# Training conflict with husband



## katerina

Just looking for some perspective/experience here.

I'm 30 this year. I was overweight teenager, into my early 20s. Got together with partner when I was 19, lost a load of weight through cardio/dieting (partner very supportive, helps me train, 'I love you however you are', etc). Got married couple of years ago, sex is great, happy/healthy life together.

Last year I started lifting, almost by accident, really love it. I do mostly compound lifts in the gym but started branching out into other stuff too, I enjoy the feeling, I always thought I wanted to be thin and pretty but feeling strong is good. Its helped our sex life, husband is proud of me and keeps saying how good I look.

Through friends a few months ago started going to bodybuilding gym and this is where problems have started. Husband doesn't want me to have that kind of body shape, doesn't like the lifestyle/diet that goes with it, thinks I will become addicted to lifting and/or steroids. He's overall incredibly supportive of my goals and achievements I dont want to make it sound like hes some asshole (paid for some of my college,happily waves me off on holidays with my friends, no jealousy issues etc) but says he 'just doesn't fancy birds with big muscles'. At least he's honest with me.

I just feel its like a calling for me, I really want to jump right in and get massive. Don't know what to do. My friends opinions are mostly the same as his 'you will look like a freak' etc etc, apart from a few gym buddies who 'get it'. When I see the girls at the bb gym I just think, damn, I want to look like that/train like that/achieve that. I can't stop thinking about it. But&#8230;my marriage is everything to me.

Any thoughts?


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## Sams

Big muscly birds don't do it for me, nice slim and tones birds do.

End of the day your want your Mrs to look feminine and good looking.

Only good side of female steroid use is the enlargement of the clit, makes it easier to find when hammered


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## PaulB

Unless you take gear you will not get really muscly. Are you sure he's not jealous of the guys in your new bodybuilding gym?


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## Huntingground

A marriage is a big commitment and sometimes you have to make sacrifices for it to work.


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## LittleMsMuscle

katerina said:


> Just looking for some perspective/experience here.
> 
> I'm 30 this year. I was overweight teenager, into my early 20s. Got together with partner when I was 19, lost a load of weight through cardio/dieting (partner very supportive, helps me train, 'I love you however you are', etc). Got married couple of years ago, sex is great, happy/healthy life together.
> 
> Last year I started lifting, almost by accident, really love it. I do mostly compound lifts in the gym but started branching out into other stuff too, I enjoy the feeling, I always thought I wanted to be thin and pretty but feeling strong is good. Its helped our sex life, husband is proud of me and keeps saying how good I look.
> 
> Through friends a few months ago started going to bodybuilding gym and this is where problems have started. Husband doesn't want me to have that kind of body shape, doesn't like the lifestyle/diet that goes with it, thinks I will become addicted to lifting and/or steroids. He's overall incredibly supportive of my goals and achievements I dont want to make it sound like hes some asshole (paid for some of my college,happily waves me off on holidays with my friends, no jealousy issues etc) but says he 'just doesn't fancy birds with big muscles'. At least he's honest with me.
> 
> I just feel its like a calling for me, I really want to jump right in and get massive. Don't know what to do. My friends opinions are mostly the same as his 'you will look like a freak' etc etc, apart from a few gym buddies who 'get it'. When I see the girls at the bb gym I just think, damn, I want to look like that/train like that/achieve that. I can't stop thinking about it. But&#8230;my marriage is everything to me.
> 
> Any thoughts?


I am sorry to hear about this conflict that has come up for you. I first got into bodybuilding when I was 14-15 and my mother stopped me, she told me that no-one will fancy me if I get muscular. 15 years later I finally decided to start living for me. I really regret not doing it sooner.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, will he really leave you if you pursue your dreams? What ever happened to "for better or for worse"

I don't think marriage is about compromising yourself and hiding who you are.

I am a coach and mentor to young women and my biggest piece of advice is, be who you are and the right people will love and respect you. Spread your wings and fly butterfly!!


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## katerina

PaulB said:


> Unless you take gear you will not get really muscly. Are you sure he's not jealous of the guys in your new bodybuilding gym?


Nothing to suggest that no. Hes pretty secure and fit himself and I am very faithful. and I am trained by a woman/hang out mainly with women there. With the gym as with work I am really careful not to be like 'oh mark from work says' or 'oh you'll never guess what dave at the gym did' etc...


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## funkdocta

Go for it I say!!

I don't have a type. Love strong muscular women as well as small petite ones! Variety is the spice of life!


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## Bear2012

If you are not happy the relationship will not be happy.

Its your body, your ambition and goal and I personally don't like huge muscly girls but if my gf wanted to do it I would support her 100%. Her goals are hers but if I can help her achieve them I would and I know she would do that for me.

