# Need to win my wife back. Left her On Cycle



## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

I had been on a year long cycle and it had changed me so much. I became a totally different person to the one everyone knew.

I was shouting at the kids, arguing over anything with the wife and even fell out with my best friend and business partner over nothing. It was pathetic and its clear steroids arent for me at the doses I was taking.

My wife and I both agreed it was best I leave for the sake of the kids. We couldnt carry on like that in front of them. I had also become a depressed recluse and shy'd away from social events with her family or friends, all I was interested in was working out, that and my diet was priorty. I totally neglected her. I loved the attention I was getting from other girls but I never followed it up, I never cheated on my wife but she was convinced I was cheating after she saw a Clairvoyant who toldnher I was having an affair with her friend!!! It all got so crazy that I moved out 2-3 months back and left her in the beautiful house I had worked all my life to buy. I wasnt even bothered.

I came off cycle 6 weeks back and have gradually returned to my senses. Even my wife said to me the other day that the old me was back and said "where have you been"??

I came clean and confessed and broke down like a baby at the shame of what I had done. I told her I still love her sooo much and I would never touch drugs again. I adore her. She said if I'd told her this a few months ago it wouldve been fine but now she was happy with her new life. She also said that maybe after I get therapy for my problems we will see what happens. I've taken this as a glimmer of hope but not sure if she is just saying that. We still get on great and she told me the other night we were more like best friends. We stayed up chatting til 5am and we were more open than ever, but it felt so weird just giving her a hug when I was leaving when we normally would've had sex. She was even telling me about guys she'd been recently interested in and suggested I get on Tinder and such.

I really don't know how to go about winning her back as I am heartbroken. I split my family up over nothing. 12 years down the drain.

I talked to her Mum yesterday and apologised for my behaviour and she said all my wife wanted was the old me back and hoped we could resolve our differences but it may take a long time as I deeply hurt her with the nasty things I said. To be honest I cant even remember what I said, I feel like Ive just woken from a coma and everything has changed.

My worry is it's too late and I have left it too long. She is used to life now without me but is also now very confused. I have fried her head with all this. She has spent 4 months getting over me and now all this! If we can't work things out then I will have to move away to deal with it all which means I will miss my kids but I cant stay here as the thought of her with another man would crucify me.

I just want to make things right but I'm confused how to. :confused1: I can't blow this.


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## FelonE1 (Dec 23, 2013)

Just talk to her, don't mention getting back together but just ask her if she needs help with anything etc. Try and be there for her and let her see you're not like that anymore. Sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in what you're doing and not see how it's affecting the people around you. A lad at my gym was in the same kind of situation and nearly broke down telling me, felt really bad for him. Told him the same thing and they were back together not long after.


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## DC1 (May 5, 2014)

Time heals mate. Hopefully she'll come around and if not then it wasn't meant to happen and you need to move on.

Good luck with it all.


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## BettySwallocks (Aug 1, 2012)

Im probably the worst person to take any form of relationship advice from, so I won't waste our time by giving you any.

I do wish you luck though, I was in a similar situation a while ago, after being apart for 4 months (due to me being a knob on steroids) I was a broken man, couldn't cope with work or even life in general, I was begging her to take me back every single day, in the end she turned around and told me she was happy with her new life without me and didn't love me any more.

Fast forward a few months later and we were back together, and still are up to this day, despite me nearly fvcking things up many times along the way, but that's a whole other story.

Jist of what i'm trying to say is, don't completely lose all hope, only time will tell what the future holds.


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## lotus (May 30, 2009)

Was tren involved by any chance ?


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## bigjonny (Jan 6, 2009)

Hope you get things sorted mate, I've been in the same situation and know what it feels like


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

FelonE said:


> Just talk to her, don't mention getting back together but just ask her if she needs help with anything etc. Try and be there for her and let her see you're not like that anymore. Sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in what you're doing and not see how it's affecting the people around you. A lad at my gym was in the same kind of situation and nearly broke down telling me, felt really bad for him. Told him the same thing and they were back together not long after.


Yeh I have been doing that. The worst thing you can do is go begging for them back. I talk to her everyday over the kids etc and quite often she rings me for advice on something but she knows how down I am at the moment.

She's been really supportive of me over the last week so I bought her a lovely bouquet of flowers today and a thank-you card in which I wrote that I was blown away by the way she was helping me and no matter what the outcome of all this I would always love her. When I gave her them this morning she just put the flowers to one side and didnt open the card so I thought it was silly of me to do this but she's just sent me a message saying thanks for the card followed by a kiss.


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## Archaic (Mar 8, 2010)

Not to sound harsh, but if your ex of 12yrs is fcuking around on tinder already, and advising you to do the same - then the feeling of love between the both of you is not mutual mate.

You've already said she sees you as more of a friend than lover/ soul mate.


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

lotus said:


> Was tren involved by any chance ?


Nope. I actually bought some and left it untouched as I knew it would send me ape. I was just on Test and Primo along with a few orals.

Sad thing is at the time she was begging me to stop taking steroids and I just told her she was being silly and carried on.


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## FelonE1 (Dec 23, 2013)

John J Rambo said:


> Yeh I have been doing that. The worst thing you can do is go begging for them back. I talk to her everyday over the kids etc and quite often she rings me for advice on something but she knows how down I am at the moment.
> 
> She's been really supportive of me over the last week so I bought her a lovely bouquet of flowers today and a thank-you card in which I wrote that I was blown away by the way she was helping me and no matter what the outcome of all this I would always love her. When I gave her them this morning she just put the flowers to one side and didnt open the card so I thought it was silly of me to do this but she's just sent me a message saying thanks for the card followed by a kiss.


You're doing all the right things mate. She obviously still cares about you. Keep doing what you're doing. We all need a wake up call every now and again to remind us what we've got. It's easy to take it all for granted. Best of luck to you mate, you seem like a genuine bloke.


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

Archaic said:


> Not to sound harsh, but if your ex of 12yrs is fcuking around on tinder already, and advising you to do the same - then the feeling of love between the both of you is not mutual mate.
> 
> You've already said she sees you as more of a friend than lover/ soul mate.


She said she was only looking because her mate got her onto it. I did say to her you don't hang about replacing me and she said she lost me back in May and had been on her own for 7 months


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## lotus (May 30, 2009)

John J Rambo said:


> Nope. I actually bought some and left it untouched as I knew it would send me ape. I was just on Test and Primo along with a few orals.
> 
> Sad thing is at the time she was begging me to stop taking steroids and I just told her she was being silly and carried on.


It's a really good job you didn't take the tren I found that in a completely different league of head fcuking . Can't give you advice on the relationship as only you know what to do but good luck whatever you go for


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## IGotTekkers (Jun 6, 2012)

Sad to hear that mate. But in all honesty for her to say she's enjoying her new life then it is for the best as she doesn't deserve you if you are now clear and back to normal. What are her friends like? Get amongst it mate.


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## sneeky_dave (Apr 2, 2013)

If your a good man it should shine through


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## dannythinx (Oct 4, 2014)

Mate you've come clean and she probably doesn't want to throw away 12 years as much as you do. Now she knows why you were acting like a jerk she can make sense of it all and understand it wasn't her fault. She probably now feels she's in more control then you and the balls in her court as you are the one begging her back. Chase her like mad as that is what she wants you todo and prove how much you love her. If you do that right she'll soften and after a while forgive you. As for the tinder thing it's a scare tactic she wants you to feel that dread in the pit of your stomach as she has been feeling. Even if she is on there it doesn't mean anything really shed rather have you as your the father to her children. Going to her mum is a good idea as women take advice on board from there mums, just be apologetic sincere and loving and over time she will forgive you.


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## Smitch (Dec 29, 2008)

John J Rambo said:


> She said she was only looking because her mate got her onto it. I did say to her you don't hang about replacing me and she said she lost me back in May and had been on her own for 7 months


Sounds like she's moved on already.

If she's on dating sites it's likely that it's all over, have you asked her if she's slept with/been seeing anyone else?


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## Archaic (Mar 8, 2010)

John J Rambo said:


> She said she was only looking because her mate got her onto it. I did say to her you don't hang about replacing me and she said she lost me back in May and had been on her own for 7 months


She's still told you to get on there tho? Tinder is just a [email protected] app mate, not a relationship finder.

If you can go back to your Mrs of 12yrs knowing she has been getting pumped by god knows how many muts off tinder (and after just 2 months of splitting up aswell) then fair play to you, but I know that'd be it for me.

I don't believe the Test is to blame either mate, you have general social anxiety disorder and depression from what you've said in your first post. That is why you have not been yourself. Have you talked to your GP regarding how you've been feeling lately?


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## andyhuggins (Nov 21, 2008)

John J Rambo said:


> I had been on a year long cycle and it had changed me so much. I became a totally different person to the one everyone knew.
> 
> I was shouting at the kids, arguing over anything with the wife and even fell out with my best friend and business partner over nothing. It was pathetic and its clear steroids arent for me at the doses I was taking.
> 
> ...


If she is listening to a clairvoyant and believing them. You are fcuked tbh.


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## naturalun (Mar 21, 2014)

From married to ultimate friend zone. Another one has fallen.


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## Sams (Nov 3, 2013)

John J Rambo said:


> I had been on a year long cycle and it had changed me so much. I became a totally different person to the one everyone knew.
> 
> I was shouting at the kids, arguing over anything with the wife and even fell out with my best friend and business partner over nothing. It was pathetic and its clear steroids arent for me at the doses I was taking.
> 
> ...


