# WHAT A JOKE!!!!!



## Simspin (Sep 5, 2011)

*Last week I herd on the radio that 67% of all adults in the UK don't know a single joke, I just carnt believe this I mean there is nothing worse than some feckless ass clown telling you un funny jokes, until you want to slap the taste out of his mouth but we should all have at least one or two good ones to use in times of need.*

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So what is your best joke or is the statistic true i hope not?. *  **

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.*

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He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"*

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(This is suppose to be the worlds funniest joke.)*

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## flinty90 (Jul 1, 2010)

1000 funghi packed tightly in a box , one turns to the other and says, "theres not mushroom in here "

fcukin love that joke pmsl


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## Simspin (Sep 5, 2011)

flinty90 said:


> 1000 funghi packed tightly in a box , one turns to the other and says, "theres not mushroom in here "
> 
> fcukin love that joke pmsl


Good one you sound like a funghi boom boom lol


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## DiggyV (May 6, 2011)

Simspin said:


> (This is suppose to be the worlds funniest joke.)


There was some sort of poll on jokes, and this one did in fact win. Few years back now though. There are now several variants of it, but the original one was written by Spike Milligan.

Cheers

Diggy


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## retro-mental (Dec 2, 2010)

I took the misses out last night

One punch !!!!!!!


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## Simspin (Sep 5, 2011)

DiggyV said:


> There was some sort of poll on jokes, and this one did in fact win. Few years back now though. There are now several variants of it, but the original one was written by Spike Milligan.
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Diggy


Milligan is the man :thumbup1:


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## a.notherguy (Nov 17, 2008)

i wouldnt believe what you read cos 72% of statistics are made up :whistling:


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## jp102 (Sep 26, 2009)

how many animals can u fit in a comdon?1c/ck 2 ball and as many hairs as u like.


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## DiggyV (May 6, 2011)

1st guy "Bought my wife a Jaguar for her birthday."

2nd Guy "Where is she now, out driving it?"

1st Guy "Nope, it ate her!"

Love that one.

Cheers

Diggy


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## spike (Jul 27, 2009)

What did Batman's mum shout when she wanted him in for his dinner?

Nothing. She was murdered.


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## Simspin (Sep 5, 2011)

a.notherguy said:


> i wouldnt believe what you read cos 72% of statistics are made up :whistling:


Did they do a survey on that lol.


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## Ashcrapper (Jul 3, 2008)

Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy


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## Simspin (Sep 5, 2011)

A corpse walks into a bar and asks for a drink, the bar man says thats on me I have never seen a stiff drink. :tongue:


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## chris27 (Apr 19, 2009)

I was in belfast having a ****e in the public toilets, when a southern irish voice in the cubicle says , "hey mate, theres no loo roll in here , pass us some through,will ya", i unravelled a few sheets and passed them under the partition. the cheeky bxxtxrd stood on my hand and nick my watch


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## Ashcrapper (Jul 3, 2008)

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?"

I thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"

Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick shit. How about you?"

I then heard the voice for the third time ....."Sorry buddy, I'll have to call you back.

I've got some dickhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say."


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## C.Hill (Nov 21, 2010)

I asked the wife for some oral relief today.

She said, "Would you like me to suck you off?"

I replied, "No, I want you to shut the fúck up." .


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## teflondon (Aug 24, 2011)

Statistically 9 out of 10 enjoy gang rape


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## barsnack (Mar 12, 2011)

Whats white and cant fly...................a Fridge


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## Thunderstruck (Sep 20, 2010)

A midget walks into a bar and slips over in a big pile of dog ****. He gets up angrily but goes off and finds a seat.

A few minutes later a huge monster of a guy walks in and he too slips over in the dog ****, seeing this the midget rushes up to him and said 'i just did that'. The huge guys gets up and smashes the midget in the face.

booom boooom.


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## hackskii (Jul 27, 2003)

A man call's his wife and says he cut his finger at work.

Wife says "the whole finger"

Man says "no the one next to it."


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## G-man99 (Jul 15, 2008)

Did you know when Michael Jackson used to wear pyjamas,

he liked to wear adult tops, but squeezed into kids bottoms


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## UKBenC (May 23, 2011)

Went down this morning to the Social Security to sign my Dog on.

The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".. I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.

She looked in her rules book to see what it takes to qualify.

He gets his first cheque on Friday.

Damn this is a great country!


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## mattW (Jan 12, 2009)

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?...Nothing, she's already been told twice.


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## spudsy (May 13, 2009)

Me and the Mrs have been going through a rough patch so I booked us a table to see if we could get some of the old magic back.... I think its made it worse tho, She didn't pot a single red all fvcking night.!!!


