# Terrible Jokes



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I'm sorry but I love a bad joke:

Heres one for today:

I was walking along the street when a man attacked me with a pint of milk and cheese and I thought, how dairy.


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## freddee (Mar 2, 2009)

No that was awful!

Just been sacked from my job as a lollipop man for stealing-they searched my locker, all the signs were there!


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## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me to do the splits. He said "how flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays"


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

yannyboy said:


> i phoned the local gym and i asked if they could teach me to do the splits. He said "how flexible are you?" i said "i can't make tuesdays"


"tumblweed blows past"

lol


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## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil? ......... Crematoriums


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## dave_c (Jul 31, 2011)

a man knocked on my door last night with a beard, we didn't hear him.

there was once a magic tractor, driving down a road, it turned into a field.

a man walks into a bar, he says ouch.

i can do this all day


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

dave_c said:


> a man knocked on my door last night with a beard, we didn't hear him.
> 
> There was once a magic tractor, driving down a road, it turned into a field.
> 
> ...


loooooooool


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

There was a man who sent twenty different puns to his mates in the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did!


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## dave_c (Jul 31, 2011)

Dorsey said:


> There was a man who sent twenty different puns to his mates in the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
> 
> No pun in ten did!


even by my standards, thats awful


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I have to agree, that was terrible but also brilliant at the same time haha


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

Ha, I know. I love it!! Dunno if any of you read my journal from last month when I went to that seafood disco... and pulled a mussel....


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

...then as I was leaving I saw two fish swim straight into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!


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## BurnsideNo1 (May 14, 2011)

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one egg says to the other I've got a huge crack, the other says stop teasing me I'm not hard yet!

(simple things, simple minds etc!)


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## mark_star1466868017 (Jul 14, 2011)

what colour is a belch?

burple


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

Called Howard Marks the other day but ended up getting his answering machine...if you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

...only wanted to tell him one of our best friends had drowned in a bowl of muesli just the day before. Apparently a strong currant pulled him in.


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## TheDeak (Jul 12, 2011)

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?... Tequila!!


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## dave_c (Jul 31, 2011)

Dorsey said:


> ...then as I was leaving I saw two fish swim straight into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!


that's bloody brilliant, it really shouldn't be, but it is, lol


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## BurnsideNo1 (May 14, 2011)

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'


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## TheDeak (Jul 12, 2011)

Why is 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 ate 9 and 10...


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

dave_c said:


> that's bloody brilliant, it really shouldn't be, but it is, lol


I know, I was pissing myself at that too!! The worst are always by far the best. I'll leave you all with this one till later:

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He couldn't get his [*bleep*] out the chicken!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Dorsey said:


> Called Howard Marks the other day but ended up getting his answering machine...if you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...


hahaha  awesomely bad but good


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

TheDeak said:


> Why is 6 scared of 7?
> 
> Because 7 ate 9 and 10...


Hahaha!! I love this one!!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Somebody was telling me earlier about the Mayan Calendar and an event predicted to happen on the 21st of

December 2012, but I can't remember what it was.

Oh well, it's not the end of the world.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

My mate was telling me how he stumbled into an orgy the other night. He said, "First I shagged the ugliest bird there, then worked my way down to the hottest."

I said, "Mate...that's bang out of order."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Wot did the 0 say 2 the 8 ... Thats a nice belt u got there! =)


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Just see this bad joke lol

Cheese sandwich wlks in2 a bar n asks 4a pint ... Barman says sorry m8 dnt serve food in ere!!


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## Ftblk36 (Mar 7, 2009)

My next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line! ........................I nearly sh*t her pants!!


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## Chrissy....... (Nov 25, 2013)

Guy arrives at the fancy dress just in his y fronts,

doorman says you cant come in its fancy dress'

guy argues i am in fancy dress,Im an orgasm.

Doorman says how do you get that.

guy replies, cos ive just come in my pants.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

someone has just thrown a lump of cheese at me! I thought to myself that's not very mature!!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I found my girlfriend dead the other day.She jusy lay there lifeless so i decided to **** her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and and shouted BOO!... Some people are sick in the head


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I found my girlfriend dead the other day.She jusy lay there lifeless so i decided to f_ck her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and and shouted BOO!... Some people are sick in the head


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

The Trixsta said:


> Wot did the 0 say 2 the 8 ... Thats a nice belt u got there! =)


It's taken me almost 24 hrs to get that! Oh dear...


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## dave_c (Jul 31, 2011)

Dorsey said:


> It's taken me almost 24 hrs to get that! Oh dear...


gotta admit, the cogs are still going for me

edit: my GF got it straight away.......damn, someone get me a cuppa.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Dorsey said:


> It's taken me almost 24 hrs to get that! Oh dear...


I actually didn't get it until the missus pointed it out to me that the 8 is 2 zeros but with a belt, something like that :/ lol


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## Neil R (Oct 29, 2006)

Its believed that gaddafi may have slipped into jordan. Has that women got no ****ing shame


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## Neil R (Oct 29, 2006)

Was out walking with the wife this morning

She suddenly stopped and removed her shoe complaining about a stone in it

I replied 'there's about 20 stone in the other so keep ****ing walking fatty !!!


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## Neil R (Oct 29, 2006)

i shagged this bird with eczema ........ she had cracking tits


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## Neil R (Oct 29, 2006)

i went up to a woman in a bar and said your like my wee toe she replied is that because i'm petite and cute i said naw am gonny end up bangin you on the coffee table


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## Neil R (Oct 29, 2006)

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung the door open and said "tell me honestly, am I too fat for this?"

To which I replied "yes, but don't feel bad, it's quite a small bathroom."


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## Neil R (Oct 29, 2006)

I had a brand new electronic garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice.

To be honest I haven't seen the fcuking thing shut yet.


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

Neil R said:


> Was out walking with the wife this morning
> 
> She suddenly stopped and removed her shoe complaining about a stone in it
> 
> I replied 'there's about 20 stone in the other so keep ****ing walking fatty !!!


