# joke thread



## ian-m

share your funniest jokes/new jokes that are funny here give us all a laugh also add who is your favourite comedian...mine is chubby brown he is class


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## hamsternuts

i was such an ugly child, when i stayed at Michael Jackson's house, i got my own room


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## ian-m

theres a rumour josef fritzel was into kanye west his favourite song was "love locked down"

Josef Fritzl is sitting in the pub one day having a good moan about life to his Arab mate.

He says, "My daughter's driving me up the bloody wall. She won't do as she's told, she won't do her chores, I am at my wit's end with what to with her. Any advice Akhmed? How would you deal with this sort of problem in your country?"

Akhmed replies, "Oh I don't know... sell her?"

Josef thinks, "Ahh... cellar..."


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## Markc

Just bought the new Sky ADHD box but it keeps changing channels every 2 minutes!


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## WillOdling

hamsternuts said:


> i was such an ugly child, when i stayed at Michael Jackson's house, i got my own room


judging from your avi that's not a joke, it actually happened! :lol:


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## Irish Beast

What's blue and doesn't fit any more?

A dead epileptic.


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## Rob68

A taliban deserter is dying from the lack of water in the desert

when he comes across a jewish market stall selling ties

the taliban says`have you got any water?`

`no` said the jew `but would you like to buy a tie for £10?`

`fcuk off `said the taliban

`i need water,i should kill you but i need to drink first`

the jew said ` i shall rise above your bad behaviour and tell you where you

can find water,if you walk for 2 miles towards the sun you will find a

restaurant where they serve ice cold water free of charge`

off the taliban goes,

after 5 hours he comes back nearly dead and says to the jew

` you bastard your brother wont let me in without a tie`


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## ian-m

pmsl


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## Rob68

Being british is about driving a german car to an irish pub for a belgian beer

then on the way home grabbing an indian curry or a turkish kebab,

to sit on a swedish sofa and watch american shows on a japanese tv,

and most of all being suspicious of anything foreign,

oh and only in britain can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance

only in britain do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter

supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions

whilst healthy people get their **** at the front

we might be british but by fcuk we`re funny.....


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## hamsternuts

Wildbill said:


> judging from your avi that's not a joke, it actually happened! :lol:


f*ck you.

:cool2:


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## ian-m

RJ68 said:


> Being british is about driving a german car to an irish pub for a belgian beer
> 
> then on the way home grabbing an indian curry or a turkish kebab,
> 
> to sit on a swedish sofa and watch american shows on a japanese tv,
> 
> and most of all being suspicious of anything foreign,
> 
> oh and only in britain can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance
> 
> only in britain do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter
> 
> supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions
> 
> whilst healthy people get their **** at the front
> 
> we might be british but by fcuk we`re funny.....


 proper true lol


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## Ashcrapper

say what you like about paedophiles, at least they drive slowly past schools


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## MillionG

What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?

Russel.


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## Rob68

On a quiet afternoon in the vatican the pope decides to do a crossword

After a while he looks puzzled `john` he says to his assistant

`can you think of a four letter word for a woman ending in u-n-t`?

`hmm that would be AUNT` says the priest

`of course `says the pope....`pass me the tippex please`.....


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## Nidge

While we were eating dinner, I said to my wife, "You've got a little something around your mouth".

She said, "Ha ha, is it a piece of spaghetti?"

I said, "No ... it's your fcuking moustache. Get upstairs and get rid of it, you cnut".


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## ian-m

Nidge said:


> While we were eating dinner, I said to my wife, "You've got a little something around your mouth".
> 
> She said, "Ha ha, is it a piece of spaghetti?"
> 
> I said, "No ... it's your fcuking moustache. Get upstairs and get rid of it, you cnut".


haha your reminded me one of the fritzel girls were eating lunch when asked by her sister what is that on your mouth.....she replied it's daddies sauce


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## Nelson

Gave my girlfriend an amazing orgasm last night...

Ungrateful cow spat it out.... :bounce:


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## mrbez

I went to the DR's yesterday and told him my leg hurts in two places.

He told me never to go to those places again.

Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked, but that's rare.


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## cecil_sensation

what do you do if a epileptic is having a fit in the bath.......

throw your washing in


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## mal

three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks, another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, I'm making tea!
​


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## cecil_sensation

mal said:


> three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks, another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
> 
> "Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
> 
> The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, I'm making tea!
> ​


thats so wrong but so funi :laugh:


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## mal

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
​


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## Mark W H

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? 'Cause it was dead!

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? Cause the monkey was holding its tail!


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## Rob68

An indian woman sat opposite me on a train yesterday

I thought she had gone to sleep when she shut her eyes

Then i noticed a red dot on her head

And realised she was on standby .


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## SALKev

These are great....keep em coming


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## marsh

how can we make great britain even greater?

sink scotland and wales lol


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## Rob68

Teacher asks scouse girl to give a sentence

with the word `handsome` in it

she replied

When im sucking d1ck and my jaw gets sore i use my handsome times


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## Big Ackko

A man went to his doctor. The doctor said "I'm afraid I have two pieces of bad news. You have cancer. And you have alzheimers.

"Oh well" replied the man. "At least I don't have cancer"


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## Guest

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Colin McRae?

Only two kids went down on Colin McRae's chopper.


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## dannyboy182

dear customer, thank you for your interest but may we point out that Screwfix are not a dating agency


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## Euroboy

rdfp22 said:


> What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Colin McRae?
> 
> Only two kids went down on Colin McRae's chopper.


Not funny


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## Rob68

I went to a fortune teller last week

She studied my hand and said ` youve been masturbating `

I said `hey you are good,can you tell me anything about my future?`

She looked at my face and said `youll be doing it for a long fcuking time`


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## Euroboy

Why are there no drugs left im the jungle ?

Cause the parrots eat em all B-)


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## hamsternuts

i nearly crashed my car earlier, I was driving past a garage and saw a sign that said

'BRAKE AND CLUTCH PARTS'


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## chrisj22

I ordered a Chinese last night, and when the Chinese bloke came to the door he said

''Twenty pound please''

I said '' What's the name of Jordan's crossed-eyed kid?''

He said '' Halfey Price''

So I said ''Nice one, here's a tenner, now fcuk off''


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## Greyphantom

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.

Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.


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## Guest

A guy runs into a doctors practice and punches the doc screaming "thats for telling my wife she had a cute fanny", the doctor replies "no i said she had acute angina"...

i got offered 8 legs of venison the other day for £30, is that 2 deer?

cringey one a bit scared to write this one but here goes...

i thaught it was fairly hot last week but apparently it was -12 in whitehaven...

no offense and just a joke i didnt make up...


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## bluesteel

Sy. said:


> FOX NEWS : Babys taste nice.


ooooh this thread is heading down hill. got to admit its the only one that made me laugh though.


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## hamsternuts

i'm sweating like Josef Fritzel on grand designs.


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## Ironclad

How do you crucify a spastic?

On a swastika. :|


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## Ironclad

A pasty walks into this bar.

"Pint of lager please landlord"

"Sorry mate, we don't serve food" :|


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## Greyphantom

Witch-King said:


> A pasty walks into this bar.
> 
> "Pint of lager please landlord"
> 
> "Sorry mate, we don't serve food" :|


Yeah but did he smash it???


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## Ironclad

What a con this so-called evaporated milk is. I opened a tin of it the other day and it was still completely full.


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## Ironclad

The other day I bought a copy of Men Only from my newsagent. Imagine my dismay when I got it home to discover it was full of pictures of women. To make matters worse, most of them weren't wearing a stitch.

So it's *our *car, *our *flat and *our *money, but I notice it's always *her *tits. There's feminism for you.


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## hamsternuts

ok witch-king.

that's enough.


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## SALKev

No way small nuts, I liked that last one!


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## Ironclad

hamsternuts said:


> ok witch-king.
> 
> that's enough.


No man can kill me. :innocent:

Just for you HN:

The other day, I rushed round to my neighbours' house to warn them of the kangaroo in their garden.

Imagine how silly I felt when they explained it was just their greyhound having a sh!t.


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## hamsternuts

Witch-King said:


> No man can kill me. :innocent:
> 
> Just for you HN:
> 
> The other day, I rushed round to my neighbours' house to warn them of the kangaroo in their garden.
> 
> Imagine how silly I felt when they explained it was just their greyhound having a sh!t.


i like that one.


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## ostrain

Teacher is in a classroom. She says. "Tommy, you were off yesterday, why?" Tommy replies. "my Grandad got burnt Miss." the teacher says, "was it serious?" Tommy answers,"Yes Miss, they dont fu(k about at the crematorium!"


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## hamsternuts

my wife spent £2000 on a boob job, and she was happy.

then she spent £3000 on a nose job, and she was happy.

but i spend £20 on a handjob in an alleyway, and she goes mental!


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## TheBigBang

I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"


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## bravo9

saw vincent van gough in the pub tonight so i shouted over oy vincent can i get you a beer , he shouted back no ive got 1 ear


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## bravo9

Sy. said:


> I bought some biscuits yesterday, on the packet it said "Store in a cool place."
> 
> So I mailed them to Samuel L Jackson's house.


:laugh::laugh:


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## TheBigBang

I went out with a girl last week, she told me she wanted to be 'treated like a Princess'

So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.


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## skinnyfat

What's the most popular chat up line in a gay bar?

Can I push in your stool?


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## jimmy007

TheBigBang said:


> I went out with a girl last week, she told me she wanted to be 'treated like a Princess'
> 
> So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.


thats funny as **** but harsh lol!

how did they know princess diana had dandruff? they found her head and shoulders on the dashboard

*
*


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## jimmy007

whats green with brown on top

the cucumbers in elton johns fridge


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## bluesteel

not a joke but i found it hysterical lol


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## Mr.GoodKat

A man goes to his doctors surgery and says "doctor i was just raped by an elephant"

The doctor a little taken back by this says "Well i will have to inspected your anus"

"ok" the man answers

"well"the doctor says "this is a little weird an elephants penis is only 3 inches wide but your anus is 11 inches wide"

"yep" the man says with a sad face " it ****ing fingered me first"


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## Phez

*******************************************


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## hamsternuts

bluesteel said:


> not a joke but i found it hysterical lol


fvck me that's awesome, cheers! :laugh:


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## dannyboy182

why did princess di cross the road??

she wasnt wearing a seat belt..

statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape


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## Mr.GoodKat

Michael Barrymore Cluedo:


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## frowningbudda




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## chris27

the best engine in the world is a vagina ,you can start it with one finger ,its self lubricating, it takes any size piston ,changes it own oil every 4 weeks ,just a pitty the management system is so frecking tempermently.


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## PaulB

New to Greggs the bakers: Thick and meaty with a hint of ginger, Guaranteed to blow your head off: The sausage Raoul.


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## YEHBUDDY

whats pink and smells of olive?

Popeye's c ock


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## Mark W H

Whats black and white and read all over - a newspaper

Whats black and white and red all over - next doors cat after 10 minutes in the microwave


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## Greyphantom

Old mother hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch poor rover a bone,

when she bent over rover took over and gave her a bone of his own...


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## Foamy

Dear Mr Moat.

It has come to my attention that John Terry has been shagging your missus while you were in prison.

Yours sincerely,

Wayne Bridge


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## Foamy

I got caught w4nking last night. I tried the old "sorry darling, but I was thinking about you" line.

My mum was not impressed.....


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## Foamy

It's because of bouts of heavy drinking that I keep making a bloody mess of my life. Ooops, typo, I meant wife.


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## frowningbudda

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police.

The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"


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## Rob68

Got caught bashing one out while sniffing my mate`s sister`s knickers yesterday

Wouldnt have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time

He went fuking ballistic

Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both


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## Rob68

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had Lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is Engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been

Married For 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided

To amaze our men by Greeting them at the door

Wearing a black bra, Stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed To meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's How it all went.

My engaged Friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came Over he Found me with a black leather bodice, tall Stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said,

'You are The woman of my dreams. I love you.'

Then we made Passionate love all Night long.

The Mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was Wearing a Raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels And Mask over my eyes.

When I opened the raincoat He didn't say a word, But he started to

tremble and We had wild sex all Night.

Then I had to share my Story:

When my husband came home I Was wearing the black bra,

Black stockings, stilettos And a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door And saw me he said,

"What's for Dinner,Batman?"


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## Kyusho

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"


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## Rob68

I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in

my speedo`s was upsetting some of the other swimmers

I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not

being asked to leave

`Because he hasnt sh1t himself` came the reply.....


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## aseeby19

Boy 1 .. dude I am a virgin by choice !

Boy 2 ,,,, is that so ?

Boy 1 .... you know it !

Boy 2 ,,,,, not by your choice tho


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## Hobbio

oliver Roberts said:


> what do you do if a epileptic is having a fit in the bath.......
> 
> throw your washing in


Mate that's not fvcking funny :cursing: . My brother died from that last year you ignorant [email protected]

He choked on a sock......... :lol:


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## Hobbio

A postman knocks on the door to deliver a parcel, and is shocked when a 7 year old boy answers with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a spliff in the other.

"Are your parents home??" he asks

The boy replies "Does it fvcking look like it?"


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## D4V3

I hate it when my finger accidently pokes a hole through the toilet paper mid-wipe..

Aside from that, i really love my new job at the old peoples home


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## Syko

I approached this fat chick in a nightclub and asked her if she had a pen.

She was all excited about the fact that she had a man showing her intrest and gave me a smile and said "Yes i have"

As she reached for her bag i said "Well you'd better get back in it then before the farmer discovers you got out!"


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## ian-m

lmao


----------



## Dazza

What do you call a ginger prostitute.

Orange payg.


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## zelobinksy

Whats black, blue and hates sex.

The 8 yearold in my closet.

Dont have a favourite comedian, as you can tell, my humour isn't very commercial, yet.


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## Rob68

I was sucking off my new thai bride last night when i thought..." Hang on a fcuking minute..!"


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## chrisj22

RJ68 said:


> I was sucking off my new thai bride last night when i thought..." Hang on a fcuking minute..!"


LMFAO!! :lol:


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## Sk1nny

policeman driving down the road at 3am sees a black dude dancing on top of a ford.

after assessing the situation he radios in to controll "zulu tango sierra"


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## Incredibl3Bulk

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.


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## coflex

cops plan a full scale raid on a dis-used building...where prostitutes, drug dealers and other filth have taken over.

they break into the ground floor...it's full of prostitutes, queers, ****** and other sexual deviants. they arrest the lot of them.

they break into the first floor....it's full of coke dealers, heroin dealers, hash dealers...****ing their customers. they arrest the lot of them.

they break into the second floor....it's full of pedophiles downloading kiddie porn. they arrest the lot of them.

they break into the third floor and there's a paki guy standing next to a table with his dick submerged in a bowl of custard.

the lead cop walks over to him and says ''hey fella...what are you doing?''

the paki replies, in thick paki accent

''well der's sexual deviants on de ground floor, drug dealers on de first, pedos on de third...an to be honest im just fuking-dis-custard''


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## Conscript

OTT


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## gs_smithuk

Teacher tells the class that there is a big test tomorrow.

She say's that there will be no excuse for being late for the test.

So don't say your bus was late, you were kidnapped by aliens or you got lost on the way to school.

So a kid who is the knob head of the class says ' What if I'm totally exhausted from sexual exertion?'

Teacher looks at him and says ' You'll just have to right the answers with your other hand then!!'


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## Rob68

We call our grandad `spiderman` He hasnt got any super powers ...

He just finds it difficult to get out of the bath......

:laugh:


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## Milky

met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.She turned out to be an undercover detective.How cool is that at her age?!


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## Ashcrapper

A man goes to the doctors for a penis extension. Doctor suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. Man agrees and six weeks later while having dinner with a new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks "this is the night!" While chatting over dinner his cock flies out, steals some fruit off the table and goes back. "WOW!" she says, "can you do that again?" He says "my cock can but I dont think my arse can take another apple"


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## tom0311

Sy. said:


> Told my girlfriend my new nickname for her was Bambi and she asked if it was because she had big beautiful eyes..
> 
> and i said no ive just killed your mum


Those jokes don't usually make me laugh but reps for that, that was fcukin funny lol.


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## Syko

Man says to wife "Your the double of Cheryl Cole"

She says "Do you think so?"

He says "Yep, shes 8 stone and your 16 stone you fat bitch"


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## Jim206152

I had a [email protected] over my ex girlfriend last night, i know its wrong but i still have a spare key and she's a very heavy sleeper


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## deeppurple

Witch-King said:


> How do you crucify a spastic?
> 
> On a swastika. :|


hahahahahaha!

MATE.

oh witch king. oh thanks bro, thats made my awful day a bit better!


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## Sk1nny

How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?She begins with,'' A guy once told me...''


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## Sk1nny

This guy in a bar buys a pint then takes a photo from his pocket and looks at it. He does this every time he has another pint. After the 8th pint the barman says to him, ''why the **** do u keep looking at that photo everytime you order a pint?'' He replies '' Cos its a picture of the wife, and when she looks good enough to shag, I'll go home!''


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## Sk1nny

After having sex with a rough council estate girl, there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing a split and leaking condom hanging off the end of your cock .......................... especially when you weren't wearing one to begin with.


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## Rob68

Knock knock ..

"who`s there?"...

"dont fcuk us about gamu its the immigration squad"

:laugh:


----------



## Rob68

Just back from the world erection championships....

got throught to the semi`s

:laugh:


----------



## jamiedilk

why does dr pepper come in a bottle ?..........

"because his wife is dead":tongue: :tongue:


----------



## Sk1nny

I'm thinking of setting up an Acronym Hate Group. Or AHG for short.


----------



## Sk1nny

Katie Price's vagina is exactly like where all the Chilean miners are.A dark and endless hole that's grown in width and length because of the constant drilling.


----------



## Sk1nny

as a child my mother used to say to me, why cant you be like your cousin johnny? whos johnny i asked?johnny died at birth


----------



## Sk1nny

When I was in school I got a blow job from the headmaster. Personally, I'd say he was more of an advanced-intermediate.


----------



## Matt 1

Whats funnier than one dead baby?

2.


----------



## Sk1nny

I told my wife that I would love to go shopping with her. Then I remembered that I'm not gay and I have friends.


----------



## Mickey Monk

How do you know you are near Liverpool?