While your single (technically) smash whatever slags you can until you get back with her, will make it easier and you can look back and think it was worth while or you have gone through all that for nothing, take positives from negatives.


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## Jammy Dodger (Nov 2, 2014)

Sams said:


> While your single (technically) smash whatever slags you can until you get back with her, will make it easier and you can look back and think it was worth while or you have gone through all that for nothing, take positives from negatives.


Until he ends up on TV doing a lie detector test with Jeremy Kyle shouting abuse at him.


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## Catweazle (Oct 23, 2014)

Try starting all over again, ask her to go out for maybe a meal and maybe a club afterwards.

I'd also try and get her to see another clairvoyant


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## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

Phewwww if this is a genuine post ( and ya just never know) it was the saddest thing I ever read...and I'm usually an ice queen with this stuff!! I think some of the advice given is pooooooo! I doubt she did tinder and u know her better than anyone some of these guys on here got dumped by an ex and been crying ever since  so course they gonna tell u she's doing this and that...but only u truly know her. As a woman I'd doubt that she would throw away 12yrs if they were ok and only failed due to this one blip..but again only u know how the marriage was previous to this and that's maybe what u should be looking at. Whether ur male or female mostly mates advice is always going to be 'see someone else' so yh maybe this is where the tinder comment came from. I know u say u came clean now but in that short time u were being a pain in ass sounds like her life could have been awful and now she's through that she might be saying ur 'the friend' because it's easier to see u like that ...but who's she trying to convince u or herself..u should step back with her just see ya kids and as someone said maybe not mention the' getting back together' time will tell I guess. Good luck.


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## HDU (Jul 27, 2012)

Were you on tren?


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## BLUE(UK) (Jan 9, 2008)

HDU said:


> Were you on tren?


Read his posts...he's already answered that.

OP, she's probably said about the Tinder thing to try and hurt you like you did her and make you realise what it's like to not feel wanted.


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## HDU (Jul 27, 2012)

BLUE(UK) said:


> Read his posts...he's already answered that.
> 
> OP, she's probably said about the Tinder thing to try and hurt you like you did her and make you realise what it's like to not feel wanted.


OP was too long.

Bus test and primo made his head fvck like that? The fvck. Usually tren is that. OP you sure you weren't on TREN?


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## BLUE(UK) (Jan 9, 2008)

HDU said:


> OP was too long.
> 
> Bus test and primo made his head fvck like that? The fvck. Usually tren is that. OP you sure you weren't on TREN?


He posted that he bought some but didn't use it.

It wasn't in the opening post but one later.


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## Kristina (Apr 12, 2014)

Personally, I believe that there is a lot of hope to be had. She's showing positive signs that I don't think she'd show if she was adamant on moving on.

Just continue doing exactly as you are; be there for her, be her friend, but most importantly prove this 'change' in yourself to her consistently. In my opinion, women want to be proved wrong and will be almost stubborn in a certain way because they want to build the trust and the faith in the relationship (particularly if a big mistake was made). She will probably get to a stage where she feels 'safe' with you again, if you continue as you are going.

It sounds to me like you have the right approach and admirable morals/values in building your relationship with her again. I'm sure it will pay off.


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## ellisrimmer (Sep 9, 2012)

Be a man and go take your house and woman back before some sly Hugh Grant **** starts creeping round her


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## Huntingground (Jan 10, 2010)

Family comes before everything, you have made a mistake, it is now time to make amends. Still be a man with your own self respect, but you need to prove to wife and kids that you are the man/father that they want you to be.

All of this sh1te, steroids, lifting etc, is just a game, family comes first, sometimes it is easy to forget.

My best wishes, hope the kids are OK, they are the most important, not you or the wife.


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## andyhuggins (Nov 21, 2008)

maybe your wife doesn't like the way you look? hence your previous posts?


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## Archaic (Mar 8, 2010)

I'm not trying to sound sexist, biast, or one sided here btw. I'm just picking up on what the OP has said, the facts.

1. His ex Mrs is apparently happy.

2. She brought up Tinder, and encouraged him to go on it too.

3. They spent the entire night talking till 5am, then give him a friend hug at the end and stated she see's him as a friend....

They are not things a person in love with you for 12yrs would do - if they were actually 'in love' with you..

4. OP admitted he felt like a recluse and conciously avoided social situations, felt desressed and not himself for a year and is talking to a councilor regarding some other issues.

That is GAD (general anxiety disorder) and depression. He obviously could not help acting the way he did if there was/is a chemical imbalance in his brain.

Easy enough to say it was all down to Test (bollox) and his mrs hasn't been pumping on tinder (even tho she brought it up and encouraged him to do the same) - but life ain't all strawberries and sugur.

I hope he does find a way to make it all happy, but it has to be from both sides of the relationship and not 'just for the kids' either - I can tell you right now that two unhappy parents together has a far worse detrimental effect on kids wellbeing than two happy patents living apart, but equally involved with their childrens upbringing.


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## graham58 (Apr 7, 2013)

sorry to hear that,but time will tell if she still loves you ,but if not you need to move on.good luck.


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## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

Archaic said:


> I'm not trying to sound sexist, biast, or one sided here btw. I'm just picking up on what the OP has said, the facts.
> 
> 1. His ex Mrs is apparently happy.
> 
> ...


Lol ur harsh! I really dont think she meant the tinder thing I think she was testing him to see if he still had interest and by telling hm to try it she wanted to hear that he wasn't interested either.

I definitely agree that it's not a good thing to stay together for children's sake it really does cause more damage. I'm glad u closed that post on a good note though and wished him luck...ya miserable bugger :tongue:


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## FGT (Jun 2, 2008)

Skye666 said:


> Lol ur harsh! I really dont think she meant the tinder thing I think she was testing him to see if he still had interest and by telling hm to try it she wanted to hear that he wasn't interested either.
> 
> This is the reason men never understand a woman's actions!! She says that, he heard in his head "she's been shagging everything going the last few months", this produces a totally different response/reaction than if she just said, I hope there is still attraction between us!


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## teenphysique (Jul 1, 2014)

sorry to hear that mate !


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## Lotte (Feb 10, 2014)

FGT said:


> To be fair he was hardly a fountain of openness and straightforward information when it all went wrong was he?
> 
> I agree with the others. She is mentioning Tinder to let him know she could move on if she wanted and to test his reaction to it being mentioned.
> 
> ...


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

Lots of comments.

Few points.

I am starting with a therapist tomorrow. I suffer from small bouts of depression and anxiety every now and again which I think mainly stems from working all on my own at home for hours on end every day. Whenever I go back to England or I'm with a group of friends I am very happy but I go into one on my own and push people close to me away. I also had a few probs as a teenager and the only way I could handle it all was to build a big protective wall around myself and not let anyone in.

She is not on Tinder. She just spoke about it as her friend who's fella left her a while back goes on it a lot. She's not had another guy since we split altho has chatted to old boyfriends via email about her current situation. Ive seen these emails and its all very friendly. She did ask me the other night if I had been with anyone and said she thought I'd be up to all sorts but I told her the truth, I hadnt.

I wrote to her this morning as Ive been awake all night and just wanted her to know how I felt.

She said her head is fried over all this and needs to see her therapist this week. She has been seeing her on and off for the last 4 months.

I asked her why she needs to see her therapist when she seems so happy at the moment. She said she thinks she is happy because of her new job but really she feels totally confused and emotionless at the moment and just numb going through the motions of life and only time will tell what happens.

She also said she was very happy I was getting help and will be there for me all the way but she doesnt yet want me back and doesnt know if she ever will, she just wants to wait and see.

To quote her:

"I read your messages and feel guilty and I feel sorry for you. But I don't yet want you back. I don't know yet if I will ever feel the same, I have to just wait and see.

Please don't be sad and just continue to get better. I will be hear with you along the way xx"

So from now on in and I am just going to be as nice as possible and take each day as it comes. It needs to be her decision not me pressuring her but she knows how much I love her. I guess the cuts I made run very deep inside her. She's had 4 months of hating me so it will never turnaround in a week. I need to stay positive.


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## Ian_Montrose (Nov 13, 2007)

John J Rambo said:


> Lots of comments.
> 
> Few points.
> 
> ...


Just a thought, but if you've both crossed the hurdle that most people have about working with a therapist, why not see one together? There are therapists/counselors who specialise in working with couples.


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## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

FGT said:


> Erm says a man whos location is on a galaxy far far away!!!! Lol


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## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

FGT said:


> Says a man whos location is in a galaxy far far away...we loose u men along the way sometime too lol


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## Smitch (Dec 29, 2008)

Ian_Montrose said:


> Just a thought, but if you've both crossed the hurdle that most people have about working with a therapist, why not see one together? There are therapists/counselors who specialise in working with couples.


Good point, and if she doesn't want to do that then that will speak volumes.

It can work both ways though, my last long term ex made me see Relate who are a couples counselling organisation and it made me realise I just didn't fancy her any more.


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## Zurg (Jan 28, 2014)

John J Rambo said:


> Lots of comments.
> 
> Few points.
> 
> ...


Seems like you know what needs to be done mate. Stick to the plan. Keep your eyes on the prize. Stay positive. :thumbup1:


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

Ian_Montrose said:


> Just a thought, but if you've both crossed the hurdle that most people have about working with a therapist, why not see one together? There are therapists/counselors who specialise in working with couples.


