# David Thorne email - The house warming



## TaintedSoul (May 16, 2007)

I love this guys stuff. I'll post the spider, the animals or the gym membership if no one else has read those.

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Prologue :

A few weeks ago, a guy moved into the apartment across from me. I know little about him apart from the fact that he owns cane furniture as I saw the delivery guys carry it up. I bumped into him on the stairs once and he said hello but I cannot be friends with someone that owns cane furniture so I pretended I had a turtle to feed or something.

Last week when I checked my mailbox, I found that my new neighbour had left me a note stating that he was having a party and to let him know if the noise was too loud.

The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn't invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons and that I couldn't come.

If I was writing a note to my neighbours saying that I was going to have a party but none of them could come, I would not add photos of ecstasy tablets, beer and gratuitous shots of Lucius going down on men to show them what they are missing out on, I would make it clean and simple, possibly even sombre, so they didn't think 'you pr**k'.

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*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am

*To:* Matthew Smythe

*Subject:* R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,

Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child's party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn't miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?










Regards, David.

*From:* Matthew Smythe

*Date:* Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David

Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.

Cheers Matthew

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm

*To:* Matthew Smythe

*Subject:* Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,

Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don't tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?










Regards, David.

*From:* Matthew Smythe

*Date:* Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David

As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.

Cheers Matthew

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm

*To:* Matthew Smythe

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,

I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to - if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn't have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon's girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David.

*From:* Matthew Smythe

*Date:* Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm

*To:* Matthew Smythe

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,

I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn't everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan's Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones - I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It's the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don't think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of 'wouldn't it be good' to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don't see you before tonight.

Regards, David.

*From:* Matthew Smythe

*Date:* Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the **** are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am

*To:* Matthew Smythe

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,

I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won't be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

It is a little hard to breathe in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived 'through' the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don't own cars.

Regards, David.

*From:* Matthew Smythe

*Date:* Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no ****ing 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the **** is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no ****ing fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus ****ing christ man.

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am

*To:* Matthew Smythe

*Subject:* Party

Hello Matthew,

I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon's girlfriend Cathy's work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

Regards, David.


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## BigDom86 (Jul 27, 2008)

ive seen the spider and gym one before.

the spider one is the best LOL

put it up again i could do with a lauge


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## Peter V (May 27, 2009)

lol


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## TaintedSoul (May 16, 2007)

As requested -

*The Spider :*

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,

Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead.

I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.










From: Jane Gilles

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,

Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,

You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached <spider.gif>










From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane,

Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,

Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th.

David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95.

Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me.

I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.










From: Jane Gilles

Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,

As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding.

We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached <spider2.gif>


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## Greyphantom (Oct 23, 2003)

Nice... lol... would like to read the gym membership one... if you have it handy...


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## BigDom86 (Jul 27, 2008)

lol has he only done the 3 emails? or is there more?


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## Themanabolic (Jun 25, 2009)

lol Brilliant !


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## TaintedSoul (May 16, 2007)

*The Gym membership :*

*The prologue :*

I keep telling myself that I should get fit but then I see people that I know and work with starting exercise routines and they become boring and talk about 'reps' and read out the amount of calories from food wrappers as if anybody cares. A year after going to the gym and becoming experts on the amount of water they should drink in a day, they are just as flabby as when they started but less interesting.

As I am constantly told I am too skinny, last year I paid four hundred and twenty dollars to join a gym. I attended twice. The first time for almost an hour, the second for only fifteen minutes when it dawned on me that a) the level of fitness of the people attending the gym was proportional to the level of intelligence and that B) my instructor was not wearing anything under his Spandex bike pants and the wet semen spot would, in all probability, brush against me if I stayed there any longer. In hindsight, the money would have been better spent on takeaway food, alcohol and drugs.

______________________________________________________

From:Jeff Peters

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.

Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.

I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.

My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.

I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.

He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f$*k yourself.

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.

As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.

If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.

There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.

I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smart**** or agreeing not to email me again?

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

___


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## TaintedSoul (May 16, 2007)

*No Pets - The Strata rule :*

*Prologue :*

If I had a large backyard, I would probably have about a thousand dogs but as my apartment is very small, I cannot have any due to both the Strata agreement and the fact that they would need to be taken for walks every day and I am too lazy for that. There is a park across the road from us but the last time I went there I was offered money to provide a sexual act which was kind of flattering but I declined and told them that I was late for a meeting which was a lie as I think I just played Unreal Tournament the rest of that day.

I did have a goldfish named (posthumously) Stinky who lived in a vase with a plant. When he died I figured it would be nice to leave him there so that his body would break down and fertilise the plant but after a few weeks the smell was so bad I could not enter the apartment without a towel wrapped around my face. My first thought was to take him to work and hide him in my Bosses car but out of respect Seb and I gave him a vikings funeral instead.