You see a sheet tied to a railing with the words

"Happy 30th birthday Grandma"


----------



## Mickey Monk

*Liverpool Airport*


----------



## Rob68

People tell me im patronising(That means i treat them as if they`re stupid)


----------



## mal

young boy looks down between his legs....dad are these my brains..

one day son..one day..


----------



## Rob68

Husband watching TV,fat wife comes into him and said ive just fell down

the stairs didnt you hear me?

Husband replies "sorry love i thought it was the start of eastenders"


----------



## will-uk

Sk1nny said:


> After having sex with a rough council estate girl, there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing a split and leaking condom hanging off the end of your cock .......................... especially when you weren't wearing one to begin with.


awesome!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Rob68

This rooney hating has gone to far !

Im outside old trafford now and theres a guy burning small effergies of rooney and selling them on to fans!

Oh hang on.... its a baked potato stand !


----------



## Rob68

I was walking along the street when a bloke attacked me with a lump of cheese and a carton of milk......

I thought to myself how fcuking dairy.....


----------



## hamsternuts

tea is for mugs.


----------



## D92

I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"

He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."


----------



## hamsternuts

what did the necrophiliac paedophile say to his boss?

"Can't come to work, I'm feeling a little stiff"


----------



## Lousy_Bastard

Ashcrapper said:


> say what you like about paedophiles, at least they drive slowly past schools


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Lousy_Bastard

mal said:


> three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks, another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
> 
> "Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
> 
> The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, I'm making tea!
> ​


ewwww :laugh::laugh:


----------



## Barker

hamsternuts said:


> tea is for mugs.


Every Facebook status concerning heated beverages i post this on :lol:


----------



## Foamy

A woman has just looked through the window whilst I was having a w3nk. She slowly walked up to the window and mouthed the words "Get out of my fu.cking garden".


----------



## Foamy

Won't be getting any trick or treaters tonight, just boarded up my windows and painted 'peado scum' on my front door.


----------



## Foamy

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman is furious and tells another passenger that the driver has just insulted her. The man she's telling says "You should go and have a go at him and I'll hold your monkey for you."


----------



## Foamy

My wife says im immature, and that we should set aside a day soon to talk.

Is she mental, in the middle of conker season.


----------



## hamsternuts

bloody hell, are we stealing EVERY joke from sickipedia?


----------



## chrisj22

RECESSION BEATER!!...................................

Wife say's to her husband ''If you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car''. Husband replies ''If you take it up the ar$e and let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!''


----------



## Lousy_Bastard

chrisj22 said:


> RECESSION BEATER!!...................................
> 
> Wife say's to her husband ''If you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car''. Husband replies ''If you take it up the ar$e and let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!''


:laugh::laugh:


----------



## Andrew Jacks

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer


----------



## Rob68

Teacher " billy , if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many are left?"

Billy " none the others would fly away."

Teacher " the answer is 4 but i like the way you think."

Billy " i have a question for you miss.there are 3 women eating ice cream cones 1 is licking,1 is biting and 1 is sucking,which 1 is married?"

Teacher nervously answers " the 1 sucking "

Billy " the answer is the one with the wedding ring on,but i like the way you think !"


----------



## Squeeeze

My mate caught me sniffing his wife's knickers!

What made it worse was she was wearing them at the time.

It made the rest of her funeral a bit awkward for everyone.


----------



## Rob68

I went on dragons den the other night and showed them my dads old shotgun

Peter jones said "And whats your idea?"

I replied "Its a simple concept peter.just put the money in the fcuking bag"


----------



## EssexMalRider

Did you hear about the dyslexic, insomniac, agnostic?

He was the guy that lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog..


----------



## hamsternuts

i think my brother's gay.

everytime i look at him, my penis goes hard.


----------



## Rob68

Man driving down road,woman driving up same road.

they pass each other,man shouts out window

FCUKING BIG FAT COW

woman yells out window

FCUKIN W4NKER

woman turns round corner and crashes into a huge cow and dies

Moral of the story?

If only women would fcuking listen !!!


----------



## Rob68

Mr muscle `loves the jobs you hate?`

I dont fcuking think so........

I bought a bottle yesterday and it still hasnt shagged the missus


----------



## Rob68

My mate just hired an eastern european cleaner,took her 5 days to hoover the house.

Turns out she was a slovak

:lol:


----------



## Jay.32

since its snowed all my misses has done is look through the windo!

if it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in!!


----------



## Twilight

I was in the boozer witht he lads and I said "I bet you £50 I can Fcuk any bird in here"

"What makes you so sure" my mate said

"Cause I'm a rapist"


----------



## Twilight

Jay.32 said:


> since its snowed all my misses has done is look through the windo!
> 
> if it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in!!


Hahahahahah that one just killed me. DOnt know why


----------



## Conscript

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

Watching the kids play she notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun with a ball.

...

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"Are you ok?" she says

"Yes" he replied.

"You do know that you can go and play with the other kids", she says.

"Its best I stay here" he said.

"But why?" says the blonde.

The boys says "Because I'm the fvcking goalie"


----------



## Rob68

Well thats christmas fcuked..............I ordered my turkey off Ashley peacock.....


----------



## EssexMalRider

Howd you get a fat bird in bed?

Piece of cake...


----------



## Rob68

Just got overtaken by a bloke in an AA van,He was talking to himself and crying....I thought,that tw4ts heading for a breakdown.....

:laugh:


----------



## BB_999

[email protected] a bird with eczema last night.

Cracking [email protected]!


----------



## hamsternuts

i was in the pub the other night, and there was a bloke there dressed in a black shirt and shorts, with a whistle in his mouth

i though, "this cúnt's gonna kick off in a minute"


----------



## jamiedilk

BREAKING NEWS!!

did you hear??

snow white has been kicked out of disney land!! apparently they found her behind the rollercoaster sitting on pinnochio's face singing TELL ME LIES, TELL ME SWEET LITTLE LIES!!


----------



## Cluk89

I love christmas eve.

It's the only night of the year I can sneak into kids rooms and watch them sleep and they don't make a scene.


----------



## Cluk89

I am quite looking forward to the idea of 'Babestation 3D', I can finally come on a random woman without having to run away afterwards.


----------



## Cluk89

What's the safest way to **** a deaf girl?

Chop her hands off when you're done.


----------



## rob816

I'm Josef Fritzl and 'NO Windows' was my idea.


----------



## Rekless

Apparently David Cameron wants to raise tution fees....

I wouldnt worry, the last thing he tried to raise died at age 6.


----------



## LukeC

Rekless said:


> Apparently David Cameron wants to raise tution fees....
> 
> I wouldnt worry, the last thing he tried to raise died at age 6.


Harsh.


----------



## EssexMalRider

I just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday...

Never again!


----------



## Julio1436114543

Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: Al right, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flash light?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.


----------



## moby1991

some good jokes gonna have to tell em to people


----------



## Nidge

A Nigerian has been arrested today at customs, carrying 30 English & 14 Nigerian passports, 12 work permits, 18 birth certificates and 7 NHS cards ...

Police have said, as yet, they haven't identified him.


----------



## Nidge

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

The pictures on my computer are worth a long sentence.


----------



## Bill-87

A Bloke got a phonecall off the Police saying "your house has been broken into, they drank your last five cans of Stella and raped your Wife". He said "I can't believe they've f*cked our lass after only five cans".


----------



## will-uk

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "d*ckhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!


----------



## will-uk

Women f*cking drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left!

How am I supposed to prepare myself with these f*cking mind games?

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Chelsea

What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?

Cancer


----------



## Nidge

Chelsea said:


> What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?
> 
> Cancer


Ouch, get under the table mate and put the hard hat on.


----------



## Nidge

My wife walked in on me last night vvanking over Rosie Webster on Coronation Street.

"You fcukin paedophile!" she screamed, "we're finished!"

"No, it's okay" I said, "she's over 18"

"It's fcukin not okay" she replied, "you're watching it on Dave!"


----------



## boricuarage

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads

into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a

sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old

golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive

female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled

golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young

lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I

sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says

softly, "Well, wash your hands real ****ing good because I want a

cheeseburger."


----------



## Aaron f

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****ing appendix out!"


----------



## Aaron f

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too.""No, a straw," says the Tramp.The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".


----------



## Fatstuff

Aaron f said:


> A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too.""No, a straw," says the Tramp.The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".


Brilliant


----------



## Aaron f

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.


----------



## Gavinmcl

George Clooney is to star in a film about the life of Gary Glitter called "O! She's Eleven"


----------



## Julio1436114543

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me

out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been

living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful

buggers, all I said was, 'hurry up for f*cks sake, some of us have got homes

to go to!'

When Bernard Mathews died a few months ago, his funeral was held at Norfolk

Crematorium, gas mark 6 for 3 hours.

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's

voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or

lamb?'

I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat git, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.

Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.

Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small

white patch, so I've named him Birmingham..

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says,

'Curry Ok?'

I said, 'go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn

cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom

machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert �2

and push knob in'.


----------



## powerhousepeter

Doctors have confirmed Steven Hawkins can now achieve an erection......they turned off his pop up blocker


----------



## boricuarage

what do females and turtles have in common?

once their in there backs they are ****ed ;-)


----------



## Gavinmcl

Elton John was changing the nappy on his new son and he turned to his husband and said,"He reminds me so much of you David".

David says "Why, is it his cheeky little smile?"

"No" says Elton.

David asks "Is it his cute little nose?"

"No, it's not that" says Elton.

David says "Then it must be the colour of his eyes".

"No" says Elton "He's got sh1t on his d1ck"


----------



## Smitch

I said to the missus last night "do you want to play the rape game?"

"No way!" she said.

"That's the spirit!" i said.


----------



## Smitch

Most successful chat up line in the world:

"Excuse me love, does this hankerchief smell like chloroform to you?"


----------



## Andrew Jacks

What's the difference between Didier Drogba and Venus Williams? Venus has a slightly smaller penis.


----------



## NOMNOM89

I was making love to my girlfriend last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I flipped her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled it out and turned her back just in time to cum all over her face and hair.I guess we just don't watch the same movies,


----------



## Gavinmcl

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and wan king in front of a tractor. Mick says 'fuk1ng hell Paddy, what ya doing'. Paddy says, well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to

attractor.


----------



## barsnack

Gavinmcl said:


> Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and ****ing in front of a tractor. Mick says '****1ng hell Paddy, what ya doing'. Paddy says, well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to
> 
> attractor.


when i read that joke, my neighbour (farmer) walked past my window and kinda thought this joke was based on him


----------



## Gavinmcl

A Geordie goes with a Wigan prostitute. Drops his pants, gets his cock out and the lass says: "Bye eck! That's a gud un!" He says: "Whats a 'gud un'?" She replys: "It means a big one." She drops her knickers and he says: "Bye! That's a canny un!" She says: "What's a 'canny un'?" He replies: "A fuk1ng big valley that cowboys ride through!"


----------



## Gavinmcl

I shoved some grapes up my girlfriends ars3 during sex last night.

She didn't say anything, just let out a little wine!


----------



## madmuscles

I was walking around soho and it started raining so I took shelter in one of those peekaboo sexshops, I paid £50 and was confronted by 3 doors reading "Blonde" "Brunette" and "Redhead" so I chose "blonde" and went through only to be confronted by more doors reading "Small tits" "Medium tits" and giant tits" So I choose "Giant tits" and was once again met by more doors, they read "Small c*nt", "Large c*nt" and "Wet c*nt".. I chose "Wet c*nt" and found myself back outside in the f*cking rain!


----------



## Gavinmcl

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruitcake at his wedding. Prince Philip says he doesn't give a fcuk, he's still going!


----------



## Gavinmcl

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.


----------



## Milky

I went to the dentist the other day he asked " did you have oral sex last night" I asked " why have l got hair in my mouth" he replied "no you have sh*t up your nose !"


----------



## Sk1nny

Whats the difference between your wife saying no to anal sex to her saying mmm mmm mmm?

Duct tape!


----------



## Nidge

Bombing Libya to avoid war is like fingering a girl up the @rse to avoid getting your fingers smelly.


----------



## Ironclad

lmao


----------



## Hampy71

^^^^^^^^^^^ brilliant!!


----------



## Hampy71

Enjoyed reading this thread. Some great jokes for my facebook page!!


----------



## BIG BUCK

Was on the train earlier today and across the carriage from a beautiful thai girl, i thought to myself "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection", but she did.


----------



## Hampy71

.


----------



## BIG BUCK

Hampy71 said:


> .


,


----------



## bowen86

Hampy71 said:


> .


heard this before.


----------



## Hampy71

Hampy71 said:


> .


Haha I really don't know what happened there!!


----------



## Conscript

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?...........................................Tequila!!!!!


----------



## The Ultimate Warrior

Some crackers in this thread.


----------



## puurboi

Ya know that god loves Japan. Just the other week he gave them a firm shake and a wave...


----------



## Big Kris

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You cant marmalade your c0ck up your missies bum :lol:


----------



## Gavinmcl

I was doing my girlfriend from behind last night when I slipped a chocolate egg up her bum,

Kinder Surprised her.


----------



## Jerky

I finished banging my new lass up the ar5e and she turned over and called me a patronising peadophile

i said there big clever words for an 8 year old


----------



## Jerky

Jordan has just bought a new rangerover which is kitted out with hair straighteners, a diamond dashboard and even strawberry flavoured rear windows for harvey


----------



## MRSTRONG

i had a danger [email protected] yesterday ... i waited behind the door while the post woman poked mail through the letter box while i came ...turned out it was only spunk mail


----------



## Gavinmcl

I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach,I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood.


----------



## Gavinmcl

A man and his wife went to the zoo. They noticed the gorilla got a hard on as he looked at the wife. Her husband says 'lift up ur skirt and flash ur knickers and tease him!' the ape goes mental. 'now get ur tits out!' the Ape goes fcuking beserk! The husband opens the cage and pushes the wife in 'now try telling THAT fcuker you've got a headache


----------



## YEHBUDDY

knock knock

who's there?

little boy blew

little boy blew who?

Michael Jackson


----------



## Sk1nny

I just had sex with Roy Walkers 15 year old daughter " it's good but its not right"


----------



## MRSTRONG

i put my cock in jim bowens daughters bum hole "innnnnnnnnn one"


----------



## Sk1nny

Kate Middleton. Anagram of 'naked tit model'.


----------



## The Ultimate Warrior

I put my cock in Bruce Forsythes ass and he said "oohhhhh hasn't he done well ladies and gentlemen"


----------



## powerhousepeter

My friend is in a wheelchair, so I gave him a chainsaw, wrapped him in tinfoil and sent him on Robot Wars.


----------



## powerhousepeter

Fernando Torres goes to the library and asks for a book on the net.Librarian says, "It's 12 yards in front of you." 90 minutes later Torres comes back and says, "I can't find it."


----------



## powerhousepeter

The jokes about Torres are just getting out of hand now, even Ji-Sung Park is getting in on the act by scoring with his eyes closed - cheeky bastard.


----------



## m575

rumour has it you got burgled last nite. you got two choices, suck the burglers c0ck or give him your computer

i see you still have your computer


----------



## Big Kris

Best chat up line of 2011 as voted for by Loose Women:

" I might only have a small dick but I can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tin"


----------



## Big Kris

I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "****ing kids!", and it played Michael Jackson


----------



## Guest

x


----------



## koicarp

A blone got a job as a teacher .she noticed a boy in the middle of the field

standin alone whilst the other kids running around and havin fun .she took pity on him and decided to speak to him .

you ok she said .

yes he repiled you can go and play with the others you know,

it s better if i stay here he said. why asked the blonde ,

The boy replied because im the fu----- goalkeeper .


----------



## maskill86

Elton John has been asked to sing at Bin Ladens memorial, he's decided to sing a remake of an old classic, he will be singing " Sandals in the Bin "


----------



## Hicup

Two Mexicans are on the run from the US army in the desert.

Starving, they spot a tree in the distance and as they get closer they see that it's draped with rashers of bacon.

'Hey, look, Pepe!' says Miguel, 'Ees a bacon tree! We saved!'

Miguel runs toward the tree but before he gets there he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

With his last breath, he shouts 'Run,amigo! Ees no a bacon tree - ees a ham bush!'...


----------



## Hicup

Paddy says 2 murphy 'I've been chattin 2 a 14yr old girl on the internet - she's funny, sexy an flirty. Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How cool is that at her age?'


----------



## Jack92

three blokes sitting at a bar

an african, an asian and an Englishman

a Jeanie walks upto them and sez, "i will give each of you one wish"

so the african goes "i wish all africans would return back to africa and have a long prosperous life"

the jeanie says "ok, done"

the asian then goes "i wish all asians would return back to asia and have a long prosperous life"

the jeanie says "ok, done"

the jeanie then goes to the englishman and says "what can i do for you sir"

the englishman says ''well i heard what they said so i'll have a diet coke'

hahahah


----------



## Mighty Sparrow

Bin Laden, he knew filling out his Census form was a bad idea...


----------



## PaulB

A man and his wife are on holiday in Jamaica and walk past a man selling magic sex sandals. The Jamaican says "Dees magic sex sandals will make ya a sex god man !"

The wife is intrigued and convinces her husband to try some on. As soon as he puts them on he grabs the Jamaican, bends him over and starts [email protected] him furiously.

The Jamaican screams " Fvck sake man, ya got dem on the wrong feet!"


----------



## Big Ackko

Two mice in an airing cupboard, which one is Scottish ? The one on the pipes. 

Which one is in the army? The one in the tank!!

I thank you.


----------



## Gavinmcl

My bird came up to bed the other night and said, 'I want something 10 inches long and full of spunk!.'

'No fcuking problem,' I replied and gave her one of my socks from under the bed!


----------



## Gavinmcl

My wife and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old wife. It totally ruined our 10th anniversary


----------



## powerhousepeter

Steven hawkings attempted suicide.....or task manager as we call it


----------



## powerhousepeter

What's Steven Hawkins favourite piece of meat to eat......shoulder


----------



## quinn85

bloke goes into the barbers to get his hair cut, has his daughter with him, she sits down, cake in her hand, he sits in the barbers chair. A few minutes in, the barber, to be friendly says to the daughter, 'you know you'll get hair on your muffin?' the daughter replies 'yeah...ill get t!ts aswell'


----------



## Hampy71

Bloke goes in a bar and orders 6 pints bitter, 6 pints lager, 6 pints Guinness and 6 pints cider. Landlord looks in amazement as the guy knocks back each pint in one until they are all gone. "do you sell shorts"? The guy asks. "yes of course sir, what would you like"? "give us a 32" waste please, I've just sh1t mine"!!!!