Fcukin class, you know i'll be pulling that one on the queer one tomorrow!!


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

My girlfriend called me a pervert!

I said to her "that's a big word for a nine year old"

...sooooooooooo wrong...........


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, I can't believe they ****ed my wife after only five cans!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man,

on the womans nightstand. he nervously asks,'Is this your husband?'No, silly,' she replies, 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, Is it your your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear. 'That's me before the surgery.' ...lol


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## AChappell (Jun 1, 2011)

Some down right awful gags, I love it.

My next door neighbor accused me of stealing washing off her line and said she was going to call the police. I was so scared I almost s*** her nickers.


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## Chrissy....... (Nov 25, 2013)

After making love to the wife, I told her you remind me of the lottery. She gazed up and said, is that because you think Im worth millions. I said no i wish Youd ****ing roll over.


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## doggy (Mar 26, 2011)

did you hear about the ballerina that done the splits with no pants on? she couldnt get back up.


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## BurnsideNo1 (May 14, 2011)

I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night "You're a big lass, aren't you?", "Tell me something I don't know" she replied with a tear in her eye................... "Salad tastes nice!"


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## doggy (Mar 26, 2011)

dera deidre........... i wasw watching my neighbours daughter sunbathing topless from my window. i was having a wank and i noticed my wife watching me with her arms folded....... is she a pervert?


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## doggy (Mar 26, 2011)

im going to a charity disco next week in aid of women with no legs, the place should be crawling with fanny.


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## doggy (Mar 26, 2011)

well thats the last time i use a sean connery accent to tell my with to sit on m y face.


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

doggy said:


> well thats the last time i use a sean connery accent to tell my with to sit on m y face.


Huh, what's wrong with that?!:becky:


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Dorsey said:


> Huh, what's wrong with that?!:becky:


Thats just too wrong lol


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

I'd take that over checking MC at half eleven on a Sat night!!!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Dorsey said:


> I'd take that over checking MC at half eleven on a Sat night!!!


Haha!! True True


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## Ftblk36 (Mar 7, 2009)

I walked into my Nan's bedroom and caught her sucking my Grandad's c**k. I said "that's disgusting". She said "It's perfectly normal." I said, "no it's wrong, you should have had it cremated along with the rest of him."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I just saw the emergency services brushing the remains of a female victim of a household gas explosion into a neat little pile on the pavement.

I must admit....she looked bang tidy.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I saw a man walking down the street and his hood on his coat was jumping up and down. Passers by were throwing money in it, and i asked him if he ever thought of getting rid of it. He said "no...I couldn't be without it, its my livelyhood"


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had! So, for a laugh, I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a **** on his face. My sister went mental when she looked in the cot !!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

just spent the night in a police cell for posting about my car accident on facebook. it seems like there are better choices of words than "LOL, i just ****ed a 13 year old escort"


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park.

She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.

"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those pounds before you know it."

"My ****ing scarf's trapped in the door, you ****," she replied.


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## stitch (Sep 14, 2011)

I was at the local pond with my nephew,when I caught one of them little swimming lizard things............ I called him tiny cause he's my newt.


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## Chrissy....... (Nov 25, 2013)

A slapper once asked me to give her twelve inches and make her bleed, so i ****ed her three times then punched her in the mooth.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

stitch said:


> I was at the local pond with my nephew,when I caught one of them little swimming lizard things............ I called him tiny cause he's my newt.


This is a real TERRIBLE joke hahaha


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## flint (Feb 18, 2008)

whats a definition of a drawing pin? a smartie with a hard on .


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## diggersjohn33 (Sep 16, 2011)

The Trixsta said:


> I'm sorry but I love a bad joke:
> 
> Heres one for today:
> 
> I was walking along the street when a man attacked me with a pint of milk and cheese and I thought, how dairy.


The worst jokes are the best ones!


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Dorsey said:


> A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


Brilliant!! Hahahaha!!


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

What do you call a pakistani with a rash on his head?

Rasheed!


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## Ftblk36 (Mar 7, 2009)

Man goes into Marks and Spencers to buy his wife a maternity bra. Shop assistant asks, "What bust?" Man says, "the f*cking condom"!!!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

The Mrs. aked me, "when you're on a boys trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently "only to stop myself coming to quickly" wasn't the right answer!


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## flint (Feb 18, 2008)

paddy and murphy walking down the street together, a big huge gang of hoodies come towards them,. "give us yer money" they demand, and one thing leads to another, ends up in a massive scrap with paddy n murphy getting a good hiding after half killing the group of thugs. things suddenly come to a halt when the gang leader pulls a knife on the two irishmen, saying " fack me you put up a fight for £5.50!" paddy quickly replies "its the £50 in my sock i was fighting over".


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

My boss was mocking my attempt to grow a moustache.

He said, "Your mouth looks like my wife's **** after she's forgotten to shave."

I looked in the mirror and replied, "Yeah You're right, it does."


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## roadrunner11466868009 (Mar 28, 2011)

Well guy's thanks for an evenings entertainment.

It's the 1st time i've seen this thread.

I've necked a bottle of wine all to myself and cant stop laughing at these jokes. More please.


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## eglwys (Aug 28, 2011)

I said to the wife the other day "I'm Home Sick" She Said "you are home" I said " I know i'm sick of it"


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## roadrunner11466868009 (Mar 28, 2011)

:clap2::clap2::clap2: my thoughts exactly


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## Chrissy....... (Nov 25, 2013)

I told the wife to pack the cases, ive won the lottery. She said oh where are we going. I said im going nowhere you can **** off to your mothers.


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook!


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? Because women wouldn't do them if they were called c*nt scrapes!


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## Ftblk36 (Mar 7, 2009)

Dorsey said:


> Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? Because women wouldn't do them if they were called c*nt scrapes!


