hard work. Getting counselling and trying group therapy. All very early days yet and already its killing me but I will soldier on.

Really just want to get back to the gym but have had no energy whatsoever so no point in going. Hopefully I will be okay tomorrow. Just had constant headaches and fatigue for ages now. Not sure what it is but not nice at all.

Anyway hopefully there will be some positive updates here soon, or pages of me complaining about DOMS for a few weeks


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Would you consider the idea that this virus was related to your drug and alcohol misuse? I used to often come down with viruses that completely floored me for about a week...in hindsightit was linked to alcohol misuse. I haven't once felt like that since getting sober which must me more than just cooincidence.

Sounds like you're still persuing support which is great to hear! I'm so so glad to hear that you're going to try group threapy. The groups really helped me during the first few months. It was a great start for me


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Absolutely not  In all seriousness though this was something else. I often do get sick after heavy sessions but this was a whole different ballgame!

Managed the gym today! Yee haa! Felt weak, sick and generally crap but at least its done. Its nice feeling so fresh on a Monday. Definitely going to try for another sober weekend. Next weekend will be tough as its a 3 dayer so will probably crack then! Just need to make sure I don't start on the Friday and go right through. Will try the group again this week. Its all very culty and god squad but worth a few more goes I think.


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Absolutely not  In all seriousness though this was something else. I often do get sick after heavy sessions but this was a whole different ballgame!
> 
> Managed the gym today! Yee haa! Felt weak, sick and generally crap but at least its done. Its nice feeling so fresh on a Monday. Definitely going to try for another sober weekend. Next weekend will be tough as its a 3 dayer so will probably crack then! Just need to make sure I don't start on the Friday and go right through. Will try the group again this week. Its all very culty and god squad but worth a few more goes I think.


Oh is it religious? I didn't find that with addaction but I avoided AA due to their focus on placing faith in something else e.g. a god, or something....I want/need to have faith in just myself.

You do seem to have given up before you've tried with these sober weekends. Before they even come round you've decided that you'll probably 'crack'. Do you know why that is?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Katy said:


> Oh is it religious? I didn't find that with addaction but I avoided AA due to their focus on placing faith in something else e.g. a god, or something....I want/need to have faith in just myself.
> 
> You do seem to have given up before you've tried with these sober weekends. Before they even come round you've decided that you'll probably 'crack'. Do you know why that is?


I didn't know about the religious aspect to it at all.

As for the cracking thing I guess Maureen will be able to tell me after a few sessions. Last weekend was okay but boring at times and I know i will struggle to have lots of weekends like that. Thats all there is to it really. Doesn't help that that the weather is improving.

Don't really know to be quite honest. Not big into god stuff but will try and keep an open mind.


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> I didn't know about the religious aspect to it at all.
> 
> As for the cracking thing I guess Maureen will be able to tell me after a few sessions. Last weekend was okay but boring at times and I know i will struggle to have lots of weekends like that. Thats all there is to it really. Doesn't help that that the weather is improving.
> 
> Don't really know to be quite honest. Not big into god stuff but will try and keep an open mind.


I only found the religious aspect to be with the AA groups so I stook with addaction instead.

Hopefully with support you'll find a way to be more optimistic and deteminred to manage sobriety at the weekends


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Another session down. Decent back session but keeping all exercises to 3 sets until I get through the first phase of DOMs. Don't want to be crippled.

Although I lost weight when ill my gut seems to be hugely inflated. Feel like I need to stick a pin in it!

Wish I could fast forward a few weeks til I am back training at full intensity. Don't like having to hold back


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Getting back in the grove. Done second shoulder and triceps session yesterday and its the dreaded first leg session today! Will try and hold back a bit so that I can walk tomorrow.

Done a bit of drinking at the weekend but managed to keep it semi sensible which Im happy enough about. Just going to try and drink little or nothing in the week.

Seem to going through a phase of eating lots of junk food again so need to address that shortly as I dont want to be any fatter when its summer. Maybe a diet required in the coming weeks


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Been really slack of late but managed 2 decent sessions today and yesterday. The binges on the weekends have been so brutal that its been Wednesday / Thursday before I feel human and am able to train!

Would like to take it easy this weekend but the weather makes it hard! Need to think about getting back to cardio and cutting back on the junk food. Letting myself go badly. Size and srength just drop off me so quickly when I dont train consistantly and its not just psychological either!


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

The Beast is back!!

Good to see you back mate. Still struggling with beer and beak? You'll beat it, don't give up.

I'm 3 weeks into a 7 week no-drinking phase. All good here.


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> Been really slack of late but managed 2 decent sessions today and yesterday. The binges on the weekends have been so brutal that its been Wednesday / Thursday before I feel human and am able to train!
> 
> *Would like to take it easy this weekend but the weather makes it hard!* Need to think about getting back to cardio and cutting back on the junk food. Letting myself go badly. Size and srength just drop off me so quickly when I dont train consistantly and its not just psychological either!


That sounds a bit defeatest to me. But glad you're still posting


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Huntingground said:


> The Beast is back!!
> 
> Good to see you back mate. Still struggling with beer and beak? You'll beat it, don't give up.
> 
> I'm 3 weeks into a 7 week no-drinking phase. All good here.


Howdee mate. Yep my drinking and snorting has reached fairly epic proportions! Boredom is such a factor for me. Nobody seems to be around at the weekends any more so asides from fannying around shopping cleaning etc on a Saturday I am at a totally loose end so normally end up in the pub!

Could be worse but I don't think the old ticker is liking it!