Honestly if you do not do it what would happen if you begrudged him not letting you do it? He is married to you and does not own you.

Follow your heart get in the gym and go for it, you only live once and unless you are doing a lot of steroids you will not become a mass monster!


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## LittleMsMuscle

funkdocta said:


> Go for it I say!!
> 
> I don't have a type. Love strong muscular women as well as small petite ones! Variety is the spice of life!


Yes!! And the sign of a healthy and balanced point of view is to see appreciate the beauty in all types of women. I have a guy friend who told me once, there is something beautiful about every woman.


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## katerina

LittleMsMuscle said:


> I am sorry to hear about this conflict that has come up for you. I first got into bodybuilding when I was 14-15 and my mother stopped me, she told me that no-one will fancy me if I get muscular. 15 years later I finally decided to start living for me. I really regret not doing it sooner.
> 
> I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, will he really leave you if you pursue your dreams? What ever happened to "for better or for worse"
> 
> I don't think marriage is about compromising yourself and hiding who you are.
> 
> I am a coach and mentor to young women and my biggest piece of advice is, be who you are and the right people will love and respect you. Spread your wings and fly butterfly!!


Thanks thats very supportive 

In response to your question - no, he wouldn't leave me, . I don't want to make it sound like he's some kind of 'dream trampler', he isn't. We just do this 'cards on the table' thing where, we tell each other honestly, what we think. So he has told me, 'you know if you do it I will support you 100%, I will help you with the diet, I will support you with the training, etc' - but...he doesn't think he will find me as sexually attractive, as when I am tiny. Like if he asked me would I still love him if he was really obese - sure I would but I dont know if I would feel like banging him every day.

So I'm not worried about him leaving, I'm just worried about the consequences of having that ringing in my ears while we're going at it for the next 10 years....


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## LittleMsMuscle

I can't help but feel this is a really significant thread for women especially.

I have lost count how many times I have come across this issue where one partner isn't supported in their goals/dreams. This is why they come to me for coaching!

The sad thing is the damage that is done by the non-supportive partner/family member. It really isn't healthy to impose your own personal value system on someone else.


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## LittleMsMuscle

katerina said:


> Thanks thats very supportive
> 
> In response to your question - no, he wouldn't leave me, . I don't want to make it sound like he's some kind of 'dream trampler', he isn't. We just do this 'cards on the table' thing where, we tell each other honestly, what we think. So he has told me, 'you know if you do it I will support you 100%, I will help you with the diet, I will support you with the training, etc' - but...he doesn't think he will find me as sexually attractive, as when I am tiny. Like if he asked me would I still love him if he was really obese - sure I would but I dont know if I would feel like banging him every day.
> 
> So I'm not worried about him leaving, I'm just worried about the consequences of having that ringing in my ears while we're going at it for the next 10 years....


OKay, I think I understand where you are coming from now. It is about needing external validation and "permission" to pursue something extraordinary. OKAY well, I think you know yourself that this is not going to serve you.

You need to release the doubt and fear.


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## barsnack

if you don't fancy your partner, then there isn't a good relationship there...just keep training, and tell your boy to let you know when he thinks your getting close to being 'unattractive', then stop


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## Queenie

Tough one.

Have u been honest with hubby and told him u think it's your calling? I'm a believer of never letting anyone get in the way of your dreams, but a marriage is important, he's your soul mate.

Do u think he will just learn to love it as he loves and wants to support u?

imo u just need to sit down and be honest with him. Both are huge parts of your life so u need some symmetry there.


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## katerina

RXQueenie said:


> Tough one.
> 
> Have u been honest with hubby and told him u think it's your calling? I'm a believer of never letting anyone get in the way of your dreams, but a marriage is important, he's your soul mate.
> 
> Do u think he will just learn to love it as he loves and wants to support u?
> 
> imo u just need to sit down and be honest with him. Both are huge parts of your life so u need some symmetry there.


No I haven't told him how I really feel about it, not really, because, the second I do that, then its an unstoppable force. If I told him it was my dream and the only thing that was stopping me was my concern about being unattractive to him and putting a wedge in our marriage (u know with the lifestyle, the amount of commitment it takes, for something hes not committed to) he would probably flip me over his shoulder and run me down the gym himself.

This is what I mean he is a good person, a good husband. If he was just like 'no baby I dont want you to do that, you ain't doing it' I could be like 'well screw you I'm doing it' and it would be easier....?