______________________________________________________










From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen


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## BigDom86 (Jul 27, 2008)

love the gym one LOL LOL

please say there are more


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## Zara-Leoni (Mar 12, 2007)

OMG they're brilliant.... laughed so much my chest hurts :laugh:


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## TaintedSoul (May 16, 2007)

BigDom86 said:


> love the gym one LOL LOL
> 
> please say there are more


Will look around and see what I can find.


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## Greyphantom (Oct 23, 2003)

Pets one is the best so far... nice one... lol...


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## Al Kerseltzer (May 5, 2008)

quality,, funny as f*ck!! where did you get this?


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## chris88 (Oct 21, 2007)

this is his website...funny ar*e stories!

http://www.27bslash6.com/slyseb.html


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## Ken Hutchinson (May 29, 2009)

LMAO like them all.......reps


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## Guest (Sep 8, 2009)

His site is Hilarious. im not going to get any work done today!


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## TaintedSoul (May 16, 2007)

more...... taken from his site (www.27bslash6.com)

*Flash drive infringement*

Prologue:

I do not get on all that well with my son's teacher. Ever since the day she gave him a brochure explaining the 'real meaning of Easter', I have had my eye on her.

Recently, my son Seb took a game called Tower Defense to school on his USB drive. I copied it onto there for him. As far as simple games are concerned, I think it is quite strategic and positive. At least it is not about stealing autos and shooting hookers. While I understand taking USB drives to school is a breach of the rules, I do not feel being banned from using school computers is in any way an appropriate punishment.

I do however feel a suitable and appropriate punishment for handing out medieval metaphysic propaganda to children would be a good old fashioned stoning.

______________________________________________________________

From: Margaret Bennett

Date: Friday 22 August 2009 3.40pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: computer room

Hello David

I tried to call you but your phone is off. Just letting you know that Seb bought a flash drive to school yesterday and copied a game onto the school computers which is against the school rules and he has been banned from using the computer room for the rest of the term.

Sincerely, Margaret

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 24 August 2009 9.16am

To: Margaret Bennett

Subject: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

Thankyou for your email. I am not answering my mobile phone at the moment due to a few issues with my landlord and neighbours. I am also experiencing iPhone envy and every second spent using my Nokia is like being trapped in a loveless marriage. Where you stay together for the kids. And the kids all have iPhones. I was not aware that my son taking software to school was in breach of school rules. Although the game is strategic and public domain, not to mention that it was I who copied and gave it to him, I agree that banning him from access to the computers at school is an appropriate punishment. Especially considering his enthusiasm for the subject. Also, though physical discipline is not longer administered in the public school system, it would probably be appropriate in this instance if nobody is watching. I know from experience that he can take a punch.

Regards, David.

From: Margaret Bennett

Date: Tuesday 25 August 2009 10.37am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: computer room

David

We would never strike a student and whether the software is pirated or not is not the issue. He denied having the drive which means he knew he shouldn't have it here then it was found in his bag so I feel the punishment is suitable.

Margaret

From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 25 August 2009 11.04am

To: Margaret Bennett

Subject: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

Yes, I agree. Education and access to the tools necessary for such should always come secondary to discipline. When I was young, discipline was an accepted part of each school day. Once, when I coloured outside the lines, I was forced to stand in the playground with a sign around my neck that read 'non-conformist' while the other children pelted me with rubble from the recently torched school library. Apparently a copy of Biggles had been found behind a filing cabinet. Another time, because I desperately wanted a Battlestar Galactica jacket like Apollo in the television series, using brown house paint from the shed at home, I painted my denim jacket and used Araldite to attach brass door hinges as clasps. Feeling that it was an excellent representation and despite the oil based paint still being soaking wet, I wore it to school the next day. Unfortunately, the paint dried while I was sitting in Mrs Bowman's English class, securing me to the chair. After the school handyman cut me free, I was sent to the principal for damaging school property. My punishment was to scrape wads of chewing gum off the bottom of every chair in the school after hours. It took several weeks and it was during this lonely time that I created my imaginary friend Mr Wrigley. During class, when the teacher was not looking, we would pass each other notes regarding the merits of disciplinary action and how one day we would own real Battlestar Galactica jackets.

Also, if you happen to see Seb eating anything over the next few weeks, please remove the food from him immediately. He forgot to feed his turtle last week and I feel a month without food will help him understand both the importance of being a responsible pet owner and the effects of malnutrition.

Regards, David.

From: Margaret Bennett

Date: Tuesday 25 August 2009 4.10pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

David

I hope you are not being serious about the food but I am forwarding your email to the principal as per school policy.

