# Scouse Jokes!



## TOBE (Mar 9, 2008)

I'm a scouser myself but these had me in stitches! :lol:

*Q. Two Scouse kids in a car without any music - who is driving? *

A. The policeman.

*Q. Why did the Scouse girl cross the road?*

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

*Q. What do you call a Scouse girl in a white tracksuit? *

A. The bride.

*Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex? *

A. A bus shelter.

*Q. What do you call a 30 year old Scouse girl? *

A. Granny.

*Q. What's the difference between a Scouse boy and an Scouse girl? *

A. A Scouse girl has a higher sperm count.

*
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ? *

A. Fathers day

Got sent these before, all in good fun!


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## Guest (Dec 14, 2008)

hahaha, gutting to say that also counts for the whole of the UK hehehe


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## offo (Apr 10, 2006)

haha tell me about just watch jeremy kyle haha


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## MXMAD (Oct 11, 2007)

Think it can be said for all chavs :lol:


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## donggle (Aug 28, 2007)

you've had the text message too then?> haha


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## dementia (Jun 9, 2005)

Few more for you

*A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.*

*
*

*
**She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.*

*Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.*

*The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'*

*
*

*
**'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.*

*The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'*

*'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.*

*The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'*

*'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'*

*'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.*

*You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time&#8230; What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would* *you be then?'*

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*

*
**'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.*

*
**An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.*

*They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.*

*He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.*

*They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'*

*Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.*

*Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a*

*pint of bitter.*

*Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.*

*After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.*

*He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.*

*When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.* *It's a miracle!'*

*
*

*
**Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.*

*As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.*

*'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'*

*Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,*

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*

*
**'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.*

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*

*
*

*
**A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the*

*Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.*

*The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a* *chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The* *Salary package is £200,000 a year'.*

*The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'*

*The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'*

*Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.*

*
*

*
**It later turned out to be a tax disc.*


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## Nemises (Jun 29, 2008)

LMAO


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## vlb (Oct 20, 2008)

awesomely funny

hahahah


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## muscle01 (Nov 6, 2008)

What do you call a scouser in a suit-*the accused*


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## GHS (Oct 6, 2008)

TOBE said:


> I'm a scouser myself but these had me in stitches! :lol:
> 
> *Q. Two Scouse kids in a car without any music - who is driving? *
> 
> ...


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## genesis (Jul 4, 2006)

TOBE said:


> *Q. Why did the Scouse girl cross the road?*
> 
> A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.


PMSL :thumbup1:


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## jimbo1436114513 (Mar 28, 2006)

*A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, 'Do you want a blow job?' He said, 'Will it affect me **dole money?'*

*Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"*



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Why are Liverpool supporters useless at making Pancakes?*

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Because they're all useless tossers*

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Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?*

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Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.*

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Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? *

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So they ain't mistaken fur a Liverpudlian women.*

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Liverpool airport*

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## Slamdog (Jun 11, 2007)

scouse office


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## AAZ (Dec 7, 2008)

Hilarious stuff lads, keep them coming :lol:


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