----------



## Danboon

What Was Micheal Jackson favourite Chinese meal?

Cream of Sum-Yun-Guy.


----------



## bowen86

1adf1 said:


> jelly baby goes to the docs and says doc iv got blue and pink spots all over my d1ck, doc says that's weird what you being doing


i dont get it


----------



## Hampy71

bowen86 said:


> i dont get it


X2


----------



## 1adf1

jelly baby goes to the docs, doc iv got blue and pink spots all over my d1ck, doc says that weird iv never seen that before pull down your pants and ill have a look. jelly baby pulls down his pants and the doc jumps back in amazement and says what you been doing, jelly baby says fcuking allsorts.


----------



## bowen86

you tease with the punchline.


----------



## PaulB

Theres a girl stood at the top of the stairs of a London bus wearing a short skirt and no knickers.

When the bus stops she shouts to the conductor "Is this Healing"

He says "From where Im standing it looks like it needs fookin stitches"


----------



## Patsy

How do you get a fat girl into bed?.... Piece of cake!


----------



## Beats

Met a bird the other night in a bar she was a total MILF!! after talking and drinking she asked if I wanted a mother daughter 3sum? so I said yes I'd love one!

We left the bar and went to her place as soon as she opened the door she shouted MUUMMMM


----------



## Hampy71

My next door neighbour just confronted me about items going missing from her washing line. I almost sh1t her knickers!!


----------



## EssexMalRider

PatWelsh said:


> How do you get a fat girl into bed?.... Piece of cake!


You read that one on this thread?


----------



## Gadgy

Whats harder then nailing a dead baby to a tree, my cock while Im doing it..... sorry


----------



## Gadgy

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome...... again sorry


----------



## Gadgy

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off...... Ha ha sorry


----------



## Gadgy

This one isnt sick

Why I fired my secretary:Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.""Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".And I just sat there...On the couch...Sobbing...Naked...and erect.


----------



## Mr_Morocco

Gadgy said:


> What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
> 
> When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off...... Ha ha sorry


Thats just sick, not funny at all. Delete the post IMO


----------



## Hampy71

YGabbana said:


> Thats just sick, not funny at all. Delete the post IMO


In fact delete all 3. You obviously have a pretty fvcked up sense of humour! I think most on here will agree "jokes" about dead babies are not welcomed here!!


----------



## Patsy

EssexMalRider said:


> You read that one on this thread?


No mate heard it the other day, has it been posted already? sorry if so


----------



## Gadgy

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?

A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.


----------



## Gadgy

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.


----------



## Jux

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question: Feminists can't change anything.


----------



## jamiedilk

sick cu nt u deserve to die a horrible death!!



Gadgy said:


> Whats harder then nailing a dead baby to a tree, my cock while Im doing it..... sorry


----------



## Rick_86

wtf Gadgy ???


----------



## Gadgy

jamiedilk said:


> sick cu nt u deserve to die a horrible death!!


calm down dear, its just a joke


----------



## JS95

I walked into my wife's hospital treatment room today, where she lay after being involved in an horrific car accident, suffering traumatic head injuries.

"Hi babe," I said opening the door. "How's your head?"

"I don't remember anything," she sighed. "Who are you?"

"Erm...sorry luv," I stuttered. "I've got the wrong room".


----------



## jamiedilk

i would if it was a joke but ur sick!!!



Gadgy said:


> calm down dear, its just a joke


----------



## Mighty Sparrow

Gadgy, sort ya post out you idiot!!


----------



## Mr_Morocco

I heard someone got banned for posting pictures or something..ban this sick **** for joking about dead babys and pedophile sh*t


----------



## Gadgy

So **** franky boyle jokes about **** like that all the time. Hes one of the countrys most popular comedians am guessing you lot dont like him. Its like animal porn, its not for everyone. Get over yourself


----------



## Gadgy

jamiedilk said:


> i would if it was a joke but ur sick!!!


Aww just noticed ya from the isle of wight... Sorry, dont see much of the real world do ya


----------



## Must_Be_HBFS

Gadgy said:


> So **** franky boyle jokes about **** like that all the time. Hes one of the countrys most popular comedians am guessing you lot dont like him. Its like animal porn, its not for everyone. Get over yourself


abit like me writting a one liner and no one laughing because it isn't funny then saying well, Jimmy car hits out with jokes like that and people find him funny.

just because it's the same kind of humour doesn't mean it's going to be funny.

and on that note:

Guy offered me a shot of his ice rink for 10p.. I thought wow, what a cheap skate.


----------



## Mr_Morocco

Gadgy said:


> So **** franky boyle jokes about **** like that all the time. Hes one of the countrys most popular comedians am guessing you lot dont like him. Its like animal porn, its not for everyone. Get over yourself


Boyle doesnt joke about dead babies, he jokes about diseases etc which is also sick but not as sick as talking about having a hard-on whilst nailing a dead baby to a tree.


----------



## Gadgy

Nooo nailing it with the hard on silly billy


----------



## Sk1nny

Gadgy said:


> What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
> 
> When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off...... Ha ha sorry


Negged you for this and put you in the red it seems


----------



## 3752

Gadgy said:


> Aww just noticed ya from the isle of wight... Sorry, dont see much of the real world do ya


say goodbye to everyone....


----------



## tuktuk

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Herse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. " Dave replies, "Well, we were married for nearly 20 years


----------



## Gavinmcl

Pan fried monkfish on a bed of wild rocket cous cous ,creamy dauphinoise potatoes covered in mature cheddar cheese and a melt in the middle chocolate sponge with Devon clotted cream...... I'm not just a looter, I'm a M&S looter


----------



## Ironclad

tuktuk said:


> Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Herse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. " Dave replies, "Well, we were married for nearly 20 years


 :lol:

More!


----------



## Ironclad

Gavinmcl said:


> I was doing my girlfriend from behind last night when I slipped a chocolate egg up her bum,
> 
> Kinder Surprised her.


hehehehe hahaha


----------



## H10dst

Stella Cidre.Because dyslexic people like beating their wives too.


----------



## H10dst

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


----------



## H10dst

I don't want you all to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.


----------



## H10dst

After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had." Aparently "Ditto" is not the right response!


----------



## Gavinmcl

What's eight inches long and makes my wife come?.... My thumb and middle finger when I click them.


----------



## Gavinmcl

Doctors in the Seychelles say the man chewed to fcuk by a shark did not suffer too much as he was only married for 11 days


----------



## Gavinmcl

My wife calls my d1ck "The Firework."Not because it lights up her evening, but because she likes to keep it at arms length since it went off in her face that one time.


----------



## Gavinmcl

Was chatting up a bird in the pub last night and I said " You remind me of my wee toe"......"Why,because I'm small and cute" ? "Naw,coz ahm gonny bang ye oan ma coffee table"


----------



## Nidge

As the paramedic put my wife into the ambulance he said, "I'm sorry but it doesn't look good"

I said, "At least you don't have to share a bed with it"


----------



## Nidge

My father told me that I was conceived in the back of a taxi today.

"I can't imagine mum doing that," I giggled. "What did the taxi driver say?"

"'Stop screaming or I'll slice your throat' from all accounts," he replied.


----------



## Jux

Nidge said:


> My father told me that I was conceived in the back of a taxi today.
> 
> "I can't imagine mum doing that," I giggled. "What did the taxi driver say?"
> 
> "'Stop screaming or I'll slice your throat' from all accounts," he replied.


Fvcking sick.

:lol:


----------



## Massevil

this black man goes to the doctor and says "doctor its been 3 days now and i cant stop running you have to help me!!!"

the doctor looks at the man already working up a sweat from running on the spot and says "i think ive got just the thing for you"

he goes in his draw and pulls out a white bag and racks up a line

"sniff this quickly" the doctor says

as if by magic the black man stops running instantly

the black man stood there amazed that he has been cured leans over and whispers to the doctor, "doc, what was that ? wast it...........cocaine ?"

the doctor looks back and tells him, " no, it was persil, stops colours running"


----------



## Massevil

a teacher is teaching her classin primary school

she says "ok kids its time for the geography lesson"

she proceeds to ask the class, "who can tell me where pakistan is ?"

the room is in total silence

teh teacher annoyed says "suerely one of you must know where pakistan is?!"

a little girl raises in the corner raises her hand and says "i think hes outside playing with paki steve"


----------



## Diegouru

Conversation between Doctor and his patient:

Dr. -" I´ve got two news for you, a good one and a bad one..."

P. -" Ok Dr, which is the bad one???"

Dr. -" Unfortunately Sr., I will have to amputate your legs..."

P. -"Oh my God...and which is the good new???????'"

Dr. -" The patient on the next bed wants to buy your shoes..."


----------



## Massevil

poor


----------



## Rob68

Just been sent this by text 

A fat bird walks by a pet shop and a parrott shouts `oi u `

She says `what?`

The parrott shouts ` yer a fat ugly cnut`

She storms away raging,the next day it happens again,

So she goes in and tells the owner if it happens again she`s telling the police

So the next morning she swaggers by

The parrott shouts `oi you`

She says `what?`

The parrott shouts ` you know fcuking what`


----------



## Ashcrapper

Afghan said:


> *Boyle doesnt joke about dead babies*, he jokes about diseases etc which is also sick but not as sick as talking about having a hard-on whilst nailing a dead baby to a tree.


yes he does


----------



## Ashcrapper

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.

He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.


----------



## Ashcrapper

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I've got the big C,"he said.

"What, cancer?"

"No, dyslexia."


----------



## Rob_14

i just had an argument with a girl i know. she was saying how that its unfair that is a guys fukcs a different girl every week, hes a legend. but if a girl fukcs 2 guys in a year she's a s1ut.

So in response i told her that if a key opens lots of lock, then its a master key. but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then its a sh1tty lock.

that shut her up


----------



## Rob_14

just had a water fight in the park with a bunch of local kids.

I WON

no1 was a match for me and my kettle


----------



## Mighty Sparrow

Silence is golden.

Duct tape is silver.


----------



## Rob_14

i told my daughter 2day that she reminded me of a toe.

"um bcuz im small and cute" she said

"no" i replied. "because ill probably end up banging u on the coffee table when im drunk"


----------



## Irish Beast

Rob_14 said:


> i told my daughter 2day that she reminded me of a toe.
> 
> "um bcuz im small and cute" she said
> 
> "no" i replied. "because ill probably end up banging u on the coffee table when im drunk"


Josef Fritzl is alive and well!


----------



## Irish Beast

I went to the Doctor the other day complaining that my eyes keep stinging after sex.

Apparently its something called mace.


----------



## Rob_14

i walked into my local chemist and asked the sales assistant if they sold vaseline.

"no im afraid were out of stock at the moment, have u tried boots?"

i looked at her and said "dont be daft, i wanna slide in not fukcing march in"


----------



## bennyrock

my name is Josef Fritzl and no windows was my idea.


----------



## Rob_14

a family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumbs against the windscreen.

embarrassed and to spare her young sons innocence. the mother turns around and says "dont worry, that was an insect"

to which her son replies " im surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that"


----------



## Rob_14

saw a chameleon today.

so i guess its safe to say it was a pretty **** chameleon.


----------



## bennyrock

dyslexia rules ko!!!!!!


----------



## Rob68

I was serving this smug cnut in a suit in burger king when he asked

`So do you enjoy your job then?`

`Yeah its ok ` i replied

He said `im designing a robot that,in years to come will take your place`

`Good luck teaching it to spit` i said,handing over his burger.


----------



## Guest

A plane has just crashed into a ferris wheel in australia.

Police say the pilot is slowly coming round


----------



## Hendrix

I shaged a mime artist last night........He did unspeakable things to me.


----------



## Hendrix

Made me laugh!!


----------



## LennyST8

At the inquest into Michael Jackson's death, the singer's physique has been questioned....

It seems his pyjama jacket was adult sized, yet he was able to squeeze into small boys bottoms...


----------



## Nidge

An ambulance screeches to a halt and a paramedic rushes up to my front door:

"Is this the address of the woman who has a vibrator stuck inside her?"

"Yes, this is the address, " I say. "The woman is my wife."

"This is not going to be easy," says paramedic. "Those things are tough to remove."

"Well," I said, "maybe just switch it off somehow. It's been disrupting my TV reception all afternoon."


----------



## HJL

i have a dentist apointment today


----------



## Nidge

A women goes into B&Q to buy a mirror,

Shop assistant says "would you like a screw for that"

"No thanks, but i'll suck your cock for a lawnmower!!"


----------



## HJL

two thirty.


----------



## Guest

Bloke see an ad in his local paer "Talking Dog For Sale."

He arranges to go round and see the animal, with a view to buying. When he gets there, a Labrador retriever is sitting in the living room.

"You talk?" the bloke asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6 about my gift, and in no time, at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered an Al Queda terrorist plot, and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed! He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Tenner" the owner says.

"Ten pounds? This dog is amazing. Why are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a ****ing liar.... He never did any of that ****!!!" :rolleye:


----------



## cypssk

an ice cream van just drove past advertising any flavour you can think of i asked for minge flavour cornet after the first lick i said to the ice cream man this tastes like **** take shorter licks he he replied


----------



## Gavinmcl

I was chatting up a Gypsy bird in the pub last night, when she asked if I'd like to go back to her place & have a good time.

She wasn't fcukin kidding either!!

I went on the waltzer, the dodgems & the ghost train.

I even came home with a goldfish!


----------



## Gavinmcl

Savin u money on food

Thats asda price

Savin u money on toys

Thats fisher price

Bumping into fridges and dribblin down his chin

Thats Harvey Price!


----------



## Gavinmcl

If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass


----------



## Gavinmcl

Son said to father, dad I'm gay. Dad said to other son, what about you? Son said I'm gay too dad. Dad said fcuk me dose'nt anyone in this family like fanny ? Daughter said, I do.


----------



## Zangief

A wife receives a phone call from the local police force "We have your husband here madam, he has been arrested for assaulting an African lady in B&Q and is claiming its your fault, he wants to speak with you"

When the mans wife got on the line she started shouting at him "why the fcuk have you done that you idiot"

"well" said the man "you told me to go to B&Q and find a black n decker!"


----------



## Hampy71

My next door neighbour caught me w4nking this morning. She came right up to the window and and went fvckin mental. "GET OUT OF MY FVCKIN GARDEN YOU DIRTY B4STARD" she shouted!!


----------



## Gavinmcl

Went to bed with 3 Thai girls last night - it was like winning the lottery! They had 6 matching balls.


----------



## 12 gauge

Read some of the reviews for a "*Myprotein Plastic Scoop (Large)"* they're funny.



> Alex Trickey (05-Sep-2011)Review:
> 
> For years now I have wondered just how top bodybuilders such as Jay cutler, Ronnie Coleman and Kai Greene reach the epitome of physical aesthetics, I researched and researched coming across various supplements of all shapes and sizes. From protein powders to pre-workout pills nothing seemed to work. But just last week I stumbled across Myproteins plastic scoop (Large) and my whole world changed, after just one week of taking 2 scoops of protein powder a day I was transformed into an aesthetic god that rivals the likes of Zyzz. I give this product 5 stars in every category except taste as eating the actual scoop is tasteless unless you add salt and pepper, although admittedly i have not yet tried melting the scoop down and consuming it. Keep up the good work myprotein and for only 59p I can purchase 4 a week on my wages.


----------



## Hampy71

Bloody hell my new local's rough. I went to the pub quiz last night and the first question was "what the **** are you looking at"


----------



## Hayesy

Why are pirates called pirates!?

Because they AAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


----------



## Hampy71

Hayesy said:


> Why are pirates called pirates!?
> 
> Because they AAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


Hahaha that is sh1t mate. You should be ashamed of yourself for that!!!


----------



## Ashcrapper

Just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.

Every time you open a door someone tells you to **** off.


----------



## Ironclad

:lol:


----------



## Welsh76

12 gauge said:


> Read some of the reviews for a "*Myprotein Plastic Scoop (Large)"* they're funny.


Yeah, there are some absolute corkers on there..



> I was dubious about the benefits of using a scoop however having read all the reviews I decided to invest. My training has reached new heights and I am beginning to see real gains - I started with the empty scoop and gradually added powder. After only 6 weeks I can now lift the whole scoop even when it if full of powder. Thank you MP


----------



## Milky

My mate was dead upset the other day, l asked " whats wrong mate ? "

He said " when l come to my car this morning someone had wrote "mong " on my window "

I said " dont let it bother you mate "

He said " it took me 20 mins to lick it off tho ! "


----------



## Ironclad

:rolleye:


----------



## cuggster

Roiders are like the sun, big, orange, and you never stare at the fcukers


----------



## Rob68

I phoned the police the other day " whats your emergency " they asked

I said " two girls are fighting over me"

"ok" she paused "well what`s the problem?"

"the fat ones winning"


----------



## Gavinmcl

My kids keep on taking the pi55 out of my alzheimers. Wait till the cheeky little fcukers wake up on christmas morning to find no eggs under the tree!


----------



## Ashcrapper

I've been blessed with a huge penis. Don't know why the priest didn't just do the sign of the cross like he did everyone else.


----------



## Guest

paddy's in a police line up for rape,

they bring the victim in at which point paddy steps forward and says: "yeah that's her, moody bitch"


----------



## andymc88

Don't no of this has been posted but I liked it

I'm going to surprise my lass at Christmas with one of them invisible baseball bats, she'll not see that cnut coming


----------



## Ackee&amp;Saltfish

ian-m said:


> share your funniest jokes/new jokes that are funny here give us all a laugh also add *who is your favourite comedian*...mine is chubby brown he is class


David Cameron

Nick Clegg

Theresa May

Dianne Abbot

in that order


----------



## Russs

The ginger woman at my work recently announced that she is pregnant by her black boyfriend. She was discussing possible baby names the other day, apparently "Terry The Chocolate Orange" is not tolerated and is enough to get you fired.


----------



## Ackee&amp;Saltfish

went in the local shop the other day and i noticed a black kid stood outside, when i came out he asked me "any change" i said no ur still black


----------



## Russs

There was a ginger guy using the self-checkout in Tesco earlier and the machine said "unexpected item in the bagging area".