Margaret

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 11.18am

To: Margaret Bennett

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

Rest assured I would not really withhold nutritional requirements from any child. Except maybe that one that starred in the Home Alone movies. I read somewhere that a healthy breakfast helps concentration and have found, since replacing my usual diet of nicotine with froot loops, I am able to move small objects with my mind. Just this morning Seb and I were discussing the importance of good nutrition which is why, if you check in his school bag, you will find a bag of rice, vegetables, a wok and a camp stove. The gas bottle can be a little tricky but has instructions printed on the side so he should be alright. Please remind him to stand well back and cover his face while igniting as the hose is worn and has developed a small leak.

Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible so I would appreciate you not filling his head with these fanciful notions.

Regards, David.

From: Margaret Bennett

Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 2.05pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

David

I have no idea what your point is. I will speak to the principal about the ban but you have to understand that only government approved software is allowed on the computers and Seb knew this rule.

Margaret

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 2.17pm

To: Margaret Bennett

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

I understand the need for conformity. Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense. Discipline is the key to conformity and it is important that we learn not to question authority at an early age. Just this week I found a Sue Townsend novel in Seb's bag that I do not believe is on the school approved reading list. Do not concern yourself about it making its way to the school yard though as we attended a community book burning last night. Although one lady tried to ruin the atmosphere with comments regarding Mayan codices and the Alexandrian Libraries, I mentioned to the High Magus that I had overheard her discussing spells to turn the village cow's milk sour and the mob took care of the rest.

Regards, David.

From: Margaret Bennett

Date: Thursday 28 August 2009 11.56am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

David,

I have spoken to the principal and in this instance we will lift the ban.

Margaret


----------



## BigDom86 (Jul 27, 2008)

lol i could read these all day long.

http://www.27bslash6.com/lesley.html


----------



## TaintedSoul (May 16, 2007)

*Shannon's colour coded coffee cup cleaning chart*

*Prologue :*

Due to there being an unprecedented twelve coffee cups needing to be cleaned in the sink at work, it is understandable that Shannon would be outraged by this intrusion on her facebook and looking out the window time.

Though kitchen duties may be an expected part of her job role, there is no reason why everyone should not reschedule work/client commitments and help out to ensure Shannon's social networking and looking out the window time is not interrupted.

_____________________________________

From: Shannon

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.12am

To: Staff

Subject: Coffee cups

Hi

There was twelve coffee cups left in the sink this morning. Could everyone please wash their coffee cups after using them.

Thanks, Shan

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.19am

To: Shannon

Subject: Re: Coffee cups

Morning Shannon,

My apologies. Those coffee cups were mine. I am rather busy today so decided to have all of my coffee breaks at the one time this morning rather than taking twelve separate breaks throughout the day. I am currently experiencing severe heart palpitations but also typing at four hundred and seventy words per minute so should be able to knock off early.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.31am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Coffee cups

I was not saying they were all your coffee cups I was just saying that I should not have to wash twelve coffee cups when I don't even drink coffee. People should wash their own coffee cups or at least take it in turns to wash them.

Shan

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.42am

To: Shannon

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Coffee cups

Shannon,

You raise a valid and not at all uninteresting point. Perhaps you could construct some kind of chart. A roster system would enable us to work in an environment free of dirty coffee cups and put an end to any confusion regarding who the dirty coffee cup responsibility lies with.

David.

From: Shannon

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1.08pm

To: Staff

Subject: Kitchen Roster

Hi everyone. I have discussed a kitchen roster with David and feel it would be fair if we took it in turns to do the dishes. I have put the roster in the kitchen so everyone can remember. I am Monday morning and Wednesday and Friday afternoon. David is Monday afternoon and Wednesday morning, Lillian is Tuesday morning and Thursday afternoon and Thomas is Tuesday afternoon and Friday morning.

Thanks, Shan

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1.22pm

To: Shannon

Subject: Colour coded coffee cup cleaning chart

Shannon, I notice that you have colour coded the coffee cup cleaning chart. While I appreciate the creative effort that has gone into this roster, the light salmon colour you have chosen for my name is very effeminate. While I am sure you have not done this on purpose and are not inferring anything, I would appreciate you rectifying this immediately. Would it be possible to swap colours with Thomas as he has quite a nice dusty blue.

Thankyou, David

From: Shannon

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.17pm

To: Staff

Subject: Updated kitchen roster

Hi. I have changed David's colour to blue on the kitchen roster. Thomas is now green.

Shan

From: Thomas

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.24pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: What the ****?

What the **** is this email from Shannon? I am not doing a ****ing kitchen roster. Was this your idea?

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.38pm

To: Thomas

Cc: Shannon

Subject: Re: What the ****?