Release the doubt and fear...release the doubt and fear...so valid in many areas of life 

(thanks for indulging me here btw this is more constructive advice than I've ever got from friends)


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## Cactus87

You won't be able to get massive and ripped like a female bodybuilder without taking some kind of steroids. Have you looked into Crossfit? A lot of ladies do that and a lot of them seem to be very athletic and muscular without being mass monsters


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## FlunkyTurtle

LittleMsMuscle said:


> OKay, I think I understand where you are coming from now. It is about needing external validation and "permission" to pursue something extraordinary. OKAY well, I think you know yourself that this is not going to serve you.
> 
> You need to release the doubt and fear.


While i agree you shouldnt be held back on something you want to do... dont you think your going a bit extreme here?

He's saying he wont find her as attractive if she gets "bulky" - She not being opressed...

Honestly i would sit down with your hubby and talk through what your looking to achieve, what you are aiming to look like and ask if he's unhappy with it.

Ultimately you need to change together or not be together (very extreme result...)

But at the same time if my other half really had an issue with my looking like Kai Greene i beleive there are more important things to life that just looking ripped.

This doesnt mean you need to stop, but it means find a compromise. If you truly feel that being in that particiular shape is more important than your marriage then you have your answer on what to do.

Just my 2p


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## Mingster

Why not suggest a compromise. Train for 6 months, let him see the results and decide whether he finds them unattractive. If he's open minded about this I bet he loves the new you.


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## Cactus87

Mingster said:


> Why not suggest a compromise. Train for 6 months, let him see the results and decide whether he finds them unattractive. If he's open minded about this I bet he loves the new you.


What man can say no to a squat booty?


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## LittleMsMuscle

Cactus87 said:


> What man can say no to a squat booty?


"Its okay if she bodybuilds, but only in a way that makes her more sexually desirable to men"


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## FlunkyTurtle

Cactus87 said:


> What man can say no to a squat booty?


I'd love a girl with an **** so tight it shatters my dick on impact :wub:


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## Cactus87

LittleMsMuscle said:


> "Its okay if she bodybuilds, but only in a way that makes her more sexually desirable to men"


 :cursing:

Not what i said.

All I was trying to say was that I`m sure after 6 months he`ll see how good she looks and the fact that he thought he wouldn't find her sexually attractive will go out the window. AND I can't see her husband having a problem with finding his wife sexually attractive.


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## Queenie

katerina said:


> No I haven't told him how I really feel about it, not really, because, the second I do that, then its an unstoppable force. If I told him it was my dream and the only thing that was stopping me was my concern about being unattractive to him and putting a wedge in our marriage (u know with the lifestyle, the amount of commitment it takes, for something hes not committed to) he would probably flip me over his shoulder and run me down the gym himself.
> 
> This is what I mean he is a good person, a good husband. If he was just like 'no baby I dont want you to do that, you ain't doing it' I could be like 'well screw you I'm doing it' and it would be easier....?
> 
> Release the doubt and fear...release the doubt and fear...so valid in many areas of life
> 
> (thanks for indulging me here btw this is more constructive advice than I've ever got from friends)


I don't even think there's conflict here.

If u tell him, he will support u. He can decide later on if he likes the new u or not. it doesn't change u as a person.

The issue is... are u actually ready for the unstoppable force???  It's gonna happen lol.


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## Mingster

Look on the bright side OP. Your husband could be a lot worse judging by some of the stuff posted here:no:


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## LittleMsMuscle

Cactus87 said:


> :cursing:
> 
> Not what i said.
> 
> All I was trying to say was that I`m sure after 6 months he`ll see how good she looks and the fact that he thought he wouldn't find her sexually attractive will go out the window. AND I can't see her husband having a problem with finding his wife sexually attractive.


OK then


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## FlunkyTurtle

LittleMsMuscle said:


> "Its okay if she bodybuilds, but only in a way that makes her more sexually desirable to men"


A bit extreme dont you think?


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## LittleMsMuscle

RXQueenie said:


> The issue is... are u actually ready for the unstoppable force???  It's gonna happen lol.


You are spot on Queenie.


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## LittleMsMuscle

FlunkyTurtle said:


> A bit extreme dont you think?


It is merely a point of view, and it is a nagging voice that MANY women will identify with. Its about societal expectations of women, their bodies and their sense of self worth.

All I am doing is highlighting how comments like that can be misconstrued.

At the end of the day, body image and self worth is directly linked to what women think men want as opposed to what they want. It takes a real maverick to feel beautiful whilst adopting an unconventional bodytype/style.

Lets not turn this into a binary-thinking argument and appreciate the deeper issues and move on.


