# Some Viz Letters Classics - British Humo(u)r



## cyberheater (Sep 22, 2007)

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be

calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up

all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at

least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I

must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer

brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after

all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that

'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the

one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy

'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of

me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed

potatoes.

Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a

billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more

harm than good.

S Prodnipple, Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th

anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh

about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

D Antarctica, Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into

perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by

an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to

come out of this alive.

Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved

one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some

chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and

quick as a flash they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get

their story straight.

T Potter

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some

action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should

keep her quiet for a while.

Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed

all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.

Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older'

when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's

****: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify

that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Neil Palmer

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ

great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a

grocer or something.

A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their

attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA

outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976,

'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.

Raymond ****ybollocks

How ridiculous of NASA spending billions of pounds to come up with the

non-stick frying pan. In the weightlessness of space, the astronauts'

sausages are just going to float right out of the pan. If anything, they

should have been developing something to make them stick.

J Boxbury, Norfolk

MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously

relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards.

Peter Marwood

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are

moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and

with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over

there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.

Charles Turner

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain

healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.

What's healthy about that?

Mark J, Barnsley

I went to a house the other day to fix a lady's washing machine, a Zanuss

ZWF 161, which kept stopping halfway through the spin cycle. I took it

apart, but couldn't for the life of me see what was causing the problem. I

realised why when I suddenly remembered that I was not an electrical

engineer, but a pensions and savings advisor with the

Cheltenham & Gloucester Building Society. How foolish I felt as I tried to

put it back together.

Norman Topsoil, Luton

ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of

her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the

couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to

the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had

mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step

and Out On A Limb, or the 'About Heather' section of her website

www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to

the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the

message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of

publicity.

A Cherry, Leeds

MY HUSBAND plays a joke on me every April Fool's day. Last year I was

determined not to be caught out, but lo and behold he tricked me again.

Knowing I like cats, he woke me at 3.00am and told me there was a basket

of kittens stuck on our chimney. I immediately climbed out of the

bedroom window and shinned up the drainpipe onto the roof. When I got

there and saw nothing but the television aerial I realised I had been had.

However, the joke wasn't over. When I got back into the bedroom the cheeky

devil had filled my slippers with broken glass. I'm determined he won't

get me this year.

Ethel Alcohol, Sutton

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a

mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose

around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I

would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.

She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

L Palmer, London

With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a

Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride. But

perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan. Lo Chi

Chang, Taipei

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for

it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I

lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next

Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot

when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that

my house was out of stock and they should ring back on

Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys?

DF Kant

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian

wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

Wayne

I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If

anything they start asking me for more money.

Ian Sertname, Brighton le Sands

I'm not surprised Ellen MacArthur's boat went in a great big circle around

the world. I've bought lengths of wood from B&Q as well.

T Haliday, Shropshire

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person

present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having

these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have

more responsible employees.

Hugie Dixon, West Drayton

Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not

been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find

without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I

withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.

Gary Beergut, e-mail


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## adzk469 (Mar 19, 2007)

has got me in a good mood before I start studying today!!


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## brasco (Mar 3, 2007)

funny - reps!


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## more muscle (Sep 14, 2007)

cyberheater said:


> I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after
> 
> all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
> 
> Alan Heath


Very good. I particularly like this one. Very up to date on current affairs. I too have noticed it getting warmer! In December I was wearing a coat. Now I'm not!

Rapid action is certainly required or its gonna be bloomin boiling come July! I had heard global warming of up to 4 degrees C was a worsed case scenario but its already 8 degrees warmer now than 3 months ago! mg:


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## more muscle (Sep 14, 2007)

Could this global warming be due to all the extra microwaves from mobile phones?

Should we have a green tax on them too?


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## Tall (Aug 14, 2007)

I'm sat in a phone conference giggling at this.


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## YetiMan1436114545 (Dec 7, 2007)

lol my work people are laughing at this too  Reps


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## BabyYoYo (Mar 7, 2008)

Reps to you cyberheater, thats the funniest thing I've seen in ages!!! Kate x


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## simeon69 (Nov 15, 2007)

rofl classic mate

sim


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## Pompey Tim (Jun 25, 2007)

cyberheater said:


> I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into
> 
> perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by
> 
> ...


This had me cracking up, excellent post!


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## squat_this (Jan 14, 2006)

cyberheater said:


> Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian
> 
> wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
> 
> Wayne


PMSL!


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