Thomas, do you feel it is fair that Shannon should have to wash everyone's coffee cups? Apparently this morning there were twelve coffee cups in the sink. I was going to schedule a staff board meeting this afternoon to discuss the issue but luckily Shannon has prepared a colour coded coffee cup cleaning chart for us rendering a staff meeting unnecessary. We should all thank Shannon for taking the initiative and creating a system that will empower us to efficiently schedule client meetings and work commitments around our designated coffee cup cleaning duties. If at any stage our rostered coffee cup cleaning commitments coincide with work requirements, we can simply hold the client meeting in the kitchen. We can wash while the clients dry. Today it may only be twelve coffee cups but tomorrow it could be several plates and a spoon and then where would we be?

David.

From: Thomas

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.56pm

To: Shannon

Subject: Kitchen stuff

Shannon, I do not need a chart telling me when to wash dishes. I am not going to stop in the middle of writing proposals to wash coffee cups. David is being a ****wit. I only use one coffee cup and I always rinse it out after I use it. If we have clients here and they use coffee cups then it is appreciated that you wash them as part of your job.

From: Lillian

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.06pm

To: Thomas

Subject: Re: Kitchen stuff

What's this kitchen roster thing? Did you agree to this?

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.09pm

To: Shannon

Subject: Rescheduling coffee cup duties

Shannon, can I swap my rostered coffee cup cleaning duty this afternoon for Thursday? I have been busy all day working, not looking at pictures of Johnny Depp on the internet, and not had time to familiarise myself with correct coffee cup cleaning requirements. I am happy to reschedule my meetings tomorrow to undertake a training session on dish washing detergent location and washcloth procedures with you if you have the time. I feel it would be quite helpful if prior to the training session you prepared some kind of Powerpoint presentation. Possibly with graphs. Will I need to bring my own rubber gloves or will these be provided?

David

From: Shannon

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.20pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Rescheduling coffee cup duties

Whatever.


----------



## Hardc0re (Apr 21, 2009)

LMAO, that was some grt reading in this thread.


----------



## TaintedSoul (May 16, 2007)

The guy must get lost in his head for hours thinking up things!!!


----------



## Sylar (Sep 7, 2008)

TaintedSoul said:


> more...... taken from his site (www.27bslash6.com)


Nice find mate! :thumb:

I think i'm going to follow suite and keep a few of these on my person at all times lol...

http://www.27bslash6.com/sorry.jpg


----------



## T.F. (Aug 28, 2008)

That guy is a legend!


----------



## Jux (Jul 23, 2008)

Lmao!


----------



## laurie g (Nov 28, 2008)

oh my god phew my belly hurt rep rep reps awesome reading


----------



## Incredible Bulk (Sep 19, 2007)

*From:* Les Copeland

*Date:* Thursday 15 Jan 2009 4.19pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Poor black boy

What kind of a complete ****ing moron makes fun of starving children? What a pathetic attempt at humour. I have spent time in third world countries and seen children starving with my own eyes and I think you seriously need to grow the **** up.










Les

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Thursday 15 Jan 2009 6.41pm

*To:* Les Copeland

*Subject:* Re: Poor black boy

Dear Lesley,










Thankyou for your kind email, I am glad you enjoyed the website. In answer to your question, no I cannot send you a photo of myself without a shirt on. I have however attached this photo of a mouse riding on a toads back. It is a visual metaphor for how you must have felt writing that last email; magnanimous, the world on your shoulders and moist.










Regards, David.










*From:* Les Copeland

*Date:* Friday 16 Jan 2009 10.28am

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Poor black boy

Are you ****ing retarted? Where did I ask for a photo of you? I wrote to you about the poor black boy page. As If I would want a photo of someone who thinks starving children are funny.

You need a punch in the head. And my name isnt Lesley moron. Tell me where you live and we will see how ****ing funny you are.










Les

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Friday 16 Jan 2009 11.02am

*To:* Les Copeland

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Dear Lesbian,










Thankyou for your request but I regret that I am unable to provide you with an address as I am homeless. Please send money and/or Lego. I have been collecting lego blocks for nearly four years now as I intend to build my own home. I currently have exactly 1,692,008 blocks of various sizes and only need another 4,836,029 to complete plans of constructing a four bedroom home with sunken lounge and indoor swimming pool. Prior plans to build a home from seawater were abandoned due to physics. The advantages of using lego blocks over traditional building methods, in regards to durability and gaiety of colour, are without question. The only issues are finding a block of land that has a flat green plastic base and gaining council approval but that should not prove a major obstacle as my local member of parliament, Kate Ellis, planet Earth's sexiest space politician, is not adverse to a bribe. Kate Beckinsale is the only other attractive lesbian politician I can think of. The rest are just appalling.










Regards, David.

P.S. I have attached a photo of Kate Ellis as a sexy space girl in case you do not know who she is.