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## katerina

Cactus87 said:


> You won't be able to get massive and ripped like a female bodybuilder without taking some kind of steroids. Have you looked into Crossfit? A lot of ladies do that and a lot of them seem to be very athletic and muscular without being mass monsters


I tried Crossfit yeah. Honestly not for me. The workouts are so random, you dont get to pick what you're doing before you arrive, you have no control over what you do that day, there was a *lot* of whooping and high fiving and they want to be your best buddy and post photos of everything you do on facebook. I wish I'd enjoyed it more because some of the workouts were pretty cool. Tyre flipping <3


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## LittleMsMuscle

katerina said:


> I tried Crossfit yeah. Honestly not for me. The workouts are so random, you dont get to pick what you're doing before you arrive, you have no control over what you do that day, there was a *lot* of whooping and high fiving and they want to be your best buddy and post photos of everything you do on facebook. I wish I'd enjoyed it more because some of the workouts were pretty cool. Tyre flipping <3


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## Guest

katerina said:


> Just looking for some perspective/experience here.
> 
> I'm 30 this year. I was overweight teenager, into my early 20s. Got together with partner when I was 19, lost a load of weight through cardio/dieting (partner very supportive, helps me train, 'I love you however you are', etc). Got married couple of years ago, sex is great, happy/healthy life together.
> 
> Last year I started lifting, almost by accident, really love it. I do mostly compound lifts in the gym but started branching out into other stuff too, I enjoy the feeling, I always thought I wanted to be thin and pretty but feeling strong is good. Its helped our sex life, husband is proud of me and keeps saying how good I look.
> 
> Through friends a few months ago started going to bodybuilding gym and this is where problems have started. Husband doesn't want me to have that kind of body shape, doesn't like the lifestyle/diet that goes with it, thinks I will become addicted to lifting and/or steroids. He's overall incredibly supportive of my goals and achievements I dont want to make it sound like hes some asshole (paid for some of my college,happily waves me off on holidays with my friends, no jealousy issues etc) but says he 'just doesn't fancy birds with big muscles'. At least he's honest with me.
> 
> I just feel its like a calling for me, I really want to jump right in and get massive. Don't know what to do. My friends opinions are mostly the same as his 'you will look like a freak' etc etc, apart from a few gym buddies who 'get it'. When I see the girls at the bb gym I just think, damn, I want to look like that/train like that/achieve that. I can't stop thinking about it. But&#8230;my marriage is everything to me.
> 
> Any thoughts?


Firstly I would say, don't run before you can walk, one week a month or even a year is a long time, you have no idea what you may want in the near future, and there's no point ruining what you have in the present. This so called, calling..May change, never say never, you want to be massive, well that will take a bloody long time.

I would say in the past, my mindset was that to be strong you had to be big, well that's nonsense, and it takes experience to realise this sometimes. Train, see how it goes, and only then you will realise what effort it will take to achieve such dreams. I do believe this has to be compromise on both parties, but that's for the future to decide, and what path that brings.

Lastly, all the best for that future.


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## a.notherguy

whats most important to you? your marriage or the gym


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## Cactus87

LittleMsMuscle said:


> It is merely a point of view, and it is a nagging voice that MANY women will identify with. Its about societal expectations of women, their bodies and their sense of self worth.
> 
> All I am doing is highlighting how comments like that can be misconstrued.
> 
> At the end of the day, body image and self worth is directly linked to what women think men want as opposed to what they want. It takes a real maverick to feel beautiful whilst adopting an unconventional bodytype/style.
> 
> Lets not turn this into a binary-thinking argument and appreciate the deeper issues and move on.


Part of the OPs original post was about her husband not finding her as attractive if she body builds. As a man who finds women attractive I was just saying (in a light hearted manner) that I`m sure after 6 months he will most definitely find her attractive. I`m sure OP didnt find what I said offensive, if they did then I`ll apologise. But please climb off your high horse...


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## Bear2012

a.notherguy said:


> whats most important to you? your marriage or the gym


She should be able to do both! In a relationship you don't pick and choose what suits you. You take the good with the bad and you both should support each other


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## Cactus87

katerina said:


> I tried Crossfit yeah. Honestly not for me. The workouts are so random, you dont get to pick what you're doing before you arrive, you have no control over what you do that day, there was a *lot* of whooping and high fiving and they want to be your best buddy and post photos of everything you do on facebook. I wish I'd enjoyed it more because some of the workouts were pretty cool. Tyre flipping <3


Fair enough. I like the principles of it, but I also would like a more structured program to follow so I agree with you on that. The whole group session/high fiving is not my cup of tea either...