Well done on the 3 weeks!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Katy said:


> That sounds a bit defeatest to me. But glad you're still posting


A bit defeatist! Its totally defeatist. To be honest I can't really be ****d trying to give up at the minute. Would lose my mind with boredom so am just going to continue as I am and hope that something interesting happens!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> A bit defeatist! Its totally defeatist. To be honest I can't really be ****d trying to give up at the minute. Would lose my mind with boredom so am just going to continue as I am and hope that something interesting happens!


Well, I didn't want to be rude! But yeah, very defeatest  To be fair, I don't think people change their habits unless they really want to. If don't want to then you won't.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Pretty much. Whenever I have gone dry for periods the boredom drives me up the wall. I think I need a change of scenery and a large breasted girlfriend with not much between the ears!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:



> Pretty much. Whenever I have gone dry for periods the boredom drives me up the wall. I think I need a change of scenery and a large breasted girlfriend with not much between the ears!


I thought you moved property?


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Katy said:


> I thought you moved property?


I was thinking Liverpool in general. The new place is fine. Much better than where I was but its all getting a tad repetitive now. blitzing a fortune on drink and drugs at the moment. Would be cheaper to go on a holiday every weekend, seriously!


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Irish Beast said:


> Howdee mate. Yep my drinking and snorting has reached fairly epic proportions! Boredom is such a factor for me. Nobody seems to be around at the weekends any more so asides from fannying around shopping cleaning etc on a Saturday I am at a totally loose end so normally end up in the pub!
> 
> Could be worse but I don't think the old ticker is liking it!
> 
> Well done on the 3 weeks!


Get yourself down the gym at the weekend mate, go shopping for nice food and cook exotic meals etc. Just try to keep busy I suppose.


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Yeah that was the plan but I went for a pint after work on Friday and that was it til yesterday afternoon. Drinking and snorting constantly without a wink of sleep. Im surprised I dont feel horrendous today. Another weekend of spending around the £500 mark and having **** all to show for it. I get my food delivered on Saturdays now cos i can't be bothered hiking to tesco. Would love to eat out more but don't have anyone to eat out with as I have hardly any female friends!


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Irish Beast said:


> I was thinking Liverpool in general. The new place is fine. Much better than where I was but its all getting a tad repetitive now. blitzing a fortune on drink and drugs at the moment. Would be cheaper to go on a holiday every weekend, seriously!


Where would you prefer to live?



Irish Beast said:


> Yeah that was the plan but I went for a pint after work on Friday and that was it til yesterday afternoon. Drinking and snorting constantly without a wink of sleep. Im surprised I dont feel horrendous today. Another weekend of spending around the £500 mark and having **** all to show for it. I get my food delivered on Saturdays now cos i can't be bothered hiking to tesco. Would love to eat out more but don't have anyone to eat out with as I have hardly any female friends!


Maybe change that then and actually make the effort to go to Tesco? It seems that just one drink then is too much if it always sprials out of control?

God I wish had £500 spare at the weekend! Think what you could afford if you didn't spend it on booze and coke!

If being bored is what results in going on a bender for days then make sure you aren't bored! Everybody finds different things interesting...it's down to you to find something to occupy yourself.


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Irish Beast said:


> Yeah that was the plan but I went for a pint after work on Friday and that was it til yesterday afternoon. Drinking and snorting constantly without a wink of sleep. Im surprised I dont feel horrendous today. Another weekend of spending around the £500 mark and having **** all to show for it. I get my food delivered on Saturdays now cos i can't be bothered hiking to tesco. Would love to eat out more but don't have anyone to eat out with as I have hardly any female friends!


Get on POF then, that would keep you busy and fairly straight if you have to meet up with birds.


----------



## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

ALso, you know as well as I, there is no such thing as 1 pint for people like you and I. It is nothing or a full sesh, sad as that may be.


----------



## Hera (May 6, 2011)

Huntingground said:


> ALso, you know as well as I, there is no such thing as 1 pint for people like you and I. It is nothing or a full sesh, sad as that may be.


I was temptes to say that but feared sounding like a cliche. But yeah, it is the same old saying 'one is never enough, one is too many' etc


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Well managed the gym today which was a triumph as for the last few weeks its been Thursday before I have been physically able to go. Enjoying my sessions when I do go at the moment. Strength is crap but that's not surprising considering what I have been putting my body through lately.

Might try and stay for a little while. Need a weekend where I don't spend a bloody fortune on charlie. Looked at my bank statement for the last few weeks just then and it made pretty sickening reading. Have a load of bills that need paying so best get my priorities right. Easier said than done.

Been on tren a while now but will be coming off in about a week and just sticking to test only. The sweating is getting worse in the warm weather. I just like tren cos it dries me out. I will prob bloat from test alone. Prob gonna run 1G a week with letro and keep it simple.

Going to do a cardio session tomorrow for the first time in ages. Should be fun!


----------



## Irish Beast (Jun 16, 2009)

Dare I say it but I have finally regained some consistancy in my training and diet! Only for about 2 weeks but its a start. Only had 8 beers all of last weekend which was a major win given that the last 2 months have been brutal. Felt pretty good getting to the gym on a Monday morning.

Just trying to keep the diet in check now as Ive been a fiend on crisps and sweets of late. I think its because when my body is run down from drinking/drug use I just crave crap food and its hard to resist.

Enjoying the gym now although my old glute problem has recurred, just when I was about to start doing more cardio which is really annoying. Might be able to manage the cross trainer but I wouldn't bet on it.

Started some dbol the other day so have gained a lot of weight quickly, Luckily I don't look bloated in the face though which I am happy about but I can certainly feel the extra weight on myself when walking. I usually shoot up by about half a stone within a few days of use


----------