*From:* Les Copeland

*Date:* Saturday 17 Jan 2009 2.09pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

I have no idea who the **** that is and it wouldnt suprise me if you were homeless loser. spending your time writing **** like that instead of getting a real job like a grown up what are you 15? Did your mummy buy you the computer you are using? Why dont you turn off your computer and go outdoors there is a whole world out there. and Les is short for Lester moron. I seriously want to punch you in the ****ing face.

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Saturday 17 Jan 2009 2.37pm

*To:* Les Copeland

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Dear moLester,










I appreciate the suggestion but dislike the outdoors, it has bees and sharp sticks in it. Once, when I went camping with my sister and brother, my sister became angry at a comment I made regarding her girth and drove off leaving us stranded two hundred and thirty kilometres from the nearest McDonalds. By the third day we tried eating grass and fought over a small lizard on the fourth. If you and I had known each other then, you could have arranged an emergency Unicef food parcel drop. As it was, we survived only by making love to keep warm and building a vehicle out of our clothing which enabled us to reach the nearest town where we danced for food.










You and I should go camping together some time as you seem like an adventurous, outdoors kind of guy with a love of watersports and everything outdoors. I read somewhere about a father and son who went camping and during the night a tree branch fell on their tent killing the child so I always sleep the furthest distance possible from my son when we are camping together. Safety first. You would be a handy person to have along in case we became lost as we could use your Village People moustache as kindling to create a signal fire and your naturally reflective surface to alert search planes.










In regards to getting a real job, my current position as assistant to the managing assistant in charge of envelopes fills much of my spare time and I have been promised a promotion to assistant to the assistant manager in charge of assistants within ten years. The corporate stepladder has my name on every rung.










Also, I understand your need to assert yourself physically, I too can only experience true intimacy through pain. As I have ventured onto your website and seen your photo, my only requirement would be that we keep the lights off as imagination has it's limits. I have had worse of course, my last girlfriend was the poster girl for 'love is blind' and my current partner is overseas at the moment so the only intimacy in my life involves a stick of salami and the neigbors dog when Glenda & Frank go out Tuesday nights. Once when they arrived home early due to an arguament between them regarding Frank's internet usage, I hid in their wardrobe for four days. As I could see Frank using his computer from my hiding position, I can vouch for his denials to Glenda's accusations that he was "looking at girls on the intenet". He was looking at photos of her. No not really, it was men. To prime myself for your proximity, I have printed your photo out and have it sitting on the couch next to me while we watch a DVD together. Occassionally, I throw an M&M at you and pretend you giggle and tell me to stop it. We are watching Nanny Mcphee which always makes me cry. The bit at the end where her wedding dress materialises out of snow is simply beautiful but my favourite scene is where the robots turn on their human masters.










Regards, David.

*From:* Les Copeland

*Date:* Saturday 17 Jan 2009 6.41pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

You are a complete idiot. Dont email me again.

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Saturday 17 Jan 2009 6.57pm

*To:* Les Copeland

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

ok

*From:* Les Copeland

*Date:* Saturday 17 Jan 2009 7.02pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

**** off


----------



## Incredible Bulk (Sep 19, 2007)

Under instruction by Mr Carganovsky's lawyers to amend his name and protect his identity, I have complied to avoid the threat of litigation.

The 'issue' began when Mr Carganovsky sent me several emails in which he shared such gems as "Hey poofter. You website is stupid **** and youre stuff is not even funny. I could write better stuff in my ****ing sleep. you would not last 5 minutes around here with your stupid **** because you would have the **** beat out of you. I ****ing punch you and you wouldent get up for a week ****ing ******. I will think of you while I am screwing my hot girlfriend tonight loser".

I responded by posting an (admittedly poorly written) article. At no time did I comment on his moustache or having a girls name.

------------------------------










*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Friday 26 June 2009 11.02am

*To:* Craig Ellison

*Subject:* Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Ellison,










Thankyou for your letter. Does the forty eight hours include sleeping time? I like to sleep in till around midday, often longer if it is cold and rainy outside. Today when I got up it was bitterly cold so I sat on the couch watching <NOBR>Blakes-7</NOBR> dvds wrapped in my doona and therefore technically still in bed. If I bought two doonas, layed down on them with my arms and legs splayed out, drew the outline of my body then cut out and stitched the doonas together to form a suit, I could wear this to the shops and even to work on cold days. People would probably look at me and say "I wish I had one of those doona suits" and I would say "Yes, it is very warm and comfortable and just like being in bed therefore I am exempt from any deadlines that may be placed on me."










Regards, David.

*From:* Craig Ellison

*Date:* Friday 26 June 2009 12.55pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Thorne










The 48 hours includes sleeping time. I would advise you to take this matter seriously as anti harrassment laws are very specific and carry penalites ranging from fines to prison time. You would also be liable for all legal fees.