She did suggest that when we were having all the arguments back in the summer but I wasnt interested. I was totally insensitive to her needs and thought she was just nagging me. I was taking 900mg Primo and 600mg Test at the time. I wasnt sleeping and had work problems and just couldn't see anything other than my own importance. I kind of gave up with her. I have very little recollection of that period other than lots of arguments altho I did take the family to Disney but all the crowds got on my nerves so I was in a mood most of the time!!!

If the chance arises sometime in the future then yeh joint therapy would be most welcome


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## FelonE1 (Dec 23, 2013)

John J Rambo said:


> Lots of comments.
> 
> Few points.
> 
> ...


Good stuff mate. Get your head straight, if you don't get back together then you just need to stay positive and try and remain civil, for the kids if nothing else. Good luck.


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## Ian_Montrose (Nov 13, 2007)

Smitch said:


> Good point, and if she doesn't want to do that then that will speak volumes.
> 
> It can work both ways though, my last long term ex made me see Relate who are a couples counselling organisation and it made me realise I just didn't fancy her any more.


I'd say it still worked, it just didn't get the result you were maybe expecting or hoping for. Realising and accepting that a relationship isn't going to work is better than flogging a dead horse, especially when kids are involved. IMHO anyway.


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## Smitch (Dec 29, 2008)

Ian_Montrose said:


> I'd say it still worked, it just didn't get the result you were maybe expecting or hoping for. Realising and accepting that a relationship isn't going to work is better than flogging a dead horse, especially when kids are involved. IMHO anyway.


Definitely, I'm just saying that counselling can be a double edged sword like in my case, the missus was hoping it was gonna go one way and it went the other.

You need to be prepared to hear things you may not want to hear.


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## Sams (Nov 3, 2013)

Play her at her own game and say you went on tinder and it's pretty good, tore into two birds this week but pretty much all the girls are slags on there.

This way you will make her jealous and her want you back

Secondly she will think she is a slag for being in there and take her account down

So it's win win really. Just make sure you do it in a nice and friendly way, don't be smug about it, if you feel bad for lying pay a couple brasses so you have technically slept with two women


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## Archaic (Mar 8, 2010)

Smitch said:


> My last long term ex made me see Relate who are a couples counselling organisation and it made me realise I just didn't fancy her any more.


LOL! I reckon that should be Relate's New slogan :lol:


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## peanutbob69 (Aug 26, 2010)

....and this is why I never want to get married. And hopefully my chemical castration via gear use will prevent me from having kids one day!


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

Update time.

She is still playing hardball even though we have been getting on great and having a laugh. We talk every day and have a longer chat each night.

She said she saw her therapist the other night and she basically said that that chapter of her life with me is now closed, dead if you like. And if anything new is to happen again then it all has to start from scratch and we'd have to fall in love all over again. She said there is a huge part of the love lost and doesn't know if she will ever feel the same. I think all her good memories are clouded by the bad ones at the moment.

Anyway I told her to just tell me she is 1000% sure that she doesn't want to try again and I will go away and leave her be. She couldn't. So back in limbo land.

On the plus side she said I can sleep over (in kids room) on Xmas eve and has invited me for xmas dinner with her family on xmas day but only as a family friend thing, not as her husband.

I think maybe the best thing is if I go away after NY for a while and just let her get on with things and see if she actually misses me.


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## sneeky_dave (Apr 2, 2013)

Dead sad mate I feel for you. At least you get to see your kids


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## mymumbeatsme (Sep 12, 2014)

John J Rambo said:


> Update time.
> 
> She is still playing hardball even though we have been getting on great and having a laugh. We talk every day and have a longer chat each night.
> 
> ...


I don't know about this one.

I've been in situations like this before where you act like a loyal lap dog in the hope things will resolve.

They never have done for me.

I think if I were to ever be in that situation again, where I wanted someone back, I'd be completely disinterested - easier said than done though.

Personally, I would get your sh!t together. Be collected and forward thinking. Act impartial to her and be a great dad. These late night phone calls and stuff seems like she wants all the support of a relationship with you, without any of the commitment. A sh!tty position OP.


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

mymumbeatsme said:


> I don't know about this one.
> 
> These late night phone calls and stuff seems like she wants all the support of a relationship with you, without any of the commitment. A sh!tty position OP.


Actually thats a very good point. I am still paying for the family home and all the bills and we talk as normal 3 or 4 times a day and I help her out with lots of stuff with kids when previously I was too busy. So the only change in her life is an annoying husband is no longer there.


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## vtec_yo (Nov 30, 2011)

IGotTekkers said:


> Sad to hear that mate. But in all honesty for her to say she's enjoying her new life then it is for the best as she doesn't deserve you if you are now clear and back to normal. What are her friends like? Get amongst it mate.


This.

She's been seeing other people and suggest you do the same with Tinder and ****.

Maybe I'm wired up differently but I'd be getting my house and kids back and slinging her hook.

ETA: Very easy to say though, a whole different thing being that person in that situation. Hopefully it'll work out, but it sounds like she'd getting a free ride and stringing you on.

#2sides


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## mymumbeatsme (Sep 12, 2014)

John J Rambo said:


> Actually thats a very good point.* I am still paying for the family home and all the bills and we talk as normal 3 or 4 times a day and I help her out with lots of stuff with kids when previously I was too busy*. So the only change in her life is an annoying husband is no longer there.


OK, so not to be a complete misanthrope here (but I am), but what would the consequences be if she turned around and said that she wanted nothing more to do with you?

Financially she would likely be much worse off. Aaaand she is jeopardising an unconditional support network, I.E. your brainbox. Maybe she isn't willing to take that risk, and so until she can build herself up, she will use you to lean on.

My ex did that for a bit, and then sent me an email and left forever. Similiar situation to you in that I definitely deserved it, and was a complete pr!ck towards her. You probably feel that being overly nice to her now will sort things out. From my experience that just doesn't work.

Girls will say that if you're 'really nice' they'll want you back, because that's a 'nice' thing to say.

Unfortunately girls don't seem to value being 'nice' all that much. I know loads of very 'nice' virgins in their 20s.

Dominating social situations has always been the most successful strategy for me.


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

vtec_yo said:


> This.
> 
> She's been seeing other people and suggest you do the same with Tinder and ****.
> 
> ...


She hasnt been with anyone and told me she doesn't want to. Couldn't sling her out as we have 2 beautiful children who have benefited greatly from us not arguing every day. I only moved out for the kids.

I did tell her the other day that I was going to the house on the market soon and she was fine with it.Hardly surprising tho if she's going to get half of it


----------



## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

mymumbeatsme said:


> OK, so not to be a complete misanthrope here (but I am), but what would the consequences be if she turned around and said that she wanted nothing more to do with you?
> 
> *Yeh I get ya! I tried to call her bluff with this and said if that's it then I am off to the States to live with my bro and she was like nooo you cant do that, what about the kids*
> 
> ...


----------



## MrM (Feb 6, 2012)

andyhuggins said:


> If she is listening to a clairvoyant and believing them. You are fcuked tbh.


This, you arnt the only part of this relationship that has problems and herds therapy.


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## Lukehh (Nov 14, 2012)

I totally agree on the going away after NY suggestion.

At the moment she hasn't really tried to live without you, your there at her beck and call so she still has you as such so it's easy to say I don't want you right now I'm not sure about the future etc.

But if you leave it on a friendly note and just cut down contact and if she asks why you haven't been calling just say your concentrating on getting better and giving her space then she will have to try live life without you and then she may realise what shes missing.

From my previous experiences girls like guys that can yes show emotion BUT they don't want you on a plate or to be begged, you cant just throw yourself at them and make it easy you have to make them work a little.


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## lazy (May 5, 2010)

What's the thinking on taking steroids for an entire year?

I really don't understand why people do that... Totally going to **** anyone up.

12 weeks is enough for anyone, I've seen so many horror stories on here over the years about people cruising on steroids.


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## si23 (Feb 3, 2010)

i dont know your situation, but too me it sounds like it over, i wouldnt message her at all unless it something realted to your kids, just get on with life and dont try to guess what she thinking that will drive you crazy


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## sneeky_dave (Apr 2, 2013)

Keep fighting op! I wish I'd of fought harder in the past


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## banzi (Mar 9, 2014)

lazy said:


> What's the thinking on taking steroids for an entire year?
> 
> I really don't understand why people do that... Totally going to **** anyone up.
> 
> 12 weeks is enough for anyone, I've seen so many horror stories on here over the years about people cruising on steroids.


It depends on your goals, if you want to make substantial gains then going on and off isnt an option.


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## Mr Beefy (Jul 6, 2014)

Time to fix up look sharp mate.

Obviously she still loves you, 4 or 7 months apart is nowhere near enough time to get over you.

And if she has then she ain't the one for you and you can find someone who will stick beside you no matter what.

She's having her cake and eating it by the sounds of it

Which is fair enough, it's all on her terms which she will be

Enjoying. You gotta start to show her your getting on with

Your life a little, even if your not, or this won't end well imo.

If you do get back together and can start afresh, you will definitely have a deeper love so will all be worth it in a mad way. Good luck with it bro.


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## Superhorse (May 29, 2011)

You need to cut off contact now, you told her where you are at and now you are just being a lap dog. Make her feel the gap between you and if she wants to progress let her, if not, move on.