Rank Dorsey, it's good being a bloke though:clap2:


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## Ftblk36 (Mar 7, 2009)

My wife was trying on a new dress, "Does my arse look big in this?" she asked. I walked out of the bedroom, went down the stairs, out the front door and walked to the top of the street...................................

called her on her mobile, "Not from here it doesn't"


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## Ftblk36 (Mar 7, 2009)

I was shagging my secretary up the a*se when my wife walked in. "You can't do this to me!" she screamed. "I know, that's why I'm doing it to her ya daft cow!"


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## Ftblk36 (Mar 7, 2009)

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog sh*t.

A minute later some guy did exactly the same thing.

I said to him, "I just did that."

So he punched me in the face a called me a dirty b*stard!!


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## Ftblk36 (Mar 7, 2009)

The guy from over the road was talking to me earlier, "My wifes been sleeping with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly b*stard I see outside your house every morning?"

"Yes" he laughed cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?".......


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## Ftblk36 (Mar 7, 2009)

Dorsey said:


> What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook!


I fear Dorsey we may have to have you sectioned at some point mate!!


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## get2thegym (Oct 6, 2011)

terrible jokes ive heard...

a man walks around making a circular motion with his hand and making snarling noises, when ask what it was the man replied a vicious circle.

Three blondes walk into a building.

You'd think one of them would've seen it.

A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what

he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter."

She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realising that there is no one else worth

talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?" He

says, "Yes! I'll show you..."

So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back

into the window. She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again!"

So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes

back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter. So the bloke says to the bartender,

"Give her a pint of what I'm having."

She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and

dies.

The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're pissed."


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## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

Michael Jackson trial....

Dr Conrad Murray has told the court about Jackson's dramatic weight loss.... "Michael had got so thin that although his pyjama tops were still adult size, he could still squeeze himself into children's bottoms."


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## Tallgirl (Sep 23, 2011)

Love it... thats now on my Face book Status! xx


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## EXTREME (Aug 5, 2005)

What's red and invisible? No Tomatos.


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## Chrissy....... (Nov 25, 2013)

Paddy comes home from work to find his wife has the washing mashine propped up on one side with two bricks.he enquires, jeesis woman wtf you doing.She replies a 30degree wash u stupid bastard.


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## OUTCOLDFIGHTCLUB (Jan 22, 2010)

Bought a new sponge front door yesterday......hey, you can't knock it.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Guy and a girl meet at a pub, they return to his house and he sticks his head between her legs and instantly turns green! He jumps up gagging and say's "I can't do it, it smells horrific down there" She replies "I'm sorry it must be my Arthritis!" He Replies "WTF Arthritis?" She says"yeah I got it in my shoulders and I can't wipe my arse!"


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## OUTCOLDFIGHTCLUB (Jan 22, 2010)

That was terrible in an entirely different context......

For the absolute best, truly awful, terrible jokes you cannot beat Tim Vine.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Perhaps I should of entitled the thread with "Terrible/Completely Wrong Jokes" lol


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## get2thegym (Oct 6, 2011)

my bottom of the barrell crap jokes now then

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

'Well, I was playing golf with my wife. I'd been having a great game but unfortunately she wasn't. On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot, 270 metres straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out of bounds. We both went looking for the ball and just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cows behind, just under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure, and then called to my wife saying, 'here, honey, this looks like yours.' That's the last thing I remember

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of your car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you

What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?

Drizzle

Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?

Michael Jackson

What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead Beatles

sorry about last one lol


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I was stumbling down the road after a skinful after work when a police car pulled up beside me.

"What are you up to?" asked the policeman.

"I'm off to the Paki shop to abuse the **** and give him a slap," I slurred.

"Talk like that gets you a ride in this cop car lad. So get in the back now... he shuts in five minutes and you won't make it on time on foot".

I was feeling horny so I rang up a bird I know for a bit of phone sex.

As she answered I said, "Tell me you're not wearing any knickers."

She said, "I actually am not wearing any knickers."

I said, "Mmm yeah, tell me what you're doing."

She replied, "Just having a s**t."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

What's the difference between Tango and Rohypnol?

You know when you've been Tango'd.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I got absolutely s**t-faced last night.....

I'm never putting my head in a toilet ever again.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique.....Just like everyone else.


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## BurnsideNo1 (May 14, 2011)

My mate told me he cries after sex...........not surprised really, he's in prison!


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## jakal2001 (Dec 18, 2010)

Superman flying through metropolis one evening feeling horny and in the mood for some action, when he flies past wonder woman, naked, legs wide open - looked damn hot!! Superman thought f*ck yea!! imma go in shag her at the speed of light and no one will know i was even there...

So he goes in, super f*cks her at the speed of light and flies off thinkin 'who da man who da SUPERMAN YEAAA'..

Meanwhile.. wonder woman goes WTF was that... the invisible man on top of her '' i dont know but it hurt like a MOFO !!''

Think i saw it in a movie once.. lol


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

My mate and I are moving in to a tree-house together.

I hope we don't fall out.


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## Neil R (Oct 29, 2006)

A man gets home from working a nightshift & decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex. He climbs under the bottom of the duvet gently spreads her legs & licks her pussy till she quivers & cums over his face. He go's to the bathroom to clean up & finds his wife in there shaving her legs "WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING IN HERE HE YELL'S, shh says his wife "you'll wake your mother"


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## Neil R (Oct 29, 2006)

man gets up one morning to find his wife cooking.He looks in the pan and sees one of his socks. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Exactly what you asked me to do when you came to bed drunk last night"! Puzzled the man walks away thinking to himself, 'I don't remember asking her to cook my sock?'


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## Neil R (Oct 29, 2006)

Bloke in hospital with 70% burns, Dr says 'give him 3 Viagra'. Nurse asks 'do u think that'll help?', Dr replies 'no but it'll keep the sheets off his legs!!