Sincerely, Craig Ellison

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Friday 26 June 2009 1.27pm

*To:* Craig Ellison

*Subject:* Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Ellison,










Does the forty hours begin from when you wrote the letter, when I received it, or when I chose to ignore it? Despite your inference, I do indeed take your threats very seriously. The thought of spending time in prison has caused my entire body to break out in a rash. It is a brown, even rash which looks like I have been away on holidays and gotten a tan so that is nice. While I am sure prison would have certain benefits, such as not having to decide what to wear each morning and the opportunity to meet new and interesting people, I have heard that they make you get up early and also expect you to shower in front of each other. At home, I shower with the lights off as I have a dim view of nudity. I also read once that the other prisoners make you dress up like a lady and dance for them which does not sound like a safe idea. It has taken me years of practice to just walk in high heels let alone dance. I would probably have to do one of those eighties dances where you just keep your legs still and dance with your arms and upper body and the other prisoners would probably get bored and go and do other things. Unless I did the Robot of course which does not involve moving the feet much and everyone loves the Robot. I only know two other dances; the Matrix where you lean right back waving your arms slowly and the old man dance where I tense up, shuffle my feet intermittently, complain about the music and sit down for a rest. I could probably tap dance as well as it looks easy but nobody likes that rubbish.










Regards, David.

*From:* Craig Ellison

*Date:* Friday 26 June 2009 3.06pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Thorne










What does this all have to do with removing our clients name and photo from your website? I would strongly advise you not to ignore our letter. If references to our client are not removed by 5pm Wednesday 7th of July we will file a complaint with the courts pending instruction from Mr Cargan.










Sincerely, Craig Ellison

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Friday 26 June 2009 4.21pm

*To:* Craig Ellison

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Ellison,










I understand. In the event that this proceeds to court, will you appear for me as a character witness? I enjoy room temperature, pushing buttons with a really smooth push button action and getting a little bit wet in the rain then quickly running inside. Should you require more information, I am happy to meet up with you for a coffee or watch a dvd and discuss further. Have you seen the movie Waterworld? I haven't but I have heard it is terrible so we would not watch that. We could read to each other if you preferred. There is a chance we could even become close friends through this which would be a nice outcome. I read somewhere that lawyers are second only to dentists in regards to committing suicide so you would have someone to talk to when you are down about everyone despising you. I would probably talk you out of committing suicide and you would owe me your life and buy me nice things. I would pretend to feel uncomfortable about accepting them and say "you don't have to feel obligated, that's what friends do" but really I would be quite happy about it. I am a size 32 in pants.










Regards, David.

*From:* Craig Ellison

*Date:* Monday 29 June 2009 9.36am

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

David, please just remove the references to Mr Cargan from your website. He has not given you permission to use his image or name. His posting information on Facebook or Myspace does not make that information public property. I have spoken to Mr Cargan in regards to this matter and while it is my understanding that he initiated the contact and the webpage was your response, it would be preferrable to all concerned that you end this now to avoid possible litigation.










Sincerely, Craig Ellison

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Monday 29 June 2009 10.09am

*To:* Craig Ellison

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Ellison,










I appreciate Mr Cargan's preference for anonymity all to well. Each day before I leave the house, I dress as an elderly Jamaican woman and am well known in the community as Mrs Cocowan. That way, if I ever find myself involved in a major crime, and it is just a matter of time, they will be looking for a large old black lady that sings for money at the train station and can run suprisingly fast. If I change Mr Cargan's name and place a black rectangle over his eyes, would this be acceptable to you?










Regards, David.

*From:* Craig Ellison

*Date:* Monday 29 June 2009 2.42pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Thorne










I have spoken to Mr Cargan and we agree that using a different name and placing a black rectangle over his eyes in a way that protects his identity would be an acceptable outcome. I am glad we could bring this issue to an agreeable close.










Sincerely, Craig Ellison


----------



## dudz (Oct 27, 2008)

:lol: *:lol:* :lol: *:lol:* :lol: *:lol:*

*
*

*
Prologue*

*
*

*
*I wrote a stupid post about the television host 'Rove' and his dead girlfriend. Basically I asked why no-one mentions his dead girlfriend. I also stated that I thought she got off easy - "not tonight dear, I have cancer".

Of all the messages I recieved proclaiming me to be a pr**k for making statements about his dead girlfriend, Dick's were the most entertaining for me as he just kept going. Unfortunately I have not recieved any correspondance from Dick for a while, I will assume he has been arrested by the beard police. This is saddening as it seemed no matter what nonsense I sent him, he would reply in anger.