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## Superhorse (May 29, 2011)

lazy said:


> What's the thinking on taking steroids for an entire year?
> 
> I really don't understand why people do that... Totally going to **** anyone up.
> 
> 12 weeks is enough for anyone, I've seen so many horror stories on here over the years about people cruising on steroids.


What you mean like Phil Heath or Jay Cutler?


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## jimbo83 (Feb 7, 2014)

Just read the whole thread and this is a sorry situation, you need to beware of the friend zone becoming too friendly as it can be tough to get out.

She has already told you that she needs to start again as the old love isnt there any more.

Listen to what she is saying!

treat her like you did at the start, take her out, make her feel special and enjoy yourselves together.

Don't mention giving it a go again just ask her out for a meal or out for drinks etc.

You will be able to sort this as she has not shut you out totally yet, the key is dont let her see any of that person she didnt like, only the person she fell in love with!


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## Fortunatus (Apr 12, 2013)

edit' I have crap advice, I wish you all the best mate hope it works out


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## frankie1905 (Aug 27, 2013)

Treat her like your trying to win her every day it's so easy to get comfortable being apart and soon enough someone will take your place. Try hard to get her back you obviously want to change otherwise you wouldn't be seeing fcking shrink!


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## sledgehammer123 (Dec 14, 2013)

Seriously, OP you need to take a step back and pause. Whatever happened to your/hers wedding vows meaning something!! Till death do you part?? In sickness and in health?? Ok, you messed up, said some awful things, took time away from the family, to selfishly do your own thing. You didn't cheat, there was no physical abuse, you remained a provider(stayed in your house), and are the father of her children.

It sounds like she is going to draw this out and milk it for all its worth. You hurt her and now that you are vulnerable, she knows she holds all the cards. She wants to make you pay for the pain you caused her. Maybe she deserves to, a little. But if you dote over her the way you are, this is going to be drawn out, eventually you will grow tired of waiting, and you will end up resenting her.

Take some time, pull yourself back some. Don't call everyday. Make it twice week and only talk about the kids. That's what is most important. She knows the man she loves is back but she is not ready to give in. Give her some space to figure things out. In the meantime move forward with your life as tough as it may be. Let her see what she will be missing. She needs to know you will not do this to her again. The only way you are going to prove that is through time and your actions, not words.

It is hard for me to understand how teststerone and some primo had such an effect on you. If you believe it was this that caused your behavior and not some underlying issue that they only made worse, either way using AAS should be in the past.

Its the holidays and I think everyone on here hopes for the best. I wish you well.


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## malray (Jan 8, 2013)

John J Rambo said:


> I had been on a year long cycle and it had changed me so much. I became a totally different person to the one everyone knew.
> 
> I was shouting at the kids, arguing over anything with the wife and even fell out with my best friend and business partner over nothing. It was pathetic and its clear steroids arent for me at the doses I was taking.
> 
> ...


Hello mate just read the whole thread and it was like reading my life. I was as bad if not worse than you describe throughout 2012, by the start of 2013 I had become so rude to my wife and only cared about myself that I didn't care what she did. After a few months in the new year I was so obsessed with my own life that I use to tell my wife to go on dates to see how she feels because I didn't care what she did and that destroyed her. So in March of 2013 she ended it and that took the wind out of my sails, after a few weeks I realised how bad I had been and she swore she would never take me back, but after 9 months of being the man I should of been to her "not pressuring her just backing off but always being there for the kids and being the guy that she fell in love with all those years ago" she asked if we could get back together. Yes she had been on POF and it hurt at first but all I did was back off and just stayed friends. I guess what I'm saying is its still early and raw for her so it really does take time and some times a long time. Well we have been back together since Christmas 2013 and this is where the story has another side.


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## gycraig (Oct 5, 2008)

What's the downside to her being single right now? She's got you aS a lapdog. Your paying her bills. You look after the kids when she wants to.

Show her the reality of being single. Atm she gets all the bonuses none of the negatives why would she come back


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## Newperson (Dec 12, 2014)

She's obviously having fun on tinder, shagging etc.

Once she gets bored of that and the novelty wears off, she'll have you back


----------



## IGotTekkers (Jun 6, 2012)

First of all buy this book and read it. Every man thats ever been stuck in a woman related issue if they just read this ****ing book your life and your balls would find order.

The [URL=Game:Amazon.co.uk]Game:Amazon.co.uk:Books[/URL]

You are showing her you have no value by being a leech, sitting waiting for her, that is so unattractive to a woman. You need to freeze her out, make her work for YOU. Get on with your life, create a pof and say you are out to party, put pictures up with you enjoying your life, she will find you font worry, and she will get jealous. Make her have to qualify herself to you, you are the man arnt you? Then fix up.


----------



## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

malray said:


> Hello mate just read the whole thread and it was like reading my life. I was as bad if not worse than you describe throughout 2012, by the start of 2013 I had become so rude to my wife and only cared about myself that I didn't care what she did. After a few months in the new year I was so obsessed with my own life that I use to tell my wife to go on dates to see how she feels because I didn't care what she did and that destroyed her. So in March of 2013 she ended it and that took the wind out of my sails, after a few weeks I realised how bad I had been and she swore she would never take me back, but after 9 months of being the man I should of been to her "not pressuring her just backing off but always being there for the kids and being the guy that she fell in love with all those years ago" she asked if we could get back together. Yes she had been on POF and it hurt at first but all I did was back off and just stayed friends. I guess what I'm saying is its still early and raw for her so it really does take time and some times a long time. Well we have been back together since Christmas 2013 and this is where the story has another side.


Most on here chatting rubbish and slagging off the woman ....RARE!!

But this is the very best advice as he's been there and obviously went about things in a mature way.. Ps also glad it had a happy ending :thumbup1:


----------



## Smitch (Dec 29, 2008)

Skye666 said:


> Most on here chatting rubbish and slagging off the woman ....RARE!!
> 
> But this is the very best advice as he's been there and obviously went about things in a mature way.. Ps also glad it had a happy ending :thumbup1:


She probably had a load of cock off POF and then got bored of it so thought she'd go back to married life again for a bit.

When she fancies a bit more cock in a few years time she can do it all over again cos she knows she can get away with it now. :lol:


----------



## banzi (Mar 9, 2014)

John J Rambo said:


> I had been on a year long cycle and it had changed me so much. I became a totally different person to the one everyone knew.
> 
> I was shouting at the kids, arguing over anything with the wife and even fell out with my best friend and business partner over nothing. It was pathetic and its clear steroids arent for me at the doses I was taking.
> 
> ...


Drugs are just the finishing touch.


----------



## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

Smitch said:


> She probably had a load of cock off POF and then got bored of it so thought she'd go back to married life again for a bit.
> 
> When she fancies a bit more cock in a few years time she can do it all over again cos she knows she can get away with it now. :lol:


Lol shuddup don't be mean.


----------



## Newperson (Dec 12, 2014)

Smitch said:


> She probably had a load of cock off POF and then got bored of it so thought she'd go back to married life again for a bit.
> 
> When she fancies a bit more cock in a few years time she can do it all over again cos she knows she can get away with it now. :lol:


This 100%

She'll eventually get bored of the shagging about and then have him back


----------



## Lotte (Feb 10, 2014)

IGotTekkers said:


> First of all buy this book and read it. Every man thats ever been stuck in a woman related issue if they just read this ****ing book your life and your balls would find order.
> 
> The [URL=Game:Amazon.co.uk]Game:Amazon.co.uk:Books[/URL]
> 
> You are showing her you have no value by being a leech, sitting waiting for her, that is so unattractive to a woman. You need to freeze her out, make her work for YOU. Get on with your life, create a pof and say you are out to party, put pictures up with you enjoying your life, she will find you font worry, and she will get jealous. Make her have to qualify herself to you, you are the man arnt you? Then fix up.


Critical error.

Jealousy will push her over the edge forever in this situation.

Yes get on with his life and show himself to be a fine example of a man but when you're already married, have kids in tow and have ****ed up big time and hurt your missus deeply, The Game is not the right approach for the situation.


----------



## IGotTekkers (Jun 6, 2012)

Lotte said:


> Critical error.
> 
> Jealousy will push her over the edge forever in this situation.
> 
> Yes get on with his life and show himself to be a fine example of a man but when you're already married, have kids in tow and have ****ed up big time and hurt your missus deeply, The Game is not the right approach for the situation.


The game is not 'an' approach. She's had more than enough time to punish him for his mistakes, if she's jealousy maybe that might spark something in her.


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## Archaic (Mar 8, 2010)

IGotTekkers said:


> First of all buy this book and read it. Every man thats ever been stuck in a woman related issue if they just read this ****ing book your life and your balls would find order.
> 
> The [URL=Game:Amazon.co.uk]Game:Amazon.co.uk:Books[/URL]
> 
> You are showing her you have no value by being a leech, sitting waiting for her, that is so unattractive to a woman. You need to freeze her out, make her work for YOU. Get on with your life, create a pof and say you are out to party, put pictures up with you enjoying your life, she will find you font worry, and she will get jealous. Make her have to qualify herself to you, you are the man arnt you? Then fix up.


Only problem with that is that'll she will grease a few other c0cks in the meantime.

That would be end game for me, no matter who it is, even the mother of my kids. I'd never touch her again.

Of course tho, the situation is entirely different if shoe was on the other foot - if a man does it then it's bad, but forgivable...