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## Ftblk36 (Mar 7, 2009)

Neil R said:


> A man gets home from working a nightshift & decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex. He climbs under the bottom of the duvet gently spreads her legs & licks her pussy till she quivers & cums over his face. He go's to the bathroom to clean up & finds his wife in there shaving her legs "WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING IN HERE HE YELL'S, shh says his wife "you'll wake your mother"


That has to go down as one of the most disturbing things I've ever read, Thanks Neil.......ooohh the horrible images that produced, shudder..............LOL


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

"Momma, Momma, can I have a spoon please?"

"Yes, son, but why?"

"Little sister just puked, and little brother is getting all the big pieces!"


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## Chrissy....... (Nov 25, 2013)

Have you noticed all the sexy young birds going about in thier little sports cars and cabriolets, thats just reminded me ive got to tax the wives transit van.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I was chatting up a Pikey bird in the pub last night, when she asked if I'd like to go back to her place and have a good time. She wasn't ****ing kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even come home with a goldfish!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

My wife turned to me in bed last night.

"Are you awake?" she whispered. "I can't sleep."

"Me neither," I whispered back.

"Well seeing as you can't sleep," she giggled, rubbing my thigh. "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Yes please," I replied. "Shut the **** up!"


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

When do you know you've had enough to drink?

When your wife becomes sexy


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

A friend of mine lost his ears in an industrial accident and he was feeling really down. So I said "Looking on the bright side mate at least your eyesight has improved"

Confused he said "What makes you say that?"

To which I replied "Well your not wearing your glasses anymore" lol


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

My mate said to me "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back",

I said "What do expect, You're in a wheelchair you cu-nt!"


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Mr and Mrs Blobby are in bed, Mrs Blobby says "blib blob bobble blub bibbly bob blubbly blib!" Mr Blobby says "for Christ's sake just swallow it!


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Getting ****ed off with my pet lizard that keeps getting out his cage every time he hears culture club

I have to keep shouting come here come here come here chameleon


----------



## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

The Trixsta said:


> Getting ****ed off with my pet lizard that keeps getting out his cage every time he hears culture club
> 
> I have to keep shouting come here come here come here chameleon


Oh dear........ :help:


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Dorsey said:


> Oh dear........ :help:


I know, this has got to be one of the worst to date haha


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

‎4 immigrants were found suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night!

Every little helps!


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

As the midwife walked me into the delivery suite she said, "You best hurry, you don't want to miss it."I was stood there at the end of the bed for over an hour, bent over, staring at her fanny, when the midwife said, "Right, it's time for your wife to start pushing."I said, "Okay, see you later then."She said, "You can't leave your wife on her own."I said, "I know, my wife is in the room next door." lol


----------



## Loz1466868022 (Oct 12, 2011)

Had a Date last night with a girl with bad exzma .she had crackin pair of tits.


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

lozza said:


> had a date last night with a girl with bad exzma .she had crackin pair of tits.


lol hahaha


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Just got in and found my wife dead....So I decided to have sex with her one last time......Suddenly she opened her eyes and said "BOO!"

Honestly some people are just ****ing sick in the head !!


----------



## Big Bill Cannon (Sep 22, 2011)

Stop me if you've heard this one before, here goes. There's a Frenchman, Italian and Irishman all sitting around a table in a bar discussing what they do after sex, the Italian is first: After a make-a de sex with-a ma waf a give her the old Leecky Leecky and-a she floats 3 inches above-a the bed. Frenchy is next: Zat iz nuzing, afteur a av ze zex wiz me wife, I finguer her and she fluerts 6 inchas above ze bed. Paddies go: Dat's nutin aftour oi shag me missus oi wark over tew de window and woipe me narb on the curtains and she hits the fecking roof !

:eyebrows:


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

How do you know that your bodybuilding girlfriend is on steroids? She comes home from the pub, kicks in the front door, breaks through the bed room door, rips your clothes off and rams her clit up your arse!


----------



## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

Ha, funny! Love it when you quickly pop your head in Trix!


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

LOL Always here mate, having a read of this and that, great Idea on your FFF Award, funny stuff haha.

Didn't know whether to participate as I'm not currently training so already a little out of shape, might have an unfair advantage, I'm known for easily being able to put on weight lol quickly


----------



## Gomera (Dec 19, 2011)

That was weird..


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

What do you call Postman Pat without a Job?

Pat

Hahahaha


----------



## garathnormanmtts (Jul 15, 2011)

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Answer: because he had no guts.


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

After nearly breaking my neck on a pair of bright pink roller-skates on the stairs, I shouted at my son, "Are these yours?!"He said, "Well, obviously they're not mine.""Oh yeah, of course they aren't," I replied. Then laughed at him in his little wheelchair.


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

paddy gets home to find his wife naked on the

bed, sweating & panting. 'What's up?' he says.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.

He rushes to the phone, but his 4 yr old son

says,`Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe

& he's naked! The guy storms & rips open the wardrobe door. 'You ****,' 'my wife's having a

heart attack and you're running around with no

clothes on scaring the kids!


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

Police have raided Kermit the Frog's lily pad today and found hundreds of naked pictures of Miss Piggy. A spokesman said it was the worst case of Frogs Porn they have ever seen.

Policeman stops drunk driver and asks him to take a breath test. Driver pulls out an NHS card "This man is asthmatic please don't take his breath". Policeman asks him to take blood test. Driver pulls out another NHS card "This man is anaemic, please dont

take his blood". Policeman asks him to take a urine test. Driver pulls out a third NHS card which read "This man is a Rangers season ticket holder, please don't take the piss"


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

Teacher asks 3 of her pupils, to make a sentence with one of these 3 words! Dependable, Honest, and Honour. Ist child says ''my daddy lifts me from school everyday, he is very dependable''. 2nd child says ''a lady left her purse on the bus, & my dad give it back to her, she said he was very honest''. 3rd child says "our next door neighbour is fit, she has big tits, & my da says she has some hole honour''.


----------



## Phenix (May 12, 2012)

did not like the rangers one he he lol


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

I went to the pub last night and there was this fat girl dancing on a table... I walked passed and said.. "****ing amazing legs"...the girl giggled and said with a smile... "Do you really think so"... I said "definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"!!