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## Dirk McQuickly (Dec 29, 2010)

man goes into a bar. there's a bowl of peanuts on the counter. the peanuts say to him 'you're looking nice tonight'. amazed, he staggers over to the cigarette machine, which tells him 'you look like a cvnt'. the man's quite shaken up by this and tells it to the barman, who apologises. "the peanuts are complimentary", he explains, "but the ciggie machine's out of order".


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## maxie (Jan 31, 2011)

Whats the top chat up line in the gay bars???

Can i push your stool in....:eek:


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## JusNoGood (Apr 4, 2011)

chilli said:


> man goes into a bar. there's a bowl of peanuts on the counter. the peanuts say to him 'you're looking nice tonight'. amazed, he staggers over to the cigarette machine, which tells him 'you look like a cvnt'. the man's quite shaken up by this and tells it to the barman, who apologises. "the peanuts are complimentary", he explains, "but the ciggie machine's out of order".


Hehe...this one gets my vote


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## legoheed (Sep 14, 2011)

2 potatos in an oven ... 1 says to the other .. cor its hot in here eh ??? the othe 1 says ' take you jacket off then '


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## legoheed (Sep 14, 2011)

why was the washing machine laughing ???

cos it was takin the p1ss out the pants


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## Tasty (Aug 28, 2007)

Why do you call a black guy that flies an aeroplane??

A pilot you racist bastard.


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## bandyleg (Aug 29, 2011)

A woman meets a man in a bar and goes back to his place, During the night she notices 3 rows of teddy bears on shelves in his bedroom.

The bottom shelf has tiny cute little bears, The middle shelf has some very nice bigger looking bears, The top shelf has huge cuddly bears that any woman would love.

The woman thinks this guy must be sensitive and he could be the one!

All night long she ****s him she sucks and she even takes it up the ****!!

In the morning she asks him, So how was I???

He Replies,

Not bad at all.

Help yourself to any prize of the middle shelf


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## Lee7 (Mar 17, 2011)

Went to the doctors yesterday, he asked me for a sample of my stool, sperm, urine, snot and blood.

So i gave him my pants.


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## hackskii (Jul 27, 2003)

legoheed said:


> why was the washing machine laughing ???
> 
> cos it was takin the p1ss out the pants


This one got me good, very nice.

I like these jokes guys, I am at work making money laughing.....Life is good:lol:


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## spudsy (May 13, 2009)

A family are driving down the road behind an ann summers lorry when a 12 inch dildo flies out of the back and hits the car on the windscreen.

To hide her embarrasment the mother turns to her kids in the back and says" blimey that was a big insect"

To which her 10 yr old son replies " yeah and I'm surprised it could fly with a cock that size"


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## mattW (Jan 12, 2009)

I was getting smashed in the ar$e the other night when I thought to myself ...this is a strange name for a pub.


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## bandyleg (Aug 29, 2011)

Apparently a wheel arch is like a vagina..... The more fingers u can get in the worse it is!


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?''

He said, ''How flexible are you?''

I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any...


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

I went to the corner shop. I bought 4 corners....


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## LIL-SCOOB-23 (Jun 16, 2012)

"My misses is ****ed off with me again ..last night while she was fast asleep ,i gently removed the tampax and replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out..I'M TELLING YOU THAT WOMAN'S got no fukking sense of humor at all!"


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## Conscript (Sep 5, 2010)

I went to the Doctors today with a problem and he came straight out and said "You really need to stop Masturbating Mr Smith", "Why" I said, "So I can begin to examine you" he said...


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

I was in my car and I was driving along when my boss rang up. He said 'You've been promoted.' I swerved. Then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' I went into a tree. A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' I said 'I careered off the road.'


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## Guest (Nov 3, 2012)

Three irishmen were sitting on the floor.

One fell off...


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## aad123 (Dec 7, 2011)

Dave "my dog has no nose"

Steve "how does he smell"

Dave "aufull"


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## Ninja_smurf (Jun 4, 2012)

guy gets into a lift and turns to this hot chick and says "can i smell your pu$$y"

Girls says "certainly not"

Guy "must be your feet then"


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## Dirk McQuickly (Dec 29, 2010)

I phoned the builder's merchants yesterday. Bloke answered and said 'how can I help you?' I said 'I wanna skip outside my house'. He said he wasn't stopping me.


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## Guest (Nov 4, 2012)

i recommend sickapedia ,not to everyones taste tho 

http://www.sickipedia.org/


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## asc (Oct 9, 2010)

mattW said:


> what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?...Nothing, she's already been told twice.


.......You look like a panda!!


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## silver (Feb 18, 2010)

A guy starts seeing a new girl. Before one of their dates she lets him in and tells him he can wait in the living room while she finishes getting ready. While hes sat there the girls sister comes and sits in the living room. He looks at her and thinks "wow shes hot!". She starts winking at him and licking he lips then says... "We should fcuk while shes not around"

To this he gets up and walks out and heads fr his car. As he opens the front door his girlfriend is stood there. "youve passed the test, you know have my trust" she says as she throws her arms around him.