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## Ian_Montrose (Nov 13, 2007)

IGotTekkers said:


> First of all buy this book and read it. Every man thats ever been stuck in a woman related issue if they just read this ****ing book your life and your balls would find order.
> 
> The [URL=Game:Amazon.co.uk]Game:Amazon.co.uk:Books[/URL]


Have you actually read the book Tekkers? Whilst I don't agree with all of your views on life I have always pegged you as one of the more intelligent guys on the forum. If you've read The Game I would have expected you to have got the author's message but your post suggest otherwise.


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## IGotTekkers (Jun 6, 2012)

Ian_Montrose said:


> Have you actually read the book Tekkers? Whilst I don't agree with all of your views on life I have always pegged you as one of the more intelligent guys on the forum. If you've read The Game and then I would have expected you to have got the author's message but your post suggest otherwise.


Of course iv read it haha. I'm not saying he should forget about his wife and start ****ing around, I'm saying as it stands he is playing the waiting game, like a chump, and it's not working, shes getting on with her life by the sounds of it, anybody not advising him to do the same i don't think has his best interests in mind.


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## Lotte (Feb 10, 2014)

IGotTekkers said:


> The game is not 'an' approach. She's had more than enough time to punish him for his mistakes, if she's jealousy maybe that might spark something in her.


When he ****ed off her mindset was probably all kinds of devastated which rapidly turns into rage and "fvck him then!" feelings.

After that comes the "cool off" phase which is where she is currently, she has stopped being quite so mad and is able to see things from his side but she still doesn't feel anything warm towards him.

Before he makes any radical moves either way he needs to wait till she reaches the "wondering what it would be like" stage, where she has forgotten how hurt she was enough to remember all the good things about him and long for how things were in the good old days.

Getting someone back is utterly different to the initial game if you actually intend to be successful.


----------



## IGotTekkers (Jun 6, 2012)

Lotte said:


> When he ****ed off her mindset was probably all kinds of devastated which rapidly turns into rage and "fvck him then!" feelings.
> 
> After that comes the "cool off" phase which is where she is currently, she has stopped being quite so mad and is able to see things from his side but she still doesn't feel anything warm towards him.
> 
> ...


Good points. Iv not actually read the whole thread so i don't really know what's going on lol.


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## Phil D (Feb 21, 2010)

Is this guy now on PCT? He must be having the WORST time!


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## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

Most of u guys would do ur selves a favour by listening to women on here that's where ur gonna learn what women really want/ like but if y'all too busy listening to another man 'Neil flippin Strauss ' whatever his name...then u are likely to learn sod all...he's a man for goodness sake!! U can't learn how to never understand a woman from another man that's just crazy if I wanna know how to get the best from the guy I'm seeing I go to a male ( and not a so called close male friend coz he ain't gonna help me.hmmm) Women know heir own psychology and mostly on here iv seen women be really honest when giving advice on relationships..we know some get psycho some get jealous some get moody and we know why we don't always blame the man we don't always think we are right ( hence the avi !) the only thing man has discovered so far which is a truth about women is ...they generally take ages shopping! It showed how u cling to this from the Xmas present thread...perfume, sexy underwear, shoes, more perfume..or what can I get her she's a nightmare....linked to shopping u really understand women ...nooo ......For the record..lottes advice is spot on IMO ..


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## Yes (May 4, 2014)

Skye666 said:


> Most of u guys would do ur selves a favour by listening to women on here that's where ur gonna learn what women really want/ like but if y'all too busy listening to another man 'Neil flippin Strauss ' whatever his name...then u are likely to learn sod all...he's a man for goodness sake!! U can't learn how to never understand a woman from another man that's just crazy if I wanna know how to get the best from the guy I'm seeing I go to a male ( and not a so called close male friend coz he ain't gonna help me.hmmm) Women know heir own psychology and mostly on here iv seen women be really honest when giving advice on relationships..we know some get psycho some get jealous some get moody and we know why we don't always blame the man we don't always think we are right ( hence the avi !) the only thing man has discovered so far which is a truth about women is ...they generally take ages shopping! It showed how u cling to this from the Xmas present thread...perfume, sexy underwear, shoes, more perfume..or what can I get her she's a nightmare....linked to shopping u really understand women ...nooo ......For the record..lottes advice is spot on IMO ..


Shutup.


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## The-Real-Deal (Dec 5, 2014)

Put your cards on the table. Ask her straight. Tell her you Fked up and want to make it all up. Tell her how much you regret your actions and how much you love her. If she declines the offer move on. Sometimes to much water passes under the bridge. Be strong and positive within yourself, she will pick up on this, you never know what is around the corner.

Don't be a sniveling doormat its not attractive.


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## essexboy (Sep 7, 2008)

Skye666 said:


> Most of u guys would do ur selves a favour by listening to women on here that's where ur gonna learn* what women really want/ like *but if y'all too busy listening to another man 'Neil flippin Strauss ' whatever his name...then u are likely to learn sod all...he's a man for goodness sake!! U can't learn how to never understand a woman from another man that's just crazy if I wanna know how to get the best from the guy I'm seeing I go to a male ( and not a so called close male friend coz he ain't gonna help me.hmmm) Women know heir own psychology and mostly on here iv seen women be really honest when giving advice on relationships..we know some get psycho some get jealous some get moody and we know why we don't always blame the man we don't always think we are right ( hence the avi !) the only thing man has discovered so far which is a truth about women is ...they generally take ages shopping! It showed how u cling to this from the Xmas present thread...perfume, sexy underwear, shoes, more perfume..or what can I get her she's a nightmare....linked to shopping u really understand women ...nooo ......For the record..lottes advice is spot on IMO ..


Unfortunately Skye. most women either dont know, wont accept or are just downright in denial as to what makes men attractive to them.It always makes me smile, when women rate "A good sense of humour" as a top priority.Well, im fuc.kin hysterical.However, there no queue of hot women lining up outside my door.

What they really mean is," I want a man with a sense of humour,whos rich and looks like Brad Pitt" Ecomony of the truth.One of your most common personality traits.Bless.

Tekkers is correct to some point.The man has to act a man.If for a moment, his value in her eyes diminishes, She well likely lose attraction and its game over.


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

OK update time.

1. She has not been on any dating sites or slept with anyone else, this is a fact.

2. She is still very hurt by my actions and can't just shake it off in the few weeks I've been normal. Our relationship unwound over 12 months so a few good weeks from me doesn't change everything back to the way it was (before I started taking steroids) as much as I would like it to.

3. Xmas was very difficult and I was very depressed as was she but we spent quite a lot of time together and even had a few good laughs. When she's had a few drinks she actually talks about us like we are still a couple then goes cold again the next day which I find a bit weird but she is fighting her feelings so understandable.

4. She desperately wants us to work and be a happy family again but she cant fake her feelings. She says she loves me but not enough (yet) to make a fresh start. She says she needs time. So we have decided it's best I go away for 3 or 4 weeks and she can get her head straight and then we decide what to do, try again or divorce. I have tried not to pressure her and just be the nice guy she used to love but it's so difficult as I just want everything back to the way it used to be. Maybe she has changed too much over the last year for us to ever get it back.

5. I took her and the kids away skiing just after new year which I was surprised she agreed to and we had a lovely time altho she was very anxious at first. On the 3rd night we had a lovely meal and laughs together and she actually said to me she felt like we had turned a corner. The next night we got quite drunk and ending up sleeping together. I think she was hoping it would spark up her feelings for me again but she was awkward again the next day and regretted what had happened as it was too soon. We shouldn't have done it, not when ****ed.

5. I have really f**cked her head up over this, she's not eating well at all, not sleeping and generally very down worrying. I am getting to the point where I am accepting I have lost her and maybe it's best I am out of her life. She says she doesnt want me to give up trying but that's what I feel like doing as it's so hard seeing her like this. When you love someone sooo much and they dont feel the same it's horrible.

So much more has happened that I cant possibly write it all down and it all seems a bit of a blur right now. I've not been eating and missing the gym as well so I've dwindled away into a bit of a skeleton.

Anyway we shall see what the long break throws up and decide then as we both cant continue like this. Last thing I want is to get back with her then find in 6 months time it was a mistake so this needs to be right and at the moment I'm starting to think of a new life without her as her wounds are so deep I get the feeling she will never forgive me.

Thanks for all the messages, dont have time to reply to them all but I really appreciate it.


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## Boshlop (Apr 1, 2012)

essexboy said:


> Unfortunately Skye. most women either dont know, wont accept or are just downright in denial as to what makes men attractive to them.It always makes me smile, when women rate "A good sense of humour" as a top priority.Well, im fuc.kin hysterical.However, there no queue of hot women lining up outside my door.
> 
> What they really mean is," I want a man with a sense of humour,whos rich and looks like Brad Pitt" Ecomony of the truth.One of your most common personality traits.Bless.
> 
> Tekkers is correct to some point.The man has to act a man.If for a moment, his value in her eyes diminishes, She well likely lose attraction and its game over.


i love this, very true a woman doesn't even know what she wants 99% of the time. with in a week i've been told that i should treat her as a member of the family, then told that she doesnt want to intrude on a family event...


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## Smitch (Dec 29, 2008)

I'd just leave her to it, you've done all you can do and it's a waiting game now.

The few weeks apart will do you good.


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## Smitch (Dec 29, 2008)

Boshlop said:


> i love this, very true a woman doesn't even know what she wants 99% of the time. with in a week i've been told that i should treat her as a member of the family, then told that she doesnt want to intrude on a family event...