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Went to a pet shop today. I said to the man behind the counter 'Can I have a wasp please?' He replied 'We don't sell wasps' so I replied 'You've got one in your window'

haaaa!!


----------



## franki3 (Oct 11, 2009)

I love the amount of sex I'm gettin with all the women at work.....

In fact its one of the main reasons I became an undertaker in the first place.


----------



## franki3 (Oct 11, 2009)

man brings home a cock sucking frog,..wife says wot the **** am i gonna do with that, man replies teach it to cook then **** off...lol


----------



## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

franki3 said:


> I love the amount of sex I'm gettin with all the women at work.....
> 
> In fact its one of the main reasons I became an undertaker in the first place.


That is a bad one Frankieboy ound:


----------



## Guest (Apr 1, 2012)

yannyboy said:


> That is a bad one Frankieboy ound:


oh no thats just wrong lol


----------



## Guest (Apr 1, 2012)

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm ... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate.

"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?"

To which the wife replied, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"


----------



## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.


----------



## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

I took a girl home after clubbing last night. After a few drinks at mine, we went upstairs & while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said "I hope thats not that ugly one from last week". The girl said "What the hell was that?" I said "Its that fecking memory foam mattress."


----------



## franki3 (Oct 11, 2009)

For years I thought my wife had tourettes. But apparently I am a cnut and she really does want me to Fukc off........


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

My wife had a job interview for a camera store the other day.Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, and so she said "please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, You're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash..."So I punched her in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture..


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL!! Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. ... The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she... ............was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates...


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

I walked by a rangers fan in the west end of Glasgow with one shoe on.

I smirked and said "Lost a shoe ya manky bastard?"

he said "No, I found one" !


----------



## saorsa (Feb 4, 2012)

Man goes to the doctors and says " Ive been shagging the wife for 10 years now and she's getting a bit loose. Can you suggest anything to tighten her up a bit ?"

Doctor says " Well this is a bit of a taboo subject, but have you tried going up the other hole?

The man replies " WHAT ? and risk getting her pregnant?!! "


----------



## saorsa (Feb 4, 2012)

The Scottish Three Kick Rule

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in England, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, old man, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"


----------



## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

^^^very good, lol


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

Fookin cracker ^^^ still laughing my balls off class .


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

I met a beautiful girl from Thailand and asked her to move in with me. She's perfect, and so thoughtful, she always leaves the toilet seat up for me


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

I went for a Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter. He told me he was a kamikaze pilot during the war and his codename was Chowmein. I said "Correct me if I'm wrong but weren't you kamikaze pilots supposed to sacrifice your lives for your country?" He said "yeah, but I was Chicken Chowmein!


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

Martin asks his new girlfriend for a wank. She says, "I've never done that before, what do I do?" He says, "Remember when you were a kid, you would shake a coke bottle & spray your brother with it, that's what you do."

She nods.

So he pulls it out & she grabs hold of it & starts shaking it.

10 mins later he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears.

She says,"What's wrong?"

He cries,"Take your ****ing thumb off"


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

Paddy and a woman start kissing on a sofa.After a while she says,"let's take this upstairs!" Paddy says,"Ok,you grab one end,I'll get the other."


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

I can't stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.... My mate Derek is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs.... Does he make a song and dance about it... Does he ****!


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

McGinty walked into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it ?"

McGinty explained, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"

Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

He smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast!"


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

A muslim was sitting next to paddy on a plane.paddy orders a whiskey...the stewardess asks the muslim if he'd like a drink.muslim replies in disgust 'id rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips'. paddy hands his drink back and says 'me too,i didnt know we had a choice!'


----------



## saorsa (Feb 4, 2012)

Woman sees sign outside a pet shop - Fanny Licking Frog £50.

She goes into the pet shop and says to the man behind the counter " I'd like to see the fanny licking frog."

Man replies "Bonjour."


----------



## saorsa (Feb 4, 2012)

Man lying in bed with his new Thai wife...she keeps stroking his cock.

Man says "do you like my cock that much?"

She replies "no I just miss mine."


----------



## Guest (Apr 2, 2012)

Answer phone message:

"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key"


----------



## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis and a brain?"


----------



## Guest (Apr 2, 2012)

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.


----------



## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

A Husband said to his wife One day "I don't know how you can be so stupid & so beautiful all at the same time ,"

The wife responded ," Allow me to explain ,God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me ; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !"


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

Paddy wins a load of money on the pools. He asks his mate Murphy if he fancies going on the piss in London with him.

Well they arrive in London at this huge hotel. They're put up on the 10th floor. Off they trot on the piss and get back to the hotel about 2 o'clock in the morning. Paddy decides he wants to go for a swim.

Murphy is a bit miffed and asks "where the bloody hell can you go swimming at this time"

Paddy says " We can go in the Thames in our skiddies (underpants)"

Paddy then looks out onto his balcony and sees it's been raining; looking down at the shimmering road he shouts to Murphy "Oi -- the Thames is down here -- look!!!"

At that Murphy rips his clothes off revealing his Y-fronts sprints onto the balcony and dives off. SPLAT!! Straight into the road below.

After about five minutes he manages to pick himself up and shouts up to Paddy who's about to dive off the balcony. "Move over to the left a bit, this is the shallow end 'ere!!!"


----------



## saorsa (Feb 4, 2012)

Man sits next to a guy with a dog on a plane and asks him: " Is he a guide dog?"

No Im a drug's officer, he's a sniffer dog. Watch this and says to the dog "Search"

The dog goes off, comes back and puts one paw on his lap...."Heroin" the guy says and makes a note of the passanger.

The dog goes off and comes back again and puts 2 paws on his lap..."Coke" the guy says.

Again the dog goes off and then comes back again and shits all over the seat. "What's that then the first guy asks?"

Guy replies "He's found a ****ing bomb."