*
***********************************************************************************************

*
*

*
From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Tuesday 6 May 2008 7.42pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Rove

**** you retard wydont you shut up! he dident ask for his gilrfriend to die so use your brain to work out how you would feel and just ****en shutup!

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 8.04pm

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: Rove

Thankyou for your recommendation Dick, I am currently writing a television script that I think you would be perfect for, it features a genius of superior wit and intellect who uses his uncanny abilities to protect the innocent. Aided by his loyal pet, masturbating monkey, he endeavors to right wrongs and solve crimes. At the end of each episode he will leave us with a profound, thought provoking and politically correct statement such as "don't leave your pet in the car with the windows up" or "**** you retard wydont you shut up". An important part of the character development as I see it, would be the developing relationship between yourself and masturbating monkey. The show will be titled 'Monkey Dick' (a combination of private dick and the pet monkey, similar to 'canine cop') and I do hope you will make yourself available for this opportunity.

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Tuesday 6 May 2008 8.17pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Rove

**** you coksucker you should be ashamed of what you wrote that was wrong ad you know it How wud you feel if you were rove? why dont you **** off.

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Tuesday 6 May 2008 8.42pm

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Rove

You're correct Dick, my statements were uncalled for and unquantifiable in any manner. I apologise without reserve and ask for nothing but your understanding. I hope, in time, you can come to forgive me for such contemptible statements. If I could retract my statements I would but I do not have a time machine. I wish that I did have a time machine, I would take my Macbook Pro back to 1984 and visit Steve Jobs. After selling my laptop to him for millions I would return to the present. I could do this several times as each time the present technologies would have changed. It is a flawless plan, I am sure you will agree, lacking only the availability of time/dimension manipulation technologies.

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Tuesday 6 May 2008 9.02pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Rove

That didnt even make any sense. why dont you stop wasting your time and get a girlfriend!

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Tuesday 6 May 2008.06pm

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rove

Thankyou for the excellent suggestion Dick, I contacted your wife and we are now seeing eachother.

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Tuesday 6 May 2008 9.17pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* **** off

youve obviously got no firends!

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Tuesday 6 May 2008 9.28pm

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: **** off

You got me Dick. You are correct, I have no friends. I am lonely and sad. I am currently sitting in a cave by myself, sustaining myself on beetles, powering my laptop by an ingenious array of pulleys and flywheels constructed from small lizards and tree sap from the local flora. I came here to escape my family, friends, industry associates, acquaintances and the lady next door who was spying on me, in the hope of completing my novel titled "why are there so many dickheads messaging me?" I have made the dedication out to you Dick and will endeavor to send you a copy once it goes to print.

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Wednesday 7 May 2008 10.37am

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: **** off

Your a moron muthufuka!!!!

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Wednesday 7 May 2008 11.52am

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: **** off

Well done Dick, that sentence included a word containing more than three syllables - I am assuming mutha****a to be one word in your dimension. As I mentioned, I am currently writing a novel and would be honored if you would concede to being the editor. I realise that you must be in great demand, with a long list of literary achievements and I am less than worthy of your mastery in this area, but an opportunity such as this could simply not be passed by. I will attach the manuscript and look forward to your positive response.

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Wednesday 7 May 2008 2.18pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: **** off

youve got mental problems ****er and dont call me dick. your the dickhead!

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Wednesday 7 May 2008 2.44pm

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: **** off

Dear Dr Dick,

Thankyou for that in-depth psychoanalysis which is so accurate as to be uncanny. As your professional diagnosis has clearly outlined, I do indeed have mental problems. It is a degenerative disease that causes a small part of my brain to die every time I recieve a message from the kind of person that collects star trek dvds and listens to Jimmy Barnes (yes, I read your profile). Little more can be done except to write a letter to your university, in particular your psychology and psychiatry lecturers, congratulating them on producing such an amazing pool of talent.

Best, David

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Wednesday 7 May 2008 2.52pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: **** off

**** you whats wrong with Star Trek? your a ****er

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Wednesday 7 May 2008 3.19pm

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: **** off

Nothing is wrong with Star Trek Dick, I enjoy science theory myself and some of the episodes were not completely embarrassing. I was tempted to write something derogatory and perhaps even draw attention to the fact that the only time in any of your emails you have used correct spelling, grammer, punctuation or capitalisation is when your wrote the name 'Star Trek', but I was fearful that your army of Klingon warriors might attack and shoot colourful laser rays at me, causing me to have to land on a planet inhabited by aliens who speak english and look exactly like humans apart from ripples on their nose while I perform plasma warp drive repairs.

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Thursday 8 May 2008 9.27am

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* your a ****er

You must be fat and sad and ugly!