They're all mental, most of them even admit that.


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## Boshlop (Apr 1, 2012)

Smitch said:


> They're all mental, most of them even admit that.


this one was a psychology masters too, so she used the real terms to describe her own problems... im glad im permanently in a different country to her now!


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## harrison180 (Aug 6, 2013)

Yes said:


> Shutup.


That's a mature comment to someone's opinion. Unless it's ment as a joke?


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## Smitch (Dec 29, 2008)

Boshlop said:


> this one was a psychology masters too, so she used the real terms to describe her own problems... im glad im permanently in a different country to her now!


Sounds like you dodged a bullet there mate. :lol:

To be fair on mine she's laid back as fvck, we do everything together. That said, she's in the front room on her Xbox now playing Skyrim and I'm off out to the gym soon, she'll be on that thing all day so it gives me a chance to do fvck all and relax when I get back later.


----------



## Boshlop (Apr 1, 2012)

Smitch said:



> Sounds like you dodged a bullet there mate. :lol:
> 
> To be fair on mine she's laid back as fvck, we do everything together. That said, she's in the front room on her Xbox now playing Skyrim and I'm off out to the gym soon, she'll be on that thing all day so it gives me a chance to do fvck all and relax when I get back later.


aye, 2 days after leaving her i apparently became wonderful to be around. prep was a fun time with her, apparently its fun and a long time dream to compete isn't good enough, i must have some disorder

im jealous of you, that sounds brilliant, do what you want separate with out any crazy woman moments


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## latblaster (Oct 26, 2013)

OP, you need Counselling. Get some.


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## Smitch (Dec 29, 2008)

Boshlop said:


> aye, 2 days after leaving her i apparently became wonderful to be around. prep was a fun time with her, apparently its fun and a long time dream to compete isn't good enough, i must have some disorder
> 
> im jealous of you, that sounds brilliant, do what you want separate with out any crazy woman moments


Well it's taken me 38 years and a few nutters to find her. :thumb:


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

latblaster said:


> OP, you need Counselling. Get some.


Yeh I have one, she's a great help.

Funny thing is last summer my wife suggested the idea of marriage counselling and I laughed at the idea. You live and learn.


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## Newperson (Dec 12, 2014)

harrison180 said:


> That's a mature comment to someone's opinion. Unless it's ment as a joke?


Shutup


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## malray (Jan 8, 2013)

John J Rambo said:


> OK update time.
> 
> 1. She has not been on any dating sites or slept with anyone else, this is a fact.
> 
> ...


One of the biggest steps you can take to sorting this all out is to try and start to forgive yourself, again it takes time but if you cant forgive yourself then you will always be unhappy no matter what the outcome. We are all human and make mistakes so take some time to stop blaming yourself.

A great man once said "Sometimes doing your best isn't good enough, sometimes you have to do what is required"


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## harrison180 (Aug 6, 2013)

Newperson said:


> Shutup


You shut up

And change your pants


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

malray said:


> Hello mate just read the whole thread and it was like reading my life. I was as bad if not worse than you describe throughout 2012, by the start of 2013 I had become so rude to my wife and only cared about myself that I didn't care what she did. After a few months in the new year I was so obsessed with my own life that I use to tell my wife to go on dates to see how she feels because I didn't care what she did and that destroyed her. So in March of 2013 she ended it and that took the wind out of my sails, after a few weeks I realised how bad I had been and she swore she would never take me back, but after 9 months of being the man I should of been to her "not pressuring her just backing off but always being there for the kids and being the guy that she fell in love with all those years ago" she asked if we could get back together. Yes she had been on POF and it hurt at first but all I did was back off and just stayed friends. I guess what I'm saying is its still early and raw for her so it really does take time and some times a long time. Well we have been back together since Christmas 2013 and this is where the story has another side.


Thanks so much for posting this, great help. So happy it worked out for you, all the very best.


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## latblaster (Oct 26, 2013)

Forgiveness is something we all need to have, to practice.

Forgiving ourselves & forgiving others. By doing so it enables us to not harbour ill feeling inside - which only festers, so we feel better.


----------



## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

Yes said:


> Shutup.


Not possible


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## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

essexboy said:


> Unfortunately Skye. most women either dont know, wont accept or are just downright in denial as to what makes men attractive to them.It always makes me smile, when women rate "A good sense of humour" as a top priority.Well, im fuc.kin hysterical.However, there no queue of hot women lining up outside my door.
> 
> What they really mean is," I want a man with a sense of humour,whos rich and looks like Brad Pitt" Ecomony of the truth.One of your most common personality traits.Bless.
> 
> Tekkers is correct to some point.The man has to act a man.If for a moment, his value in her eyes diminishes, She well likely lose attraction and its game over.


Lol..u can be hysterical but only sometimes 

I know what u mean by that but I was on a dating site once and likewise every single mans profile I read said ...' Someone who dosnt take the self too seriously' it was an absolute fave for every guy! But what it really means is...don't ask me to get in a relationship it's too serious! I agree a man is much more attractive acting like a man..but that's where they get stuck we don't like men who act the big I am so in this case telling the mrs ur life is great ur going out doing ur thing ...that's not manly that's u don't care ( to a woman) and I don't agree the min she thinks ur seeing someone else and gets jealous she wants u bk...that's the point she thinks it's a done deal. Ps...are u single..rich and do u look just abit like brad?


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## Zurg (Jan 28, 2014)

John J Rambo said:


> OK update time.
> 
> 1. She has not been on any dating sites or slept with anyone else, this is a fact.
> 
> ...


Stick with it bud. You've got nothing to lose by seeing the course a year ain't nothing in the scheme of things. Keep your eye on the prize and ride it.


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## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

John J Rambo said:


> OK update time.
> 
> 1. She has not been on any dating sites or slept with anyone else, this is a fact.
> 
> ...


It's such a damn sad story.  I really hope it all comes good for u both.


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## The-Real-Deal (Dec 5, 2014)

Best of luck fella, I hope it all works out for you.


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## the wee man (Dec 17, 2014)

FelonE said:


> Just talk to her, don't mention getting back together but just ask her if she needs help with anything etc. Try and be there for her and let her see you're not like that anymore. Sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in what you're doing and not see how it's affecting the people around you. A lad at my gym was in the same kind of situation and nearly broke down telling me, felt really bad for him. Told him the same thing and they were back together not long after.


^^^^^

i agree with the above

back in June 2014 after 32 years together,26 years married,my wife and i split up over my behavior,i pretty much followed the same path Felon E suggests,along the way it also showed her how much i'd changed,and was actually a better version of the old me she loved so much (we'd been together since high school)...

after 6 month apart and a very rocky start to the 6 month separation,we got back together on the 1st of December

i've got 4 kids and 5 grandkids,so i know how frustrated and hurt your feeling

my advice would be don't give up,but don't push too hard,if the main thing she wants is the old you back,then you just have to slowly show her your there and will stay that way

i hope you and your wife get back together mate

all the best,shaun


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## Gavinmcl (Jul 1, 2010)

Its no wonder the forums gone down hill when a guy posts with true emotion and gets ripped apart about how she's fed up of the new meat she's been getting and might now just take him back cause she's fed up, can genuinely tell the guys a mess

However it is a public forum and it is uk muscle so what did he expect

I do hope all gets fixed m8 and you're ok , can sense your heads not in right place from the way you opened up in you're post

Good luck


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## essexboy (Sep 7, 2008)

Skye666 said:


> Lol..u can be hysterical but only sometimes
> 
> I know what u mean by that but I was on a dating site once and likewise every single mans profile I read said ...' Someone who dosnt take the self too seriously' it was an absolute fave for every guy! But what it really means is...don't ask me to get in a relationship it's too serious! I agree a man is much more attractive acting like a man..but that's where they get stuck we don't like men who act the big I am so in this case telling the mrs ur life is great ur going out doing ur thing ...that's not manly that's u don't care ( to a woman) and I don't agree the min she thinks ur seeing someone else and gets jealous she wants u bk...that's the point she thinks it's a done deal. Ps...are u single..rich and do u look just abit like brad?


Yup.Single and rich.Look more like PITT bull, than Brad unfortunately:sad:


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## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

essexboy said:


> Yup.Single and rich.Look more like PITT bull, than Brad unfortunately:sad:


I see what U did there... Wasn't hysterical but shows u have 'some' wit :lol:


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## banzi (Mar 9, 2014)

To the OP, do you have a picture now that you are clean?


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## SickCurrent (Sep 19, 2005)

Never chase a women. Let them do the chasing....

SickC


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## essexboy (Sep 7, 2008)

Skye666 said:


> I see what U did there... Wasn't hysterical but shows u have 'some' wit :lol:


yea,Unfortunately im not a professional comedian,so youll have to take what your given.Best I could do!


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

IGotTekkers said:


> The game is not 'an' approach. She's had more than enough time to punish him for his mistakes, if she's jealousy maybe that might spark something in her.


Interestingly enough my therapist suggested I try and go on a couple of dates whilst we have this 3-4 break period. She thought after 12 years with the same woman it would be healthy for me to experience what other women are like and perhaps I may actually enjoy their company.

Not sure how to break this to my wife though. Do I tell her beforehand, just do it and tell her afterwards or what??