----------



## saorsa (Feb 4, 2012)

Two Mexicans lost in the desert, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon, smoked, crispy juicy bacon....."Hey Pepe" says the first "ees a bacon tree, we're saved!" then runs to the tree, as he gets within 5 feet of it, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

Second Mexican shouts "Pepe what happened?"

With his last breath Pepe shouts "run amigo, ees not a bacon tree...ees a ham bush."


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

^^^^ Hehehehehehehehe cracker


----------



## saorsa (Feb 4, 2012)

A man is queueing at the 5 items or less checkout. The girl in front turns round and looks into his basket. He has a 4 pack of lager and an Indian meal for one. She smiles at him. He looks into her basket and sees a half bottle of wine and a chinese meal for one. He says to her "you're single are'nt you." She gives a girly giggle and says "yes, how did you know?"

The man replies " Coz your an ugly bastard."


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

A man goes into a public toilet and sees a notice on the door saying, 'Beware Homosexuals.'

He then sees another notice on the toilet mirror saying, 'Beware Homosexuals.'

He then sees writing on the skirting board and bends down to read it. It said, 'You were warned twice.'!


----------



## Ben_Dover (Apr 12, 2012)

Man goes into a butchers and says "hey mate, I bet you £200 you can't reach that bit of rump on the top shelf"

Butcher says "no way, the steaks are too high" !


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

^^^**Vg bj vg


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjob's.

1 % liked warmth

2 % liked sensation.

3 % liked eroticism.

94 % just liked the peace and quiet.


----------



## saorsa (Feb 4, 2012)

Man wakes up to see his girlfriend cooking.

He looks in the pan and see one of his socks, "What are you doing he asks?"

She replies " exactly what you asked me to do when you came to bed drunk last night"

Puzzled the man walks away thinking to himself " I don't remember asking her to cook my sock?"


----------



## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

The americans have asked if they can put the queens head on the back of the doller bil as amark of respect 4 the queens jubilee in 2012. Her majesty has agreed on condition we can put president obamas picture back on our marmalade jars



I asked my wife, "Fancy a **** tonight ?"

My wife replied, "In your dreams."

I said, "Are you having a laugh ?................... In my dreams I **** your sister."
​


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

A young teenage Irish girl says to her mum, "Oh, no. I'm pregnant."

Mum says, "I told you that if a boy touches your titties, you shout Don't. And if he touches your minge, you shout Stop."

Girl says, "But, Mum. He touched both at the same time and i shouted, DON'T STOP."


----------



## saorsa (Feb 4, 2012)

Man goes to doctors for a cock extension.

Doc suggests baby elephant's trunk stitched on for £3000.

The man agrees.

Six weeks later while having dinner with his new woman, he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night.

While having dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off a nearby table and goes back in.

Wow the woman says "can you do that again?".

He says "my cock can but I don't think my arse can take another apple."


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

Paddy asked his girlfriend for a clue as to what he was getting for his birthday .

She winked at him and said, 'It starts with F and ends in UCK'.

"Oh my god" said Paddy "I'm getting a Firetruck !"


----------



## franki3 (Oct 11, 2009)

My girlfriend did a pregnancy test this morning and my worst fears were confirmed...she's just a fat **** !!


----------



## franki3 (Oct 11, 2009)

I pulled a 60 year old last night. When i went down on her i got my tongue caught on her clit piercing. I didn't know what to do, i was in a right old flap!


----------



## Chrissy....... (Nov 25, 2013)

Did anyone see the documentary about glutes(backsides) the other night. It was in two parts but dont worry if you missed it theyre showing the hole of it next week.


----------



## franki3 (Oct 11, 2009)

A Vicar books into a travel lodge and says to the receptionist "I hope the porn Channel is disabled" she replies "No its ordinary porn you sick ba5tard'!


----------



## franki3 (Oct 11, 2009)

Man comes home & catches his mate shagging his wife, so he stabs him to death...

His missus says "fukcing carry on like that, you won't have any mates left"!!!


----------



## Sirico (Mar 23, 2012)

I was at the gym today and found a hole in one of my trainers I could fit 2 fingers in.

Long story short, I got banned from the gym.


----------



## doggy (Mar 26, 2011)

Sirico said:


> I was at the gym today and found a hole in one of my trainers I could fit 2 fingers in.
> 
> Long story short, I got banned from the gym.


he must have a big anus. i hope you washed your hands before lunch.


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

Have a good read at this if u can make it out funny


----------



## Christo23 (May 12, 2012)

Haha love that very fonejacker!


----------



## franki3 (Oct 11, 2009)

I was at a party the other night with my wife.She said, "Look at that guy drinking and dancing."I said, "Who is he?","38 years ago he proposed to me," she added. "...And I rejected him!" I said, "fukcing hell ,he's still celebrating."


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

My wife ran into the house, "Guess what, I got a new job down the street corner." "What!" I replied. "It better not be what I think it is!" "No, no," she said reassuring me. "I know you hate Paki shops, I'm just a prostitute."


----------



## franki3 (Oct 11, 2009)

Injury lawyers 4u are sh1t! when our neighbour's 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing our fence, they told me to take a photo of her gash. Guess who's in court tomorrow?


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

A man who took Ryanair to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.


----------



## steve1 (Jan 31, 2012)

The Trixsta said:


> The americans have asked if they can put the queens head on the back of the doller bil as amark of respect 4 the queens jubilee in 2012. Her majesty has agreed on condition we can put president obamas picture back on our marmalade jars.
> 
> Brilliant..........had me in stitches


----------



## steve1 (Jan 31, 2012)

Paddy is flying Concorde. He's talking to the tower and is asked for his height and position. Paddy answers" I'm 5 foot 6inches and up the front of the plane........


----------



## Neil R (Oct 29, 2006)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad

breath.

This made him a

supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!!!!!!!!!! :lol:


----------



## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

Oh deary me....


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

What do u call a scottish/ pakistani drug addict?

Amaf Maheed!