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## FlunkyTurtle

LittleMsMuscle said:


> It is merely a point of view, and it is a nagging voice that MANY women will identify with. Its about societal expectations of women, their bodies and their sense of self worth.
> 
> All I am doing is highlighting how comments like that can be misconstrued.
> 
> At the end of the day, body image and self worth is directly linked to what women think men want as opposed to what they want. It takes a real maverick to feel beautiful whilst adopting an unconventional bodytype/style.
> 
> Lets not turn this into a binary-thinking argument and appreciate the deeper issues and move on.


The way you wrote it was not clear but fair enough.

You must therefore agree that the same expectation is also on men?

Bottom line we're all piles of goop trying to spread our genes, our bodies are designed to do it. I also strongly feel that the way we are attracted to people is based on strong genetics but thats just an opinion.


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## katerina

LittleMsMuscle said:


> It is merely a point of view, and it is a nagging voice that MANY women will identify with. Its about societal expectations of women, their bodies and their sense of self worth.
> 
> All I am doing is highlighting how comments like that can be misconstrued.
> 
> At the end of the day, body image and self worth is directly linked to what women think men want as opposed to what they want. It takes a real maverick to feel beautiful whilst adopting an unconventional bodytype/style.
> 
> Lets not turn this into a binary-thinking argument and appreciate the deeper issues and move on.


You're really spot on with this eh. Its an internal battle really.


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## katerina

Mingster said:


> Why not suggest a compromise. Train for 6 months, let him see the results and decide whether he finds them unattractive. If he's open minded about this I bet he loves the new you.


This sounds good.


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## LittleMsMuscle

FlunkyTurtle said:


> The way you wrote it was not clear but fair enough.
> 
> You must therefore agree that the same expectation is also on men?
> 
> Bottom line we're all piles of goop trying to spread our genes, our bodies are designed to do it. I also strongly feel that the way we are attracted to people is based on strong genetics but thats just an opinion.


I think that the scars run deep in women regarding body image and that ultimately, men still have more autonomy and choice with how they look and what bodytype they choose to have, as long as they aren't "fat".

But on the whole yes, you are totally right - both men and women are now under pressure to have the "unobtainable"


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## a.notherguy

Bear2012 said:


> She should be able to do both! In a relationship you don't pick and choose what suits you. You take the good with the bad and you both should support each other


its a 2 way thing tho. why cant he say that he doesnt find muscly women attractive? would you all be so caustic towards the bloke if his missus had turned into a 20 stone fatty and he didnt find her attractive?


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## IGotTekkers

Huntingground said:


> A marriage is a big commitment and sometimes you have to make sacrifices for it to work.


This. I love my mrs but if she came to me and said i wanna bic my head and get fat like a truck driver i would say good luck see ya laters.

But without steroids you wont get big and muscley, so just dont use steroids.


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## Mingster

katerina said:


> This sounds good.


It will give him a chance to see for himself whether his fears are justified or not. Can't say fairer than that to him really...


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## Bear2012

7 years ago I met my girlfriend I was pretty buff and was around 8% body fat and she loved it. Over the years I bulked up for various fights and ended up being 105kg last year. I lost around 22kg and got to back around 10% and got the abs back and was pretty vascular and she hated the look! The look that first attracted her to me!

She told me I laughed and said its my goal for this year. She said ok I'll get used to it and that was the end of it. In the end she joined in with my cardio sessions and ended up getting a lot leaner herself and more muscular which I loved. I'm now trying to get her to lean out again for this summer lol

Thing is maybe you can involve him as well? My gf started cooking low carb meals for us both and whilst I was very strict she was not so strict but she joined in with even though she did not overly like the transformation.


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## katerina

Hafpor said:


> Firstly I would say, don't run before you can walk, one week a month or even a year is a long time, you have no idea what you may want in the near future, and there's no point ruining what you have in the present. This so called, calling..May change, never say never, you want to be massive, well that will take a bloody long time.
> 
> I would say in the past, my mindset was that to be strong you had to be big, well that's nonsense, and it takes experience to realise this sometimes. Train, see how it goes, and only then you will realise what effort it will take to achieve such dreams. I do believe this has to be compromise on both parties, but that's for the future to decide, and what path that brings.
> 
> Lastly, all the best for that future.


That makes a lot of sense too, thank you.


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## Bear2012

a.notherguy said:


> its a 2 way thing tho. why cant he say that he doesnt find muscly women attractive? would you all be so caustic towards the bloke if his missus had turned into a 20 stone fatty and he didnt find her attractive?


I don't like fat women but I would say to my missus if she got fat "Oi chunk your fat I don't like it get your ass in the gym"


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## katerina

IGotTekkers said:


> This. I love my mrs but if she came to me and said i wanna bic my head and get fat like a truck driver i would say good luck see ya laters.
> 
> But without steroids you wont get big and muscley, so just dont use steroids.