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## IGotTekkers (Jun 6, 2012)

John J Rambo said:


> Interestingly enough my therapist suggested I try and go on a couple of dates whilst we have this 3-4 break period. She thought after 12 years with the same woman it would be healthy for me to experience what other women are like and perhaps I may actually enjoy their company.
> 
> Not sure how to break this to my wife though. Do I tell her beforehand, just do it and tell her afterwards or what??


Tell her afterwards, if you tell her before she will guilt trip you out of it. You definately should be going your own thing, be open to make things work with her but don't be closed to the idea that there are other women in the world. 

There's nothing like a new ring on your pipe to give yourself a little boost mate. Get on tinder and POF, between those 2 I'm getting about 3 numbers a day with intent to meet. I'm meeting some tinder slut tomorrow morning. Straight to hers, no ****ing about


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## sneeky_dave (Apr 2, 2013)

IGotTekkers said:


> Tell her afterwards, if you tell her before she will guilt trip you out of it. You definately should be going your own thing, be open to make things work with her but don't be closed to the idea that there are other women in the world.
> 
> There's nothing like a new ring on your pipe to give yourself a little boost mate. Get on tinder and POF, between those 2 I'm getting about 3 numbers a day with intent to meet. I'm meeting some tinder slut tomorrow morning. Straight to hers, no ****ing about


Tinder FTW


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## latblaster (Oct 26, 2013)

John J Rambo said:


> Interestingly enough my therapist suggested I try and go on a couple of dates whilst we have this 3-4 break period. She thought after 12 years with the same woman it would be healthy for me to experience what other women are like and perhaps I may actually enjoy their company.
> 
> Not sure how to break this to my wife though. Do I tell her beforehand, just do it and tell her afterwards or what??


I would advise against going on dates with other women, while you're trying to get back with your wife.

If she said she was going to go on dates now, how would you feel?


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## IGotTekkers (Jun 6, 2012)

sneeky_dave said:


> Tinder FTW


****ing smashing it on there atm mate, my online game is **** hot air tight now


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## IGotTekkers (Jun 6, 2012)

latblaster said:


> I would advise against going on dates with other women, while you're trying to get back with your wife.
> 
> If she said she was going to go on dates now, how would you feel?


I'd agree if she was showing any kind of interest in working things out. If she she's not then its a chumps move to sit and wait for potentially nothing imo.


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## Fortunatus (Apr 12, 2013)

IGotTekkers said:


> ****ing smashing it on there atm mate, my online game is **** hot air tight now


aren't you married with kids lol?


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## Theseus (Feb 27, 2014)

John J Rambo said:


> Interestingly enough my therapist suggested I try and go on a couple of dates whilst we have this 3-4 break period. She thought after 12 years with the same woman it would be healthy for me to experience what other women are like and perhaps I may actually enjoy their company.
> 
> Not sure how to break this to my wife though. Do I tell her beforehand, just do it and tell her afterwards or what??


If you still love your wife and want to get back together as a family again, live in your house again ..I would against dating other women

If I were you, I will try to win your wife back as if you two are single. rekindle your passion through courtship again. It means dressing up, taking her out for dinner, not expecting to sleep with her. send her small gifts and flowers, send her cards. no more apologies, simply a new start, treat her like a single woman you are trying to date....don't discuss anything else like how's the kids, how's the work, how's tom, dick and harry are doing...just get her out to have movies, go to park, go to anywhere really like a date.

tell her, no pressure about intimacy..she will let you know when she is ready....enough apologies and don't fall back to that conversation again, simply a new start. let her know you are back and this is you. be persistent and serious about it. let her know your determination..but let her have the option to make decision, don't ever say take you back...simply saying you want to date her.

but of course, if you are already over her...that's different story, I'll tell her first that you are over the whole family reconciliation business and you are prepared to move on now...let her keep the house, keep the kids, and you simply want freedom to try new things before you die


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## IGotTekkers (Jun 6, 2012)

Fortunatus said:


> aren't you married with kids lol?


Yeah mate. Open marriage, again lol


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## FlunkyTurtle (Aug 5, 2013)

IGotTekkers said:


> Tell her afterwards, if you tell her before she will guilt trip you out of it. You definately should be going your own thing, be open to make things work with her but don't be closed to the idea that there are other women in the world.
> 
> There's nothing like a new ring on your pipe to give yourself a little boost mate. Get on tinder and POF, between those 2 I'm getting about 3 numbers a day with intent to meet. I'm meeting some tinder slut tomorrow morning. Straight to hers, no ****ing about


I finally worked out who you remind me of, Jay cartright. ha


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## Fortunatus (Apr 12, 2013)

:beer:


IGotTekkers said:


> Yeah mate. Open marriage, again lol


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## IGotTekkers (Jun 6, 2012)

FlunkyTurtle said:


> I finally worked out who you remind me of, Jay cartright. ha


Who? Haha

Oh that little **** hahaha. Yeah but the difference is my story's are true, see the MA for details lol


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## FlunkyTurtle (Aug 5, 2013)

Theseus said:


> If you still love your wife and want to get back together as a family again, live in your house again ..I would against dating other women
> 
> If I were you, I will try to win your wife back as if you two are single. rekindle your passion through courtship again. It means dressing up, taking her out for dinner, not expecting to sleep with her. send her small gifts and flowers, send her cards. no more apologies, simply a new start, treat her like a single woman you are trying to date....don't discuss anything else like how's the kids, how's the work, how's tom, dick and harry are doing...just get her out to have movies, go to park, go to anywhere really like a date.
> 
> ...


this. don't think with your nob, think with your head!


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## FlunkyTurtle (Aug 5, 2013)

IGotTekkers said:


> Who? Haha


Jay Cartwright (Character)


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## the wee man (Dec 17, 2014)

John J Rambo said:


> Lots of comments.
> 
> Few points.
> 
> ...


imo all of the above is a good sign mate

my wife was the same at first during our 6 month split up...

she just kept saying she could not handle one more bit of stress or she'd fall apart,also she had shut her emotions down completely,just to be able to cope with day to day life,3 of our kids are adults but we still have a 14 year old son in the house,anything i tried to push on her regards getting back together or trying to get any future commitment out her caused extra stress,she was scared to commit imo because she was scared i hadn't really changed,so...

i took it very very slow and set out to show her just how much i had changed,i just kept being as helpful as i could,i was there for her if she needed anything,as time went by she saw i had changed dramatically for the first time in 32 years together (since high school)

slowly but surely she started to come round after 4 or 5 months,just don't try and force the issue take it at her pace and prove you've changed and will stay that way,the fact that your wife's said she will be there for you through out you getting yourself back together.is a really good sign imo,it tells you she still cares for you more than shes willing to admit at the minute,she will be scared to open up in case it all starts to go faster than she can handle right now in her current state

imo right now she's having a battle in her own head,between the 12 good years you spent together versus the way you acted,but imo going by what she's saying she's trying to forgive you,then move on to getting back with you,but then she will get a bout of fear,and end up emotionally confused/scared/stressed,hence the battle

i believe the tinder thing was a test,she needs to see if you've really changed,so you can't blame her for testing you mate

i hope i'm correct,but i see good signs in the things your wife's saying and doing....

but the female members on this thread will have more incite into that...

as us men will never fully understand women,they're much more complicated than us men lol

i honestly think your doing all the right things,you just have to give things time to settle in and for her to see it's real

after all,she is still supporting you,which is a great sign mate

all the best,shaun

P.S. Writing to her is a great way to go,she can pick your letter up time and time again,where as most of a conversation is pretty much gone after you walk away


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## banzi (Mar 9, 2014)

the wee man said:



> imo all of the above is a good sign mate
> 
> my wife was the same at first during our 6 month split up...
> 
> ...


TLDNR


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## the wee man (Dec 17, 2014)

John J Rambo said:


> Interestingly enough my therapist suggested I try and go on a couple of dates whilst we have this 3-4 break period. She thought after 12 years with the same woman it would be healthy for me to experience what other women are like and perhaps I may actually enjoy their company.
> 
> Not sure how to break this to my wife though. Do I tell her beforehand, just do it and tell her afterwards or what??


imo your therapist given up on your marriage if she's suggesting that crap mate...

do you really think your wife will put up with you going on dates and still be thinking of getting back with you ?

not being harsh mate,but...

you need to concentrate on your wife and forget bullsh1t advice like that,if i had went out on dates during my split up,my wife would have took it as me moving on,and everything i'd done to get back with her as an act,to get my own way

personally i'd be telling the therapist you want help to change,that does not involve other women

in the fragile state your wife's heads in,she don't want to hear your out wine'ing and dining other women mate

cheers shaun


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## the wee man (Dec 17, 2014)

banzi said:


> TLDNR


ah is getting old mate...

what the feck does TLDNR mean ?

cheers shaun


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## andyboro (Oct 1, 2006)

I think that the therapist is concentrating more on the OP's state of mind than their relationship.. which is a good thing!

getting out and dating would serve to show that there is life and hope outside of this little bubble and help to give a more rounded view of things.

sitting alone, hanging on to a vague hope of going back over isnt healthy.. and the fallout if she decides no in the end is even worse.


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## sledgehammer123 (Dec 14, 2013)

At this point from what I can see, I don't think its going to happen. Its like she is going through the stages of loosing a loved one. She is still grieving but will eventually find acceptance of the situation. I know this sounds harsh, but have seen it many, many times. Couples I would have never thought of, splitting up getting divorced. Life goes on and it will work itself out.

Back when u were still together, she was asking for marriage counseling. There must have been problems already going on. She has been dealing with this it seems for a long time.