The moral of the story is, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR!


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## Mez (Jul 31, 2012)

A motorway walks into a pub. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He has just sat down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac, starts to panic and jumps behind the bar. "What are you afraid of?" says the barman, "You're a six lane motorway and he's just a piece of tarmac." The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."


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## Simspin (Sep 5, 2011)

my old threads on the go again, that dutch tony lol :lol:


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## Simspin (Sep 5, 2011)

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "But he minded his own business!!"


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## Sc4mp0 (Jun 17, 2012)

A man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.

He says "Hey kid,if I give you a sweet will you come in my car?"

The kid replies " Give me the whole bag and i'll come in your mouth"


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## Simspin (Sep 5, 2011)

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window.

He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."

I said, "You're not coming in mate!"

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."


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## Simspin (Sep 5, 2011)

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other up, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? he suggests.

Five minutes, she agrees, and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.

Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharpeyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to, so she humiliates them both by making an announcement over the radio

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To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

I'm sorry :lol:


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant....


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## BigMitchh (Sep 25, 2012)

jp102 said:


> how many animals can u fit in a comdon?1c/ck 2 ball and as many hairs as u like.


I know it's a joke, but I think your doing the real thing wrong :whistling:


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?

A: Forget about it!


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## Ashcrapper (Jul 3, 2008)

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

... She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen


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## Ashcrapper (Jul 3, 2008)

A Muslim came in work today saying he'd bought a CD-Rom version of the Quran. Intrigued, I asked him to burn me a copy.

That's when it all kicked off.


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## Viking88 (Mar 29, 2012)

DutchTony said:


> I was in my car and I was driving along when my boss rang up. He said 'You've been promoted.' I swerved. Then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' I went into a tree. A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' I said 'I careered off the road.'


 :lol: driving :lol: your killing me


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?

A. The grip!


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## Simspin (Sep 5, 2011)

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat in this?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Football.

b. Golf.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, [email protected]*-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").


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## hoolah (Sep 1, 2010)

what do you call post man pat on the dole................................ pat

why did the chicken cross the road? ---------------- to get to the other side....

why did the cow cross the road? --------------------- chickens day off


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes


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## Slater8486 (Jul 14, 2010)

*I used this on a jokes thread some time back but still a good en!*

I have just been arrested and sent to jail where I have been repeatedly bummed.

Some one needs to talk to my uncle, he takes monopoly way too seriously!


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

I swallowed some tippex last night. Woke up with a massive correction!


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## jonesboy (Apr 7, 2013)

A fella working away from home for a few walks into a Brothel in Germany.

He walks up to the Madame in charge and slaps £500 on the counter.

He say "give me your ugliest prostitute and a steak and kidney pie"

She says "but Sir you can have 3 of my best looking girls and a 3 course meal for that money"

He then say "no thanks I am not horny just fu**ing home sick"


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## jonesboy (Apr 7, 2013)

That Pinky and Pirky live like fu**ing pigs.


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## jonesboy (Apr 7, 2013)

Walked into a chippy in Glasgow and asked for fish and chips.

The fella said the only fish he had was a Kilmarnock.

I said "what the hell is that."

"Oh" he said, "it's a plaice in Scotland."


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## Poke (May 31, 2012)

"Knock knock"

"Whoes there?"

"The police"

"The police who?"

"And Sting..."


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## keano (Feb 9, 2006)

Very sick joke

Whats the difference between a Prostitute and an Onion ????


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## keano (Feb 9, 2006)

I Cry when I cut up an Onion ......

That the joke tamed down from the one I heard.

Mods plese delete if thats cross's Friday night banter.

Always a joke that stood out in my mind, but obviously very tasteless.

Dont mean to offend. Heard worse TBH but thats up there for sure.


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## luke030588 (May 20, 2009)

New bbc programme "I'm a child get the celebrity out of me"


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## VanillaFace (Aug 15, 2012)

The kid next door asked me if I'd have a water fight with him, god love him I obviously said yes, just thought I'd post about it on here while the kettles boiling....

P.s love these jokes, makes the start of a loong night shift a bit easier


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## Fatboy80 (Feb 27, 2008)

What do we want?

Bigger placards!

When do we want them?

No


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other: 'How do you start this thing?'


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## Fatboy80 (Feb 27, 2008)

My mate does some great A-Team impressions, the other day I told him they were utterly brilliant. You should've seen his Face.


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## dirtymusket1 (May 24, 2008)

Whats black and blue and doesn't like sex???