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Thursday 8 May 2008 4.11pm

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: your a ****er

Thankyou Dick, I am touched by your concern for my health, happiness and social acceptance. I actually am not fat and would usually be described as a bit too skinny. I have been contemplating reverse liposuction, a technique where they basically transfer liquified body fat from one patient to another. Having looked on your profile and seen your photo, I was hoping we could help each other out here - I figure some of the fat from just one of your cheeks could help add many kilograms to my current body weight. I realise this would leave you a tad lopsided so if we take the fat from your other cheek we could sell it to the japanese. This commercial venture would effectively pay for the initial operation and save several whales in the process. I think you will have to agree this is a socially responsible course of action.

In regards to being sad, aren't we all from time to time? As I am sitting writing this on my laptop in bed while my girlfriend watches 'Family Guy' on the 52" plasma screen in her underwear, I cant help but think how much happier I would be if she was Brooke Satchwell, was wearing latex and we were in Bora Bora so i guess happiness being relative and on a comparative scale, you are correct.

As for being ugly, I am actually extremely attractive, with god like features and the body of a Calvin Klein underwear model, due to being born with what is termed the 'drop dead gorgeous gene' but I cant help feeling life would be much easier if I was indeed ugly. Hows it working out for you?

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Thursday 8 May 2008 4.21pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: your a ****er

You think you are ****ing clever. I am a primary teacher and the kids in my class write better than you moron! kiss my ****.

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Thursday 8 May 2008 4.29pm

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: your a ****er

Now I am actually horrified. My son is in primary school and I had the assumption that the adults I leave him in the care of would generally have a higher level of education than his. Just out of interest, can I ask if you have ever had sex with one of your students?

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Thursday 8 May 2008 4.37pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: your a ****er

I teach 3rd grade dead****

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Thursday 8 May 2008 4.46pm

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a ****er

My question still stands.

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Thursday 8 May 2008 4.58pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a ****er

Suck my cock ****head

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Friday 9 May 2008 6.03pm

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a ****er

Thankyou Dick, I will take your offer of oral sex as a peace offering but will have to decline. While I appreciate the gesture, I am very much straight. I am flattered and even a little curious but feel it would be better if we refrained from giving in to desire at this stage of our relationship and besides, I would not want to risk doing anything that may damage our friendship - of which I have come to value very much.

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Friday 9 May 2008 11.18pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a ****er

what? your an idiot im not gonna compete with an idiot anymore. burn in hell ****er not writing any more to you!

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Saturday 10 May 2008 1.07pm

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a ****er

Compete? I wouldn't attempt such a foolhardy excersise such as competing with a mental giant as yourself. I am possibly the least competitive person I know and am in fact the current national loser in the 'Who is Least Competitive Championships' where trying to win will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Saturday 10 May 2008 4.40pm

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* ****en loser

Yeah your right you do lose. That was the biggest heap of **** i have eva readwhat was that even suposed to mean? dont emai me back you are an idiot.

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Sunday 11 May 2008 11.13am

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* I love you and want to touch your beard

I am very hurt by your comments Richard and I am not sure quite how to take them. Are you saying it is over? Through time and a series of expensive counseling sessions, I may see my way through it. If you would be interested in perhaps attending some of these sessions together, I believe we may resolve our differences. Its the little things isn't it Dick, the little things that you found cute in the beginning of our relationship have become the catalyst for this anger. I can change Dick. I can change for you. I love you Dick.

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Monday 12 May 2008 10.28am

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* ******!

you are a ****en idiot!!! I dont have time to read you stupid ****. What are you even wriing to me for ? I think you are doing it just to annoy me ****head

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Monday 12 May 2008 10.51am

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: ******!

I confess. You have caught me out Dick, alternative motives may have included 'using dick as entertainment', 'playing with dick' or even 'lets get dick heated ' but your super sleuth detective skills have once again outwitted me and centred in on the fundamental reason. Please find attached a cheque made out to you for a copy of your book 'Detective Dick's Deduction Dictionary'. I would also like to sign up to receive your monthly newsletter and please book me in for your course 'Deducing Dick'. If I use my credit card to purchase the full two half hour lessons will I receive the Sherlock Holmes style cap and curved wooden pipe at no added cost? I have my own magnifying glass. Sometimes I use it on ants. Not to cook them, just to warm them on cold days or get a little fire going for them.

*From:* Richard Matthews

*Date:* Monday 12 May 2008 11.09am

*To:* David Thorne

*Subject:* Re: Re: ******!

Stop messaging me

*From:* David Thorne

*Date:* Monday 12 May 2008 11.22am

*To:* Richard Matthews

*Subject:* Re: Re: Re: ******!

ok


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## Gerry_bhoy (Dec 25, 2008)

Haha, I posted the spider a while ago back.

Love the invitation one :lol:


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## BigDom86 (Jul 27, 2008)

LOL at the dick one. might be the best one methinks


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