Condoms.


----------



## Guest

I went to see the doctor today as I was having hearing problems, he asked me to describe the symptoms so I said "Well, Homer is an idiot and Marge has blue hair"


----------



## Gavinmcl

My wife came home from work last night and downed a pint of lager.

"Mm that was just like your willy", she smiled.

"What, really tasty", I chuckled.

"No", she laughed, "It didn't even touch the sides".


----------



## Gavinmcl

Red Indian introduced me to his wife...

"This is four horses....."

I said, wow

That's a beautiful name, What does it mean....?

He said,

Fcuking nag,nag,nag,nag!


----------



## Guest

Had some do-gooders at the door ask me to send clothes to the starvin Africans. They're takin the p!ss. If an African can fit into my clothes, believe me, he ain't starvin


----------



## Guest

I went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere.

Well played Wally, well played


----------



## Guest

I got mugged last night. 4 big blokes battered me. During the scuffle I did at least manage to knock one out, not the best time for a w*nk but I thought it might be my last


----------



## Guest

A Jamaican pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name!

Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew".


----------



## Guest

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"This is the pig I have to f**k when you're not up for sex."

His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep."

He says: " I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"


----------



## fitrut

people do crazy things 

http://www.odditycentral.com/funny/dutch-television-hosts-to-eat-each-others-flesh-on-live-tv.html


----------



## Jay.32

Italian divers, searching the costa Concordia, have found two Glaswegians at the bar. They've told the divers to fck off as they are all inclusive.


----------



## monsta

i've just been to my local chemist.. i said '' have you got some vaseline?'' the assistant says ''no, you'll need to try boots.'' i said '' i wanna slip in discretely not kick her fookin back door in''


----------



## adii-taff

some may not like this.

what the difference between jesus and a prostitute ?

The look on their face when their gettin nailed.


----------



## monsta

whats the difference between a prostitute and a cream egg?................................................................................you know what you're licking with a cream egg


----------



## Wheyman

You momma is so fat,

even N.A.S.A couldn't make her weightless


----------



## monsta

has anyone else seen the video of those 4 u.s. marines p155ing on the dead taliban? it disgusted me....................................you would think that at least 1 out of for would have needed a sh1t


----------



## monsta

i have just had amazing sex with a woman at the magners factory........................................and she let me come in cider


----------



## Steuk

Gonna get slated for this but......

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.


----------



## Hendrix

I have spent all weekend working on a new driving website for women, but it kept crashing


----------



## monsta

Q: whats worse than a male chauvanist?

A: a women that wont do what you tell her.


----------



## Hayesy

What did stephen hawkins say when his computer crashed!?

fuk all


----------



## Dux

My wife is into self harm.

She keeps arguing back.


----------



## monsta

NEWSFLASH: two asin brothers killed when they fell through ice on a lake in birmingham.

I.T.V. are to make a documentary about the third brother who survived the ordeal.

Dan Singh on ice will be aired at the weekend


----------



## monsta

three protestant kids where walking down by the river when they came across a catholic priest drowning.

the kids all looked at each other and agreed they needed to save him. when he regained his breath he offered each kid in turn any present they liked. this is what they asked for.

kid 1: i would love a new bike cos i aint never had a new bike

kid 2: i would like a playstation cos my ma cant afford one

kid 3: i would like the biggest funeral ever with all the best flowers and all ma friends to come and have a great party.

priest says ''my child, why do you talk like this?''

kid 3: cos when i get home and my ma ''n'' da find out i saved a catholic priest they gonna fookin kill me


----------



## monsta

i took out a gorgeous girl for a meal last weekend and she ordered all the most expensive dishes on the menu.

i said '' does your mother feed you like that at home?''

she said ''no but she isn't expecting a blow job on the way home tonight''

i said ''good point,enjoy your meal''


----------



## Hendrix

Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs..........Stephen Hawkins after a house fire.


----------



## Dux

I've just seen Stephen Hawking withdraw from a cash machine.

It's nice to see he's found someone at last.


----------



## Gavinmcl

George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner saying . . .

'I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising


----------



## monsta

The English referees association have just voted that any player passing the ball to Torres or Carroll will be booked for time wasting


----------



## monsta

my wife just came in with a packet of olympic condoms for this summer's big event.......i said '' shall i wear gold? ''the colour of champions''......she said '' why dont you try wearing silver and coming second for a fookin change''.


----------



## monsta

Wife comes home early & catches hubby having a \/\/@nk in the kitchen. She rushes over & gives him the blow job of his life. After it he says... "We haven't had sex for 6 months & suddenly this! Why?" She answers... "l only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather brush my teeth than clean the floor again!"


----------



## Dux

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a sh1t."


----------



## Ashcrapper

A fat bird walks by a pet shop and a parrot shouts "oi you" she says "what?", the parrot shouts "yer a fat ugly ****" she storms away raging, the next day it happens again so she goes in and tells the owner if it happens again shes telling the police, so the next morning she swaggers by and the parrot shouts "oi you" she says "what?" the parrot shouts "you ****in know what"


----------



## Hayesy

what did Michael jackson say when he crossed the road

Fuk all because hes dead!


----------



## Dux

Virgin Broadband

The two main ingredients needed for a World Of Warcraft profile.


----------



## Steuk

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.....


----------



## AK-26

3 missionaries on a plane crash on an unknown tropical island, and are captured by the native cannibals.

Chief says to missionaries "the three of you must go into the jungle and each return with 10 fruits"

Missionary 1 returns with 10 apples

Chief: "now you must put each one up your a*s without making a single sound or facial expression or else we will eat you alive"

Missionary 1 starts to cry and scream in pain after the second apple and is eaten alive.

Missionary 2 returns with 10 cherries

Chief: "now you must put each one up your a*s without making a single sound or facial expression or else we will eat you alive"

Missionary 2 manages to put 9 up his a*s before bursting into a fit of uncontrolable laughter and is then eaten alive.

Missionary 1 & 2 meet up in heaven

Missionary 1: "why on earth did you start laughing? You had one more to go and you would have gotten away you fool!!"

Missionary 2: "I couldn't help it mate, I saw the next guy coming along with 10 pineapples!!"


----------



## Al n

I had to come clean earlier and confess to being arrested for assault on new years eve. It was nearly midnight, I was pi55ed and to be fair, if there was a muslim sporting a backpack stood next to you shouting 10, 9, 8... you would probably have reacted the same.


----------



## latblaster

Why do paki's cry during sex?

Coz of pepper spray!


----------



## Ashcrapper

latblaster said:


> Why do paki's cry during sex?
> 
> Coz of pepper spray!


uh oh


----------



## Matt 1

What's hairy on the outside, sticky and wet on the inside and begins with the letter C and ends in the letter T ?

Coconut


----------



## southerncomfort

What's the only ship never to have docked in Liverpool?

The Premiership!!!


----------



## Dux

My girlfriend asked me where I wanted to be buried.

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't a good answer.


----------



## monsta

''PREMATURE EJACULATOR''.........................................seeks sexy blonde female with massive T1T5 and a shaved..................................................wait...................................hang on...........................................oh, it don't matter now


----------



## Keeks

Paddy asks Murphy, "Can you spell orange?"

Murphy replies, "The fruit or the colour?"


----------



## Dux

My wife has got this really annoying habit of coming home from work every day.


----------



## Dux

My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't effect our sex life.

She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.


----------



## Gavinmcl

Paddy says to Mick "found this pen, is it yours?" Mick replies "Dont know, give it here" he then tries it & says "yes it is". Paddy asks "How do you know?" Mick replies, "Thats my handwriting".


----------



## monsta

anyone else watch the africa nations cup earlier? the ethiopians where singing who ate all the flies


----------



## monsta

my wife said ''i bet you can't go a week without making jokes about my period'' i said o.k. you're on'' she said '' see, you fooking just can't can ya?''


----------



## Pkant2002

Bill-87 said:


> A Bloke got a phonecall off the Police saying "your house has been broken into, they drank your last five cans of Stella and raped your Wife". He said "I can't believe they've f*cked our lass after only five cans".


I have only read to page 19 but this made me laugh so much.


----------



## monsta

A young Arab asked his father.

-What is this weird hat we wear father?

-It's a ''chechia'' it protects our heads from the hot sun in the desert...........

-And what is this weird clothing we wear father?

-It's a ''djbellah''it keeps our bodies cool in the desert sun..........................

-And what are these silly looking ugly shoes we wear father?

These are ''babouches'' they keep us from burning our feet in the desert sands

-Tell me father...

-Yes my son................................

-Why the fooook do we need to wear all this in BRADFORD


----------



## tony10

some african bloke walked into my pub holding a bucket this afternoon. ha handed it to me and said "can you fill this up with water for me please" i said blimey how many miles have you walked for this? he said none you cheeky cvnt im the new window cleaner.


----------



## Foamy

I found my nan dead in her bed this morning. I was absolutely gutted.

I put my arm around her, held her and started to cry. It was then I noticed she was naked.

I ended up ****ing her and just as I was about to come up her arse she shouted "BOOOO".

I mean, what sort of sick twat pretends to be dead?


----------



## Foamy

Since my wife took everything in the divorce I've been looking for a way to take the smug grin off of her face.

It turns out sulphuric acid works a treat.


----------



## fitrut

http://www.break.com/index/phone_sex_operator_prank_call.html


----------



## monsta

a kid says to his dad....... ''what does a vagina look like?''....... his dad says...... '' before or after sex?''...... the son says.... ''before''.... his dad says.... ''well, you have seen a beautiful flower with all the petals unfolding ?'....' the son says.... ''yes''.... his dad says ....''well thats what it looks like''.... it's a beautiful sight''....

....the son then says.... '' what about after sex?'....' his dad says............................ '' have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?''..................


----------



## live4ever33

A women walks into a chemist and asks the pharmacist "Do you sell extra large condoms?" the pharmacist says "Yes, would you like to buy some?" The women replys "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does"


----------



## JimboSlice1436114820

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.


----------



## biglbs

I made it, said Paddy,No i did,said Mick,no i did,said paddy,and so on for half and hour snatching it back each time.

Well i set it for 30 mins,oh.........................................................,................................................................

I.R.A. bomb maker req please apply mention,App nos 10,000.


----------



## Patsy

Remember when i was a kid and my dad telling me when the icecream man chimes it means he has none left!


----------



## Foamy

I can't believe it. I've just been sacked as the manager of our local limbo dancing team.

The cheek of it, I bent over backwards for them cnuts.


----------



## Foamy

Sorry about that ^^^^ :ban:


----------



## BigAd

ok dont ban me but....

Whats the best thing about shaggin 28 year olds...

theres 20 of em!!!


----------



## Hendrix

I just spent the last 15 mins getting bummed by my uncle in jail............Its about time he stopped taking monopoly so serious.


----------



## Foamy

So, Fabio Capello is leaving the England post.

What a suprise, another Italian deserting a sinking ship.


----------



## tony10

whitney houston is to make another movie. called the bodybag.


----------



## Prophecy

I bought a dog off a blacksmith the other day. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door!


----------



## Steuk

Woman goes to doctors and says:

Doctor, I'm really worried, I've been taking steroids and I've grown a penis!?

Doc: anabolic?

Woman: no just a penis.


----------



## liam0810

My wife has just filed for divorce and put it down to my obsession with the internet, the worst thing is our son Google agrees


----------



## supermancss

BIGLBS385 said:


> I made it, said Paddy,No i did,said Mick,no i did,said paddy,and so on for half and hour snatching it back each time.
> 
> Well i set it for 30 mins,oh.........................................................,................................................................
> 
> I.R.A. bomb maker req please apply mention,App nos 10,000.


Both barely made any sense, considering you have 1000 posts in a month, you must be spouting alot of rubbish haha


----------



## bluesteel

whats white and carries buckets of water on its head?

nothing.


----------



## bluesteel

why did the little girl drop her ice cream?

she got hit by a bus.


----------



## liam0810

Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.


----------



## Hampy71

bluesteel said:


> whats white and carries buckets of water on its head?
> 
> nothing.


WTF?


----------



## Merouria

Hampy71 said:


> WTF?


I guess something to with africans having to carry water buckets, very bad joke imo...


----------



## Rob68

I accidently took some rohypnol last night ................. Hours later i woke up naked having just had a w4nk i didnt want .


----------



## Rob68

I`ll never forget how happy i was when i saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable

It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was stood beside me

I gave her a cheeky wink and said `get that trolley here love,there doing 3 cases of stella for the price of 2`


----------



## andyparry123

Syko said:


> I approached this fat chick in a nightclub and asked her if she had a pen.
> 
> She was all excited about the fact that she had a man showing her intrest and gave me a smile and said "Yes i have"
> 
> As she reached for her bag i said "Well you'd better get back in it then before the farmer discovers you got out!"


Bastard.. will have to stop myself using this next time I'm out!


----------



## infernal0988

mommy mommy why is daddy running all over the garden??? Shut up boy and give me more of those shells!


----------



## infernal0988

Dad what a vagina? Thats something that daddy loves getting from mom son! But daddy? Then whats a cuunt then? Thats the rest of her son the rest of her.


----------



## jazzmc

TheBigBang said:


> I went out with a girl last week, she told me she wanted to be 'treated like a Princess'
> 
> So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.


Ooooft lol


----------



## QUEST

Paddy wanted to sell his car so his mate told him to wind the mileage back and he would get a better price when he saw him a few days later he asked how he got on and paddy said when he finished winding it back it only had 2000 on the clock so he decided to keep it...


----------



## Omada

Young boy is in the bath with his mother when he innocently looks up at her, points to her vagina and says "mum what's that between your legs"

In a panic the woman replies "that's where your daddy hit me with an axe."

The young boy ponders this for a second and replies "wow what a shot, right in the cnut"


----------



## Guest

A social worker visited a nursing home and asked an old lady "Have you been bed-ridden since you got here?"

The old lady replied "A couple of times but I prefer it from behind over my walking frame".


----------



## Davey666

According to recent studies, blowjobs are the healthiest breakfast, as it comes with a sausage, 2 nuts & a protein shot.

So do the women in your life a favour and pass this message on so they stay healthy.....

Suck a dick and dont get sick.


----------



## Hampy71

My girlfriend left me because of my fetish for touching pasta.Im feeling cannelloni right now!!


----------



## Heath

What's the difference between Fernando Torres and Ched Evans?

Ched Evans scores when he wants


----------



## Ashcrapper

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward and mutters

"Too ****ing late pal, the paperworks already done"


----------



## WilsonR6

What's blue and doesn't like sex?

The baby in my freezer

Too much?


----------



## Guest

Paddy and Mick go on a rollercoaster.

Mick says to Paddy "If we turn upside down, do you think we'll fall out?"

Paddy says "Will we fvck, we've been mates for years!"


----------



## ShibbyFly

I wasn't sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until i saw a dragon and shat myself.


----------



## Heath

I'm so jealous of my son. I think our local Priest is teaching him magic.

Whenever he comes back from Sunday School, apparently he's not allowed to tell me what they did there.


----------



## Gavinmcl

Sanjay, the Indian wife beater, headbutts his wife at 7.30 every night......on the dot!!


----------



## Gavinmcl

My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday. I was so fcuking angry. What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers.


----------



## tony10

a black boy sitting at the dinner table picking his nose.

his mum says "winston stop doing that"

winston replies "all the white kids do it"

his mum replies "not with a fcking spoon they dont"


----------



## tony10

2 irish men were speeding along the m62, when a police car pulled alongside and waved them down.

of course they stopped and one of the policemen came and tapped on the window.

paddy rolled down the window and the copper said we are looking for two rapists.

paddy quickly rolled the window back up and started to argue with murphy.

after a couple of minutes paddy rolls back down the window and says "ok we'll do it"


----------



## NitroJoe

My thai girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't get in the way of our sex life. She might be right but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one!


----------



## QUEST

me and the wife were in the shopping center earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a group of young girls, all wearing next to nothing pouring out of hmv. "phoarr!" i said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "i bet you'd fuking love to have legs like her". she didn't respond, but i could tell she was upset. i could hear the sobs as i wheeled her up the ramp into debenhams.


----------



## Lazyballs

The wife asked me last night if I could be more like Man Utd during sex."What do u mean?" i asked. She replied "Stay on top for ages and then come second"


----------



## Ashcrapper

Lazyballs said:


> The wife asked me last night if I could be more like Man Utd during sex."What do u mean?" i asked. She replied "Stay on top for ages and then come second"


Joke doesn't work kid


----------



## BIG BUCK

Your mums so fat.........................she heard it was chilli out so she ran inside to get a bowl.


----------



## QUEST

me birds bin moanin about avin small t!ttys so i sed to er,`wrap loadsa sh!t roll round ya hands an rub them inbetween ya boobs an thatl make them bigger`she looked at me like i was a dik an said `wot,an that'll deffo make them bigger like`so i said `well it worked on ya fookin a$$$ bitch!!!!!!!


----------



## bowen86

LER said:


> me birds bin moanin about avin small t!ttys so i sed to er,`wrap loadsa sh!t roll round ya hands an rub them inbetween ya boobs an thatl make them bigger`she looked at me like i was a dik an said `wot,an that'll deffo make them bigger like`so i said `well it worked on ya fookin a$$$ bitch!!!!!!!


Your signature and your post are worlds apart, in terms of grammer.


----------



## Ashcrapper

bowen86 said:


> Your signature and your post are worlds apart, in terms of *grammer*.


ok Kelsey, was that done on purpose? YOU DECIDE!


----------



## bowen86

perposs.


----------



## Ashcrapper

bowen86 said:


> perposs.


never doubted you for a second


----------



## QUEST

copy & pasted mate ...........grammer lol ....it's grammar.. mg: ............................sh!t here's the


----------



## Gavinmcl

3 Mice in a Glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk about who's the hardest...

Aberdeen Mouse says:

"I go up to mousetraps, rip the cheese oot & as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times & throw it across the room!"

Edinburgh Mouse says: "YOU POOF!" "I get rat poison, crush it into powder & snort it!" Glasgow Mouse finishes his beer, gets up & walks to the door... "Where are you going?" Asked the other 2? "home to shag the Cat!"


----------



## Gavinmcl

What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead Ant, Dead Ant....Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Annnntttt.......


----------



## Gavinmcl

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. They get really fcuked when you ask them for a coat hanger.