I don't really know what to say to that. You love her as long as she has hair and is thin. Fair enough but...idk.


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## a.notherguy

Bear2012 said:


> I don't like fat women but I would say to my missus if she got fat "Oi chunk your fat I don't like it get your ass in the gym"


but you wouldnt be happy about it would ya?

i just think that there is too much 'its your life, do what you want' going on in marriages, i personally think that is wrong as once people have decided to get married, their decisions affect each other.

whilst agreeing with people that there is alot of pressure put on women by the media to look like godesses, the same media also put alot of pressure (mainly on women) to 5hit all over their spouses in the name of being 'free'. if a man or woman wants to be free, they should not be married.


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## FlunkyTurtle

LittleMsMuscle said:


> I think that the scars run deep in women regarding body image and that ultimately, men still have more autonomy and choice with how they look and what bodytype they choose to have, as long as they aren't "fat".
> 
> But on the whole yes, you are totally right - both men and women are now under pressure to have the "unobtainable"


I think it's hard to see both sides fully to make a judgement of "who's under more pressure" because you'd have to live life under the same circumstances from birth untill death as both a female and a male.

Ultimately it's impossible to therefore be biased.

That being said i've never had any interest from women except after i started training because it was the only way i was given the time of day.

Has my personality changed? not in the slightest. My observations is that women are just as superficial as men. Both as bad as each other really.


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## Beats

in before divorce


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## katerina

I guess its worth saying that, I was really fat when we got together, size 18, he wasn't, he was fit and healthy and strong. And he never put any pressure on me to lose weight but was really happy when I did and cheerleaded me the whole way.

So yeah I have a history of bad body image, I know how it feels to be in bed with someone and not feel good about yourself and want the lights out etc.

You know when you guys say if you dont take steroids/test you won't end up as huge/muscly. How far does that go. How much can a woman achieve through a natural bb program rather than taking steroids?


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## Guest

katerina said:


> That makes a lot of sense too, thank you.


No problem......everything changes, I'm not the same person I was, and I definitely think that applies to my wife also.

Just do what you need to do to train, lifting weights can be life long, see how your attitude and your husbands change over the coming months, then you will have a greater understanding..

Personally I've never looked better, but will honestly say, I'm no happier, but that's just me, were all different, and this could be the greatest thing you may ever do.

One thing I constantly do is ( predicting the future of things we don't know ) but will say this, don't waste what time you have left, life is to short believe me. Make everything count!!!


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## LittleMsMuscle

a.notherguy said:


> but you wouldnt be happy about it would ya?
> 
> i just think that there is too much 'its your life, do what you want' going on in marriages, i personally think that is wrong as once people have decided to get married, their decisions affect each other.
> 
> whilst agreeing with people that there is alot of pressure put on women by the media to look like godesses, the same media also put alot of pressure (mainly on women) to 5hit all over their spouses in the name of being 'free'. if a man or woman wants to be free, they should not be married.


What's going on is that the west has become predominantly "individualistic" and now, due to conflicting VALUES, people are less likely to get married and more likely to separate. The issue isn't about the definition of marriage it is the fact that as human beings living in today's Western society, we still haven't learned to discuss values with openness and honesty before making a commitment like marriage or having kids.

We still choose partners based on outdated partnership models and expect that to work. If you want the old model then you will have to go east.


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## Bear2012

a.notherguy said:


> but you wouldnt be happy about it would ya?
> 
> i just think that there is too much 'its your life, do what you want' going on in marriages, i personally think that is wrong as once people have decided to get married, their decisions affect each other.
> 
> whilst agreeing with people that there is alot of pressure put on women by the media to look like godesses, the same media also put alot of pressure (mainly on women) to 5hit all over their spouses in the name of being 'free'. if a man or woman wants to be free, they should not be married.


I'm not married to my gf but we own a house together have a life together and lived with each other for the last 6 1/2 years. She is my partner and my soul mate. I do not own her she has her own life and is her own person just as I am. We discuss everything and its an honest and loyal relationship but she don't need me to tell her what to do where to go who to see. We surf, climb mountains, hike, train together but she has a life outside of our r-ship. We all need freedom to explore our own life's and I would support anything she wanted to do as she would me. We are together not because we need each other but because we want to share our lives with one another.


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## IGotTekkers

katerina said:


> I don't really know what to say to that. You love her as long as she has hair and is thin. Fair enough but...idk.


no, i would always love her, but i think for a relationship to succeed you actually need to fancey the person. Attraction is kind of a big deal unless you are just 'settling' for whatever you can get.