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

Paddy and Mick get a new job together, IRA assassins.

They are stood outside Buckingham Palace on a cold winters day waiting to do their first hit on the Queen.

Mick says, "We shouldn't be doing this Paddy, it's treason!"

Paddy replies, "I know Mick,I've got two coats on and I'm still cold."


----------



## Christo23 (May 12, 2012)

What do u call a lady with one leg? Eileen


----------



## Johnnystone (Jul 23, 2010)

What do you call a chinese man with a metal bar sticking out of his head. Ray Ling


----------



## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''


----------



## Johnnystone (Jul 23, 2010)

Johnystone said:


> What do you call a chinese man with a metal bar sticking out of his head. Ray Ling


What do you call his wife, the chinese post lady..... May ling....


----------



## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.


----------



## Christo23 (May 12, 2012)

Why hasn't Stevie wonder wrote a hit for years? He dropped his pen


----------



## Christo23 (May 12, 2012)

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign

Cheese sandwich 1.50

Chicken sandwich 2.50

Hand job 10 pound

'Are you the one who gives the hand jobs' he asks the sexy barmaid

'yesss i am' she purrs

"well wash ya fooorking hands I want a cheese sandwich"


----------



## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

My mate died in a betting shop, Crushed by a rack of betting slips..The odds were stacked against him.


----------



## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

Probably odds on!


----------



## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

Joan.Mc said:


> dinny ken im not a gambler lol


Very good, lol


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## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

Joan.Mc said:


> im not .. see u ya bam, last bet i put on was on the national this year and many moons ago before then


Sorry, I know you're not a gambler, lol


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## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

Joan.Mc said:


> just on the lotto like once blue moon, waiste of time lol


My father used to gamble every single day on the GG's, turned me off of it for life!


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## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

Joan.Mc said:


> Not a good thing as they say worse than a big drinker...Cause u can only drink so much, but u can gamble ur total life and everything away..in a night


He drank every day as well, lmao


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## gi jane (Mar 1, 2012)

Joan.Mc said:


> A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you." hehe


Hi Joan I don't get it lol


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## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

gi jane said:


> Hi Joan I don't get it lol


It's trying to imply all women are better off without a man, lol


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## yannyboy (Jun 20, 2009)

Joan.Mc said:


> totaly lmfao .. well sort of pmsl


Fair enough, lol


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## gi jane (Mar 1, 2012)

Right got it now. A dumb blonde moment lmao lol


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## george1466868022 (Oct 27, 2011)

knock knock!

whos there?

Europe

Europe who?

No your a poo!!!!!


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## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

With the euros startin next week the polish team is gettin ready 2 fly outa belfast


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## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

............


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## Joan.Mc (Apr 27, 2012)

LazyT said:


> Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked... "Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did 'Two Little Boys'?. "No" he replied "that was Gary Glitter".


no no no no thats not good Mr.T lol


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## Lazyballs (Apr 22, 2012)

I no its only a joke nothing more ment


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## Scotty-boi (Apr 19, 2012)

A teacher is taking her year 4 class for English. Today, she asks the kids to put the word contagious into a sentence.

The teacher points to little Lucy, who has her arm raised, eager to answer the question. Lucy says "last year I had chicken pox, mother said I could go to school as the pox were contagious".

Well done said the teacher.

The teacher then pointed over to another young lad who replied, "last week I had a cold, I was told to cover my mouth when I was coughing because it was contagious"

Well done said the teacher. Anyone else?

Little Jonny at the back of the class raises his hand.

"go on Jonny" says the teacher.

Jonny replies in a broad Irish accent.

"The man next door was painting his whole house with a 2 inch brush, my dad said it would take the contagious"


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## saorsa (Feb 4, 2012)

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!

I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!


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## bornagainmeathead (Nov 26, 2011)

The landlord said "why are you looking so happy?"

I said, "my wife has had one of those procedures done at the hospital today, that would put a smile on most mens faces"

He said "a breast enlargement?"

I said, "no, a postmortem!"


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

What did the fisherman say to the card magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

HAHA!

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

Haaa!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Why won't a bike stand up by itself? It's two tired.


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## Chrissy....... (Nov 25, 2013)

My last fare in the taxi, pretty blonde. When i stopped and turned round she lifted her skirt spread her legs and said, can i pay with this. I said sorry love ive just started i cant change anything that big. Ha.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Chris sanchez said:


> My last fare in the taxi, pretty blonde. When i stopped and turned round she lifted her skirt spread her legs and said, can i pay with this. I said sorry love ive just started i cant change anything that big. Ha.


Hahaha love it!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today.

It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."

"Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

Three days later, the hospital received a new patient, Tynan, that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my *****" he said.

"Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded.

"Okay then," Tynan said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ***** the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Tynan replied.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

susan boyle has just gone to jimmy savile's defence saying "i was on jim'l fix it when i was 13 and he never touched me".


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."

"Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

Three days later, the hospital received a new patient, Tynan, that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my *****" he said.

"Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded.

"Okay then," Tynan said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ***** the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Tynan replied.


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## EXTREME (Aug 5, 2005)

What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog.


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## EXTREME (Aug 5, 2005)

What's red and invisible?

No Tomatos.


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## EXTREME (Aug 5, 2005)

When is forced sex not rape?

Whan she cums first.


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## Chrissy....... (Nov 25, 2013)

How do you annoy Lady Gaga, Poke er face.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I walked up to the bar with my wife last night.

"Can I have a pint of Stella please."

"And for the lady?" Asked the barman.

"A first aid kit."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

There was a horrible smell when I got home tonight

"Don't say anything" said the wife. "I know it's bad but please eat it."

"You're joking!" I said. "Christ, it looks even worse than it smells."

"Please," she begged, tears in her eyes. "You know I'm useless at this, I've spent hours getting it ready. Just eat it for me if you love me."

"Ok ok" I said, sitting down. "I'll eat it. But I won'

t enjoy it."