The wee lad in the boot of my car :whistling:


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## bigbob33 (Jan 19, 2009)

Accidentally crashed into the back of a car in traffic this morning, a dwarf jumped out and said "I'm not happy" so I said "which fcking one are you then?"


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## H10dst (Apr 18, 2010)

I criticised my dad for using Imperial Measurements.

He beat me to within 2.54cm of my life."


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot....


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## Ashcrapper (Jul 3, 2008)

CapeTownTony said:


> 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot....


how do they know?


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## hackskii (Jul 27, 2003)

Ashcrapper said:


> how do they know?


Because the other 57.3 percent is not made up............. :lol:


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## solidcecil (Mar 8, 2012)

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

What do you call a woman with one leg who fell off a cliff?

Eileen Dover


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## Freeby0 (Oct 5, 2012)

What is 11 inches long and makes a woman scream all night?

Cot death!


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## jonesboy (Apr 7, 2013)

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door for donations.

Just had one woman from the sperm bank.

Boy, did I give her a fu*king mouthful.


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## jonesboy (Apr 7, 2013)

No offence to any blondes out there lol, here goes-

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car

and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more

intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork


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## tuffgong (Feb 26, 2012)

A drunk man lost his way home and ends up in a forest.

After a while hobbling in the dark suddenly there appears a wizard in front of him...

Because the wizard is in a good mood he let the drunk bstrd do 3 wishes...

Before the drunk man starts telling his first wish, the wizard interrupts him saying:

wizard: 'Be careful what you wish because there's a dark side...'

man: 'What's the dark side about it then?'

wizard: 'Well...whatever you wish, your wife receives it multiple times more!!'

man: 'Ah, ok...that's it?'

wizard: 'yip, that's it'

man: 'first of all, I want to be the riches man on earth!'

wizard: 'ok my friend but remember your wealth will be nothing compared of your wifes!!'

man: 'ok, that's fine...my second wish is that when I look at a girl immediately she wil want to fck me!

wizard: 'sure pal, but your wife, she won't even have to look before...just tellin' ya...'

man: 'ok, no big deal!'

wizard: 'and what's you final wish, you drunk fool?'

man: 'my final wish?...well...I would like you to give me a very tiny STROKE!'

...and he lives happy ever after...


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## Love2DL (Aug 29, 2012)

An Indian man walks into a little corner shop and asks the shopkeeper does he have any toilet roll, so the man comes back with a pack of Triple Velvet, "Oh no, much too expensive. I am looking for the cheap toilet paper" says the Indian, so the shopkeeper goes out to the store and comes back with a cheap, no name brand.

A few days later the Indian man comes back and says "Good afternoon, I am having a name for your no name toilet paper", go on the owner says.. "I am calling it the John Wayne toilet paper" , and why's that he asks.. "'Cause it's rough, it's tough and it takes no 5hit from Indians.


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## Chris F (Jul 2, 2013)

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw £1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for £2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?

She responds, "The Bastard used Pound Coins"


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## Chris F (Jul 2, 2013)

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

What's the difference between Madeleine McCan and a toaster?

A toaster wasn't raped and murdered.....


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

"I got talking to a girl in the pub last night. Turns out we have a lot of similar interests. Such as My Chemical Romance......

Or Rohypnol, as I call it"


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

Whats the best thing about fuking twenty six year olds?

Theres twenty of them......


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## HAWKUS (Jan 11, 2012)

Whats the difference between maddie mc cann and a dog bone?

I dont have a dog bone burried in my back yard haha

before you start pc brigade fcuk off its a joke.


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## Madoxx (Nov 7, 2010)

Whats 12" long and has cum in it?

Cucumber


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## Ashcrapper (Jul 3, 2008)

tuffgong said:


> A drunk man lost his way home and ends up in a forest.
> 
> After a while hobbling in the dark suddenly there appears a wizard in front of him...
> 
> ...


that would mean that she has an even tinier stroke. clearly the drunk man didnt think it through


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## Pancake' (Aug 30, 2012)

What dya call a Chinese man throwing s***? Who-Flung-Dung lol :whistling:


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## Chris F (Jul 2, 2013)

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".


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## Chris F (Jul 2, 2013)

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."


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## Chris F (Jul 2, 2013)

My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.


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## Chris F (Jul 2, 2013)

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!

Son: How did it taste?

Dad: Get out.


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## defdaz (Nov 11, 2007)

Ashcrapper said:


> Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy


7 dwarves all in a bath feeling happy. Happy got out so they all felt grumpy instead!


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## Ballin (Aug 24, 2011)

What do you call a three foot Jamaican?

A yardie.


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## shauny13 (Sep 24, 2012)

the new quick snack from vietnam.....not poodle


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## DutchTony (Sep 25, 2011)

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon. Michael Jackson f**ked kids....


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