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## a.notherguy

LittleMsMuscle said:


> What's going on is that the west has become predominantly "individualistic" and now, due to conflicting VALUES, people are less likely to get married and more likely to separate. The issue isn't about the definition of marriage it is the fact that as human beings living in today's Western society, we still haven't learned to discuss values with openness and honesty before making a commitment like marriage or having kids.
> 
> We still choose partners based on outdated partnership models and expect that to work. If you want the old model then you will have to go east.


i agree in part but think you have made a sweeping generalisation there. alot of people can and still do openly discuss everything before making commitments. i think alot of problems come around because as soon as someone gets an itch to do something, they are told to scratch it regardless of the effect it will have on their partner/marriage/relationship


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## Ian_Montrose

Older man's perspective here. Marriage is a long-haul commitment, ideally for life. Over the years both partners will change physically in countless different ways. My wife has been thin, fat, and everything in between. Bringing six kids into the world has left her with stretch marks that make her look like an Ordnance Survey map of the Cairngorms. I love her regardless. I'll still love her when she's old and grey with t!ts like spaniels ears. I care far more for what's in her heart and in her head than the skin she is wrapped in.

Do what you want to do. It is your body, not his, and if he truly loves you he will continue to do so no matter what shape you are physically.


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## a.notherguy

Bear2012 said:


> I'm not married to my gf but we own a house together have a life together and lived with each other for the last 6 1/2 years. She is my partner and my soul mate. I do not own her she has her own life and is her own person just as I am. We discuss everything and its an honest and loyal relationship but she don't need me to tell her what to do where to go who to see. We surf, climb mountains, hike, train together but she has a life outside of our r-ship. We all need freedom to explore our own life's and I would support anything she wanted to do as she would me. We are together not because we need each other but because we want to share our lives with one another.


but would you purposefully do something that you knew she wouldnt like and would possibly end up with her not finding you attractive anymore and risk what you have?


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## LittleMsMuscle

a.notherguy said:


> i agree in part but think you have made a sweeping generalisation there. alot of people can and still do openly discuss everything before making commitments. i think alot of problems come around because as soon as someone gets an itch to do something, they are told to scratch it regardless of the effect it will have on their partner/marriage/relationship


Yes I do use sweeping generalisations to make a point. Individualism vs Collectivism is a hot potato in marital / cohabitation / relationships debates.


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## Bear2012

Ian_Montrose said:


> Older man's perspective here. Marriage is a long-haul commitment, ideally for life. Over the years both partners will change physically in countless different ways. My wife has been thin, fat, and everything in between. Bringing six kids into the world has left her with stretch marks that make her look like an Ordnance Survey map of the Cairngorms. I love her regardless. I'll still love her when she's old and grey with t!ts like spaniels ears. I care far more for what's in her heart and in her head than the skin she is wrapped in.
> 
> Do what you want to do. It is your body, not his, and if he truly loves you he will continue to do so no matter what shape you are physically.


Exactly how it should be


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## a.notherguy

LittleMsMuscle said:


> Yes I do use sweeping generalisations to make a point. Individualism vs Collectivism is a hot potato in marital / cohabitation / relationships debates.


im not sure i understand what you mean by that lol.

i will just stick with my first post, it all depends on what matters to the op the most, her marriage or the gym.


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## LittleMsMuscle

a.notherguy said:


> im not sure i understand what you mean by that lol.
> 
> i will just stick with my first post, it all depends on what matters to the op the most, her marriage or the gym.


That sounds like an ultimatum. That is a prime example of "binary" thinking which is generally deemed to be damaging and destructive in relationships in this society. I still think you need to go East lol!


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## Bear2012

a.notherguy said:


> but would you purposefully do something that you knew she wouldnt like and would possibly end up with her not finding you attractive anymore and risk what you have?


I would discuss it with her and listen to her side but I know she would respect my decision. Like I said she did not like it too much when I leaned out and it took her some getting used to. She hated seeing the muscle separation and the veins but she loves me for who I am not what I look like (just as well really lol)

I think @ Ian Montrose said it best in his post. Fat thin young old you love that person you love them its that simple.


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## FlunkyTurtle

Bear2012 said:


> I'm not married to my gf but we own a house together have a life together and lived with each other for the last 6 1/2 years. She is my partner and my soul mate. I do not own her she has her own life and is her own person just as I am. We discuss everything and its an honest and loyal relationship but she don't need me to tell her what to do where to go who to see. We surf, climb mountains, hike, train together but she has a life outside of our r-ship. We all need freedom to explore our own life's and I would support anything she wanted to do as she would me. We are together not because we need each other but because we want to share our lives with one another.


What i would do to have this!