Just by what you have posted, u seem like a good person. Obviously everyone here is hoping that it all works out for u. Maybe it wasn't meant to be though. Maybe your meant to have a different journey. As much as you want her back, you have to acknowledge there was that time when you didn't.

Take care....


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

Ok first up I don't think I am ready to date other women, not yet anyway and I don't really want to right now. Ive never been a big dater, before my current 12 years with the mrs I was with another girl for 6 years and before that had a couple of 2 years relationships so I am not a big player  Anyway it was just a suggestion my therapist made. She doesnt want me to shag them or start a relationship, just a few hours in the company of another woman might help me realise that there is another world outside of this tormented bubble I am living in. Makes sense to some but not to others so who knows???

I am going thru some strange emotions at the moment but I am in a far better place than I have been lately. Had a good chat with the mrs last night, she said if she could click her fingers and fall straight back in love with me she would but she is still raw and hurting. She said she was suffering the way I am now for 7 months and she just cant get over it all in a few weeks. She said I am her best friend, loves my company and at this moment in time she still loves me but in a different way than a wife should love her husband??? So I am leaving her alone now for 3 to 4 weeks and she can have a good think with no pressure from myself. Hopefully she will miss me and us. If not then we move on. I'm going to keep contact to a minimum apart from calling the kids every night and I wont be asking her how she feels etc etc.. Just lots of space.

On a separate note I got the estate agents around at the house yesterday just so I can prepare the sales process should we decide to split and sort of finances etc. My wife came home as they were leaving and one of the agents knows my wife very well from school, she turned and said to her as they were going out the door "why the hell are you letting him go, why are you letting him go?" which made me feel good. It was a simple but very powerful question to ask.

And I bumped into one of her friends this morning and we had a good chat. She was like 'what is wrong with her, does she know what she's doing? She also said to me I would be snapped up right away and then she'd be sorry. Maybe that's what it will take, I don't know.

Watch this space...


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## Cojocaru (Jul 30, 2014)

No advice offered, as I know where your coming from.

Just good luck.


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## Skye666 (Apr 13, 2013)

John J Rambo said:


> Ok first up I don't think I am ready to date other women, not yet anyway and I don't really want to right now. Ive never been a big dater, before my current 12 years with the mrs I was with another girl for 6 years and before that had a couple of 2 years relationships so I am not a big player  Anyway it was just a suggestion my therapist made. She doesnt want me to shag them or start a relationship, just a few hours in the company of another woman might help me realise that there is another world outside of this tormented bubble I am living in. Makes sense to some but not to others so who knows???
> 
> I am going thru some strange emotions at the moment but I am in a far better place than I have been lately. Had a good chat with the mrs last night, she said if she could click her fingers and fall straight back in love with me she would but she is still raw and hurting. She said she was suffering the way I am now for 7 months and she just cant get over it all in a few weeks. She said I am her best friend, loves my company and at this moment in time she still loves me but in a different way than a wife should love her husband??? So I am leaving her alone now for 3 to 4 weeks and she can have a good think with no pressure from myself. Hopefully she will miss me and us. If not then we move on. I'm going to keep contact to a minimum apart from calling the kids every night and I wont be asking her how she feels etc etc.. Just lots of space.
> 
> ...


But I guess we have to remember those women who said those things to u...didn't live with u when u were doing whatever it was u were doing that caused her to feel this way..they only possibly see the great dad ( I'm guessing) and the hubby that seems to be great to the wife..ur wife is living in the moment when it was horrible..they didn't witness that and their fellas might not be all that compared to u so they are weighing that up too. I get what she means ..loving u but not like a wife should love husband...the love for someone dosnt fade even if they are horrible to u it just stays with u but as time moves forward like it does and each day changes naturally so too does that love..maybe she wants to ride it out and see if it comes bk how it was... So the real question is basically how long u wanna wait.


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## dann19900 (Dec 29, 2012)

how much did you gain on cycle though? Just joking, good luck


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## gizzybad (Jan 3, 2015)

sometimes you have to call there bluff like, ''its been a while now love and i know we get along well now, but theres not much around here for me anymore, ill keep in contact with kids tho thanks for everything, ill keep in contact''. if she dosnt ring you by end of week then maybe she agrees, but at least you get your answer this way. good luck dude!


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## banzi (Mar 9, 2014)

the wee man said:


> ah is getting old mate...
> 
> what the feck does TLDNR mean ?
> 
> cheers shaun


How do you know its getting old if you dont know what it means?


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## latblaster (Oct 26, 2013)

gizzybad said:


> sometimes you have to call there bluff like, ''its been a while now love and i know we get along well now, but theres not much around here for me anymore, ill keep in contact with kids tho thanks for everything, ill keep in contact''. if she dosnt ring you by end of week then maybe she agrees, but at least you get your answer this way. good luck dude!


How old are you?


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## gizzybad (Jan 3, 2015)

32 old enough to know its worked for me a few months back. its a suggestion lattyb, what would you recomend


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## latblaster (Oct 26, 2013)

gizzybad said:


> 32 old enough to know its worked for me a few months back. its a suggestion lattyb, what would you recomend


Counselling.


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## the wee man (Dec 17, 2014)

andyboro said:


> I think that the therapist is concentrating more on the OP's state of mind than their relationship.. which is a good thing!
> 
> getting out and dating would serve to show that there is life and hope outside of this little bubble and help to give a more rounded view of things.
> 
> sitting alone, hanging on to a vague hope of going back over isnt healthy.. and the fallout if she decides no in the end is even worse.


i couldn't agree more if the marriage was definitely 100% over...

but imo it's not a definite or at least his wifes never said that so far,and going out on dates won't help get a marriage sorted out

she said she will be there for him and that's a start

i know everyones different,but at the beggining of my split,my wife said she wasn't sure if she could even be with me again,she didn't know if she could take the stress,and i was a selfish cvnt,that had only thought of himself for the last 20 years

as long as there's REALISTIC hope,then it's possible to fix

me and my wife are the happiest we've been in years,yet back in June we were all but finished...

cheers shaun


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## Newperson (Dec 12, 2014)

This relationship is over 100%

The longer you stay apart, the worse it will get.

The moment one of you goes on a date with someone else, will be the final nail in the coffin.


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## the wee man (Dec 17, 2014)

banzi said:


> How do you know its getting old if you dont know what it means?


i meant I am getting old...

so have no clue what the abbreviation means mate ?

cheers shaun


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## Gary29 (Aug 21, 2011)

the wee man said:


> i meant I am getting old...
> 
> so have no clue what the abbreviation means mate ?
> 
> cheers shaun


I don't really know what's going on, but TLDNR means Too Long, Did Not Read.


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## the wee man (Dec 17, 2014)

Gary29 said:


> I don't really know what's going on, but TLDNR means Too Long, Did Not Read.


thanks mate

when i was a lad folk used whole words,so at times i have no clue what all the abbreviations mean

cheers shaun :thumb:


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## banzi (Mar 9, 2014)

the wee man said:


> thanks mate
> 
> when i was a lad folk used whole words,so at times i have no clue what all the abbreviations mean
> 
> cheers shaun :thumb:


I am 49, and obviously become infected with generation nothingness to a degree, I blame forums.


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## John J Rambo (Mar 11, 2014)

This story has a happy ending 

Thank you to all the kind and positive messages they have been a wonderful help :thumb:

I have come so far and learnt so much that I am now a far better person than I was a year ago. I just hope this thread stops others from repeating the same mistakes I made.

Using steroids and putting your own vanity and ego before the people that matter most to you in life is a road you dont want to take. Trust me on that. I contemplated long and hard before starting to use steroids and not once did I come across anything that alerted me to what might happen to my mental being and personality transformation on a gradual basis.

Ive lost a year of my life which I will never get back but the lessons learnt have laid the foundations for a happier future.

Peace out.


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## Kristina (Apr 12, 2014)

John J Rambo said:


> This story has a happy ending
> 
> Thank you to all the kind and positive messages they have been a wonderful help :thumb:
> 
> ...


Really happy to hear, onwards and upwards!


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## banzi (Mar 9, 2014)

John J Rambo said:


> This story has a happy ending
> 
> Thank you to all the kind and positive messages they have been a wonderful help :thumb:
> 
> ...


Glad you have your wife back

On the flip side you might look like s**t in 3 months.


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## BLUE(UK) (Jan 9, 2008)

banzi said:


> Glad you have your wife back
> 
> On the flip side you might look like s**t in 3 months.


You crack me up.


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## Archaic (Mar 8, 2010)

Nice to hear you've sorted things out mate.

I don't think you can blame Test tho tbh, but glad things all good now.


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## hackskii (Jul 27, 2003)

Glad you posted this, perhaps some other men may see this as something that may lead them in the right direction, life truly is about choices.

Impressed what you said about vanity, and ego, being put before others, this really is where the rubber meets the road here.

Sorry you had to go through so much to find this, but you are, and going to be a better person from this experience.

Impressed you have such a clear head now, not many I will say that to.


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## Zurg (Jan 28, 2014)

Congrats mate. Great news. :thumbup1:

Thanks for sharing.


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## KRIS_B (Apr 17, 2011)

Was the main man (TREN) of all mental instability included in your cycle by any chance?


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## HDU (Jul 27, 2012)

KRIS_B said:


> Was the main man (TREN) of all mental instability included in your cycle by any chance?


Apparently not.


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