----------



## Gavinmcl

My uncle always boasts that he can pleasure himself for hours and hours. I just wish he wouldn't rub it in my face.


----------



## Foamy

A pikey comes home to find his teenage daughter masterbating with a cucumber. He says "that's disgusting, I'm supposed to be eating that tonight and now it's going to taste of cucumber".


----------



## skd

An irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex,

Doctors removed 2 nokias 3 motorolas and a samsung,

No siemen was found.


----------



## QUEST

Little Johnny hears a noise and peeps into his parents room to check it out. He finds his Mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. His dad sees Johnny and winks. Afterwards Dad goes to check on Johnny. He finds grandma bent over the dresser and Johnny going at it from behind her. Dad yells "What the hell are you doing?! "Johnny winks back and replies "Not so fuking funny when it's your Mum is it......


----------



## Bulk1

what's pink and wrinkly and hangs out ur granddads underpants.

your nan.


----------



## Andy 67

Why must you never let Bolton Wanderers take your dog for a walk ?

They always throw the lead away


----------



## Andy 67

Little orphan says to his social worker - I don't like my foster parents, they beat me. Can I be fostered with Bolton Wanderers - they never fcuking beat anyone.


----------



## Steuk

Man runs into a doctors surgery shouting:

"doctor doctor I only have 59 seconds to live!"

Doctor "ok just wait her a minute"


----------



## k3z




----------



## bowen86

LER said:


> copy & pasted mate ...........grammer lol ....it's grammar.. mg: ............................sh!t here's the


ok.


----------



## Gavinmcl

If someone with a baby sits next to me on a plane, I smile politely and say "I'm legally obligated to tell you I'm a level 3 sex offender."


----------



## Gavinmcl

Worried about your penis size?????.....

Try sticking it up your wife's ars3 and I guarantee she will say "it's too big!"


----------



## Super_G

Dora the explora has just been revamped and released in Afghanistan

Look out for "Dode the Exploda"


----------



## Gavinmcl

What do a blowjob and a woolly jumper have in common?? They both feel rough when you get them from your Granny.


----------



## Super_G

Two guys and a Pakistani sitting at a table in the pub talking about who is hardest,

First guy stands up and says "I am the hardest, I am a f*cking CIA agent"

Second guy stand up and says "no, I am the f*cking hardest, I am a KGB agent"

Pakistani guy gets up and says "no!! I'm am de hardest, I'm a muthaf*cking News Agent....."


----------



## t hall gym

Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a paedophile.

Not me, I live next door to a stunning 14 year old with a tight **** and cracking tits


----------



## Dux

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said "Is this your wife sir?"

I answered "Yes."

They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said "I know, but she takes it up the **** and she's good with the kids."


----------



## Gavinmcl

A duck walks into a bar....

Got any bread?

Barman says no..

Got any bread?

No..

Got any bread?

No..

Got any bread?

No..

Got any bread?

No we haven't got any bread, ask me again and i'll nail your fcuking beak to the bar, you irritating little bastard...

Got any nails?

No!

Got any bread?


----------



## Irish Beast

Husband and wife are in a restaurant. Husband shouts at the waiter "Hi w4nker come and take my order"

So the waiter comes over.

Husband says "Right I'll have some of that f.ucking turkey a big helping of duck, and it better not be fu.cking burnt. While your at it bring me some pheasant and partridge you lazy cu.nt.

As the waiter is walking away the wife ushers him over and whispers into his ear "You'll have to excuse my husband, he's in a fowl mood today"


----------



## shoulders

question: are there to many imigrants in britain ????

17% said yes

11% said no

72% said "i am not understanding the question please"


----------



## shoulders

parliment has just passed a new allowance. Now gay men looking for a partner are entitled to more money.

its called "knobseekers allowance"

just letting you know so you can put in your claim


----------



## Irish Beast

Paddy and his wife are concerned that Paddys wife cannot orgasm during sex. They visit their GP who explains to Paddy that his wife must try to relax more, and that perhaps they should buy a fan to cool them down during the love-making.

Paddy - being too tight to buy a fan - asks his mate to come round and waft a towel to create a draft and keep them cool. On saturday night the mate comes round and Paddy begins making love to his wife, they try and try and try but no matter what they do Paddys wife cannot orgasm. So Paddy decides he and his mate should switch places.

Paddys mate and Paddy wife start making love and Paddy is wafting the towel, all three are giving it their all. After about 20 or 30 mins Paddy wife lets out her moans and groans after a mind blowing orgasm.

Paddy looks at his mate with a tear in his eye and says "THAT! my friend is how you waft a fu.cking towel!!!"


----------



## SATANSEVILTWIN

hypothetically speaking............

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."


----------



## Lazyballs

The 200 polish fans arrested after yesterdays game have been found guilty of violent disorder and Have been deported back to Belfast


----------



## Ashcrapper

Lazyballs said:


> The 200 polish fans arrested after yesterdays game have been found guilty of violent disorder and Have been deported back to Belfast


what flight they on?


----------



## Natty.Solider

What do you call an Alligator in a vest?

An investigator.


----------



## SATANSEVILTWIN

Grammar - The difference between knowing your s h i t, and knowing you're s h i t!


----------



## SATANSEVILTWIN

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse


----------



## Rob68

An old lady was walking home from the bingo one night,when suddenly she gets dragged into the bushes ....

`Help,help,im being robbed ` she cried

The man replied

`your not getting robbed your getting shagged`

As he unzips his trousers,the old lady looked down at his c0ck and says

`well if your shagging me with that ...im getting robbed`


----------



## Andy 67

When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother, what would I be

Will I be pretty

Will I be rich

Here's what she said to me

"Son - we need to fcuking talk !"


----------



## Andy 67

Ralph & Edna were patients at a mental hospital.

They were larking about by the swimming pool when Ralph lost his footing & fell into the deep end. Remembering that Ralph couldn't swim, Edna jumped in, swam over to Ralph & dragged him to safety.

A couple of hours later, Edna was ushered in to see the head of the hospital.

"I have some good news & some bad news Edna. The good news is that today you showed that you are capable of acting in a perfectly rational & selfless manner. Seems your treatment here has been successful, and we are happy to discharge you now."

"Oh wonderful !" beamed Edna.

"The bad news is that unfortunately, Ralph is dead. He's hung himself in his room. Must have been very shortly after you saved his life. I'm really sorry - I know you two were friends."

"No," said Edna, "He didn't kill himself - he was soaking wet, so I hung him up to dry. When can I go home ?"


----------



## George-Bean

Rodney King has been found dead in his swimming pool full of drugs in L.A.. The police wish to know where Micheal Barrymore was at the time.


----------



## Kennyken

These jokes about WW2 are getting tired.

Auschwitz the old and in with the Jew.


----------



## Kennyken

What do you call an argument between an

Argentinian and an Indian?

A bit of Argy Bhaji


----------



## Kennyken

My mate Andy is brilliant at everything. So good he can even do stuff just as good with both hands.

His names Andy Dextrous


----------



## Kennyken

Five out of four males are too busy masturbating when they're meant to be revising fractions.


----------



## Ashcrapper

Yesterday I took the wife to the doctors to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have it....... I AM a **** and she does want me to **** off


----------



## Lazyballs

Dear all, I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm. If you can't come, let me know...


----------



## Rob68

I was furious when i found my missus profile on an online dating site

The lying bitch isnt `fun to be around`


----------



## Lazyballs

A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up & down & nipples sticking out in the cold. His colleagues have kicked his ****ing head in!


----------



## koicarp

im not saying my girlfriend is a slag but even the labels say next


----------



## koicarp

just lost the first leg in the world foreskin tugging championships

but i think i can pull it back


----------



## QUEST

I found an iPhone on the bus today, so called the number in the contacts that said 'Home'.

"Hello!" I said when they answered. "I've found your phone on the bus."

"Oh, that's fantastic," the woman sighed with relief.

"I know it fookin great " I replied, "How do I work the camera?"........................


----------



## 2H3ENCH4U

Its national mint chocolate day today ...

doesn't start till after eight tho :lol:


----------



## Lazyballs

Why aren't there any male agony aunts? This is why....

DEAR JIM: I left home for work last week & after less than a mile my car stalled & I had to walk home.

When I got there I found my 18 year old babysitter,Stark naked,Cuffed to the bed & my husband kneeling behind, ****ing the **** off her.

I am devastated, can you help?

JIM: A common cause of vehicles breaking down is dirt in the fuel lines.If not,It may be the alternator. Hope this advice helps


----------



## Bodybuilder11

Here about the irishman that farted in the bath?

Drowned himself trying to smell it.

Here about the gay magician?

Dissappeared with a poof.


----------



## Gavinmcl

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.... It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex


----------



## Gavinmcl

Paddy's wedding night and his new bride is lying naked on the bed with legs spread open. She says to Paddy "you know what I want?" To which Paddy replies"all the fcuking bed by the look of it!"


----------



## Jay.32

A girls calls her mother, "mum im getting a divorce", why the mother asks, shocked.

"mum all he wants is anal s*x, I used to have a lovely little ars*hole the size of a 5p piece. Now its the size of a 50p piece.

The mother replies, Sweetie, you have a lovely porsche, a platinum credit card, a villa in barcelona, kids in private school, and 6 holidays a year. Do you really want to give all that up for the sake of 45p?


----------



## Ashcrapper

Jay.32 said:


> A girls calls her mother, "mum im getting a divorce", why the mother asks, shocked.
> 
> "mum all he wants is anal s*x, I used to have a lovely little ars*hole the size of a 5p piece. Now its the size of a 50p piece.
> 
> The mother replies, Sweetie, you have a lovely porsche, a platinum credit card, a villa in barcelona, kids in private school, and 6 holidays a year. Do you really want to give all that up for the sake of 45p?


have you got her husbands number?


----------



## Blinkey

Not a joke but actually a real life event. Myself ,my manager and my workmates had to go on a team bonding event. The instructor said, " On every course I do there is a always a cuunt, but the worst of it is he never knows it is him."

My manager said, " So who is it then?"

We were nearly blue in the face trying not to laugh


----------



## Gavinmcl

I see Jimmy Savilles family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing around it as a sign of respect to his victims. So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it. Just what Jimmy would have wanted.


----------



## Gavinmcl

"Now then. Now then. Now then. Guys and gals. Welcome to Top of the Pops.Straight in at thirteen .... me!"


----------



## Gavinmcl

Susan boyle has handed back her jim il fix it medal in disgust at the way she was treated......

He never touched her!!


----------



## PaulB

Jimmy likes them young indeed.

Pubes are things he doesnt need.

He pulls at Early Learning Centres.

Girls so young he smells placentas.

"Now then, now then; panties down"

Demands the white-haired paedo clown.

Come on child; don't be a flirt, His hands already up her skirt.

On his knee was getting scary,

fingers near her hairless Mary.

Beyond too young he wasn't fickle,

when engaged in slap and tickle.

Backstage antics were a plenty,

best to stick to back door entry.

He splashes out upon her bits.

And where, in future, will be tits.

He's due on air; he'll have to hurry.

Jim'll fix it don't you worry.


----------



## IGotTekkers

2 snowmen were stood at the top of a hill. One turned to the other and asked "can you smell carrot?"

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah


----------



## Deeboy

Paddy & Murphy fancy a pint but only have a euro between them. Paddy goes off & buys a sausage.

Murphy says, "Are you mad? Now we're skint!"

"Come on" says Paddy, "Follow me."

They go into the pub, order 2 pints & drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans & tells Murphy to get down on his knees & suck it. The barman goes berserk & throws them out.

10 pubs & pints later Murphy says, "I can't do this anymore, my knees are sore & I'm ****ed."

"How do you think I feel?" Says Paddy, "I can't remember which pub I lost the sausage in!"


----------



## Gavinmcl

Whats the difference between a greyhound and Jimmy Saville?

At least the greyhound waits for the hare to appear.


----------



## Gavinmcl

4 words you never want to hear after sex: "HOWS ABOUT THAT THEN"!


----------



## powerhousepeter

Apparently Steven hawkings can now Achieve an erection...........he turned off his pop up blocker


----------



## QUEST

A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says "NO! I am married to god!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver says "She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the grave yard, why don't you dress up in a hooded robe; go to the grave yard and tell her you are God and demand sex?

The hippie tries this and to his surprise the nun says "Yes but only if we have anal sex as I want to keep my virginity"

They have passionate bum sex and when they are done the hippie throws off his

robe and cries "ha ha, I'm the hippie!!!"

The nun cries out "ha ha, I'm the bus driver!


----------



## QUEST

Paddy and Mick go on a roller-coaster.

Mick says to Paddy "if we go upside down, do you think we'll fall out"

Paddy says "will we fuk, we'll always be mates"

old one but still funny.....


----------



## Ashcrapper

Catholic boy in confession says bless me Father I have sinned, I had a wank while thinking about my sister.That's a disgrace said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers


----------



## latblaster

A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.

He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.


----------



## pYp3s

I have a really good one! its called

Manchester United..


----------



## latblaster

Ascendant said:


> Lame.


For those of us who are a little slow, the word is LAMB not Lame, it's no wonder the joke wasn't appreciated.


----------



## pYp3s

Ascendant said:


> Q: how do you know if your house was robbed by a chinese man?
> 
> A: when you get home, your maths homework is done, your computer has been upgraded two versions, but two hours later the guy is still trying to reverse out of your drive


this is good lol


----------



## latblaster

pYp3s said:


> this is good lol


Don't encourage him ffs! :lol:


----------



## TheHandsomeOne

Why did the lizard go on a diet?

It was too heavy for its scales

:lol:


----------



## MF88

TheHandsomeOne said:


> Why did the lizard go on a diet?
> 
> It was too heavy for its scales
> 
> :lol:


----------



## QUEST

The wife was trying to be sexy last night lying on the bed sliding a lollipop in and out of herself and licking it. "Steady on love" I said "you'll be needing that in the morning to cross the kids across the road.....


----------



## Gavinmcl

How about this idea for awards in industry

A British engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.....

He says Prophets are going through the roof.


----------



## Gavinmcl

I fully support Rio Ferdinand's idea to form a breakaway union for Black footballers. I suggest they call themselves the "Association Promoting Equality in Sport"

Or APES for short.


----------



## Gavinmcl

A sultry, over the shoulder stare followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world....

Not during a rectal exam though according to my doctor.


----------



## Gavinmcl

Ally McCoist dressed up as a pumpkin for Halloween in the hope that he would turn into a coach at midnight!


----------



## Mark2021

Celtic manager Neil Lennon and player Niall McGinn have been sent bullets in the post. Royal Mail have admitted that their new 370 metres per second delivery promise was a little ambitious...


----------



## Lazyballs

Funniest thing I've ever watched this guy is funny


----------



## rumbaba

skinnyfat said:


> What's the most popular chat up line in a gay bar?
> 
> Can I push in your stool?


Don't know about the best chat up line, but I do know you never ask;"are you positive?" and never offer a toast with the line;"bottoms up"


----------



## latblaster

Apparently I can't do anything right. I bought a bottle of Mr Muscle Drain Unblocker to remove the pubes... and now it's my fault the wife can't have babies.


----------



## lucs

All these years thinking I had a birth mark on my ****, now it turns out to be a cigar burn, hows about that then!!


----------



## QUEST

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay... Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick tw*ts like you that give us Irish a bad name!! I'd come over there & kick the

f*ck out of you if I could swim!!!'


----------



## latblaster

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."


----------



## Ashcrapper

latblaster said:


> I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
> 
> "That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
> 
> "I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."


hahahahaha!!!


----------



## H10dst

I was with this really fit bird and was so turned on that I couldn't help having a cheeky **** under the sheet.

Either she didnt notice or was to polite to mention, but she just carried on cutting my hair.


----------



## latblaster

H10dst said:


> I was with this really fit bird and was so turned on that I couldn't help having a cheeky **** under the sheet.
> 
> Either she didnt notice or was to polite to mention, but she just carried on cutting my hair.


True story mate? :lol:


----------



## shauny13

A bloke goes to the doctor with a nasty rash down below,

"you'll have to stop masturbating" says the doc,

"why's that?" he replied,

"because i'm trying to examine you" says the doc.

boom boom


----------



## latblaster

Stuart Hall + Rohypnol

It's a knockout !


----------



## QUEST

Murphy & Mary decided to try a 69. Murphy's never tried it so Mary says she'll show him. She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face she farts. Apologising, she tries again but farts again. Murphy jumps up and storms out yelling,?"You can fuk right off if you think I'm hanging around for another 67 of them!..


----------



## Ashcrapper

Santa says to Rudolf,

"I'm getting sick of this. It's the same old shit, year after year. Running about all over the place like a **** in a stupid red costume, and at the end of it I always end up with **** all."

Rudolf replies,

"Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels."


----------



## Mackerel

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.

when I give it to her tomorrow, I'll tell her it's actually pronounced 'spade'

My girlfriend asked me what I'd like to call our son?

I said, "I quite like Gwhatod."

She said, "What in God's name is that?"

I said, "Yes."

My wife just said "I'm leaving you because you never give me any space."

"Ok", I replied. "I'll come with you."


----------



## Deeboy

Brigid persuades Paddy that they need to experiment in their sex life and suggests trying a 69. Paddy doesn't know what that is, so she says she'll show him. She makes him lie on his back but just as she maneouvres herself into place, she breaks wind. She? apologises then resumes her position. Unfortunately, once again she farts. Paddy jumps up at once, shouting, 'I'm fuc*ed if I'm hanging around for 67 more of those!


----------



## Omada

Deeboy said:


> Brigid persuades Paddy that they need to experiment in their sex life and suggests trying a 69. Paddy doesn't know what that is, so she says she'll show him. She makes him lie on his back but just as she maneouvres herself into place, she breaks wind. She? apologises then resumes her position. Unfortunately, once again she farts. Paddy jumps up at once, shouting, 'I'm fuc*ed if I'm hanging around for 67 more of those!


The only one that has genuinely made me laugh out loud. Was literally lolling all over the shop.


----------



## jon-kent

Mackerel said:


> My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.
> 
> when I give it to her tomorrow, I'll tell her it's actually pronounced 'spade'
> 
> My girlfriend asked me what I'd like to call our son?
> 
> I said, "I quite like Gwhatod."
> 
> She said, "What in God's name is that?"
> 
> I said, "Yes."
> 
> My wife just said "I'm leaving you because you never give me any space."
> 
> "Ok", I replied. "I'll come with you."