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## LittleMsMuscle

Bear2012 said:


> I would discuss it with her and listen to her side but I know she would respect my decision. Like I said she did not like it too much when I leaned out and it took her some getting used to. She hated seeing the muscle separation and the veins but she loves me for who I am not what I look like (just as well really lol)
> 
> I think @ Ian Montrose said it best in his post. Fat thin young old you love that person you love them its that simple.


Love is a powerful force. My parents taught me that you can love someone, be devoted to them forever, regardless of how their body changes over the years - then again, their VALUES were 100% compatible.


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## katerina

Bear2012 said:


> I think @ Ian Montrose said it best in his post. Fat thin young old you love that person you love them its that simple.


Thats true and really the 'love' is the easy part. Yes he loves and respects me thats not going to change overnight.

What I'm worried about losing (and what littlemsmuscle touched on and also a.notherguy but in different ways) is the 'damn you look sexy' part, which I just really bask in and rely on I guess for self esteem. I guess Ian Montrose is right we're not always going to have that through our whole marriage anyway. Especially with kids or as we get older.

But I'm not going to beast overnight am I. Diet needs to be tweaked. Can increase times I go to the gym, start a better training program, take it a step at a time.


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## LittleMsMuscle

FlunkyTurtle said:


> What i would do to have this!


It is the ideal situation, in my opinion.


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## Bear2012

FlunkyTurtle said:


> What i would do to have this!


It took a long time to get it! Many r-ships fell to the wayside and glad they did!

She will come along for you one day ;-)


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## katerina

Hmm for some reason my last post is waiting to be moderated.


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## a.notherguy

LittleMsMuscle said:


> That sounds like an ultimatum. That is a prime example of "binary" thinking which is generally deemed to be damaging and destructive in relationships in this society. I still think you need to go East lol!


it wasnt an ultimatum, it was a genuine question that i believe should be asked. i must be old fashioned then because i consider my partner before i do something. i think that it would be more damaging and destructive for me to be completely selfish in a relationship and do what i wanted, when i wanted with no consideration of how it would effect things, just the expectation that she would shup up and put up.

and as for me going east? i have said all along that men and women should put each other first. not that women should put men first.


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## LittleMsMuscle

a.notherguy said:


> it wasnt an ultimatum, it was a genuine question that i believe should be asked. i must be old fashioned then because i consider my partner before i do something. i think that it would be more damaging and destructive for me to be completely selfish in a relationship and do what i wanted, when i wanted with no consideration of how it would effect things, just the expectation that she would shup up and put up.
> 
> and as for me going east? i have said all along that men and women should put each other first. not that women should put men first.


Okay well what you are saying here contradicts your previous comment of "your partner or the gym" because it implies an ultimatum. Now you are saying due consideration and a "discussion" with your partner and everyone here has been saying that all along.

Anyways, the lovely lady has already said that a lot of her fears are really to with her own internal conflict, so at this stage the debate about values and pursuing "individualistic" goals within a marriage, seems somewhat moot.


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## GaryMatt

My wife just didn't want me around people. Like, at all. Just do what I did. Simply begin to purchase everything you need and put it where ever you desire.

I need a squat rack and at least 350 pounds to lift ----> Living Room

I need a bench -----> Den

It's cheaper to go to a gym. It'll work=)


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## FlunkyTurtle

Bear2012 said:


> It took a long time to get it! Many r-ships fell to the wayside and glad they did!
> 
> She will come along for you one day ;-)


Lets hope so


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## a.notherguy

LittleMsMuscle said:


> Okay well what you are saying here contradicts your previous comment of "your partner or the gym" because it implies an ultimatum. Now you are saying due consideration and a "discussion" with your partner and everyone here has been saying that all along.
> 
> Anyways, the lovely lady has already said that a lot of her fears are really to with her own internal conflict, so at this stage the debate about values and pursuing "individualistic" goals within a marriage, seems somewhat moot.


there is no contradiction. if you think there is then you are reading it into my posts.


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## 2004mark

I can sort of humour people coming on here and asking what to do with gf/bf issues... but you're married... can't you figure this out yourself. No one on here knows your relationship.

If I were him and found out you were discussing this with strangers I'd hit the ****ing roof lol


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## katerina

2004mark said:


> I can sort of humour people coming on here and asking what to do with gf/bf issues... but you're married... can't you figure this out yourself. No one on here knows your relationship.
> 
> If I were him and found out you were discussing this with strangers I'd hit the ****ing roof lol


Really, that surprises me. I'm anonymous here, and I dont really see whats wrong with getting different perspectives on a problem anonymously, before 'figuring it out for myself'. Its not like I'm talking to his/our mates about it, or down the pub.

Each to their own huh.


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