Then she smiled, closed her eyes and I went down on her.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

A woman goes to the doctor, complaining of a sore throat

"Does it hurt when you swallow?"

"No it only hurts when I don't - my husband punches me in the windpipe."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star." it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I answered the door last night and there was a group of girls standing in the porch with a bag full of alcohol.

"We're here for the party." they smiled.

"The house is already busy," I said, swigging my lager, "But I'll let you in if you show me your tits."

So they all showed me their tits and said, "Can we come in now?


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I said, "You can if you want but the party's next door."


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## Eliganza (Oct 16, 2012)

How do you pull a fat bird?

...Piece of cake.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Sean connery came over to my flat one day and offered to put up the IKEA shelf I had resently bought. When he was finished i put some of my things on it, the shelf collapsed and my things crashed down on the floor. Connery looked on me with mournfull eyes and said:"I am aschamed of myschelf."


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## saorsa (Feb 4, 2012)

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night!Cilla Black, who was also a guest,looked intrigued.

After the show,Cilla says,

'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer'.Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun'.

So they went back to her place and got comfortable.

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good,

Let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand'.

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful'.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem Hun'.

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks,

'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer Willie in de other' does it really stimulate yer that much?'.

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,

but the last time I shlept with a scouser,

The b1tch stole ma wallet!'


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

My wife thinks that I sneak out at night to smoke weed and get stoned, because my eyes are always blood shot.

I nod and agree with her... It's better than saying most girls carry pepper spray these days.

y wife keeps having these lesbian flashbacks from her teenage years.

"What is it you remember?" I asked.

"One time, I was getting licked out by a woman with long golden hair in a dressing room."

"Wow, that's pretty saucy," I replied.

"Only weird thing is," she continued, "after I came, she sparked up a big fat cigar."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

‎"Daddy tell me a bedtime story!".. "Sure honey. Once upon a time a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Best pick up line: "Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?"


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

My wife just asked, "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

I said, "Define fat."

She said, "Picture me sat on your face sucking your coock later."

I said, "No, you look fine babe."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

What has David Cameron reading a book on the economy and Stephen Hawking reading a porn magazine got in common?... Both know what they want to do, but have no idea how they are going to do it.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

‎"Oh my god, the condom has split!" my girlfriend said.

"It has?" I replied, "Does this mean we can't?..."

"No we can't, it was the only one we had you funny c*nt!" she said. "Now get it off your head."


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"


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## justheretosnoop (Jun 15, 2012)

If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my **** up your ass.


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## P2000vxim (Apr 17, 2011)

yo momma's so fat when she walks past the TV, you miss 4 episodes


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## Chrissy....... (Nov 25, 2013)

I knew a lovely Chinese couple who went through a messy divorce.

She went back to peking.

He went back to wangking.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in

the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the

door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about

three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think

you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding

rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk. lol


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving. "Erm... Morning," I said, "I need some erm... God, this is embarrassing..." "Don't you worry sir," she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, "I get this every day!" I smiled back. "Condoms?" she said. "No," I said. "Suppositories?" she said. "No," I said. "Tampons?" "No." "Well, it can't be that embarrassing then, sir," she said with a smile. "Paracetamol," I said. "Paracetamol?" she gave me a puzzled look. "£1.99 please. What's so embarrassing?" Then I pulled out my little pink purse.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

After a pikey wedding caused a mass riot recently, the best man ended up in court. In front of the judge, he was trying to explain the traditions of a 'romany' wedding:

Pikey Best Man: "Well, it was like this, your honour: as it is a custom for the best man to have the first dance with the bride, which I was, nice and close like, the groom comes over and kicks the bride in the **** as hard as he could."

Judge: "Gosh, that must have hurt."

Pikey Best Man: "Hurt? You're not kidding me - he broke three of me ****ing fingers."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellies and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise...

but they won't take it up the arse cause it 'hurts'. !!


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## roadrunner11466868009 (Mar 28, 2011)

The Trixsta said:


> Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellies and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise...
> 
> but they won't take it up the arse cause it 'hurts'. !!


LOL no comment.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

So they have voted against having female bishops..

Priests the world over have heaved a sigh of relief, as the last thing they want is a choirboys **** tasting of fish !!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her, "I'm going to **** you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine."

She replied, "Wow! Let's go - it's good to find a man with such stamina these days."

For some reason, she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan!!


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

£364 was stolen from the Cinema the other day, they stole 2 packets of maltesers and a drink


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## renshaw (Jun 5, 2012)

I'll never do a pun on erection.. touch wood!

##

You know who truly gives kids a bad name?

Posh n becks.

##

I didn't believe my dad stole from work as a lolly pop man... but all the signs where there!

##

I used to sell onions until i got the sack.


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

hahaha quality


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

My mum caught me going through her knicker drawer last night.

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed.

"Relax," I said, "I'm just looking for some batteries."

"I thought you were being a pervert," she said, "What do you need them for?"

I said, "Your vibrator has stopped working."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Young Jimmy is absent from school one day. On his return,his teacher asks:"We dint see you in class - what was wrong with you yesterday Jimmy"?

"My daddy got burned miss " says Jimmy. Taken aback, the teacher replies, "Thats a shame, Jimmy,Was he badly burnt"?

Jimmy looks at her."well,they don't fuk about at the crematorium, miss."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. A sign read: "Bread in captivity."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

I was at the local swimming pool when I saw a couple having sex in the pool.

I walked over to the lifeguard and said, "Aren't you going to do anything?"

He said, "I might have a waank if you fuk off."


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## The Trixsta (Sep 6, 2009)

Ha, I remember this post!

Here's one I came across today! :thumb

*A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* &#8230; he disappeared without a tres! * :lol:


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## banzi (Mar 9, 2014)

Musclechat is a successful forum with loads of members.


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## Major Eyeswater (Nov 2, 2013)

I'll never forget the last thing my dear old Grandad ever said to me.

"Stop shaking my ladder you little bast-AAAAARRRGGHH !"


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