That last one is good !!


----------



## jon-kent

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"


----------



## H10dst

I criticised my dad for using Imperial Measurements. He beat me to within 2.54cm of my life."


----------



## Gavinmcl

BREAKING NEWS Nurse Jacintha Saldanha who had apparently committed suicide after a prank call to the King Edward VII Hospital where she worked has turned up safe and well. In a phone call to the Australian DJs who made the call she said "Beat that for a fcuking wind up!"


----------



## ws0158

got pulled by the police just, copper put his hand out and said 'papers'

i put my hand out and said ''scissors i win'' and drove off


----------



## Freeby0

What is 12 inches long and makes a woman scream all night? .....Cot death

They say theres strength in number ...yeah well try telling 6million jews that!

ronnie coleman is natural.


----------



## Freeby0

It makes me laugh when people say darren brown is some kind of magician, because lets face it hes not really is he? We had a brilliant one when i was growing up...He could make sausages dissapear inside of our bodys , he even made my little cousin dissapear once and we still havent found her to this day!!


----------



## Ben_Dover

I've just prank called piers Morgan, pretending to be the queen...

Now we wait...


----------



## WillOdling

The high horse do gooder brigade of UK muscle would sh1t their spleens if I put some of my Muslim jokes on here


----------



## Sc4mp0

WillOdling said:


> The high horse do gooder brigade of UK muscle would sh1t their spleens if I put some of my Muslim jokes on here


What's the punchline?


----------



## latblaster

WillOdling said:


> The high horse do gooder brigade of UK muscle would sh1t their spleens if I put some of my Muslim jokes on here


Put some up & exclude any race words maybe..?

Or 'publish & be damned'! :lol:


----------



## QUEST

I saw my dwarf neighbour standing at the bus stop today, so I stopped and said "jump in, I'll take you home".

"?fuk off ya pr**k!" he replied.

I said "Fine, suit yourself ye little bastard ".

So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.


----------



## jon-kent

WillOdling said:


> The high horse do gooder brigade of UK muscle would sh1t their spleens if I put some of my Muslim jokes on here


Just say you got a mate who's muslim then post away mate ! :thumbup1:


----------



## arnoldisnumerou

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field


----------



## live2liftt

So I went out to a local restaurant last night and I sit down, read the menu and a few minutes later the waiter comes over and says what would you like?

ME: Can I have the burger and chips?

Waiter: What would you like on your burger?

Me: £5 each way please.

Funny or funny


----------



## MF88

live2liftt said:


> So I went out to a local restaurant last night and I sit down, read the menu and a few minutes later the waiter comes over and says what would you like?
> 
> ME: Can I have the burger and chips?
> 
> Waiter: What would you like on your burger?
> 
> Me: £5 each way please.
> 
> Funny or funny


So fvcking old.


----------



## live2liftt

MF88 said:


> So fvcking old.


What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite


----------



## Northern Lass

da ja vue


----------



## musio

I think someone may be sending me death threats.

Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.


----------



## musio

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting Monday.

The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses.


----------



## jon-kent

A horse walks into a gay bar,barman says "why the fake mince?"

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.


----------



## jon-kent

Had a fight with an erection this morning.

I beat it single handedly.

My legs always feel like jelly after sex.

It must be all the running beforehand.


----------



## Ashcrapper

The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today.

RIP Ewan Whosarmy


----------



## QUEST

i'm hung like a lasagne... :lol:


----------



## Boycieboy

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour my plumber has.


----------



## Ashcrapper

I spent some time by the wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pond.


----------



## Boycieboy

My porn star friend recently passed away.

As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.


----------



## alchemystical

The <insert ethnic minority/preferred EU transplant> kid next door just challenged me to a water fight.

Just thought I'd post this as I waited for the kettle to boil.


----------



## Boycieboy

Lots of confusion with the hashtag #nowthatchersdead.

Cher isn't dead.


----------



## Poke

How many balls are there in a cup full of leaches?

None.


----------



## SATANSEVILTWIN

Worst letter i ever wrote....................................................

Dear Jim,

Please could you fix it for me to go on ''Its A Knockout''


----------



## jon-kent




----------



## jonesboy

My girlfriends hamster died so I had to burry it in the back garden.

Anyway I had the hole ready and the next door neighbour stuck his head over the fence.

"what you doing there mate?" he said

I explained that the hamster had died and I was burying it.

He said "you don't need a hole that big for a hamster"

So I said " You do when it in your ****ing cat"


----------



## Ashcrapper

jonesboy said:


> My girlfriends hamster died so I had to burry it in the back garden.
> 
> Anyway I had the hole ready and the next door neighbour stuck his head over the fence.
> 
> "what you doing there mate?" he said
> 
> I explained that the hamster had died and I was burying it.
> 
> He said "you don't need a hole that big for a hamster"
> 
> So I said " You do when it in your ****ing cat"


how did the cat get into the house the into the cage to eat the hamster? there is more to this story than meets the eye. I think he is lying


----------



## synthasize

Two condoms are walking down the street. One condom spots a gay bar and says to the other 'hey shall we go in there and get sh1tfaced?'.


----------



## jonesboy

Ashcrapper said:


> how did the cat get into the house the into the cage to eat the hamster? there is more to this story than meets the eye. I think he is lying


Not very funny I know but it's joke not the truth just light hearted joke.


----------



## Ashcrapper

jonesboy said:


> Not very funny I know but it's joke not the truth just light hearted joke.


I liked it pal, dont be too hard on yourself


----------



## jonesboy

Two cannibals eating a clown and one turns to the other and say

"does this taste funny to you or what"

Also my mate went on a self catering holiday with a cannibal,

Cost him and arm and a leg.


----------



## jonesboy

A little boy goes for a bath with his mother.

"whats that between your legs mummy" he says

The Mother thinks quickly and says-

"oh its where a lumberjack hit me with an axe many years ago"

The boy says "good shot, right on the c unt"


----------



## synthasize

A couple had been going to the world cup final games together all their lives, and always got the best seats, it was a tradition for them.

One year the bloke was at the world cup final game and the seat where his wife should be was empty. A man behind taps him on the shoulder and says "excuse me mate why is that seat empty?" knowing that the tickets were expensive.

He says "my wife couldn't come this year so it's empty", and the bloke replies "couldn't you have got a family member or mate to come along instead?"

He says "no mate they're all at her funeral"


----------



## Ashcrapper

jonesboy said:


> A little boy goes for a bath with his mother.
> 
> "whats that between your legs mummy" he says
> 
> The Mother thinks quickly and says-
> 
> "oh its where a lumberjack hit me with an axe many years ago"
> 
> The boy says "good shot, right on the c unt"


----------



## jonesboy

Same little boy has a bath with his Father the following week.

"what that between your legs Dad" he says

Father says calmly "oh don't worry son it's just a spider"

Boy says "well it ain't half got a big cock for a spider"


----------



## anaboliclove

whats has two thumbs speaks french and likes blow jobs muwa:thumb:


----------



## jonesboy

A vicar and his wife are going away and staying in a hotel that they stayed in previously.

The vicars wife said "can you ask at reception to have the porn channel taken off this time as it's disgusting and I don't want to see that sort of thing"

On arrival the vicar says to the girl at reception-

"Excuse me Miss but is the porn channel disabled?"

The girl replies " no it's not you sick Bastard"


----------



## Ashcrapper

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.


----------



## Ashcrapper

An elderly couple are window shopping on the high street. They're playfully pointing out to each other the fancy things they would buy if they came into some money.

Looking at the stylish suits in an upmarket tailors, the fella calls his wife over to show her the outfit he likes best. Gesturing towards the window he says 'There's the one I'd get'. Immediately a cyclops runs from the shop and kicks the shit out of him.


----------



## jonesboy

An Irish fella orders a large 12inch pizza.

The guy at the pizza shop asks-

"would you like it cut into 4 or 8 pieces sir"

Irish fella says-

"you better make it 4 as I am not hungry enough to eat 8"


----------



## jamo1892

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."


----------



## jonesboy

A fella goes into a chemist for some Viagra.

He says to the man behind the counter that he has 2 twin sisters coming over and they are game for some fun.

The chemist says-

"try these industrial strength Viagra but just take one as they are very strong"

Following day he returns to the Chemist and gets out his cock and it's torn to shreds and bleeding.

"can I have some deep heat muscle rub and make it quick he says"

Chemist says-

"you don't need deep heat for that you need some Dettol mate"

Fella say-

"oh it's not for my cock it's for my ****ing arms, the girls didn't turn up"


----------



## jonesboy

Jimmy Saville baby sits for the woman next door.

Anyway the woman is going out and she is in a hurry and trying to bath her young daughter.

Jimmy says, "don't worry I'll sort her out, you get yourself ready to go out love"

Jimmy climbs in the bath naked with the little girl.

The girls says-

"whats that between your legs Unlce Jim"

Jim says "oh that, it's just a penis darling"

"when will I get one of them Uncle Jim" the girl says.

Saville says "The minute your Mother ****s off to bingo bitch"

Bad taste I know and I apologise if it offends anyone.


----------



## jonesboy

The year is 2225 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after joining Virgin Holidays and accumulating enough frequent flying points.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'


----------



## jonesboy

A woman is standing on the edge of a cliff trying to the nerve to jump..

A passing tramp says" before you kill yourself do you mind having sex"

" no **** off " says the woman..

" fine then " says the tramp " ill just wait at the bottom".


----------



## jonesboy

For my girlfriend birthday I got her a real nice coat and a vibrator so if doesn't like the coat she can go and f uck herself.


----------



## Smitch

I went on the holiday of a lifetime once, never again.


----------



## jonesboy

A suspicious item was spotted in a car in Liverpool.

Police were called but later found it was a tax disc.

No offence to any scousers.


----------



## jonesboy

A bus full of blind people on a day out turn up at a pub for some lunch.

After lunch the bus driver asks the barman-

"do you mind if the blind fellas stretch their legs and have a game of football in your car park"

Barman says "don't be silly there blind, they cant paly football can they"

Bus driver says-

"yes they can, they have a special football with bells inside it so they know where the ball is all the time"

Anyway the barman agrees and says it's ok.

Ten minute late there is a commotion outside and a fella runs up to the barman an says-

"you better come outside quick there is a load of blind people kicking f uck out of the morris dancers.


----------



## [email protected]

Ashcrapper said:


> A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
> 
> The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
> 
> Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
> 
> The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
> 
> And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
> 
> The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
> 
> The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
> 
> `Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
> 
> The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
> 
> And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
> 
> The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
> 
> The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
> 
> `Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
> 
> The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
> 
> `A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
> 
> `I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
> 
> And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
> 
> The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
> 
> `Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
> 
> The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'
> 
> The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
> 
> The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
> 
> `Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
> 
> One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
> 
> The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
> 
> The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
> 
> The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
> 
> `Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
> 
> It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
> 
> The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
> 
> `Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'
> 
> That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
> 
> The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
> 
> A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
> 
> His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
> 
> Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
> 
> The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
> 
> `Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
> 
> The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
> 
> `Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'
> 
> The son nodded weakly.
> 
> The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
> 
> `Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.
> 
> The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
> 
> `I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
> 
> `I- I-'
> 
> Then he died.


I hate you :angry:


----------



## Jammy1

Geezer goes in the chemist to buy some condoms. Cashier says- 'do you want a bag?' fella says-'no she's not that ugly'.


----------



## Jammy1

Last night while the wife was asleep, I gently removed her tampon and replaced it with a party popper, leaving the string hanging out.

I swear that woman has no ****ing sense of humour at all.


----------



## jonesboy

I couldn't be asked with sex last night so I satisfied the Mrs with a cucumber.

Anyway she woke up about 2am screaming the place down.

When I asked what was wrong she said it was the cucumber repeating on her.


----------



## Gab

" Its a boy!" I shouted with tears rolling down my cheeks " I don't [email protected]@king believe it, it's a boy". It was at that moment I decided never to visit Thailand again!!!!


----------



## latblaster

Gab said:


> " Its a boy!" I shouted with tears rolling down my cheeks " I don't [email protected]@king believe it, it's a boy". It was at that moment I decided never to visit Thailand again!!!!


Yes, it really did happen to me....


----------



## resten

Equal rights.... lol


----------



## jon-kent

latblaster said:


> Yes, it really did happen to me....


Detailed explanation in MA mate !! Hahaha


----------



## Gab

latblaster said:


> Yes, it really did happen to me....


Holy Sh!t, fair enough..... :lol:


----------



## latblaster

Gab said:


> Holy Sh!t, fair enough..... :lol:


She/he was fooking gorgeous, the best legs I've seen...but not opened thank de lawd!


----------



## jonesboy

A woman gives birth to a baby but the Doctor rushes the baby away.

The parents were well concerned until the Doctor comes back.

Doctor says-

"I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first"

The parents think a while and ask for the bad news first.

Doctor says-

"well you have given birth to a baby boy with ginger hair"

"that's brilliant" the Mother says," so what's the good news then"

Doctor says-

"He's dead"

I know very bad taste and I apologise to anyone with ginger hair. I will have to stop with these jokes or everyone on here will hate soon.


----------



## jonesboy

I know Jehovah's go door to door but the other day a Muslim woman was doing the rounds wearing one of those burka things.

Anyway she knocked on my door but I didn't answer it,

I just stared at her through the letter box to see how she f*cking likes it.


----------



## Jammy1

I put a porno on the other night.

The screen was a bit dark, and all I could make out was what looked like some fat bloke, sitting with his **** in his hand.

Then I realised I hadn't switched the telly on.


----------



## jonesboy

Jammy1 said:


> I put a porno on the other night.
> 
> The screen was a bit dark, and all I could make out was what looked like some fat bloke, sitting with his **** in his hand.
> 
> Then I realised I hadn't switched the telly on.


I have done that myself but I don't use my hand anymore.

To get some more excitement I use a Sooty glove puppet.


----------



## redex

heard the one about the magical tractor?

it turned into a field

...................................................

heard about the scarecrow who won a nobel prize?

he was outstanding in his field


----------



## Gab

My stunning Chinese next door neighbour told me she was desperate for a rogerin!! It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles & my c0ck out that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room....


----------



## Gab

My wife and I were on holiday and after a few sambucas and hours of persuasion she finally agreed to take it up the ar$e......I was so relieved, there was no way I could get another 8 pouches of Golden Virginia in the suitcase.


----------



## jonesboy

Outside the newsagents the other day there was an old woman stood next to a little cute dog.

I said to her "does your dog bite"

"no" she said.

Anyway I went to stroke it and the bas*ard bit me about 3 times.

I said "I though your dog didn't bite"

She said "that's not my fu*king dog"


----------



## Jammy1

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. 'Well?' she said, 'I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?'

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. 'The beach has lost a stone.' I said, 'can you see a difference?'


----------



## jonesboy

The fella next door was arrested for killing his Wife and daughter so I went to court to get the details.

Judge said, "you are here before us today because you killed your Wife with a hammer"

"Dick head " I shouted.

Judge wasn't impressed but carried on.

"And also for killing your Daughter with a hammer"

"fuc*ing git" I shouted.

Judge says "who is that and why are you shouting, I will have you removed if you keep this up"

"sorry M'Lord" I said,

"the thing is I have lived next door to this man for 10 years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer the bas*ard said he didn't have one"


----------



## jonesboy

I am doing a cycle of sustanon and tren ace at the moment.

To cut a long story short I am starving hungry all the time and having some weird dreams.

I had this dream the other night that I was eating a massive sandwich.

Anyway when I woke up my pillow was gone.


----------



## jonesboy

Great promotion at B&Q today, buy 2 tubes of No More Nails and get a free T-shirt.

I bought 2 and collected my T-shirt which had a print on the front of it.

It was a picture of Jesus Christ on the cross with a logo saying-

"Jesus Christ Sponsors No More Nails"


----------



## Jammy1

He was in ecstasy, with huge grin on his face, as his Girlfriend moved forwards then backwards....forwards then backwards..back an forth..back an forth...In an out.. in an out... Her heart was pounding faster, her face flushed as she moaned, softly at first then began to groan louder an louder, until finally exhausted she let out an almighty scream...!! OK! OK!.. I cant park the Car... you do it you smug bastard.


----------



## Jammy1

Sunday morning joke 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' demanded his wife when he entered the house.

'Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.'

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, 'You lying *******! You've been playing golf!'


----------



## Bulk1

Noel Edmonds.


----------



## latblaster

Philip Schofield.


----------



## Jammy1

Man driving down road,woman driving up same road.

They pass each other,man shouts out window

FCUKING BIG FAT COW

Woman yells out window

FCUKING W4NKER

Woman turns round corner and crashes into a huge cow and dies

Moral of the story?

If only women would fcuking listen !!!


----------



## jonesboy

Now this is one you fellas can use as a chat up line but don't blame me if it doesn't work, here goes-

A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch...

''What's so special about it?'

The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies

'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Scotsman smiles, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'


----------



## jonesboy

In the news today that bas*ard

70's sensation morph has been arrested on suspicion of being a playdohfile


----------



## ian73

What's got two legs and bleeds. ........ half a dog


----------



## QUEST

ian73 said:


> What's got two legs and bleeds. ........ half a dog


funniest joke in the hole thread ...

got any more


----------



## dentylad

Police knocked on my door earlier. Apparently, the

shop at the end of our street got robbed last night,

and they took 6 crates of Red Bull.

"I don't know how those bastards sleep" I said.


----------



## jonesboy

Fella goes to the Doctors,

Doctor says "what the problem Sir and how can I help"

Fella says "Doctor I keep thinking I am a Moth"

Doctor says "you need a fu*king psychiatrist not a Doctor mate"

"I know " the fella says, "but I had to come in as you had your light on"


----------



## ian73

Guy walks into the butchers and says have you got pigs feet..... butcher says no its just the way am standing


----------



## dentylad

Why was the washing machine laughing???

Cos it was taking the p1ss outta the knickers!


----------



## ian73

Guy goes into the doctors and says I think I'm a dog......doctor say go up on the couch so I can look at you ....guys says I'm not allowed on the couch


----------



## ian73

Two irish guys lost in the desert one of them finds a sheet of sand paper and says o look a map


----------



## jonesboy

Didn't know about this one as it's a bit sick but here goes-

A peadophile walking through the wood with a little boy as it's just getting dark.

The boy says, "I'm scared Mr it's getting dark"

The peado says "you selfish little bas*ard, what about me, I've got to walk out of here by myself"


----------



## Jammy1

Paddy gets put in a jail with a big black geezer. The sooty takes out his huge **** and wacks the toilet bowl with it, which breaks, then he wacks the bars with it which bend..

He then turns to paddy and says, i'm gonna ram this right up your ****.

Paddy says thank **** for that, i thought you was gonna hit me with it.


----------



## Jammy1

jonesboy said:


> Now this is one you fellas can use as a chat up line but don't blame me if it doesn't work, here goes-
> 
> A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
> 
> He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
> 
> The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
> 
> 'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
> 
> The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch...
> 
> ''What's so special about it?'
> 
> The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
> 
> The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
> 
> Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
> 
> The woman giggles and replies
> 
> 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
> 
> The Scotsman smiles, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'


Haha very good. Some right belters in hear.


----------



## jonesboy

On the news this morning that they found a new tomb in Egypt.

When they looked inside there was no gold just chocolate balls with nuts.

They reckon it belongs to Pharaoh Rocher.


----------



## jonesboy

Talking Goat.

Not a joke I know but had to share it with you fellas and please turn the volume up.


----------



## jonesboy

What's the difference between a WA NK and an EGG?

You can beat an EGG but you cant beat a good WA NK.


----------



## DazUKM

As I'm eating a penguin....

"Why did the two penguins jump when they first met?"

"They were trying to break the ice"


----------



## [email protected]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


----------



## Mighty Sparrow

jonesboy said:


> What's the difference between a WA NK and an EGG?
> 
> You can beat an EGG but you cant beat a good WA NK.


Lol, you can. It's called sex.


----------



## [email protected]

Two guys are leaving work when one says: "The first thing I'm going to do when I get home is rip my wife's panties off."

"You're that horny?"

"No, the elastic is killing me."


----------



## jonesboy

Hear about the drug addict that snorted curry powder.

He got rushed to hospital where Doctors say he is in a Korma.


----------



## jonesboy

Susan Boyle has given back her Jim'll Fix It Medallion,

because the bas*ard never laid a finger on her.


----------



## jonesboy

While renovating a 200 year old house in Ireland, builders found a body in the wall.

Police have confirmed it's the Irish hide and seek champion.


----------



## jonesboy

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the

Middle East. Two million Muslims died. And over a million were injured.

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and The governments don't know where To

start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, Cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending Labour to assist in rebuilding the Infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams And supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, Is sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN.... Damn those Brits are smart !!


----------



## jonesboy

put my python on ebay, a guy phoned up and asked is it big

i said its f....g huge

he asked how many feet

i said none you t.at its a f...g snake


----------



## jonesboy

my kids keep taking the p**s out of my Alzheimer's. Well wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.


----------



## jonesboy

My mate took kung Fu cooking lessons, one of his chops and your dead.


----------



## Jammy1

A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says "NO! I am married to god!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver says "She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the grave yard, why don't you dress up in a hooded robe; go to the grave yard and tell her you are God and demand sex?

The hippie tries this and to his surprise the nun says "Yes but only if we have anal sex as I want to keep my virginity"

They have passionate bum sex and when they are done the hippie throws off his

robe and cries "ha ha, I'm the hippie!!!"

The nun cries out "ha ha, I'm the bus driver!


----------



## jonesboy

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked.

"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two f*****g Arabs."


----------



## Boycieboy

Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits.


----------



## Boycieboy

"Do you see that 14 year old with the baby?"

"****ing slag!"

"She was raped at 13 and decided to keep the baby."

"Oh."

"Do you see that young boy over there?"

"Fat little ****!"

"He has a severe hereditary illness and will die if he doesn't take the medicine that makes him overweight."

"Oh."

"Do you see that man over there?"

"What an ugly ****!"

"His face was burned while he was saving four children from a burning building."

"Oh."

"Do you see that man over there?"

"****ing Paki!"

"Yeah. ****ing Paki."


----------



## Super_G

What is small, shiny and makes women want to have sex?

Loic Remys penknife


----------



## Ashcrapper

Boycieboy said:


> "Do you see that 14 year old with the baby?"
> 
> "****ing slag!"
> 
> "She was raped at 13 and decided to keep the baby."
> 
> "Oh."
> 
> "Do you see that young boy over there?"
> 
> "Fat little ****!"
> 
> "He has a severe hereditary illness and will die if he doesn't take the medicine that makes him overweight."
> 
> "Oh."
> 
> "Do you see that man over there?"
> 
> "What an ugly ****!"
> 
> "His face was burned while he was saving four children from a burning building."
> 
> "Oh."
> 
> "Do you see that man over there?"
> 
> "****ing Paki!"
> 
> "Yeah. ****ing Paki."


----------



## Sc4mp0

Loic Remy, Ched Evans and Robin van Persie are in a car. Who is driving?

The Police.


----------



## Shadow

Boycieboy said:


> "Do you see that 14 year old with the baby?"
> 
> "****ing slag!"
> 
> "She was raped at 13 and decided to keep the baby."
> 
> "Oh."
> 
> "Do you see that young boy over there?"
> 
> "Fat little ****!"
> 
> "He has a severe hereditary illness and will die if he doesn't take the medicine that makes him overweight."
> 
> "Oh."
> 
> "Do you see that man over there?"
> 
> "What an ugly ****!"
> 
> "His face was burned while he was saving four children from a burning building."
> 
> "Oh."
> 
> "Do you see that man over there?"
> 
> "****ing Paki!"
> 
> "Yeah. ****ing Paki."


Sorry mate. I would like to think I have a wide sense of humour but I don't see any humour in this at all. Racism pure and simple.


----------



## Heath

Shadow said:


> Sorry mate. I would like to think I have a wide sense of humour but I don't see any humour in this at all. Racism pure and simple.


But worst of all not even funny!


----------



## Boycieboy

Shadow said:


> Sorry mate. I would like to think I have a wide sense of humour but I don't see any humour in this at all. Racism pure and simple.


Don't be Sorry.. If its Offended you then I'm Sorry.. I'm a White man with Black friends & not quite sure who sent me the joke..


----------



## zack amin

Boycieboy said:


> Don't be Sorry.. If its Offended you then I'm Sorry.. I'm a White man with Black friends & not quite sure who sent me the joke..


shouldve just started your post with you have a black friend, wouldve saved the assumptions off racism, tell your black friend i said hi


----------



## zack amin

Boycieboy said:


> Don't be Sorry.. If its Offended you then I'm Sorry.. I'm a White man with Black friends & not quite sure who sent me the joke..


shouldve just started your post with you have a black friend, wouldve saved the assumptions off racism, tell your black friend i said hi


----------



## alchemystical

zack amin said:


> shouldve just started your post with you have a black friend, wouldve saved the assumptions off racism, tell your black friend i said hi


So, it's handy to have a black friend if you're white? Mr Chappelle says its handy to have a white friend if you're black too:






Eboooonnyyyyy and ivvvvooorrryyyyyyyyyy


----------



## zack amin

AnnesBollocks said:


> So, it's handy to have a black friend if you're white? Mr Chappelle says its handy to have a white friend if you're black too:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Eboooonnyyyyy and ivvvvooorrryyyyyyyyyy


its always handy to have a black friend if your white, you can never be classed as racist, even if hes your shoe shine boy, having a white friend being black is negligeable because another white guy will still get offended if you play the militant angry black man joke


----------



## jonesboy

What do you call a scouser in a Rolls Royce.

A thief.


----------



## jonesboy

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"


----------



## jonesboy

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no ****ing money in there.


----------



## 25434

Two old ladies sitting on a bench and a streaker ran past.

One of the old ladies immediately had a stroke,

But the other one couldn't reach........urrrmmm.....okay, leaving....leaving....hee hee


----------



## Heath

A lot of Man Utd legends have retired recently; Sir Alex Ferguson, Paul Scholes and now David Beckham

My money's on Howard Webb next


----------



## alchemystical

zack amin said:


> its always handy to have a black friend if your white, you can never be classed as racist, even if hes your shoe shine boy, *having a white friend being black is negligeable because another white guy will still get offended if you play the militant angry black man joke*


A valid point, should throw one of them brown folk in the mix as well. Which reminds me:

A black man, a white man and an asian go to hell.

The devil says "Right, you've got one chance to get out of here and escape to heaven, if you don't make a sound while I whip you 10 times then you're free to go. Now I'm a fair man so I'll let you put whatever you want on your back for protection, deal?"

The three chaps agree that the deal seems fair so the white man steps up and asks for a huge rock to protect his back.

The devil cracks the whip and on the third time the rock breaks and the white man cries out - "You're mine" the devil says.

Next up is the black man: "I don't need a damn thing on my back, my people been whipped for centuries and you can't do any worse than that".

10 whippings later and one silent black man stands with a smile, "You're free to go" says the devil, turning to the asian "You ready? What would you like on your back?"

The asian thinks for a moment and responds "The black man".


----------



## zack amin

AnnesBollocks said:


> A valid point, should throw one of them brown folk in the mix as well. Which reminds me:
> 
> A black man, a white man and an asian go to hell.
> 
> The devil says "Right, you've got one chance to get out of here and escape to heaven, if you don't make a sound while I whip you 10 times then you're free to go. Now I'm a fair man so I'll let you put whatever you want on your back for protection, deal?"
> 
> The three chaps agree that the deal seems fair so the white man steps up and asks for a huge rock to protect his back.
> 
> The devil cracks the whip and on the third time the rock breaks and the white man cries out - "You're mine" the devil says.
> 
> Next up is the black man: "I don't need a damn thing on my back, my people been whipped for centuries and you can't do any worse than that".
> 
> 10 whippings later and one silent black man stands with a smile, "You're free to go" says the devil, turning to the asian "You ready? What would you like on your back?"
> 
> The asian thinks for a moment and responds "The black man".


lmao, now thats a joke

since were doing brown man jokes youve just reminded me off one, not so funny but o well

english man, irish man and a pakistani gent sat on a train

english man throws a bag off pasties out the window, to which the other gentlement respond why? to which he replies 'plenty off those where i come from lads'

in response the irish man throws 5 bottlles off beer out, to which the gentlemen reply 'why?' to which he responded plenty where i come from lads

i bet you know where this is going


----------



## MyStyle

Whats brown and sticky? A stick

Whats big brown and wont flush? A grizzly bear.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

What do you call a bee thats having a bad hair day? A frisbee

Whats pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.

Whats blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## zack amin

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Australian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother


----------



## jonesboy

As I was walking into Tesco today a thief ran past me with a chicken under his arm.

Behind him was the security guard shouting "hey what are you doing with that chicken"

The thief shouted "mash potatoes and gravy"


----------



## QUEST

Audley Harrison has announced he is to come out of retirement!

After he knocked a wa?nk out!


----------



## Bulk1

Whats the fastest country?


----------



## Bulk1

Russia


----------



## Foxy13

What's black and blue and flies around?

A crow in a denim jacket.


----------



## Foxy13

What's green but you can't see it?

A lettuce inside a box.


----------



## Bulk1

I think one of my dads is gay.


----------



## MakkaL

What do you call a russian with 3 balls?....

Whodyanickabollockoff

wat do you call a chinese man with one testicle?

wa-wen-wong

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen

What do you call two guys from Mexico playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.


----------



## Gary29

Prodot said:


> What do you call a russian with 3 balls?....
> 
> Whodyanickabollockoff
> 
> wat do you call a chinese man with one testicle?
> 
> wa-wen-wong
> 
> What do you call a woman with one leg?
> 
> Eileen
> 
> What do you call two guys from Mexico playing basketball?
> 
> Juan on Juan.


What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack

What do you call a man with a sea gull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug

What is the only name that contains 4 parts of the body?

Tony Hancock


----------



## latblaster

What do you call a Chinese woman with a food mixer on her head?

Blenda


----------



## Bulk1

What's this? Click... is that it? Click... is that it? Click... is that it? Click... is that it? Click... is that it? Click... is that it?

A blind man doing the Rubic's cube!


----------



## Foxy13

Your mum is so fat she needs to go on a diet.


----------



## Paz1982

Gary29 said:


> What do you call a man with a car on his head?
> 
> Jack
> 
> What do you call a man with a sea gull on his head?
> 
> Cliff
> 
> What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
> 
> Doug
> 
> What is the only name that contains 4 parts of the body?
> 
> Tony Hancock


what do you call an indian in between two houses

Ali


----------



## Bulk1

What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.


----------



## Bulk1

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.


----------



## man_dem03

Liverpool FC or Tottenham FC

two biggest jokes i know


----------



## Sc4mp0

man_dem03 said:


> Liverpool FC or Tottenham FC
> 
> two biggest jokes i know


How you deliver isn't your strong point, is it?


----------



## Lazyballs

****ing hate double standards. Some bird gets a rampant rabbit and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt ****Master Pro5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticated anus with imitation **** dribble and breast nipple

discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic rape scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty ****ing pervert!


----------



## Bulk1

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."


----------



## Boycieboy

CLAIM CLAIM CLAIM! Were you abused by a celebrity in the seventies or eighties? Did Jim fix it for you? Where you one of Rolf's two little boys? Did you get serviced in Kevin Webster's garage? Remember where there's a stain, there's a claim! Simply text MY****ISSTILLSORE .. To 81130


----------



## Jammy1

I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:

"How's your new bloke?"

"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cnut."


----------



## Jammy1

Driving home from the pub earlier, we were pulled over by a Police Car.

"Everything alright officer?" I asked.

"Not really sir," he replied, "Your car was weaving across the road in a very uncontrolled manner."

"What do you expect?" I said, "I've had eight pints."

He laughed, "In that case, I fully understand why you let your wife drive home."


----------



## Jammy1

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him


----------



## Lousy_Bastard

Jammy1 said:


> A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him


Another take on that one is.. The stupidest part of a mans body is his dick, it has an eye it cant see out of, it hangs around with a ballbag, it lives around the corner from an asshole and its best friend turned out to be a cnut.


----------



## Deeboy

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China.


----------



## skd

i had my first ufo experience yesterday.

called the wife fat when she was cooking dinner.

Flying saucers everywhere!


----------



## Jammy1

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About £20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays £100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.


----------



## QUEST

After 1 pint I was an absolute mess. I threw up down my shirt, tried to finger this old lady, before sh!tting myself and falling asleep in the corner.

The nurses said that isn't a normal reaction to giving blood...


----------



## Paulo15_4

Where do neds live? Quality street!


----------



## Paulo15_4

A man comes home from a hard days work and wants to go out

He says to his wife "pack your stuff, I wanna go fishing"

Wife - No I cant be bothered Ill stay here

Husband - look Ive had a hard day, if you don't wanna go fishing you either let me shag you up the **** or you give me a blowjob

The wife thinks about it

Wife - anal hurts, so Ill give you a blowjob

The wife does her thing, husband pulls up his trousers.

Wife - That tasted worse than usual today

Husband - yeah, the dog didn't wanna go fishing either

PMSL


----------



## Magnum26

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's sick" he says. "Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why? Says the man in alarm.

"Because he's heavy!" replied the vet.


----------



## Boycieboy

Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little ****s in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little ****s that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.

Okay, here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery shopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ****s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little **** he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming "****! ****!" Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "****! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! ****!" By now, the kid is scared ****less and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting ****y at us for yelling at her kid.

Here's the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Miss, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I'm, I'm ****ING HIV POSITIVE."

And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mum isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my **** from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the **** she is.

I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.


----------



## a.notherguy

Boycieboy said:


> Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little ****s in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little ****s that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
> 
> Okay, here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery shopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ****s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little **** he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming "****! ****!" Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "****! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! ****!" By now, the kid is scared ****less and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting ****y at us for yelling at her kid.
> 
> Here's the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Miss, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I'm, I'm ****ING HIV POSITIVE."
> 
> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mum isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my **** from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the **** she is.
> 
> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.


still waiting for the punch line to this delightful little story


----------



## [email protected]

Boycieboy said:


> Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little ****s in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little ****s that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
> 
> Okay, here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery shopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ****s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little **** he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming "****! ****!" Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "****! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! ****!" By now, the kid is scared ****less and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting ****y at us for yelling at her kid.
> 
> Here's the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Miss, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I'm, I'm ****ING HIV POSITIVE."
> 
> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mum isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my **** from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the **** she is.
> 
> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.


What a very strange 'joke' :wacko:


----------



## Boycieboy

[email protected] said:


> What a very strange 'joke' :wacko:


If northern chump would of liked the Joke, then I'm sure you would of too


----------



## [email protected]

Boycieboy said:


> If northern chump would of liked the Joke, then I'm sure you would of too


Oh right, yeah because I can't think for myself :confused1:

It's not a joke and it's not funny.


----------



## jonesboy

Did you hear about the Irish mugger, he forced £50 into an old mans wallet at gun point.


----------



## jonesboy

One weekend a man is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to cut the grass, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee.

The man slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.

He cant help himself and asks Bubba what his secret is.

Well Bubba says every night before I climb into bed with a girl I whack my penis on the bedpost three times.

It works and it sure impresses the girls.

The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.

So before climbing into bed with his wife, He took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost.

His wife half-asleep said " Bubba is that you "


----------



## Ashcrapper

Boycieboy said:


> Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little ****s in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little ****s that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
> 
> Okay, here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery shopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ****s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little **** he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming "****! ****!" Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "****! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! ****!" By now, the kid is scared ****less and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting ****y at us for yelling at her kid.
> 
> Here's the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Miss, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I'm, I'm ****ING HIV POSITIVE."
> 
> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mum isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my **** from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the **** she is.
> 
> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.


sorry to hear you have aids mate


----------



## Boycieboy

Ashcrapper said:


> sorry to hear you have aids mate


Now Thats a Sense of Humour


----------



## lukeee

what ya call a man with a rabbit up his ****?

Warren


----------



## jamiedilk

Why does dr pepper come in a bottle ??

Cos his wife is dead


----------



## Boycieboy

I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:

"How's your new bloke?"

"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat ****."


----------



## massmuscle

Englishman scottishman and Irishman sitting at the bar having a pint.

Englishman says " I can't believe it lads, last night I was cleaning out my 16 yr old daughters room and I found a packet of cigarettes! I can't believe after all we have told her she is going to kill herself smoking!!"

" that's nothing " say the scots gut " last night I to was cleaning my daughters room and found a half bottle of whiskey, I can't believe after all me and the wife have told her sheds poisoning herself with alcohol! "

" you guys are lucky " says the Irishman " last night I came home and found condoms in my daughters jeans pocket "

" what's wrong with that said the Englishman and Scotsman " she's 18"

The Irishman says " I can't believe she's got a c0ck!"


----------



## jonesboy

Couldn't believe what I was hearing the other day, when the wife said:

"Darling, I fancy a nude whore."

My mind went into overdrive imagining a steamy threesome.

Unfortunately, she continued:

"Do you think we should get a upvc one, or a traditional wooden one?"


----------



## jonesboy

There was no room to park at Tesco today so I parked in a disabled spot.

Anyway just got out of the car and the security guard said your not disabled so cant park there.

I said "I have tourettes so f uck off you bas$ard."


----------



## skd

there's a new Barbie on the market and its black.

it comes with no shoes, no clothes, no food and no house,

and is covered in fcuking flies.

its called Zimbarbie.


----------



## Jammy1

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have...

The husband says, "No ****ing chance love, They're too expensive!"

Later on that night in bed, The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips....

She turns to him and says, "No ****ing chance love, If you aint prepared to shoe the horse then you aint ****in ridin it!!"


----------



## skd

''G'day mate, Fosters Helpline... what's the problem mate?''

''Hi guys, im in Australia with the girlfriend and shes been stung in the minge

by a hornet, and now her fanny has completely closed up''

''Bummer mate...''

''Thanks guys, that's exactly what I was thinking, cheers....''


----------



## Anubis

why do hippos fvck in water ??

how else do u get a 2 ton clit wet


----------



## 25081

Why did George Michael have chocolate on his ear?

He was careless with his Wispa!


----------



## Bulk1

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road."


----------



## Magnum26

A motorway walks into a bar. He goes to the bartender and asks for a pint of Ale. The bartender says "You're a fine looking motorway!". The motorway says "Oh, thankyou!" and sits down with his pint of Ale.

Then a road walks into the bar. He goes to the bartender and asks for a pint of Ale. The bartender says "You're a fine looking road!". The road says "Oh, thankyou!" and sits down with the motorway and his pint of Ale.

Then a red path walks into the bar. He goes to the bartender and asks for a pint of Ale. The bartender says "You're a fine looking red path!". The red path says "Oh, thankyou!" and sits down with his pint of Ale with the motorway and the road.

Then the bartender walked over to the motorway, road, and the red path, and says "I don't mean to be funny, but, that green path is sat there all on his own with a pint of vodka. Why don't you keep him company and go and sit with him.

Then the motorway says "You don't understand. He's a cyclepath".


----------



## Magnum26

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs in between a womans legs?

A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face!


----------



## MakkaL

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news". "Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live." "That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?" The doctor replies,"I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."


----------



## QUEST

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."


----------



## MakkaL

LER said:


> Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."
> 
> I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."


Did you make that up or did it actually happen?

:tongue:


----------



## QUEST

I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman, it's very rewarding but quite challenging, it took me fukn ages to get her husbands voice right.


----------



## MakkaL

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"

I said, "Yeah the fvcking drain is clogged again."


----------



## MakkaL

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fvck yourself. These are my cookies!"


----------



## Pancake'

My chinese freind died last week. So Yung


----------



## Paz1982

a duck walks on to a building site and says to the site manager, ' have you got any plastering work mate ?'

'no' says the site manager, 'but theres a circus down the road, somebody like you would be able to make a fortune in there'

the duck looks at him confused and says... 'what the fcuk would a circus want with a plasterer'


----------



## MakkaL

Police: where do you live?

Me: with my parents

Police: where do your parents live?

Me: with me

Police: where do you all live?

Me: together

Police: where is your house?

Me: next to my neighbors house

Police: where is your neighbors house?

Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.

Police: tell me

Me: next to my house


----------



## Pancake'

Why wasn't Jesus born in Liverpool? because they couldn't find a virgin and 3 wise men!


----------



## MakkaL

Son: Dad, what does 'gay' mean?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.

Son: Are you gay?

Father: No, son. I have a wife.


----------



## stevieboy100

Rob68 said:


> Being british is about driving a german car to an irish pub for a belgian beer
> 
> then on the way home grabbing an indian curry or a turkish kebab,
> 
> to sit on a swedish sofa and watch american shows on a japanese tv,
> 
> and most of all being suspicious of anything foreign,
> 
> oh and only in britain can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance
> 
> only in britain do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter
> 
> supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions
> 
> whilst healthy people get their **** at the front
> 
> we might be british but by fcuk we`re funny.....


----------



## QUEST

Sitting in A&E after swallowing lego, Doctors don't seem worried but am ****in sh!ttin bricks !!


----------



## Pancake'

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.

My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"

However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.


----------



## BigTrev

Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?

A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick

The mrs came out of the shower saying I shaved my pussy again,,guess what that means?

I said yeah the fcuking drain is blocked again


----------



## digitalis

Youngstarz said:


> When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
> 
> My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
> 
> However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.


This has been doing the rounds on FB like an old slapper at grab a granny night.


----------



## Pancake'

As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with some milk, cheese, yogurt and cream.. I thought 'How Dairy?'

scientist have found that many women develop "Hoovers Disease". After years of marriage, they begin to make a continuous whining noise but don't suck any more.

scientists have discovered that beer contains female hormones, to prove this they gave 3 men 12 pints, suddenly they talked ****e and couldn't drive.

I walked into my local shop the other day and saw an Indian woman with a £50 note stuck to her forehead.. I said what's happened to you.. she said she got done for speeding and received an on the spot fine..

corny jokes them haa :whistling:


----------



## Bulk1

A seal walked into a club.


----------



## Ashcrapper

Now I'm not saying that my wife is ugly, but we once got on a bus in Mumbai, and all the rapists got off.


----------



## Guest

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."


----------



## alchemystical

tkd67 said:


> A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
> 
> The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.
> 
> "For what?"
> 
> The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
> 
> The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
> 
> The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
> 
> The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats *shoots* and leaves."


Better


----------



## Guest

A guy is driving around Wadsworth, Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's lying, he never did any of that stuff."........

My fav dog joke , when I saw this I was laughing for ages, you must have seen this one..:laugh:


----------



## Pancake'

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date yesterday to see the new batman film, our dates so far can be summarised as follows.... dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner BATMAAAN!!


----------



## Chris F

Still cracks me up.


----------



## ian73

Two fly's sitting on a ****e and one farted.... Other fly said do u mind I'm eating .( it's pretty bad sorry folks)


----------



## Boycieboy

After almost 5 years of regular hospital visits, tests, ****ing into test-tubes etc, my wife and I are no nearer to having a child.

So we have decided that we've had enough of all this and we are going to take drastic measures.

I'm just going to have to **** her.


----------



## QUEST

The new guy in prison is approached by a fuking huge bodybuilder type in the shower on his first night. He says to him, "as you're new here, you get the choice". "Do you want sex with, or without spit?"

The guy is thinking, with spit won't hurt as much, so he says, "w- w -with spit".

The big guy shouts over, "Hey Spit, the new guy wants a threesome."


----------



## Ashcrapper

TWERK

1. To dance in a sexually suggestive fashion using the hips.

2: Where Yorkshiremen go everyday to earn a living.


----------



## latblaster

There's a new drug craze oop north alllegedly...

MDMA is injected just above the teeth:

It's called "E by gum"


----------



## Raw meat 1984

India.


----------



## MyStyle

A bacon rasher, a sausage and an egg walk into a bar..

Barman says 'we dont serve breakfast'

Ba dum tss!


----------



## Raw meat 1984

This vodka tastes an awful lot like i'm not going to work tomorrow.


----------



## Pancake'

Why isn't medicine kept in the jungle? because Parrots - eat - em all


----------



## Chris F

I never get tired of this,the chorous has me in stitches


----------



## latblaster

Susan Sarandon is hot!


----------



## Ashcrapper

latblaster said:


> Susan Sarandon is hot!


terrible joke


----------



## Boycieboy

When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's "Incredible."

But when I do it,

I'm, "an alcoholic."


----------



## Ashcrapper

Boycieboy said:


> When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's "Incredible."
> 
> But when I do it,
> 
> I'm, "an alcoholic."


Why when Miley Cyrus is naked & licks a hammer it's "art" but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave the pub"


----------



## JonnyBoy81

how come when I tuck my balls between my legs and spin round and shout "bulldog" my gran doesn't find it funny ?


----------



## Boycieboy

Average weight of men is 74 Kg and that of women is 59 Kg.

****ing hell, I didn't know that working brains weighed 15 Kilos more.


----------



## latblaster

Boycieboy said:


> Average weight of men is 74 Kg and that of women is 59 Kg.
> 
> ****ing hell, I didn't know that working brains weighed 15 Kilos more.


 @Skye666

@Beklet

Get him ladies!!! :lol:


----------



## Skye666

Boycieboy said:


> Average weight of men is 74 Kg and that of women is 59 Kg.
> 
> ****ing hell, I didn't know that working brains weighed 15 Kilos more.


Oh dear...I actually think this comment ( can't be a joke I didn't even crack a smile) is a class example of how boys take much longer to mature than women ... And thank goodness our intuition cannot be measured it would weigh a ton.  . @resten suck.....it.....up :bounce:


----------



## resten

Skye666 said:


> Oh dear...I actually think this comment ( can't be a joke I didn't even crack a smile) is a class example of how boys take much longer to mature than women ... And thank goodness our intuition cannot be measured it would weigh a ton.  . @resten suck.....it.....up :bounce:


I agree with boycie


----------



## Skye666

resten said:


> I agree with boycie


And that's why ur 'bummed'


----------



## resten

Skye666 said:


> And that's why ur 'bummed'


No, that's more to do with taking 9 inches of @jon-kent


----------



## latblaster

"Scrap, scrap, scrap!!" :thumb:


----------



## jon-kent

resten said:


> No, that's more to do with taking 9 inches of @jon-kent


Dont big me up mate its only 8.5 at a push !


----------



## Skye666

jon-kent said:


> Dont big me up mate its only 8.5 at a push !


Put it in his mouth next time..at a push ...might keep him quiet for a while


----------



## jon-kent

Skye666 said:


> Put it in his mouth next time..at a push ...might keep him quiet for a while


Wont stop him lol, hes a talented man :wub: :lol:


----------



## latblaster

People who make bread.

I won't expand on this.


----------



## latblaster

This is a joke & in no way is this to be construed as against Nigerian people.

In a cafe, an Indian person is

enjoying a hearty breakfast " Coffee,

croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc.

While an Nigerian, chewing a gum,

sat next to him and started an

unwanted conversation

Nigerian: You Indians eat the whole

bread?

Indian: Of course!

Nigerian: (Blowing bubbles with his

gum) we don't. We, Nigerians only

Eat what's inside. The crust we

collect in a container, recycle, make

these into croissants and sell these

to the India.

Nigerian: Do you eat jam with

bread?

Indian: Of course!

Nigerian: (Chuckling and crackling

his gum between his teeth) we

don't.

Nigerians eat fruits at breakfast,

put all the peels, seeds and leftovers

into containers, turn these into jam

and sell it to the India

Indian: Do you have sex in Nigeria?

Nigerian: Of course, we do!

Indian: What do you do with the

condoms?

Nigerian: We throw them, of

course!

Indian : We don't. In India, we put

them into containers, recycle them,

turn them into chewing gum and

sell it to Nigeria!


----------



## QUEST

My wife woke up to me standing over her with a tray full of bacon, sausages and eggs.

"What's that?" she asked.

"I thought we could have breakfast in bed," I smiled.

"No. What's that?" she said, pointing to the end of the bed.

"It's a camping stove," I replied. "Get fukcing cooking."


----------



## QUEST

I woke up this morning and caught my son sniffing my daughter's knickers.

"You're fuking perverted!" I said, "Get your nose away from my arse."


----------



## QUEST

I slipped the condom over my erect penis, slowly rolling it down the shaft while keeping eye contact

I then said they fit ill take two packets please! :lol:


----------



## jonyhunter

What's pink and goes round and round on a carousel?

Steven Gateley's suitcase.


----------



## Boycieboy

The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.

1. Become a billionaire.

2. Meet the Queen.

3. Suck Kate Middleton's tits.


----------



## Boycieboy

Bitches be like "I want a guy with a big dick and loads of money"

No, what you need is a job and a tighter fanny.


----------



## Boycieboy

"My wife found a False Widow in the bath last night" I told Imran at work today.

"What's that then?" he asked.

"A big white tub we sit in to wash ourselves" I replied.


----------



## Greenspin

I made this up:

What did the Greek cat say..?

..Mu.

Also made this up:


----------



## Sc4mp0

Greenspin said:


> I made this up:
> 
> What did the Greek cat say..?
> 
> ..Mu.


I don't get it fella. You mean it says mine???


----------



## Greenspin

Sc4mp0 said:


> I don't get it fella. You mean it says mine???


It said "mu". Can be made to sound like 'meow', but spelt like that is a letter of the Greek alphabet, like omega, gamma, delta etc, lol. The Greek cat said, "mu".


----------



## Sc4mp0

Greenspin said:


> It said "mu". Can be made to sound like 'meow', but spelt like that is a letter of the Greek alphabet, like omega, gamma, delta etc, lol. The Greek cat said, "mu".


Haha fair enough fella. A for effort but I'll be a cvnt and say its pronounced ME

Now I'll go wear my miserable cvnt hat and sit in the corner.


----------



## alan_wilson

Barn owls won't mate in the rain.

Cus its too wet to woo


----------



## Greenspin

Sc4mp0 said:


> Haha fair enough fella. A for effort but I'll be a cvnt and say its pronounced ME
> 
> L
> 
> Now I'll go wear my miserable cvnt hat and sit in the corner.


You're not invited to my birthday party, and there's going to be clowns, and by clowns I mean strippers.


----------



## QUEST

Liverpool's Joe Allen was released by Merseyside Police today after he was arrested for his alleged part in the current match fixing scandal. After reviewing hours of footage including his recent derby miss, they released him without charge concluding that he was just fukcing sh!t.


----------



## MrNiceGuy

Guys, you are not funny at all...


----------



## latblaster

MrNiceGuy said:


> Guys, you are not funny at all...


Well mate...as you seem to able to pronounce that you don't find the jokes funny, p'raps you'd like to put some up that are?


----------



## QUEST

MrNiceGuy said:


> Guys, you are not funny at all...


and to think your meant to be a nice guy.


----------



## Ashcrapper

MrNiceGuy said:


> Guys, you are not funny at all...


Least we haven't got fat ankles


----------



## mic8310

Lol be easier to go to sickipedia and read the original jokes from there than read lots of copy and pasted stuff


----------



## perrypower

MillionG said:


> What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?
> 
> What do you call him after two weeks?
> 
> Pete
> 
> Russel.


----------



## Guest

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never done half of what he said".

Classic talking dog joke...


----------



## Dan94

Man City are like Oscar Pistorius.

Lost both legs, but still managed 4 shots on target.

:lol:


----------



## jonyhunter

What's pink and goes round and round a carousel?

Steven Gateley's suitcase.


----------



## latblaster

I like Jesus....but he says he loves me. It's awkward.


----------



## Gary29

What do you call a guy hiding in a load of leaves?

Russell.


----------



## latblaster

What do you call a Chinese woman with a Food Mixer on her head?

Blenda


----------



## latblaster

What do you call a man with a Seagull on his head?

Cliff


----------



## PaulB

Seeing as we're telling the old sh1t ones

Paddy fell down a hole .

Murphy shouts "ar ya alright Paddy"

Paddy shouts "there's milk down ere"

Murphy "is it pasteurised"

Paddy "no, it's just below my knees...


----------



## GaryMatt

Boy goes out to do his chores. He kicks the chickeds as he feeds them, kicked the cow after he milked her, kicked the pig as he slopped them.

Goes inside for breakfast. Only gets toast. Looks to his mother.

Mothers says " I saw you kicked the chickens, the cow and the pig. You get no eggs, milk or bacon."

Father, coming down the stairs, kicks the tomcat out of his way. Boy looks at his mom,...

"You want to tell him or shall I . . . "


----------



## Majestic121

THE BODY PARTS MEETING

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'mthe most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said: YOU?!!

You don't do anything!

You're not as important as we are, surely!

You can't be in charge!"

So the rectum closed up...

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly,

the stomach was all queasy,

the hands were all shaky,

the eyes were all watery,

and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge....

just an asshole!


----------



## Gavinmcl

I've got a joke about a dead celebrity.

It's a peach.


----------



## GGLynch89

What kind of file do you need to make a 14ml hole a 50ml hole?

A PEDOfile, Misspelt and WOT!


----------



## seandog69

a teacher says to her pupils, over the weekend i want you to find out what your parents do for a living

monday morning comes and she asks johhny up to the front of the class and says 'johnny what does your dad do for a living'

johnny says 'miss, my daddys a carpenter'

'what does a carpenter do?' was her reply

'he makes tables and chairs and stuff out of wood'

'very good gold star'

next she calls upon jenny

'Jenny what does you father do?'

'miss my daddys a plumber'

'and what is it that a plumber does'

'miss he fits baths and sinks and things with water'

'very good, gold star'

she then looks around the class and see's wee billy

'Billy, come up and tell us what your daddy does'

billy puts his dead down and walks to the front of the class and kind of sheepishly says

'sorry miss but my dads dead'

'sorry to hear that, what did he do before he died'

'TURNED BLUE AND SHAT HIMSELF'


----------



## nWo

It may seem as though Brazil played absolutely terribly last night, but on reflection they may very well have been showing their respect for Neymar. He couldn't play, so they decided they wouldn't either.


----------



## Theseus

A blonde stopped her car because one of the tyres was punctured..

blonde 1: damn the tyre is punctured, we have to call someone

blonde 2: you are so stupid, you should blow into the exhaust pipe to re-inflate the car

blonde 1: is that how you pump the air in? ok...

...blonde 1 is basically giving the exhaust pipe a blow job.....

blonde 3: you two are so stupid, you cannot re-inflate the car that way...

blonde 1 and 2: really? how would you do that then?

blonde 3: you need to close the windows first...


----------

